In general I think this is a good advice-however I also think there is a tendency to make WAY too big of a deal out of these sorts of issues. Is divorce and remarriage always a "minefield"? Meh. I don't think so. My dh and bm divorced when ss was not yet 1-dh and I moved in together by the time he was 2 and married when he had just turned 3. There were certainly some messy components from time to time over the years-however is that not true of ANY family? SS was loved by both parents-he saw both parents-for most of his youth he had two very involved stepparents who also loved him. He had lots of grandparents, extended family who cared about him. I genuinely feel that ss got no less attention in our household (where he was a full time resident)than anyone else, in fact I am quite certain he got more as some of his behavioral issues simply required more attention.

My two oldest kids' bio dad died when they were 9 months and 2 years old. I can quite honestly say I never helped them "navigate the minefield of their fathers death and remarriage". Certainly I've tried to assist them with whatever issues they have brought to the table over the years, but this has never been a central motivating factor for them. In fact my ds14 actually forgets on a regular basis that my dh is not really his bio father. It's that much of a nonissue for him.

There are many divorced folks out that that are successful in their remarriages and stepfamily lives-none of them just happen to be on this board-people who are struggling come here so we get a misrepresentation I think of what divorce and remarriage looks like. I think in many of the situations here-there is TOO MUCH emphasis placed on the divorce

I think it is 100% the responsibility of the biological parent (DH in our case) to deal with any issues the kids have. I just think that often they don't, and the stepparent is left dealing with the "emotional baggage."

SD was doted on by both parents for most of her life and still is. They divorced when she was 2, and they had 50/50 custody and lived six miles apart. For the first several years of her life she saw both of her parents every day. DH went out of his way to spend time with her, MUCH more than he spends with our two BDs. Compared to kids who have an intentionally absent parent, I'd say she had it pretty damn good. She never knew what a nuclear family was like, and she got more attention from BOTH parents. My dad worked nights when I was a kid, the only time I saw him was weekends. SD was in DH's custody a minimum of three days a week, plus he would often stop by her school and have lunch with her, plus he attended all of her activities. So she saw him pretty damn near every day.

As a COD myself, I can honestly say that there was very little to no drama OR trauma in my life due to my parents divorce. I think when we allow that (divorce) as an excuse, we do a disservice to these children. I still remember the day my parents sat my brother and I down to tell us. Sure there were tears and of course we wondered what was next. My parents were very clear on how the situation would be handled. There was no PASing, there was no mommy manipulating daddy (using us) or vice versa. They adopted the same set of rules no matter where we were (with mom or dad) and no one went all Disney-land on us. They both went on to marry others and I have/had a great relationship with my SP's.

It's obvious to me since going through my own step-hell and reading the many posts here, that there is a huge imbalance of power within these Step situations. The children are given more power than they ever would have had, were it not for the divorce. They are involved by the BP's or sometimes involve themselves, in issues that they have no business in. Instead of being put in their place, they are continually rewarded for creating problems in BOTH households. That is clearly a parenting issue. When I read here what some of the SM's go through at the hands of CHILDREN, I am shocked and outraged. When I realize that the BP's are the one's allowing said behavior, I am angered. Mostly b/c as a COD, I can say that it never happened during my childhood. Both of my parents would have punished this nasty behavior. I certainly would not have been taken for ice cream b/c my little feelings were hurt. Like I always say, I was parented.... not purchased. Does any of this have to do with the current trend in parenting style? IDK. If so, we are all in for a good bit of trouble as these children are let loose into the world with this over-inflated sense of 'being in charge.' Sends a shiver down my spine.