PAS - Adult children
I'm wondering if that's what my mother is up to.
A bit of background:
My dad was barely around after my parents divorced. My mother tried to make him keep in touch, but didn't have much luck. A few years back, my dad comitted suicide, and a few years after that, my mother started talking about him more and more negatively. Now, I don't see any reason for this. But it seems as if she want to "burst my bubble" when it comes to my view of my dad. Thing is, I know he wasn't the best dad, but when he was around, he was great. Sure, he spoiled me to some extend, but not to a degree where I became a brat over it. I never expected him to give me anything. And he also had strict rules, though less strict than my mothers rules. All in all he was a good dad when he was around.
Anyone else experienced this? I find it odd, and slightly annoying. I remember all the bads, but I want to hold on to the goods. And the more good things I say about him, the worse things she comes up with. Is it considered PS when it starts 10- 15 years after the parents death?
Sorry for all the blogging, but these are blogs I have thought about posting here for a couple of years, but not dared to until now. 
- Raven Emerald's blog
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Comments
She is usually the one who
She is usually the one who brings him up, when I mention some treatment I get. She is convinced I got my disorder from him. So she starts talking negative about him, I mention something positive, and that is apparently an invitation to start talking about him. Even when I DON'T say anything, she seems to think she is obligated to talk negative about him. That's what I find weird. Why bring him up, seemingly just to trash him? It kind of feels like she is trying to make me think worse of him, which in turn weirds me out a bit.
Oh, I know how she feels, and
Oh, I know how she feels, and I always acknowledge her feelings. I just feel a bit annoyed that it seems every good thing I remember has to be "evened out" with something bad. I think it's weird that I can't bring up the challenges with my disorder, without her bringing up him at some point.
I try not to let it bother me, but it's kind of hard. I mean, I do remember all the bads, there were more of them than the goods. But that makes it important to me to also hang on to the goods, you know?
I think it partially gets to me because throughout my childhood she kept telling me how I'm just like him, body and soul. Sensitive? Yeah I guess. But it was my dad, and it does hurt when my mom only talks negatively about a man she kept telling me I was about just the same as. And I don't think I was THAT horrible as a kid. At least my stepdad and I have a good relationship. I consider him my dad as much (maybe more) than my own dad. And I know he considers me his daughter. So I don't think I was a dreadful kid.
I am sorry your dad committed
I am sorry your dad committed suicide, that must have been so hard on you, Raven. Do you have siblings? Any one other than your mother you could talk to about your dad?
What your mother is doing is wrong. She is disrespectful of your feelings. Whether your dad is dead or alive, good or bad, he is your father, the only one you have ever had. She needs to shut up and let you take the lead. If you are interested in finding out more about him FROM HER, you will come to her. If not, she needs to let it rest. What happened to not speaking ill of the dead? If she has nothing nice to say, she should say nothing.
My mother habitually bad-mouthed my father and ended up alienating me from him when i was a teenager. He was abusive, not a good husband or father, but the constant litany of put-downs led me to confront her when i was in my 20s and finally thinking independently. I asked why I had to hear all that. How would she respond if i started a similar campaign against her dad? She gave it up and for the last 20 years we have not talked about him. If she has to mention him, she pretty much refers to him these days as Mr. Smith, not "that bastard, etc etc". I do not have a close relationship with him but i am not subject any more to her endless side of the story. He never tried to speak to me about those days and their horrible divorce.
How old are you, Raven? No matter... I suggest you draw some very clear boundaries with your mother basically closing the door to this subject. I also suggest that sooner or later you may want to try therapy to sort out your own feelings.
Unfortunately, no. My dad
Unfortunately, no. My dad left my then stepmom when my brother was 2ish. They never met again (just to point out that dad was definitely not the best dad). I am the oldest, and my dad only had me and my brother. My brother has ADHD, just to top it off, so having an adult conversation with him, is difficult at it's best.
I can talk to my other siblings, but they didn't know my dad, so I don't think they really understand the feelings I have about this. But they do know what my mom is like.
I'm 35.
I don't mind her mentioning things he did wrong. But when I say I know he , but he also , I honestly think I have made it clear that dad wasn't only bad (he was a kind man, no violence or anything like that, just neglecting contact outside of visitation). And what his possible infidelity has to do with me, I don't know. That is not something I need to know about.
Weird...just...weird.
I just can't explain it with other words than PAS, at the same time, PAS doesn't really fit, either. She want to alienate me from a dead man..? Lol, bizarre.
I did tell her once, and it
I did tell her once, and it helped for a short time before she started it again. Now, I just dodge topics I know she somehow can manage to twist towards my dad. Sad, though, it would have been nice to be able to talk to her about it when I have a hard time. But I guess I just have to face that we are not meant to have that kind of relationship.
Raven, your mother is putting
Raven, your mother is putting her feelings above yours, and indulging her heart's desire to a)unload and b)win the turf war with your late father. The turf she is fighting for is you... you are her battlefield. If that wasn't the case, she would be content to unload her memories of your dad'd infidelities to her priest/therapist/2 dozen GFs. Why does she insist on dragging you down her memory lane, if you are kicking and screaming to be released? You are not all alone in the sea... you need to find a therapist and may be at some point invite your mother to join you in therapy. You CAN have a supportive relationship with her - on your terms, or on mutually acceptable terms - but not on her terms, if they include her ramming down your throat her emotional baggage. She is damaging you and not even realizing it.
Two more things i want to add. Our relationships with our parents do not end when they die. Relationships continue in our heads/hearts/souls... you father will be in your thoughts, and i am sure inheriting his features, his condition is meaningful to you, and will be in years to come, and will serve as a bond, as a bridge to him. Was his response to your mother similar to yours? Was she as dismissive of his feelings as she is of yours? Did he feel the same way - misunderstood? frustrated?
Another thing is an example from Judging Amy TV show that i will add a little later, have to get the kids to school right now.
Too doo loo!
I somewhat get this because
I somewhat get this because it is minorly happening to an extent to me. My mother passed away 6 years ago, and my parents were "happily" married for 50 years. Recently, maybe now that my father is getting remarried, my father has been saying negative things about my mother. I know my mother wasn't perfect, but I also know my mother never did anything malicious to anyone. She could hold a grudge, and she had some annoying traits toward the end, but she was still a good person. It's crazy but I said to her that I never wanted to be like her when I grew up, but now I am trying to do everything for my children that she did for me. I really do want to be like her. Anyway, it bothers me that my father is talking poorly of my mother.
I just acknowledge to my dad that my mother wasn't perfect, and ignore the rest. I've let go of any negative feelings I had toward her a few years ago. I don't know if he is bringing these things up because he feels guilty about finding happiness again. I figure the negative feelings are his problem, and I can deal with my memory of her in my way. I try not to talk much about my mother to my father (Especially now with another woman in the picture...I'm sure she doesn't want to hear it!)
Yeah, I'd do that, but
Yeah, I'd do that, but unfortunately, she can't be blamed for having a kid with a "crazy guy" (=P). It most likely snapped for him a couple of years after I was born, when he was a soldier for the UN in Beirut, Lebanon. PTSD combined with possible bipolar (never diagnosed - never treated) makes a bad dad. So he wasn't a bad dad because that was what he wanted, but because he couldn't handle it how he should.
I had a talk with him about his fatherly qualities, or lack of, about 6 months before he died. He cried, and that was the first anyone had ever seen him cry. So he knew where he failed, I know, and my mom has decided her role is to remind me...
Oh, and on a funny note (black humor): She kept telling me how angry she was for him having killed himself... A few years later, she told me SHE had considered killing HERself, too (not at the same time, later down the line). Because I totally needed to hear that I could have lost both my parents to suicide with only a few years apart.
I think my mom has some issues... Listing it like this makes it kind of obvious, eh?