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SituationalTourettes's picture

Submitted by SituationalTourettes on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 6:01am

I would like my old stepdaughter back please. Not this snotty, insolent BM worshipper.

FDH saw kids for dinner on his nightly visitation. Ironically the FSS12 listened to everything he had to say and is horrified at how hurt and upset I am. He's been texting me since last night just to talk and joke around. His sister? Oh, she "listened" supposedly.

The hurt is now fast dissolving into anger. It's all about how vicious I am to precious mommy.

You know what really and truly pisses me off? You know how we all accuse BMs of PAS against the dads? Accurate in many cases but I finally see how we SMs are used by the kids to manipulate the father. I don't like Situational now so you have to do this or not do that or I won't love or respect you, Dad.

So how exactly do you combat that? Oh we say well FDH has to choose you if he loves you or some will advise, sorry, lady, even if they're assholes, they're his kids, you're shit outta luck. THEY'RE making you choose not the SM but hey, she's not even your wife yet!

Another fucking fabulous day.

Comments

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 6:27am

I went thru that -- my SK's tried to make life absolutely miserable because it was obvious that my presence in their FATHER'S life was neither solicited nor appreciated by THEM. At first I tried to make it work. Then I stood back and watched DH chase his tail with THEM, trying to appease them at every turn so they wouldn't throw down the "We don't want to come over anymore because B22S22 is here." Didn't work, they tried it anyways.

I was heartbroken, although I wouldn't let the SK's see it. So I gave DH the easy out: I told him that obviously his kids, who are very important to him (and rightfully so), are going to put him in the middle and basically make him choose. Therefore, I told him (very nicely, and with misty eyes for effect) that the last thing I wanted to do was to come between him and his kids so I was "releasing" him from any ties with me... he could move out and break off the relationship, no questions asked. That way, he and his kids could ride off in the sunset together.

That was the moment DH started changing things around and realizing that although his kids wanted to control what he did, they had no intention of living with him, spending more time with him, etc. They were causing trouble just because they could. Their behaviors were not out of love for him, but out of resentment towards me. That, and they were basically mimicking their mom's attitude about me.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 7:50am

Stay away from BM and let DH handle his kids...Disengage now, or you will be miserable for years....

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 9:15am

It always seems like if there are two kids one is PAS'd beyond repair and the other seems to recognize it.

You can not combat it, and actually with a SD it will get worse as she goes through her teen years.

Have you ever read anything on Regressional Aggression? If not for a better understanding you may want to so that you understand where it can go from here and be preparehttp://www.steptalk.org/node/60455. We have a page here on steptalk that will take you to a link

Mommy PAS's Daddy. Until Daddy gets a girlfriend/wife/partner. BM's statements about Daddy dont go away, but they manifest and are added to by BM with statements like: Daddy loves SM/Partner/girlfriend more. Or Daddy puts SM/Partner/girlfriend before you usually she will state "us". SM/Partner/girlfriend wont let Daddy by you this. My favorite used was and the exact wording in an email to my DH by his ex wife was: I need money. (she moved out of state and we asked 20 times to set up CS before she left and every time she dodged the income information for the attorney so the CO said that she agreed she would file once settled so we told her to file)

Her email back went like this: You are so selfish, I have taken care of the girls for the last 3 weeks on my own. Personal items for girls are expensive and I have had to foot the bill ( really one was 11 one was 8 what personal items she was talking about outside of shampoo and conditioner and body soap was beyond me) I have showed the children your email and they now see you have a new family that you will be taking care of and your bitch of a wife and her girls will always be more important then they are and that they better get used to it because they are now not your children anymore.

Now I can talk about how wrong she is but I am using this as an example.

Just make sure you husband hears and recognizes now that this is happening you will never win the battle with them (maybe SS you will) it is important that you win the battle of understanding at the minimum with Hubby/

Someday skids will have lives of their own, and it will be left just you and your husband

SituationalTourettes's picture

Submitted by SituationalTourettes on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 9:35am

"regressional aggression" Never heard of that! Thank you! Definitely will research that.

And you are 100% correct and FDH does realize that eventually it will just be him and me. He already called FSD out last night on how she was away over his visitation for Xmas break with friends out of state (which he admittedly let her go although he missed her terribly) and when we saw her the weekend after she returned at her brother's game, all we got was a half assed wave from her courtside seat with precious Mommy. There's other stuff she's pulled as normal teenager behavior but he does call her out on it.

SituationalTourettes's picture

Submitted by SituationalTourettes on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 9:24am

Thank you VERY MUCH to everyone for your input

FDH is actually very supportive of me and while it angers me we even have to use such a phrase, he has "chosen" me and our life together over his oldest PAS'd daughter so I doubt he will fall for FSD15's indignant PAS bs either.

StepAside, you are absolutely correct: there will be a sit down when we get the skids this weekend. I am completely willing to accept that I lost my temper and tell my side. What I find so odd is that THIS is the event that my sk flipped out over. The prior two confrontations so to speak were roughly a year ago this past Nov and this past Oct. The first was a private texting conversation that I had with BM that she ended up telling what suited her to her kids. I mistakenly assumed it would remain private since we are adults. NOPE but then again I have no experience with PAS and such bitterness as I don't do those things to my own ex and his wife even when we fought. Second mistake was trying to call a truce while having a face to face conversation in front of skids so there were no misunderstandings. That blew up on me since BM's BF immediately jumped in, started ripping me, and it pretty much went to hell from there. Again, what the hell was I thinking that these people are intelligent, thinking adults that are even interested in problem solving/resolution. My bad.

Every time I try to act like an adult, it's a train wreck. When I act human and lose my temper, it's a nuclear disaster. So yep, gonna disengage and I hope BM contracts a disfiguring disease. Not sure all the ins and outs involved but my kids understand why I am doing it, my FDH is actually supporting me in doing it, and even the FSS understands why! That's weird but what the hell.

I was really venting about how ridiculous it is that kids try to manipulate their divorced parents. If this was a married couple and they were fighting or angry, the kids I don't think would get involved and take sides like this. Maybe I am wrong. But if I had ever found out that any of my biokids had pulled any kind of "me or her" bs on my ex and their SM, I would have exploded like a volcano on them.

Waiting on Divorce Poison book to share with FDH and also seeing if a friend's wife who is a social worker has any materials for me about PAS.

momagainfor4's picture

Submitted by momagainfor4 on Wed, 01/22/2014 - 9:57am

sd14 tried that behavior about a year ago then it came to a head 4-6 months ago. my SO never really sat her down to have the "she's not going anywhere" talk but something must've been said at some point bc it was never an option for me to NOT be around.
I'm at least glad he didn't really throw me under the bus even though he did let her talk him into a vacation at the beach while I sat here at home alone all week.
Karma took care of that problem Smile