Ever feel like the system is so.... unbalanced?

I do. Maybe it has something to do with recently seeing the check BMs parents (yes, you read that right) gave us for sd16.

BM is "court ordered" to pay DH $100 a month in CS. When SD18 was a minor it was $200. When BM had primary physical custody DH was ordered to pay her $1600 a month for the girls. DH has always worked hard his entire life. BM COULD work but never has. Her parents paid for her to get a bachelors degree. She did. So it's not like she can't work or find a job. If a man himself did not pay his CS, he'd be in jail. But it is ok for BM to have her parents paying her cs.

If DH had tried any of the $hit BM pulled when she had custody he'd be in jail and lose his parental rights. But BM was allowed chance after chance by the judge and system. It took the kids getting abused for DH to be able to get them primarily.

These experiences have led me to conclude that primary custody should go to whoever is the better parent. If it's mom, it's mom. If it's dad, it's dad. And both bio-parents should be ordered to undergo some sort of co-parenting classes and individual counseling to help them move on romantically while keeping the ex in the picture for the kids.

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I totally think the system is

I totally think the system is unbalanced. In court and out of court. Some Dads are shitty and some aren't. My SO would love to see DD more, but BM says no. So whatever she wants the court agrees. Majority of the time, the moms make all the rules and the Dads have to tuck their tails. And then he is made out to be the POS Dad that never sees his daughter.

I just posted about this

I just posted about this yesterday... BM2 is threatening DH with more CS (she JUST got an extra 100.00/month 4 months ago) but the judge actually said, in court, that she could get more if she wanted (when DH objected to the fact that she only works PT when she is perfectly capable of working FT etc) Of course that nasty little seed was immediately planted in BMs head for her to use her terroristic threats against DH every time she doesn't like something or wants something. It's absurd.

If the roles were reversed and DH was the one in court with the PT job and he'd be getting his hand slapped and made to be a bad father and shitty member of society for not doing more to support his kids.... GUARANTEED!

oh, know what else is absurd? In my state, because neither scum bag BM had insurance when they birthed skids? Guess who gets to foot the whole fucking bill? DH. Why don't THEY have to pay a dime??? So not only does DH have to pay CS, he also gets to pay 75.00 per month for the rest of his natural life to the state to pay off the birth of 2 kids he never even wanted.

I seriously would like to do some research and find out what I can about lobbying to get things changed in my state. I fear that it would just be a huge waste of my time though as it seems that this has been going on for a very long time and will continue to.

That is crazy, especially

That is crazy, especially when there are programs out there that could have been of assistance to them.

Ugh CS.... let's see.... DH's

Ugh CS.... let's see....

DH's CS went up yet again because of course he earns more money then BM. Well why does he earn more money well because he got his college degree after they divorced, he works hard, he work 40+ hours a week, he works to move ahead, not just to collect a paycheck. BM works part time at a dead end job. When they were together they were "poor" so its not like BM and the skids were accustomed to some kind of lifestyle. DH is where he is today financially because he divorced her!

BM about 3 years ago OWED DH CS. It got to sit as a credit and DH would be able to collect it once all the skids turned 18. Now DH owes BM back CS (long story) and his wages are garnished for what he owes her and income tax will be taken to make sure she gets her money. Of course it didnt work that way when DH was owed the funds.

BM is lazy, manipulative, scams the system and PAS the skids. Yet she gets her CS every month.

Then there is me. My Ex owes $7500 in back CS. He makes no effort to send more then the server/bartender paychecks that I get. But even those come sparadic. When CS was first ordered my Ex had a different job and made more. I have taken it upon myself and told him to request a review and I wont contest it all and he is lazy and hasn't done that. I have called the CS and requested they find out why I only get CS sometimes, if he is working full time and they just ignore me or never get back to me. I never keep BS from his dad. Even though his dad does nothing to help support BS, I support 100% their relationship.

Funny how the sucky BM gets CS and yet here I am trying to do the right thing for my BS and I get screwed....

Yeah. I do think it's

Yeah. I do think it's unbalanced. I just wrote my own rant about my situation.

I think the 50/50 part should

I think the 50/50 part should depend on the kid(s) involved. Some kids may like it but others may do better with having the same routine most of the time.

>>>>>Funny how the sucky BM

>>>>>Funny how the sucky BM gets CS and yet here I am trying to do the right thing for my BS and I get screwed.<<<<

Yeah. Because good people get the raw end of it all the time. It's all about making deals and compromises, during the divorce, in mediation, or whenever.

The nice person will always lose.

My own personal experience

My own personal experience with the unbalanced court system has been this.

When BM and DH were married they made roughly the same amount of money. At one point DH worked three jobs so that she could finish her education and potentially make more (a favor she never did for him or would have returned). She graduated, got a promotion, started banging her boss a bunch of other marital problems and voila divorce/custody arrangements are put in place. A few years go by and DH has a great opportunity come his way but unfortunately it means six months of training pay which was a significant decrease from his job he had. I tell DH to go for it, it will be worth it when the training is done I can cover everything for six months, because that's what you do in a family. A few weeks after DH finishes his training he gets served with his motion to modify CS and of course it goes up to the point where not only is his raise insignificant, but the debt we accrued to get him his raise, stacked with lawyer fees now puts us starting out in the hole when we made those sacrifices to get ahead.

I understand the way it is suppose to work to "keep families fair" or whatever but it's incredibly frustrating to me that if you make a positive change a few years after the divorce the BM reaps the benefits. On top of that, why does BM get to live a higher lifestyle now than when they were married? If she took a pay cut to train and go get a better job I bet the would increase what DH has to pay to support that.

This is probably a

This is probably a contentious statement, but I don't even think that "families need to stay fair". What does that do for the kids really? One person can work their ass off to improve themselves after a divorce and the other can just take the reward for it? Not a good message, imo.

It's an outdated concept that

It's an outdated concept that needs changed. When the primary family was made up of the woman staying home and the Father working then, IMHO, it makes sense that in a divorce the dad would supplement the mom's household to help with the expenses of the child(ren) notice I say supplement and not "provide for" BIG DIFFERENCE!

These days, the majority of families I know anyway, both of the parents work or at minimum are able to work. If custody is 50/50 there should be no CS IMO and if custody is more of 80/20 or along those lines then fine, the NCP can kick in "some" money to help with the costs of the KIDS, not the new baby and the new family and the new leased car and vacation. I'm talking sports, school lunches, school fees/supplies.

darlin', you're not being

darlin', you're not being contentious, you're actually agreeing. she was saying that's the intent of the system, not her own opinion. and YES i totally agree with you that keeping it fair is NOT always in the best interest of the kids.

would take moving heaven and earth to fix it tho'.

My state's CS guidelines

My state's CS guidelines actually state that... some crap about "equality of households". WTFE.

The BM has NEVER worked, not since the day sperm met egg. And since she and DH have been divorced for going on 17 years... she's been able to collect a pretty penny, every week, without fail.

The other bonus in this state is that they shy away from imputing "potential" income. BM has a college degree. Yet her "income" is imputed as ZERO because she always has been and probably always will be unemployed. So that means my DH's CS goes UP. Yes, you read that right... if even $300/month was imputed for the BM, DH's CS would go DOWN.

I'm sooooooo glad he is only mere MONTHS away from CS ending!

Yep this is my case and DH's

Yep this is my case and DH's case.......

YUP! My Dh NEVER pays late,

YUP! My Dh NEVER pays late, it get staken out of his check from work. One time, the payroll girl was on vacation and the checks were held for 3 weeks. We got about 15 letters from CS stating a TAX OFFSET. In the meantime, the company sent the payments. I screenshot the ZERO balance, printed it and sent back a NASTY note to CS stating - WE HAVE A ZERO BALANCE. ADJUST YOUR RECORDS IMMEDIATELY!

LOL, assholes get on my nerves!

You know, that is our case as

You know, that is our case as well. My DH would tell people that I got screwed on BOTH sides of the CS fence!

BM would go to court all.the.time. to try to increase her CS. I would have had no issues IF the money was spent on the skids AND my DH was allowed to see them as the courts said he should. She was on welfare and he was (and always had been) working his ass off to support her non working ass plus babies. He paid regularly but would sometimes get a bit behind during a switch between jobs or being laid off. They were on my DH like white on rice.

Then there is my DS23's so-called father. He took off when DS was only 6 months old. I had broken up with him due to his incarceration and when he got out, he talked his parole officer into letting him go out of state to get a job with the carnival. Smart parole officer - NOT. He disappeared (leaving behind a pregnant MINOR wife age 17) and nobody could find him for years. Even though I found out AND reported to CS where he was living about three years down the road. They STILL took until my DS was almost 10 before they got everything straightened out and an actual CO issued for support.

He provided insurance for my DS as required by the CO but only on a spotty basis. He also never bothered to inform them that his son lived over 500 miles away and would not be able to use any of the in-network doctors. I never received any information on it until years later, despite repeated requests to his work as well as CSE. They would run it through, see that my DS didn't go to an in-network doc and then deny any and all claims.

Now he has switched jobs again. And even though I figured out where he works (as well as where he LIVES - they didn't even know THAT much), they STILL haven't started collecting again on him (except his tax return). He is still $12,000+ in arrears on a "child" who is almost 24. I have no idea how far in arrears he is on his daughter, my son's half-sister.

Anyway, in my case, they didn't want to deal with it because it was an interstate CO (even though it SHOULD have been in MY state not the state he fled to!). With my DH's case, they were all over him if he even looked cross eyed at something!

At the risk of starting a

At the risk of starting a shit storm, I told my BIL who is about to go through a divorce (they got pregnant very young - both minors. Just got married last August but she exhibits some of the same behaviors of the psycho BMs in our lives) that if he really thinks he can get custody of his child, he needs to work less.

After finding out that states get kickbacks from the Feds for the amount of CS collected, I figured that if he was the parent who made LESS, maybe he'd have a better chance.

She is lazy and neglectful but I highly doubt if she is bad enough (yet) to get CPS or anyone involved.

Unfortunately, they'd likely

Unfortunately, they'd likely be even harder on him if he worked less. I know about the kickbacks, but they'd likely think he shouldn't have custody if he doesn't work (but in their minds, it's ok for BM to not work :sick: )

What he does need to do, and please tell him this, is to not just sign off on whatever proposal BMs side presents him with. He needs to read it, have an attorney read it and have everything written out very clearly to make sure he gets fair time with his child.

>both bio-parents should be

>both bio-parents should be ordered to undergo some sort of co-parenting classes and individual counseling to help them move on <

Based on my experiences, co-parenting classes only work if both parents are willing to set aside their differences and actually *WANT* to co-parent and move on... It's like the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink".

In divorce situations, co-parenting without any friction is ideal but hardly ever the norm.