OMG SS and DH are too much to handle!!!
So now that SS9 is living with us FT, I'm starting to see all the sacrifices I need to give up in order to raise him up in a normal, loving environment. SS has been diagnosed with ADHD and ADD and his school is having him undergo full psychological assessments as well as autism testing. He just started going to this school so they don't know what's wrong with him yet. With his BM, he was bounced from school to school so there was never accurate testing done. So as the SAHM to both DD and SS (by default), I feel so much of he responsibly to make sure SS behaves, does his homework, showers, eats, changes, picks up after himself, etc. I was getting so overwhelmed by this sudden responsibility. DH is the most passive parent on earth and also works about 60 hours a week. When he is home, he might as well not be. He is either on the computer or renovating.
So right now we are sort of taking a break. I was getting extremely stressed out and frustrated with SS. I took DD1 with me to my parent's place which is 9 hours away. To be fair, I am taking the break from SS not really DH, although it's a bit of both in my mind. DH originally promised that he would pick us up in 2 weeks, while he finished renovating our basement. Of course, that didn't pan out, so it's looking like we are going to be apart for another 2 weeks. It sucks. I miss him a lot. Part of the reason I left was because DH asked his friend to come live at our house for 2 weeks to help him finish the basement. He did this behind my back. I was mad. I didn't think it was right for him to ask someone to live in our house with us for any length of time before discussing with me. So I told him that while his friend is there, I will be taking DD and going to my parents. As you can probably tell, we have a lot of communication p[problems. It makes it worse that we are 9 hours apart. We call each other usually once a day but the talk is about 5 mins max and just basically exchanging basic info. I am missing having a husband. I don't know if it was wrong of me to leave with DD. I know it didn't solve anything. But i felt like it was all I could do besides outright telling DH that NO your friend cannot come live with us. Oh, btw, not only is he living at our house, we are also paying him to work by the hour and feeding him also.
Sorry for jumping all over the place here, I'm trying to get everything out as I am a mess right now.
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Your DH better learn not to
Your DH better learn not to be the most passive parent on earth if he expects you to live with his special needs child full time. From now on when he is home he needs to be spending time with his son, otherwise he is basically asking you to be the only full time parent to his challenging child. Not fair. At all. If he can't or won't take responsibility for his child by scaling back his hobbies, and if possible his work hours, then he shouldn't have custody.
I speak from some experience, my YSD moved in with us at age 14, she had serious emotional problems. Because my husband also works long hours and is not great at the heart to heart stuff with his children I allowed myself to be put in a position where I was doing 90% of the parenting. Initially I thought it was worthwhile because I really cared about SD, but the strain of living and dealing with her issues coupled with increasing resentment that I was putting in way more focus and effort on her than her Dad nearly destroyed my marriage. It also brought on a bout of depression which made it a real struggle to remain upbeat for my own children for a while. Only when I withdrew from parenting SD and told DH that I had had enough was he forced to step into the vacuum and deal with her himself. If I were you I would sit down with DH and tell him that you are making a huge commitment to parenting his child, and that he needs to demonstrate that he appreciates that effort by making some compromises in terms of his time. He needs to be setting aside time during evenings and weekends to do stuff with SS, and help with his practical care, and based on what you say you probably need a timetable 'Saturday - DH and SS swimming' 'Tue - DH and SS make dinner' in order for that to happen. If he wants to do renovations, fine, but SS should be his helper so he is spending time with him not you. Get some books on stepparenting and also on ADHD. Ideally see if you can get some counselling as a couple so you both have some support as you acclimatise to living with SS and dealing with his issues.
Your husband was also wrong to arrange a house guest without any consultation with you. You left to make a point that that was unreasonable, so you should be leaving him to stew on that and miss you, not having daily phone calls which cause you even more frustration. Leaving was a good idea, it can give you both a chance to reflect, as long as you leave him to reflect. It also forces him to take responsibility for SS and see for himself what you have to do every day.
I spent 13 of 16 years living
I spent 13 of 16 years living with my exh's "rescues" sleeping on our couch, eating our food, using our water. It was a big straw among the many that broke that marriage. I was overjoyed when I threw out his friend when I threw him out to have my home back.
You have to get stern there is nothing wrong with making your DH be a parent to HIS child, it is not unreasonable for you to be furious that he invited someone to live with you without discussing it with you (who moves in to help renovate that doesn't need a place to live?) It's time for you to have the come to jesus talk with your DH about meeting your needs to.
I hope you are not missing
I hope you are not missing him more than he is missing you. if that is the case, you're much better off staying where you are. it's his job to make things good for you to come back to. if he's not doing that, he's telling you something. don't listen to a man's words...watch his actions. is he actually DOING anything to win you back, or is going ahead with the things that caused you to leave in the first place? you have the advantage right now. do not give it up until your conditions are met. are the things corrected that caused you to leave? if not and it doesn't look like they will be, you'd better start seeing this as more of a permanent separation because if you go back with nothing being settled, there's going to be alot more decisions being made down the road that you will have no say in.