a wife is better than a girlfriend
I'm not sure how the conversation even started, my BD6 and SS5 were coloring a picture and somehow the topic of BM came up and SS9 thought it was important to tell BD6 that his mom was still FDH's wife and that's better than being a girlfriend....as he looked directly at me.
FDH wasn't in the room to hear it or to correct the statement, I told him about it and he said he would discuss it with his son. FDH has never discussed his divorce from BM with the boys, what that means or anything. I believe SS's are still confused. Not my place to inform them of what divorce means. Later on that same day SS9 said something regarding step parents and the fact that BM has not changed her name back to her maiden name (which apparently bothers SS9) and FDH had the opportunity to discuss the divorce with his son's and what it meant within their understanding.
My question is this, how would any of you reacted? I was very hurt by the statement and to be honest I started feeling resentful toward the child. It was just before Christmas and of course I thought to myself I just bought a crap ton of presents for you and your brothers you ungrateful little shit.....
I didn't even acknowledge what was said and got over the whole hurt for the most part, it does still bother me to some degree...mainly because I don't think that child came up with that on his own.
I just don't know what to think or feel about it.
Oh, and another thing that was discussed was SS9 told FDH and I that BM told him that if she ever gets married again SS's could change their name to the new husbands last name.......FDH was understandably LIVID and also had nothing to say about what SS9 just said and I felt like I had to say something. It is unacceptable for BM to tell those boys such a thing, and so I explained that the only way for that to happen is for the new man to adopt the boys and for that to happen FDH would have to sign over his parental rights and that would never happen because their father would never give them up. Wrong? IDK. Maybe I over stepped my boundaries in telling them the truth, but I still think they needed to know that's what would have to happen. To our knowledge BM isn't even dating anyone, but who knows. It's not our business and I'm glad that she doesn't tell us unnecessary crap like that anyway.
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Personally, I don't think
Personally, I don't think that telling a child the truth in how their last name could be changed is overstepping.
bio daughter....maybe I
bio daughter....maybe I mistyped...and he's not married anymore. They are divorced. FDH has never told them what the divorce means, I guess he expected a 3, 5 and 7 year old (at the time) to just know why he moved out and a year after he moved out and the divorce was almost final now you will be coming to visit at daddys new house with his new gf. Ive never really had disrespect issues from the boys. For the most part they are respectful and FDH and I have created boundaries and rules and levels of expectation in our home that I'm sure are different from at BMs.....at any rate I was very hurt by this comment and even more confused about where the statement came from. We have discussed with the kids our intent to get married and when, none of the kids have ever uttered a word of protest. At this point, they all think its a fantastic idea and we'll be one big family.....at least when they are with us they do.
I figured I over stepped with the name changing bit, but at the same time I don't ever intend to apologize for it if ever it becomes an issue with BM. FDH didn't make a stink with her about what SS9 told us she said and if she were to throw a fit then let her throw it. FDH also doesn't HAVE to respond to anything she says. I guess I'm not so worried about it because we both know no such thing would ever happen anyway, it would be a cold day in hell.
It's just another way for her to throw FDH under the bus and use his guilty daddy syndrome against him knowing full well he always wants the boys to be able to do what they want.....don't upset them or they might be mad at you for half a second.....(that's a whole other blog)
I agree with notasm...I'd be
I agree with notasm...I'd be pissed about how the child can say the things he says... Did the daddy not call bm and say ...what are you telling my kids???
No he didn't. And I don't
No he didn't. And I don't agree with that, I wish he would have. Then again, who's to say she owuldnt have said I never said a thing like that....she's one of those perfect BMs that does everything "for the best interest of her kids" when actually its just her best interest.....I can't roll my eyes hard enough. Anyway...fighting with her about what she did or didn't say isn't really going to accomplish anything, however a text or email that stated My son tells me you said it would be ok for another man to adopt him if you ever get married again. That will never happen. These are my children and considering I am not ghost parent it will be a cold day in hell before my son's carry another man's name.
Perhaps that isn't the right response to it either.....but you get the idea.
Then on the same hand do we really want BM to know her SIREN is also sounding the alarm on her? He's the one he wants to talk to when she calls because he will give her the most information.
Idk, at this point it kind of like we're over it now and we're not gonna beat a dead horse, I am just anticipating what issues will arise in the future.
That kind of stuff does
That kind of stuff does really hurt. SS9 asked DH if he would get back together with BM, all because I said no to having chickens in my apartment. I think SS9 still doesn't quiet understand that DH and BM are never getting back together. I also he wants them too so he can get what he wants (such as damn chickens). I think it's overstepping if you address the divorce with your skid. It's not your place, that responsibility falls on your DH.
I'm a year and a half
I'm a year and a half in....and up until this point nothing like this has been said by any ss so it does concern me what kind of toxic bs she might be feeding them. And I see and have pointed out at length FDHs guilty daddy syndrome and that if he doesn't put a stop to it now it will only get worse. These are not my kids and I'm well aware of that, but I do still care about them and they are decent kids. I know try doesn't want them to "hate him" so it is difficult for him to put his foot down at times. My only goal is to help him navigate the rough waters. I can't combat an ignorant woman, but I can help FDH. I do see drama in the future because of the little things I see now that need to be stopped. He needs to grow a set and place boundaries with the ex wife. No more giving the kids an option, it's not an option to spend time with dad or do something else. No more throwing him under the bus. Take her back to court. Document document document. He worries she will make it harder for him to get the boys but she can't because there's a court order in place. Which she uses to her advantage and doesn't when it suits her. She does allow for more time than what it states in the CO but it's when it suits her. When it doesn't, and even when his CO time doesn't suit her she changes it. He allows it and in return my life is rearranged because of it. I want to be a part of the boys lives too, I strive for all of us to be the best blended family we can be. But I can't make it happen myself and I certainly try not to overstep boundaries with BM because I know that solves nothing. She doesn't care about my opinions or our lives. FDH just doesn't get that. He thinks she's being reasonable and compromising....men are just dumb sometimes.
I don't care what any one
I don't care what any one else says. I'd have set the little fucker straight immediately. If DADDY can't be bothered to correct them, then I guess you have to. If they started spewing that the earth were flat and the sun revolved around it would you not correct that lie as well?
Ok I'm not sure this parental
Ok I'm not sure this parental alienation. First of all kids are horribly unreliable reporters. Maybe the kid and bm had a discussion about a name change. Maybe he got pieces of information wrong. Maybe he totally made it up. Kids lie. Not always maliciously. It almost seems to me that these kids are trying to make sense of all this. Trying to figure out what the staus of all the parental relationships are, how bringing new people in could change it- as in if my bm remarries does that mean that guy will be my dad? If bm changes her name does that mean I have to am supposed to? I do absolutely agree that theses kids are confused. So eti es kids will fill in the blanks themselves when they don't have accurate information.
As far as you sharing about the name change I actually think this is ok. I would have tried to make it impersonal stating that when parents remarry the kids so not change their names - that it just doesn't work that way because you always keep you father. This is general information and I think ok to explain and probably helpful.
And quite frankly I think it would have also been ok to tell the kid that his bm used to be fdh''s wife, she is his ex-wife. Again, just a statement of fact. If that caused him to have further questions then you could always suggest he ask your dh..
You do have the right to
You do have the right to defend yourself! And clarify, yourself, any misconceptions about you and your role.
It is better from DH but if he is not there, I would not let misinformation about you, to your child, go uncorrected.
Read Divorce Poison asap . . . after you do you will have a better understanding of what could be happening here.
DH definitely needs to clarify with his child also! to help with any confusion before it gets out of control.
If your DH won't do it, you
If your DH won't do it, you HAVE to because this not only involves your skids but also your bio. If skids tell this stuff to eachother, fine - let DH deal with it. But they're telling your child this, & you need to set it straight in an adult & gentle way so that your kid doesn't get confused.