If YOU don't put a stop to this and end this relationship now. One of you will finish up dead or in jail. Did you even bother to play the tape you said you have of him telling abuse at you while you were locked in the bathroom. Because if the answer is NO You are playing a very dangerous game here.

Just a mom has given you the exact same suggestion I gave you on your other blog. Take it before someone dies. This is not a game one or both of you are sending each other over the edge.

Both of you are nuts.

What about your equivalent to a restraining order? Surely there must be some 'threatening' lingo in a tape of the guy verbally screaming abusive crap non-stop at you. Your name mentioned or not. If you could get something along those lines, he'd have no choice but to remove himself from your vicinity.

Just what's the game plan? Both stay there verbally and physically beating each other until one of you doesn't get up any longer? Don't fool yourself that a guy with a dislocated knee is no 'threat' to you.

You know you have to leave immediately. Get your things packed and leave or get a protective order against him and change the locks. I can't believe you couldn't successfully get a protective order after the things he said.

What I'm concerned about is that next time you will do more to him than hit him with a toy. Even if he's injured, he can still verbally abuse you, and provoke you. Then you probably will be arrested because now he's the defenseless injured one. You are in a very dangerous situation, and there's a good chance you could end up in jail. He's not worth all that.

A rule I try to go by, two wrongs don't make a right. I'm sorry you are in such a sad situation and I really hope you move forward without him bc violence of any kind is not worth it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I also live in the UK and left an abusive marriage. I agree that in the eyes of the law, you hitting him and leaving a mark doesn't look good, but I also know that anyone who has been subjected to the level of verbal abuse and threats you have had to put up with is enough to push anyone over the edge and make them snap. I am usually an easy going, placid kind of person and the only person who has ever driven me to lose my temper was my ex with his constant verbal abuse and aggression and he did push me well past my limits a couple of times so I snapped and got physical with him. The last time really scared me. I'd been for a hospital appointment that day and been diagnosed with diabetes which was enough of a shock, but when I went home and told him he was really horrible, called me names and told me it was my own fault - not the kind of reaction you expect from your husband! Then he demanded money to go to the pub and I didn't have any, so he just tipped a bottle of sauce over my head while shouting abuse in my face, in front of our daughter who was about 12 at the time. It was such a shock on top of getting my head around just being told I had a long term illness and the abuse he'd given me about it which that had gone on for most of the day, and I just lost it. We were in the kitchen and it scares me to think what I might have done if there'd been a sharp knife nearby. My daughter witnessed it all and was actually shouting at him too, and she was beside herself because her beloved dog had also been showered with sauce and was terrified by the whole thing. So don't let people judge you, snapping in the heat of the moment after what you've been through the last couple of days is understandable to me.

Regarding the house, I think he probably will be entitled to a share. The house I lived in with my ex had a mortage with only his name on it, as he'd bought it before we were together. I lived there and contributed financially for 17 years and was advised that even though my name wasn't on the mortgage I would be entitled to a share, as I'd always worked and he didn't due to a grossly exaggerated "disability". I walked away from the house with our daughter and moved into a private rented place as I needed to get both of us away from his abuse. I then went through the courts and they granted me a half share, but because he's on disability benefits and not likely to ever work again, they said they wouldn't make him move and sell the house and that I have to wait till he either dies or comes into a large sum of money. I can't tell you how frustrated I was at being told I couldn't make him sell the house there and then, but because neither of us could afford to pay the other off and the house isn't worth enough for us both to be able to buy another house from the proceeds, they said he would end up being a drain on the taxpayer because they'd end up paying housing benefit for him to rent once his share had run out, and that because I was at university at the time I would have good earnings potential and should be able to support myself financially. The judge even admitted that I was being penalised for trying to better myself and get on in life, but the fact remains I'm stuck with hoping I outlive him to get some benefit from all those years of financially supporting him and putting up with his crap.

I don't know whether the law has changed in 8 years since I left my ex, but back then, the parent with custody of the child was entitled to live in the home until that child left school, so if your youngest son is his, that might give you the right to live there until your son is at least 16, then you would probably have to sell the house and give him a share. In my case, I had no wish to stay in the house as it needed a lot of work doing to it and it held too many bad memories so I felt I needed to walk away from it completely, but for you it might be the answer. You need to check this with a solicitor and get some proper legal advice on your rights.

In the meantime, you need to leave and take your kids with you. Your top priority at the moment has to be the safety of you and your kids and you are not safe where you are. You need to get out of there before someone gets badly hurt or worse, and your kids are living with his constant threats and verbal abuse, which will cause them serious emotional harm and puts them in danger. Go and stay with family or friends, or if there's no one you can stay with, go into a women's refuge for the time being just to make yourself and your kids safe. The house can be sorted out once you're out of there, and you shouldn't have any problem getting a court order to make him leave so you can then move back in with your kids, change the locks and get an injunction against him if you're worried he might harrass you.

Make sure you take any important papers, documents, id, bank cards etc with you, and if you need to, move money from any joint accounts into one just in your name so he can't leave you destitute. I planned my exit for months and kept taking important stuff to my parents house for safekeeping, a bit at a time so he wouldn't notice. You have to be one step ahead and don't let him know what you're up to and give him the chance to make things any more difficult than they already are. Womens Aid have a really good website and if you haven't already seen it, have a look. It gives you advice about an exit plan, your rights and also gives a lot of information about domestic abuse and the effects it has on victims and children. They have a confidential helpline and I would ring them to talk everything through with someone who understands and can help you look at your options. If necessary, they might be able to find you a place in a refuge and help you with practical stuff like benefits and getting legal help.

It sounds to me like you feel responsible for him in some way - could you be feeling sorry for him? If so, stop right now. He doesn't deserve it. He is an adult who is responsible for his own behaviour. Stop finding excuses for him. He shows you no love or respect when you have to lock yourself in the bathroom to escape his vile abuse, so why would you feel any love for him? If you leave, he will survive and if he goes on to make a mess of his life then that's his own fault, not yours. You deserve better and your children deserve better. And don't think that your kids aren't affected by all this. I didn't realise till after we left just how badly affected my daughter was. She is now 21 and has a lot of issues due to her dad's behavour - anxiety, phobias, an unhealthy obsession with her weight and appearance and a bad habit of finding men who turn out to be needy, insecure, jealous and in one case, violent.

You know what you need to do. He's banking on the fact that you won't leave your home and is using it as a way of controlling you. Call his bluff - leave and then use the proper legal process to get him out, then you cannnot be accused of anything and you and your kids can start a better life.

No one is bullying you because you lost it once. People are frustrated by you because you let it get to that point. People begged you to call the police when he was yelling abuse at you through the bathroom door. Which you even admit the police said you should have done. People even asked you to message your address and they would call the police for you, people begged you not to go offline so they knew you would be safe. People advised you in the correct manner and supported you through the night till you decided to go to bed. You chose to do it your way then finished up giving him a black eye. Now your pleased he's injured his knee and in the couch for 4 weeks, you think thar makes things better. He can still yell abuse at you from the couch and sometime I that 4 weeks the kids will hear it. Use the 4 weeks to evict him.

You put a lot of people through a lot of worry, including your own sister and you did nothing to help yourself. Worse, you after all that made everything worse for yourself, you assaulted him.

Can you blame people for getting fed up.

Struggling,
You've posted that you scream and yell, have thrown glasses, AND have hit him previous to this incident. (You posted on 7/27 that you have hit him previously.) You ARE an abuser. Your DH may also be an abuser, but you can't abuse someone and claim to be the victim all at the same time.

You are and have been an equal partner in the domestic violence that is destroying your family, marriage, and - worst of all - your children.

You AND your DH should both be ashamed of yourself. Either move out or knock that $hit off. You are destroying your children. It's time to love them more than you hate, or are angry with, your DH. It's time to step up and do what's right.

And this is coming from a woman who survived an abusive marriage. I would never, ever have hit my XH. I was afraid of him. True victims don't abuse their alleged abuser. SMH. Just stop this madness. Please. For your kids' sake.

There are some very narrow definitions of abuse here, based on people's personal experience of abuse in their own relationships. You can be in an abusive relationship without actually living in fear of physical abuse and I don't think it's right for anybody to claim that they know what REAL abuse is and that's the only real definition. Emotional abuse is a recognised and very destructive form of abuse and all the worse because it is not visible.

If OP has been the victim of sustained and ongoing verbal abuse from her partner over a period of years, was not the instigator of that abuse, and has lashed out in the heat of the moment I think it's too much to assign her equal blame in her situation. After hours of being mocked, insulted and threatened it takes the patience of a saint not to react, and it is a very different thing to read it all calmly in black and white in the comfort of the online world vs living it. People persist in these relationships for the same reason people persist in all sorts of other destructive, negative, unhappy relationships, because of fear and hope, fear of being alone, fear of breaking up a family, and hope that something will change, not because they are happy perpetuating a cycle of abuse. While the OPs post on this may have come across as a bit flippant I think it's misleading and probably a result of letting off steam after a very frought 24 hours, in what she thought was a supportive non-critical forum. OP I hope you are able to draw a line under this and move on with separating from him and getting him out of your house.