Do all Men Want their New Wives to be Mommy?
BAckground:
My youngest DS9 has been a bit pissy lately. Sometimes he says he's jealous of the baby, sometimes he says it not fair that XYZ. The truth is that he has always been my strongest willed child and is quite the manipulator. He'd been so good for so long that I nearly forgot the HOURS And HOURS that I had to spend disciplining that boy when he was between 3- 5.
He is a willfull child and we would go four hours - I'd put him on time out. He'd tell me that he wasn't on time out and get up and walk away. I started sending him to his room and he'd come out. Then I changed the door knob around so I could lock him in. I'd literally stand outside the door and listen to him scream and yell... sometimes he'd even fall asleep. He's the kid that comes into the room with his hands over his face "crying" then peaks to see if you're paying attention.
He's also extremely cute with big blue eyes. He knows how to work everyone.
So now, dynamics have changed and 7 months later, he's back to being pissy.
OK, so here's the story. ExH is taking DD12 on a trip this weekend for her upcoming bday. it is on exH's weekend. exH asked if DS could skip bball on Sat to go somewhere with uncle. I agreed that that was fine. exH is leaving fri night. I had to remind exH that DS was in the talent show and offered to pick him up and bring him there. exH thought that was a good idea. I also offered to keep both boys (DS9 and DS10) friday night so that SM could have a break. exH said he's check with SM.
So a few days later, DS9 tells me he'd rather come spend time with me on Friday night - especially since his sister won't be at Dad's. He wanted some special time. I let exH know this and he said he'd talk with SM.
I was on the phone with exH again last night and was going over the plans for the next few days to make sure we had everything in order. When I mentioned Friday night, DS9 gestured that he wanted to stay with me. I mentioned it to exH later. He said that SM was planning on attending the Talent Show.
I told exH that I was more than happy to spend some extra time, but if SM wants the boys, she can certainly take them as I'm sure they have things they are working on in their home (relationships, etc). exH assured me that it would be fun for DS9. which I'm sure it would be. my point was that DS9 is always tired and grouchy by Friday - more so these days. The show will end around 8 and they won't get home till 8:30 or 9. Which means they will go to bed, and the uncle will pick them up in the morning.
I'm not making a big deal about this and told him it was fine either way, but come on. SM doesn't want to come to a talent show to watch DS and two of his fiends do a silly skit on a friday night, bring them home, put them to bed, etc - when she could have the weekend to herself.
Again, I'm not freaking out and I'm pretty sure that exH has requested the SM be more involved, but this really seems like a no brainer to me.
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Comments
My DH tells me I'm SS13's
My DH tells me I'm SS13's "Mom" since his BM is such a twunt and that I care more about him then BM. When I say, "honey, he's your son, you should talk to him" he'll say, "he's both of ours"
I could easily text her but
I could easily text her but at this point, I don't want to go between the two of them. I know they are in counseling and the kids bring up their fights pretty often.
Would LOVE step off as my BM.
Would LOVE step off as my BM. Holy crap, she even realized that to clarify with SM may cause fights. Do you know how many people wouldn't be able to get that? (I didn't until I read that!)
Kudos, kudos, and kudos to step off.
But yes, I think men have this desire to fill the mommy role because then they don't have to.
Oh how I wish you were SD7's
Oh how I wish you were SD7's BM.
Ditto!
Ditto!
My DH used to want me to
My DH used to want me to watch SD. I don't mind helping out. But I believe that if one parent can watch instead of stepparent, then kids should be with bios. DH would say things like "I'd rather SD be with you than crappy BM" well then you shouldn't have had a kid with that lady! Too bad, that's her mother. I always say now "Can BM watch her?" We don't live too far away.
BM and SF are completely different. They will do ANYTHING to make sure DH has no extra time with SD! BM works long shifts on weekends and SD spends all weekend in SF care. DH has mentioned that he could take her during the day sometimes, but they refuse. I'm surprised SF wants to spend so much time with SD , but he is BM's little B***h so he does whatever she says lol BM definitely wants SF to be new daddy.
I think it's easier now that we have 50/50 because we feel like we aren't missing out as much since its equal. I told DH that if BM wants to leave SD with SF oh well. But SD will remember how much BM was not around as she grows up.
yes, I agree to an extent.
yes, I agree to an extent. LOL. (And this is probably where I get all crazy BM).
I do think that if exH is not planning on being with the kids or needs assistance getting them places, etc, that he should contact me to help. But alternately, I always turn to my husband first for assistance and we always have it covered.
I've just seen exH struggle for several years with getting the kids to places they need to be on his own when he could have easily asked me for help - especially when half the time I'm planning on attending the event anyway.
But again, I think this is something that exH and SM are working on - becoming more of a team. I've noticed it very much this year and the ex has made a few additional work-related comments that lead me to beleive that.
So I am all for him improving the situation in his home - just hoping that all parties are happy with the outcome.
It must be a fantasy they all
It must be a fantasy they all have.
I mean, I love SS13 and everything but let me think... a night alone, or a night feeding him and making sure he gets to bed, up in the morning, showers, etc? Um, no. I'll take the night off.
My kids are great and sweet and all, but I'm no fool. I'm sure the woman would love a weekend to herself while her husband is out of town with his daughter. (playing Disney Day?...)
And it gets even better. For
And it gets even better.
For the last few weeks we've had this really odd schedule on Thursdays where DH would pick up SS13 and DS10 from school and then SM would pick up DS9 and DD12 since they had after school activities. Then SM would bring SS to our house, grab DS and take my bios to her house since the kids always go there on Thursday.
Now, you should also note that SM lives in another city - the same one she works in. She gets off early on Thursdays specifically to pick up the kids on Thursdays. I work from home and my DH is currently at home taking care of the baby full time.
So now, DS9 has baseball practice and it starts today. ExH and I agreed that I would just pick up all three of our kids and deliver them to the ball park by 5 for practice and exchange. He leftha me a vm a few minutes ago stating that SM would come pick up the kids as normal, drop DS9 at my house, take the other two back to their town so they could start HW, then exH would pick DS9 from my house and bring him directly to practice.
I just said, "OK".
However, I could have easily picked up my children - they are 5 minutes from my house, they could have begun working on their HW as they always do and I could have taken them all to the ball park. SM wouldn't have had to go out of her way and exH and i could have handled it.
Men!
Clearly HE is trying to include her more in the familial responsibilities. this will be interesting to see how this implodes.
yes it seems like he is but
yes it seems like he is but if I were her I wouldn't be going out of my way this much. Maybe this is something that the counselor is encouraging? During a fight one day dh actually had the nerve to say "and you know you never pick the kids up from school its always me rearanging my work schedule not you" WTH why would I do that? I promptly reminded him that i am not their mother and would not be doing any such thing ever.
That's how I think. They are
That's how I think. They are my children and my responsibility.
I don't even ask my DH, but he will offer, especially if I'm rushing home from work or need to shuffle things around. I'd still prefer to do it myself.
That's what a thoughtful
That's what a thoughtful spouse should do though, and I will certainly offer if the situation comes up like a couple of weeks ago he had an earlier than usual appt so I offered to take the kids to school on my way to work. However if I was expected to do something like that on a routine basis that would disrupt my life during his visitation I'm sorry but him and BM would have to figure out a different visiting day if it wouldn't work for him
Just another thought, maybe
Just another thought, maybe she really likes being involved. I used to love it - but the birth mom I had to deal with just made me want to puke. You don't sound like one of those crazy birth moms, so maybe she's really enjoying this, and appreciates being involved.
It could be. My kids are
It could be. My kids are pretty sweet and treat her nicely. And I do encourage her to be part of the family (getting her stuff for Mother's Day, inviting her up with me on stage to present family awards to teachers at school, etc)
However she very rarely shows up to their sporting events, activities, etc. She also vacations alone. They don't "act" like a "family" from my opinion. They act like "Dad and the kids plus Dad's wife"... or something like that. It seems there are different lives going on.
That is, of course, just my perspective. She's been around for about 7 years and has just recently started showing up so I feel like it is some of exH's prodding. But you're right. She is older so, won't be having kids of her own so she could very well be enjoying it.
Not all men are like that. My
Not all men are like that. My DH never expected me to be a replacement mom to the skids. But I think that was because he was the primary caretaker even when him and BM were together.
Her style of parenting is to sit on the couch and scream, yell and cuss. The skids, like most smart kids, picked up on the fact that she would do this but not actually get UP and MAKE them stop or do what she wanted. So, they didn't really listen to her but they DID listen to DH. He'd tell them they had until the count of THREE - and then start his counting at two and a half!
Unfortunately, I kind of expected MYSELF to fill the mom role just because of trying to cover up for the lack of parenting I felt they received. I had no idea how to be a SM. Still don't. I just did what I thought was best at the time. And sometimes I overstepped.