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New and in doubt if this is for me...

Indoubt's picture

Submitted by Indoubt on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 2:58pm

Hello. I am looking for some advice...

I'm 31 with no kids, well educated and very self-sufficient. I have been dating a guy with two kids (6 and 4) for a year. He has 50/50 custody currently. We have known each other for a few years prior to dating. I think we have a really great relationship but this whole second family crap is for the birds.

The BM split when she figured out she was gay after they had two accidental kids. Opps. She walked out on the kids and guy and was pretty absent for a year. Every time the BM has drama (like the time she tried to overdose on pills for attention or the multiple times her and her girlfriend have split up) the kids get thrust back to their dad to deal with. Our plans get canceled because the kids "can't be left homeless" and apparently they can’t fight civilly or other assorted excuses. I should mention that she has plenty of family in town. I'm really frustrated with the situation with the BM and the drama is brings. On top of it she is planning on keeping his last name "because of the kids". I find that pretty pathetic.

On top of that is the issue of kids. I've never felt compelled to have kids and unlike a good portion of the population I've been able to successfully prevent getting prego. If him and I are to have a future I feel there are two options, either we have a kid of our own or his custody gets reduced (instead of one week on/one off to one on/two off). The prospect of raising someone else’s kids doesn't have any real appeal. My first choice are that his custody gets reduced. I know that is "selfish" of me but the kids would still have both parents in the picture just at different ratios.

I feel like I started this relationship as a very confident person and now just feel so beaten down by the experience. Reading many of your posts make me feel like things don't get better. Advice would be appreciated. Are there any situations where this is worth dealing with? Would you do it again? Do you wish you'd gotten out?

Comments

elvis1's picture

Submitted by elvis1 on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 3:08pm

Agreed. You are young, find someone without the baggage of kids and a crazy BM. You will be glad you got out.

arjuna79's picture

Submitted by arjuna79 on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 3:11pm

This is not going to get better and you will lose more and more of yourself. Go now!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 3:15pm

If you've never felt compelled to have kids, for sure don't bring one into this situation.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 3:27pm

RUN RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

There are plenty of child-free men out there at your age! The Family Court Machine (TM) will eat you up alive!!

amber3902's picture

Submitted by amber3902 on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 3:44pm

There's always a chance things could get better, but do you want to waste the best of years of your life taking that chance?

There's also a chance you could win the lottery, but do you invest your entire life's savings playing it? Of course not.

Not to mention, you don't want kids, he has his 50% of the time, and there is always a possibility that something happens to BM and the kids have to live with daddy full time.

And I don't see how having kids with this man will solve any problems with the BM. If BM is already pushing the kids off on dad all the time, the chances of him getting his custody reduced are slim to null. And making dad have less time with the kids is not going to solve anything. He's only going to resent you for making him do it, not to mention it's just wrong.

anotherstepmom's picture

Submitted by anotherstepmom on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 3:47pm

It doesn't sound like this is for you, but I also have to add that if it is working for DH to have his kids w/ the current schedule, it seems poor of you to ask him to change it just because you don't like it. I get the whole thing you are saying, but it struck me wrong that you are actually going to ask him to change his custody to less just because you don't want to raise his kids. If you don't want to raise his kids, leave. Unless there are other reasons he should adjust his parenting time to less, like say the kids don't really want to be there or he just doesn't feel its working the way it is, etc. then it makes sense to me. Just sayin.
I am in a good situation, so I wouldn't do it differently, but I know there are others who definately wish they would have run before they married their DHs.

queenofthedamned's picture

Submitted by queenofthedamned on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 4:06pm

Ok here's my two cents: this doesn't sound like a great fit for you, and not just because he has kids and you don't.

It is possible to have a successful relationship with someone with kids. Despite the overall impression you might get here, and the statistics, it does work sometimes. There are some key factors that need to considered though.

Does your SO set boundaries (with the BM, his parents, skids, you, whomever)? This situation is difficult enough, and being with a pu**y or a pushover compounds things.

Does he parent? If he can't tell the kids "no," and isn't actively trying to parent (i.e. not pushing HIS responsibilities off on you or ignoring them altogether), you're doomed.

Does he accept that you will likely never love his kids as your own? Huge source of conflict for a lot of step families.

Do you accept that, no matter how much you might grow to love the skids, they'll likely never love you as much as their mom?

Can you live with the fact that he may some day end up with 100% custody of the skids? It does happen, and it is the chance you take being with a man with kids.

I'm wondering why you think having a child with this man would solve anything. You said you never wanted kids. Who would benefit by you having one with him?

FWIW, I also do not think it's right for you to even consider asking him to reduce his custody unless something drastically bad is happening with those kids. They are his children, he is their father, and they were there years before you. If you want to stay with this guy, you really need to reconsider this. It will ONLY bite you in the ass later. I say this as a childless woman (one who always wanted kids, but NEVER to raise someone else's - it's a special form of torture) living with a man with primary custody of his two boys.

queenofthedamned's picture

Submitted by queenofthedamned on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 9:01pm

Mine too. And I my FDH to pieces, and respect him too, so that helps. I don't think I could have been with any other man with kids, but with him, it works - because we both want it to. If that ever changed, you can bet your sweet bippy I'd never touch another dude with kids with a ten foot pole.

Indoubt's picture

Submitted by Indoubt on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 4:07pm

I just wanted to clarify the two options I mention in the second to last paragraph. Kids were never something I felt like I needed to have to have a feel like I have a full life. I'm a classic fence sitter when it comes to them. That said, the prospect of spending half my time raising someone else’s kids makes me think I'd rather invest that energy in having one of my own. I feel while that won't make the situation with BM any better it will at least make me happier to have my own child to invest in. OR I feel that spending less time with his kids and more time as a couple would also make the situation better. I realize that means the kids get less time with their dad but everyone still lives in the same town and its not like they'd go months without seeing one parents (unless their BM goes off the deep end again...which happened this week and why I finally decided to write a post). I don't dislike his kids. They're sweet. I just don't believe I would be happy in a child centric home. I can't help the cliché wish that he didn't come with the BM and kids baggage.

Jmom's picture

Submitted by Jmom on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 4:10pm

Girl listen to us . . .we see what's coming a 5 miles away. You will always feel that he comes with BM and kiddie baggage. This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a smart person!

elvis1's picture

Submitted by elvis1 on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 4:10pm

IMHO if you are already wishing for less time with the kids and frustrated with BM baggage, you should get out and find someone that does not have children. It is difficult on good days and down right miserable sometimes to be a SM, the kids are young now but unfortunately it doesn't (in my experience) get easier as they get older. I feel that he would eventually resent you is he reduced his visitation time because of a request from you, thus adding even more stress to your relationship.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 4:18pm

RIGHT!

Now repeat after me 1,000 times or until this mantra is embedded in your brain:

"NEVER a man with children EVER again"

meghuneyntyson's picture

Submitted by meghuneyntyson on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 5:39pm

Girl, go read my blog. I found myself in a situation and I got out after just a WEEK after reading the stories here.

What I have learned is that no matter how awesome a guy is and no matter how much you love him - the issues with stepkids/babymama turns things from sugar to shit in a crazy short amount of time. Relationships/marriage take more than just love.

I honestly feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My own son and I are so much happier now. I wish you the best!

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Thu, 08/22/2013 - 6:11pm

Full timer here. It's what I signed up for. But SS is older, 16, and theoretically could move out in two years, although not likely. I have absolutely no say in the custody arrangement, and I wouldn't expect to. I wouldn't expect you would have any say in your BF's custody arrangement either.

Always proceed assuming you will get the kids full time. Many BMs can't be bothered with kids, and only want them when their own adult relationships are on the rocks and they are lonely. And now that SS16 finally confirmed his mom cheated on his dad and is responsible for breaking up their very unhappy marriage and dysfunctional family dynamic, SS probably won't want to visit mom for the summers. Damn! I won't even get the six week break I enjoyed anymore. But them's the breaks.

If could go back 10 years (when I was your age) I would avoid all men with kids. And I would have a much better selection than I do now.

And for goodness sakes, don't condemn yourself to a life sentence with these very young kids and crazy BM by having a kid with this guy if you think you can only stand the kids for 1/3 weeks at a time.

Expect to have to adjust your schedule according to the whims of the unstable flaky BM. How will that make you feel if your personal life seems to be dictated by BM and these kids, as a well educated self-sufficient woman?

At least BM here isn't in the picture much at all, and she's half way across the country. And in time, SS will be an adult and I won't even have to hear about her. Maybe she'll bother to show up for graduation or something, who knows, but that'll be all I'll have to deal with. And I can pretty much do what I want when I want, with some adjustments for SS' band activities. Although lately I only seem to have the energy to lie around the house because this life is exhausting! Very few plans get cancelled. If they do, it's because SO and SS aren't good at looking at the calendar.

And my relationship is not a sure thing. If this doesn't work out, never, never never, will I date someone with young kids, and hopefully I can avoid dating someone with kids.