Yea but that doesnt mean that your partner gets to bitch at you b/c your parents dont want to do for kids that arent related to them. Or demand that your parents do for your kids just like they do for their own grandkids.

i think that is the real problem not fact that grandparents only want to do for their own grands but the fact that our parents are bitching about it. it is how we handle that. It goes both ways not just one side either.

My Mom lives in another country, she sends gifts back for my kids AND SD, if she were living closer, no doubt she would always include my SD in everything, I think she even has a photo of me, SO and all the kids and one of my BD and SD in her home.

My SO's Mom is amazing, (his Dad passed a few years ago) she is a wonderful Nana to her four grand kids. She is very nice to my 3 kids, she has babysat them a few times for me, but it is different, my kids are not treated the same, they don't get gifts etc (not even birthday) and I'm totally fine with that! In fact, I think I would feel awkward and uncomfortable about it, and a little guilty that 3 kids get a bit expensive when it comes to Christmas etc lol

Right now, my kids don't notice it or have any expectations, she is "Jane" to them, they really like her, so the situation suits us all perfectly fine right now...

I have wondered... what things would look like if SO and I have a baby.. would my 3 then be 'included' in the 'family'??

My parents always included my ss15 in everything while he lived with us. Everything. He got as many gifts as the other kids, they babysat for him, attended sporting events, etc. This did stop when he moved an hour away with bm. However when he was visiting with us they were still cordial and kind to him and still bought him gifts at holiday times and such. He is in detention now, but if he got out tomorrow and they saw him in the store or something I have no doubt that they would great him and be kind to him.

I have HUGE issues with my inlaws Huge ones. I have one of their bio grandkids (my youngest) and my two bios from my first marriage. They were 1 and 2 when dh and I got married. I would never have pushed my kids on someone who wasn't interested, but THEY presented themselves as "mamaw and papaw" to my children. That's how they referred to themselves. In the early years, they appeared at least a little interested in them so that is how my kids grew up knowing them. Fast forward-my oldest are 14 and 16 and for the last few years my inlaws have refused to even acknowledge them in public. They will literally run into them in public and be right next to them and refuse to even look at my kids. Why? Who the hell knows? I don't speak to my inlaws any longer nor does my dh, but this actually started before that. My kids did not do anything to them, I guess they just decided they weren't their grandkids any longer-which honestly is fine at this point I don't want them anywhere near my kids, but the rejection is hard for the kids to swallow and somewhat publicly humiliating when their friends say to them, "hey isn't that your grandma/grandpa?" "Why aren't they talking to you?" I suspect it has something to do with them taking in ss15 when they did a few years back. Like they cant love all the kids in the family, but only ss? My kids are honor roll students, they have no behavioral problems, involved in church and extracurriculars-really good kids-which seems to disgust my inlaws. They have even got mad at my dh for bragging on the kids good grades-(apparently they decided that it was an insult to ss-who wasn't present-who makes all f's) They also have nothing to do with their bio granddaughter, my youngest 11 year old dd. I have no idea if they would shun her in public as well, my guess is that they would, she just isn't out about too much without us so we haven't run across that yet. It has been years since she has spoke to them or seen them. I think it's been right about 18 months since my dd has spoke to her grandma and probably over 2 years since she has spoke or seen to her papaw-even though they live in the same small community as us.

I desperately wish that if they did not intend to care for these children or were not committed that they would not have become involved in their lives in the first place.

My family treats SS just like they do my kids. They are "Aunt" and "Uncle" "Grandma" and "Grandpa" to all of them. My inlaws are the same with my girls.

I know its not possible for everyone but it works for us. It also helps that SS was still in diapers when DH and I moved in together. We have raised them as a family.