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Shit finally hit the fan! BD19 called FDH out for being a POS...needless to say he was not pleased

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Sun, 07/07/2013 - 4:37pm

I blogged awhile ago that we have a lot of stress going on right now. FDH's dad died a few weeks ago, health issues, family drama, BM drama, you name it we got it going on. Also, FDH was pissed that I gave my BD19 $2000 on her birthday to use for a down payment on a new car. He doesn't like it when I help out my adult kids, but he really has no say because we have separate finances.
So anyway, he has been being kind of a prick to her and made some pointed comments. Yesterday she came over. He was already in a mood over some BM drama yesterday and I feel like he was kind of taking it out on BD19. He flat out told her that he didn't think she deserved me giving her that money.
So she replied that he should stop being a jealous P.O.S.
Now he is all pissed off and wants to ban her from our house. I will not live anywhere my kid is not welcome, so we will see if this gets resolved. If not, at least I didn't spend money on the wedding and no more stress about planning it either!

Comments

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Sun, 07/07/2013 - 4:44pm

She's an adult who lives on her own. There's not a lot of punishing I can do. I did tell her I thought she should have been more respectful. I also said I think it would have been kind of her to overlook his jealousy and attitude in light of the fact that he just lost his father. But in my opinion, he had it coming. I am kind of PROUD of her for not taking shit from anyone, including FDH.

katietome's picture

Submitted by katietome on Sun, 07/07/2013 - 4:51pm

You know what....your daughter is an adult. Your FDH is an adult.

Were I you, I would tell FDH that I won't live somewhere where my daughter is unwelcome and leave it at that.

I would tell BOTH of them:
a) I love you both. Not equally. But, I love you both.
b) DD you are my "baby" and always will be.
c) FDH I want you to be my partner and I want you to come first in a relationship.

HOWEVER to the both of you: I will NOT tolerate abuse in ANY FORM. DD, you are to respect my husband-to-be as you would like me to resect Your Choice of husband. FDH, you are to respect my daughter as you expect me to respect your own children. If FDH you do not like how I spend my money, then you take that up with ME; do not treat my daughter with anything but respect.

Daughter, I apologize that you felt the need to stand up for yourself to FDH. Please see ME if you have a problem with FDH again.

If the two of you can't work this out and treat each other with respect there WILL be changes.

Oh, and by the way.... Kudos to your daughter. It isn't easy to stand up to a man being a jerk when you are 19.

Also, to Foxlee: This daughter is a 19-year old young woman. What is the OP going to do, ground her? We aren't talking about an errant child.

Kate

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Sun, 07/07/2013 - 5:05pm

IDK, but it's just as disrespectful for SF to announce SD "does not deserve" as it was for SD to tell him he's a "jealous POS". That was a two-way street and he barreled down it first. I'm sorry his father passed and I'm sure he's hurting. Not an excuse though to be a jerk to SD. If he wants to be p*ssy, he can be that with you...you gave her the gift. I'm sure SD felt atttacked by SF and reacted to such. But, yeah, good of you to remind her it was not appropriate behavior. An apology that things got heated would not be out of hand. From both of them, not just her.

I brought a large chunk of money/assets into my marriage and how, when and/or if I dish it out is not any of my DH's business though of course he is aware when I do so(it was all pre-marriage and well protected going into marriage, DH has no claim to it). I work, I pay my bills, I pay my share of 'our' bills, I have retirement well set and I occasionally feel like being generous with some cash towards the 'kids' now and then. With that said, I'm also known to hand some out to adult SS too. What I do not do and would never do though is hand money out if it were demanded/expected or in anyway enabling "kids" to not learn to and be able to stand on their own two feet. I give a 'gift' when I want to. Period.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sun, 07/07/2013 - 5:06pm

"HOWEVER to the both of you: I will NOT tolerate abuse in ANY FORM. DD, you are to respect my husband-to-be as you would like me to resect Your Choice of husband. FDH, you are to respect my daughter as you expect me to respect your own children. If FDH you do not like how I spend my money, then you take that up with ME; do not treat my daughter with anything but respect.

Daughter, I apologize that you felt the need to stand up for yourself to FDH. Please see ME if you have a problem with FDH again."

I agree with this part.

Justme54's picture

Submitted by Justme54 on Sun, 07/07/2013 - 5:29pm

People treat you the way you allow them. Where the HELL does FDH get off saying anyting. She is 19 NOT 25. It is not like she gave her money for designer clothes. It was NOT his money. I rather my partner give money for a down payment, then be stupid and co-sign and be co-owner. DH did that for his 2 oldest kids in late 20's and early 30's. SS in his early 30's had DH pay one note and we got calls twice that the was 2 months behind on his note.

Sure, DD could have word it better in putting FDH in his place. The fact the he wants her band from the house. I think he has showed his true colors...BIG BABY BOY...WHO IS CONTROLING.

Your daughter may have just done you a big favor.

Lalena75's picture

Submitted by Lalena75 on Sun, 07/07/2013 - 5:48pm

I think this has probably been a pattern and not the first time he's treated her this way because of choices you made in regards to her. I'm of the we teach people how to treat us mind set and good for her in calling him out on it. Yes there should be an expectation of respect however a person should be able to defend themselves from abuse.

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Mon, 07/08/2013 - 4:58am

Yosemite - I would be interested in hearing *why* he felt your DD was undeserving of this money?

I ask this because as a SM I often felt my partner's behaviour with his son was ridiculous including certain gifts he purchases (that said though I did not behave in this manner)!

I am not attempting to say he is right and you are wrong at all btw, I do not think he was right to say that to your DD and your money is your own, so it seems he is skating on think ice with his attitude.

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Mon, 07/08/2013 - 9:33am

He did not specify to her why he thought she didn't deserve the money. However he has been complaining to me that he thinks she should have had to earn it and that $2000 was too much money for a birthday gift. He has the belief in general that parental help for adult children should be limited to a couch to crash on temporarily if you really need it and maybe $20 here or there. He does believe in gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but thinks the amounts should be much smaller.
I have told him that while I don't mind hearing his input, at the end of the day it's my money and my kid, therefore my call. BD19 got her loan herself, she has a fulltime job and she is going to a university. I have the ability to help her and I wanted to.
After I pretty much shut him down, he started giving her attitude and making snarky comments, but not directly to her. I talked to him about it several times and we even had an argument after we left her apt one day about it. BD19 is kind of a slob and he said I should have given her the money for a maid instead. I think she's just very busy between work and school, so housework isn't as much a priority right now.
Anyway, I feel like since he wasn't getting anywhere with me and then he was having drama with BM, he decided to take it out on BD19. Which doesn't fly with me but I am glad to know she will stand up for herself.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Mon, 07/08/2013 - 9:19am

I would have been on BOTH their asses (even if you were secretly proud that your daughter stood up to his bullshit) to act civilized towards each other. However, I would have very much been on your FDH's ass. First off, he is older and supposedly more mature. If he wouldn't have made his comments, chances are she would have never said what she did.

When it comes to your daughter, I would have said that while I appreciate her ability to defend herself when she feels the need, the name calling is disrespectful and she should not be disrespectful to others. Her phrasing could have been different.