It can end if your husband makes sure that it does. But he has to put his foot down and not allow it.

DH has said many times that once his youngest turns 18 all contact with BM is cut off. There is no reason for him to interact with BM any more therefore he won’t.

I never minded that SD talked about BM. I just thought of it as information gathering; the more info I had, the better I knew the enemy and could be better prepared (hopefully).

I did have the heart palpitations when BM called because she's just evil and would try anything to get what she wanted. That did not stop until SD got married and CS was done, and I knew BM could not bother us anymore with legal crap.

Kidless, I'm thinking you're around my youngest son's age--26/27. MUCH too young for all this drama!! Find yourself a nice CHILD FREE man!! There are plenty out there. No need to put yourself through the stress. Here are some warning signs to look out for because, yes, the BM is a PITA, but USUALLY biodad is FACILITATING it to your detriment and doesn't really CARE that it is affecting YOU (it took me about four years of being a doormat to come to this conclusion):

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

Oh, wow. This is the exact same thing I go through, except we are the ones with EOWE. Constant anxiety for the exact reasons you just described, especially the texting. It was constant.

I know the skids are in our lives for good, but I also worry about the BM sticking around after they are grown. DH and I fought over it. He said that since they shared children, their lives would ALWAYS be intertwined. I said that was unacceptable. After a going back and forth on this a few times, we came to some kind of understanding. This time that he is spending with his kids RIGHT NOW is the time to build a relationship with them that is completely separate from their relationship with their mother. An analogy is that I love my best friend to death but the fact that she has a mother doesn't even play into the dynamics of our relationship. WE have a relationship that is separate from our relationships with other people we love. This is normal and this is what he can have with his kids if he works towards that goal. He actually seems happier now that he's got this goal in mind. He set the kids up with messaging apps on their ipad/ipod and talks to them all the time.

One more thing, I got the constant texts from BM to stop (for the time being at least).

I did something a few weeks ago that I wouldn't advise to anyone. It worked in my situation but it very well could have blown up in my face. Actually, with time, it still could. Here's the background first:

I'm not exaggerating when I say that over 90% of her texts weren't about the logistics of pick-ups/drop-offs and other legitimate business that shared parenting requires. Most of them were her talking about her hurt feelings over the divorce, her money troubles, her, her, her. DH hated it even more than I did.

But at least those were short texts, the emails were even worse. Those were long drawn out repeats of every issue that led up to their divorce that had already been hashed out ad nauseam over MANY years and how hard things are for her now that she is an actual divorcee. The emails were full of vitriol, empty threats about withholding the kids, and even some statements that could serve as proof that she was engaging in PAS. She even had the audacity to tell him he didn't care about the THREE of them (meaning her and the skids) and how their lives had changed so drastically because of his "new lifestyle". Um, of course he doesn't care about the THREE of them. He cares about the TWO of them (the kids) which is why he pays CS out the ass, way more than required, because he doesn't trust her to provide for his children. We have no idea what "new lifestyle" even means.

So, after a year of this kind of behavior, I finally went to our phone texting records and found that she had texted him 570 times over 3 months and she never went more than 3 days without contact. I didn't go back farther because it literally made me sick to my stomach. I showed the log to DH and he was flabbergasted. He knew it was excessive but here was hard data staring him right in the face. He was finally ready to make it end but he wanted me to step in.

The last time she texted some outrageous demand of him, I was the one who responded. There was no arguing or insults like she spews at DH. She has never met me so at least she's human enough to refrain from hurling insults at a stranger. I kept the responses brief and to the point and it required a lot of repetition on my part...I answered each of her reasons why DH should bend to her will with the same response. I also told her that since she was having trouble communicating with DH on a professional level, we were blocking her number from his phone. She could use mine in cases of emergency only. We set up exact pick-up/drop-off times and concrete plans for x-mas so there would be no reason for those kinds of communications either. So far, it has been four and a half weeks of ZERO contact.

DH is thrilled of course. I haven't had to take my xanax since then. He still chats electronically with his kids often. But to be clear, the only reason this worked is because DH was ready to make her harassment stop. It's unfortunate that he couldn't do it himself and I had to step in. That could have been really, really bad. I'm counting myself lucky if this actually works in the long term.

I totally get the no control anxiety. I couldn't put my finger on it until I found Stalk about why I was struggling so much with having BM in my life. My fDH exhibits none of the behaviors that thinkthrice posted. He's a good man that loves his kids but he certainly does not spoil them and he does not put their wishes above my own nor do I do that for my children. But I seriously wonder sometimes If I can handle this external crazy BM factor at all. I hate that she thinks she gets a say in our home. I can't stand when the kids talk about her or to her. It used to eat me alive.

But honestly - if your SO does a good job of making you feel like number 1 in his life, then those feelings will start to go away and she will be nothing more than an annoyance. They should, anyway. In a healthy relationship, you will be able to get past this anxiety because you will know that nothing will ever come between you and your significant other. You need to learn to communicate. Easier said than done, I know. I have struggled too, but once I got to the point where I realized unless we talked about everything - I could not deal with this relationship - and I stopped being scared to upset him or lose him, and told him what I REALLY thought - I have been able to let so much BM drama go.

Good luck!