why do i feel this site has just turned into a place to cut people down?
I guess i can't just ask a question without explaining myself anymore. really sad to see how people can twist what i say so badly. here is my story i guess for those that can't seem to get over the fact that life changes...
i dated my ex for 5 and a half years. he had a son who is 5. we have a 10 month old together. the past year has been a roller coaster for us and we have been struggling to keep it together. we had our good days, and we had our bad days... all of the little things added up, led me to end our relationship at the beginning of june. through out the course of our rough patches, i turned to a dear friend for support and advice. at the beginning of july we started to get really close. the past few weeks we have really got to talking about what we want out of life and how to accomplish that. we are at the very beginning of taking our relationship to the next level. we both decided we want our relationship to be as open and honest as possible. we want all the cards on the table from the start so that we both go into this know what the expectations are and we both know exactly what we want out of it. we have had some really deep conversations and we have really come to know each other better than anyone else knows us. our theory is that "there is time." we don't want to rush anything. we haven't even had a "first date" yet... we hang out a lot and talk a lot but we haven't made any sort of official announcement per say. i originally asked for advice on teenage step kids and how to start my relationship with them but i guess i am wrong for doing that because i was still hanging on by a thread with my ex 6 weeks ago... yes, there is an age gap between him and i. yes we both have children. yes, 6 weeks ago i was physically in a relationship with my ex... but what you don't think about is that EMOTIONALLY i was out of that relationship for months now. I told him we were done 7 months ago i just could never follow through. i have a hard time leaving people with nothing. some of you may think i am wrong for already falling in love with someone else but no one knows what it is like until they have been in my shoes. He is an amazing person with a huge heart. we by no means are rushing for me to meet his kids on this "new level" we simply talked about what needed to happen when and if i ever did. i really am annoyed and heavy feeling after reading some of your guys posts... they are rude and uneducated. most of you who posted are far more childish than i could ever think of being, yet you are attacking me for being "young but not wise" and for dating an older man. sorry for asking for your advice i guess.
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Ok I guess.
Ok I guess.
I think it's fair to say that
I think it's fair to say that this site has a lot of tough woman (by life, not by choice) who do not hold any punches. I would say that most of the regular posters/commenters are very smart people who have lived through very difficult circumstances and deal with a lot of crap every day. So, yes, they (we) can be harsh and straight forward. But please understand that we're just trying to 1- help each other with very frank observations and 2- ward off any people who might come on here to mess with us.
As others have mentioned, you are making some not so great choices and didn't even explain the jump from man to man to us. So you are young, but not so wise, my dear. Listen to your older sisters here and you might have a chance.
All here because we care
All here because we care right? Constructive criticism I think it's called.
Ok, then. Same poster. Out
Ok, then. Same poster. Out with the old, in with the new. New BF, new set of potential stepkids...life goes on.
I don't have a problem with the age difference between you and new BF. My own DH is 10 years older than myself. I also don't have a problem with you 'dating' again after just six weeks of a break-up. But as far as the rest of it, whoa, slow that pony cart down.
I did find your 'break-up' announcement buried in a blog I thought was just an off topic blog last week. But that blog ended with this statement about your new relationship " he wants to live together, have holidays together, vacations together, he wants to take care of me and me take care of him. he wants to include each other in all decisions... right now we are at the playful, flirty, smitten phase..."
And this week talks about meeting his kids as the 'official'. Hey, you have to admit these are some pretty fast moves. Why not just continue to get to know the guy for a while? What's the rush to meet the teens as an 'official'? You've barely cleaned out your last home, you have a baby to consider (you wouldn't want baby to be confused about two males in baby's face so quickly). Have you and exSO even been through the custody/CS phase yet?
And then on new BF's part. How long since his divorce? Have his children had any/many potential SMs already presented to them? All that will play into how and/or if these teens accept you, and especially if they will willingly be open to the idea to a young lady their father has dated just a few weeks. Sure, the new BF is an 'old friend', but you're talking new 'official GF' here, there's a difference.
You also mention you will be coaching new BF's daughter in sports this fall. That could be awkward especially if you and BF fizzle out before sports are over. The daughter is a teen with all the drama and hormones that come with teen girls. What's going to happen the first time she thinks (or the other team mates) feels you treat BF's daughter differently (good or bad) than the other team mates?
You're going to do whatever it is Young, But Wise wants to do regardless of anybody here's two cents. You're going to squeal 'I'm being judged and/or attacked' if anybody here gives advice you don't want to hear or don't agree with...but please stop and think about how your new relationship will (or could) affect three children (a baby and two teens) and perhaps take it a bit slower. If this new BF is so great and the real thing you've been waiting for, he'll still be great and everything you've ever wanted a while down the road, right? Date him, enjoy him, just don't rush an 'official' relationship .
Moving on so fast will impact
Moving on so fast will impact how your SO and his new SO view things.
Expect the your daughter's SM to label you a whore and question if your ex is even the kid's father.
Your actions(past and present) can cause future SMs to hate your child. Let's face it, if you had walked away from the ex a year ago, future SM would only have one SK to deal with.
What did I say that was
What did I say that was wrong? I'm uneducated and trying to learn what I can and the only attack I truly see is how you are cutting us down bc we ask questions before we give out any advice and that is bc we don't want to talk out our a**es. We would appreciate some clarification on your issues, the circumstances of each problem are very important.
It is a bit confusing. In
It is a bit confusing. In the last few days three young women with 40 something year old BFs have come here with step issues.
Do what you feel is right.
Do what you feel is right. Rebound relationships are generally a road to somewhere else. Personally when I escape I'm having a few years if me time. Unless of course Liam neeson wants company!you are vulnerable. Be single, it's fun for a while
I simply said that we had
I simply said that we had talked about how we were going to go about the introduction as something more... we are far from that. ALL WE DID WAS TALK ABOUT IT!! As I pointed out in the original post... we are not making any sort of announcement and we are not even to the point that I am going to "meet" his kids on this new level. He simply stated what needed to happen IF we came to that point. We are still in the very early stages of this and neither one of us knows where we are going. I may be "young and uneducated" but I'm pretty sure that that is why I asked the simple question in the first place. I have never dealt with teen skids before and just wanted some advice on how to treat them. Didn't think much background was needed for someone to be able to add some insight into handling a teen. I also didn't think it was to early to start asking because I WANT to be educated before I am put in the spot where I have to go in blind. I don't think this is much of a rebound relationship. I have been mentally and emotionally done for quite some time now. We decided to end the relationship 6 months ago. We stayed in the same house while he lined up a new place to go and while the court process played out. We are purposely taking this relationship as slow as we are for the sake of all the kids involved and because we want to make sure we each know what we want out of this.