I am so tired right now I could just curl up and sleep til next year I think.
Recent events.
Tuesday - OH had parent teacher interviews for ss10. Didn't ask me along, went straight from work, picked up SS - hung out with him for a while, did the PT, hung out some more, got home around 9.30 (dd has dancing 7.30-8.30 so I got home just after 9) OH gets up at 4.15am and works 12 hour days, so he's pretty wrecked by 9pm. So. no time for me that night - just a quick kiss and goodnight. Oh - and he told me NOTING about the interview - SS was failing all classes at the end of last year OH was worried, this I/V nothing.
Wed - SKID night - yay. He picks them up from school (3.15 - 3.30) gets home at 5. I had to leave at 6 to drop one dd at work, and the others had acro so we were out until 8.40. So, we get tea cooked, eaten and I run out the door. OH is supposed to leave at 8 to drop off by 8.30 and be home by 9. He strolls in 9.30 again. So, quick kiss and goodnight.
Thurs - SD13's PT interviews. My dd's had dancing from 4.30 - 8.30 so I was home by just after 9. His last interview was at 8.40. He had arranged to pick up ss (why not sd I don't know) and hang with him again as he had interviews over 2.5 hours with breaks in between. They were supposed to get tea in that time. He promised he wouldn't dawdle and would be home just after 9 as well. Hmmmmph So he strolls in at 10pm. I am a little pissed - he has a pizza uneaten - just bought - I asked WTF took so long, Oh I played with SS, then when I dropped him home I had a chat with SD about what the teachers said for about half an hour (he has 4 hours without me tonight - he could pick her up tonight and take her out for a few hours and spend time with her and discuss it all then but no, he had to do it last night) I asked why she hadn't just gone with him - he said perhaps she was too scared of what the teachers would say? Her last report was really bad too, assignments not handed in, work completed was unsatisfactory, working at 2 grade levels below where she should be etc, and for attitude she only got 75/100 - with lateness, uniform violations and bad attitude on occasions (I read all this in the report he hid under our bed)
So, I asked was it really bad then? He said NO???? I said well why was she scared then? No answer. Nothing is said to me about either skid. Now I am not disengaged, I want to know what's going on, I want to be interested, and I want him to be interested in mine. But I get NOTHING.
When he strolls in at 10 he puts the TV on and eats his pizza. I am pissed off. I want some couple time, I want to talk to him, I want some affection and for him to show an interest in me, and share his life with me. I give up and snuggle in to watch TV with him, but he is distant so I remove myself. He plays on his tablet. We go to bed and I have breathing issues which always get worse for a bit when I lay down, so I lay there getting my breath under control, and he pretty much ignores me, usually once I can breath again I roll over and cuddle up to him. This time I thought fuck it you can make the first move. He just lays there like a log. Eventually he starts to fall asleep but the light is on. I ask him whether he could turn the light off. He does. We end up having a discussion about how I feel that he doesn't love me, want me, need me. He makes no effort to make the first move ever, he is never the one trying to have conversation with me (I guess he gets all his chatting done with the skids) he never snuggles or pulls me into his arms on the sofa, always me. He never initiates saying anything nice or loving - I do. I asked him if he felt loved, desired etc and he said yes, I said I don't. He got all huffy because he feels he shows me love and my feelings are wrong.
I told him that my feelings are my feelings and he is not to judge right or wrong - the fact that I have them means that they ARE for whatever reason how I feel, and he should try having some empathy for the woman he supposedly loves - where is his caring that I am sitting here hurting because I feel unloved? No, it's all about him getting his feelings hurt because I don't appreciate him.
WE talk for a bit and he makes like he gets it, that if I am feeling it then something is lacking for whatever reason, and instead of defending and telling me I am wrong he could ask why, or acknowledge me and understand, say what can I do to make you feel loved/appreciated etc. What do YOU need Luchay?
I get none of that, just attacked. Which doesn't help me feel that he cares if you know what I mean. Now maybe I am being unfair. But I am just sick of doing all the running, I told him that, I said how would you feel if I stopped being affectionate with you? If I stopped touching you randomly, stopped telling you I love you, you matter, I appreciate things you do etc? How would you feel if I didn't reach for you in bed and tell you I want you etc?
I think he got it then. I don't know we will see. WE get to sleep about 12am.
At 2am I get a text from my dd21 (upstairs in her room) "I am so so so sorry, Opie (her dog - hereafter to be known as that damned dog) ate dd11's hearing aids, they were on the bathroom bench and I pushed them all the way to the back but he still got them I will pay for new ones" - she puts that damned dog in the bathroom at night if he won't settle in her room)
So, up I go to check out the damage, they are indeed destroyed, bits missing - thankfully both batteries are still there. DD21 is really upset. Now DD11 is to blame for this as well, I have told her over and over to put them away properly not leave them in the bathroom. The last time being last night in fact....
So, we have one damned dog with hard shards of plastic in his intestinal tract, have to keep a close eye on him for a few days (have spoken to vet) one dd11 upset and knowing she is in the poo for not taking care of her aids, now aidless until new ones can be arranged.... one dd21 upset and knowing her damned dog is on his last chance with me (having a few issues with bad behaviour which she needs to get him trained) and that she may have to pay out upwards of $5000 for new aids and FM set (the little speaker bit that goes on her aid was attached - this allows the teacher to be miked and talk directly to her over all other noise etc.)
And me, I am just tired.
Then I get on FB this morning and see that early today OH put up a status:
"Very proud of my kids, parent teacher nights this week for both my kids and as soon as I walk up to the diferent teachers and introduce myself as SD13's or SS10's Dad an instant content smile comes across their face and they all start telling me what good students and good citizens they are. A couple of times I had to pull them up and ask how they are going with that actual subject. Well done kids, you put me in a happy place, love you both."
crying now. Yes that's it. Wouldn't take much really. And to see the crap he posts about the wonderbrats on FB - and I am jealous, and I think - seriously - you can schmaltz those little f*cking shits for the whole freaking world to see and I who put up with SO much shit from you all get nothing.
And I am probably over-reacting because I AM so freaking tired today. I just am feeling sorry for myself, and it would be nice to know that he cared.
holy shite! that was such an inconsiderate thing to do! Did he know you'd be checking FB? Why is he being so incommunicado with you yet has no probs posting it up for the world to see? Whose he trying to impress? BM? Sheesh - the man has blinders on, for sure!
It's so warped and twisted how they delude themselves this way! I want to slap the insensitive dick upside the head for making you feel like that.
If I brought this up with our Counsellor - she'd say that he's pushed you out of the core of your relationship and is now focused solely on his kids - you are now in an outer barrier. Man needs a wake up call.
Hugs to you Luchay - hope things get better for ou.
Damn, girl! The man trul is an ignoramus isn't he!
What about if you just started acting as though you were single? Just focus on you and yours and leave him to it - kind of a disengagement but a full fledged one - one that INCLUDES disengaging from him.
Sometimes, action speaks louder than words and if you can show him by acting single and doing things accordingly, it might shock him into reevaluating how he treats you. One great benefit from acting single would be that you could get so used to it that if it ever became real.. you'd already be on your way to finding peace.
That's what I told him I was thinking of doing last night, I asked how he would feel if I acted the same way towards him that he does towards me.
He didn't like it, acted like he got it, held me, and kissed me and we went to sleep (til the damned dog incident)
And then I wake up to his facebook status about the wonderbrats. And I think Wow, just wow, you really don't get it.
To hear you crap on about how fucking great they are when they are NOT great, and I know they are his babies, but heck, I get NOTHING from this man, no appreciation, no acknowledgement, minimal affection that I don't instigate, and he gets straight on FB and gushes about them.
Where is the love OH? It's all for the skids, and I am sick of it.
So yes, not really going to bother with him for a while. Only we have a lunch booked for tomorrow - I planned, payed for and organised it. Perhaps I should find someone else to take LOL
I think you really should try the "single living" thing and see if it shocks some reality into his skull.
And please pay attention to his actions. This behavior is happening only a few months after he cried to have you back and said he wanted to work things out. Do you think he is just falling into old habits? Or did he just say what he thought you wanted to hear to maintain the status quo?
Either way, he needs to wake up.
How is counseling going?
IF there is someone else, then this is the wrong thing to do. IF there is someone else, she has been told a ton of lies. The number lie would be that he is done with the relationshiprelationship but the OP won't accept it. IF there is someone else, fawning over him will make the other woman think she's a desperate (almost) ex who is trying to hang on to a man who no longer wants her.
There is no one else, just him and his unhealthy relationship with his kids.
I'm out.
The last two days have been hell, I just got back from the hospital after attempting suicide - I can't even fucking get that right. I just suck all around really.
After not speaking to me all day yesterday he texts and asked if ss could stay over tonight. I've been sick all week, had a migraine the last three days. I said no. Heard nothing back.
He proceeds to ignore me all night. At about midnight I asked what he was punishing me for this time.
We got into it again - how he doesn't have to answer to me (common courtesy - if you are going to be late home how about a SORRY HONEY PLANS CHANGED, WILL BE THERE BY 10 is that too much to ask? Apparently.)
How he shouldn't have to ask permission to see his son. I said most of the time it's fine. but sometimes you need to hear me and understand the stress of having them here does to me, etc etc etc - same old same old. I need time too, my kids are here yes, but they don't cause stress, they don't make me ill, they go to bed, and they don't emotionally abuse me. I just after this hellish week need for you and I to sit and be together in peace, without any stress or drama. And sometimes that has to be more important that Ben wants.
We went around and around for ages, but we finally got to talking and listening, and compromising and understanding each other, and yet again it ended well, I thought. At about 3am we finally held each other and went to sleep.
Got up, took dd's to dancing. Got home, and jumped back into bed with him. As mentioned we had a lunch date planned. but we snuggled and talked and were really close, and we even made love. WE got up and showered, and got ready to go out, and all the while he was loving and caring and attentive.
I grabbed my bag and went out and he looked upset so I hugged him and asked if he was ok. He said yes, but he obviously wasn't. I said I could tell he wasn't. He was like "it's alright" And I said "see - there is something on your mind and you don't talk to me."
He looked resigned and said he would tell me in the car. I guessed immediately. I wonder if those who have followed my story for a while can guess what comes next.
You guessed it folks. He didn't say no to ss coming over (again) tonight.
I totally lost it. Complete meltdown.
And he just kept screaming at me about how ben's his son, he can see him whenever he wants he shouldn't have to ask my permission, yada yada yada. And how he would like my kids to not be there all the time too so we can have couple time!!!
Hellllloooooo - last October on one of the rare weekends when my kids WERE away you refused the weekend away we planned so you could play taxi to your kids on the SAt and Sun because BM needed you to on HER time...
*I* would freaking prefer not to have my kids here 24/7, I would LOVE a weekend off sometimes. It's hard work doing it on your own, we NEED couple time and we have to squeeze it in, make it happen where we can because we have 5 kids (ok dd21 isn't a kid but sometimes she needs stuff from me too) I would love unpaid babysitting - even once a month just one night so we could be a couple. I would have NO problems with that at all. Unfortunately, because he begged me to move to his state to live with him (our house we bought together) my kids had to move away from their own dad, and any chance at EOWE type visitation. which makes for long hard terms for me, and long breaks without them on the hols. it's hard but I was prepared to make it work for him.
Am I so unreasonable to expect just occasionally for him to say NO and put my needs first?
It's not all the time. It's not every time she bloody well asks. It's not even 50/50 - more like for every 10 times she asks I say no once. '
Is it so wrong of me to just NOT want that stress and anxiety in my life just sometimes.
I just wanted a peaceful night in.
And he has him until 2pm tomorrow. So even Sunday is ruined.
It got REALLY ugly, I did some terrible stuff as did he. He called me crazy, said I am fucked up in the head and I need help because there is something not right in my head. I guess he's right about that.
He shoved me a lot, hit me twice in the car. And threw me across the room - I hit the wall/doorframe and fell onto the ensuite floor.
He left and I took lots of tables, obviously not the right ones though dammit as I am drowsy but still fucking here.
I just want it all to go away, all to stop. I cannot take anymore. I am passed my breaking point and I don't want to do any of this life business anymore. They will all be better without me anyway. And I knew - when he asked me about ben staying over last night - I KNEW I was a mess and I needed peace and no stress, and HE KNEW IT TOO and he said yes anyway.
The Dr's pumped my stomach, checked me over, watched me for a few hours, psych consult, recommend see a counsellor, and voila you are free to go.
NOOOOO I am not okay. They even asked me are you still having thoughts of harming yourself now, YES .... and you can leave now, don't let the door hit ya and all that.
See ya later.. Well yes, you very well may. If there were anything left in the house to take. I don't know any other way - I tried drowning last time - but it was too hard (how ridiculous I know - I just don't want the pain, and I don't want a mess for someone to clean up and I don't want to crash my car or jump in front of a train - I could the rail line is about 50 metres away - but I wouldn't do that to someone driving the train.) So we have pills, and I have none, and I really do think I want to go, be done with it all.
So if you got this far, sorry for troubling you. I just need someone to listen to me.
Do you believe he wants this to work? It's easy for people to say the right things but their actions will always reveal the truth. His actions are not screaming postive things.
What is it with dogs and hearing aids? My girlfriend has had several eaten by her dogs. They actually take them off he nightstand. Crazy. I will tell you this, if my dog, ate 5K worth of something, they would be in a cage all the time or find a new home.
He can't chase if you are always in his space. Back off. Go find some activities or a hobby that YOU enjoy that you can do on your own without him around.
Good men are most attracted to women who are independent and have their own thing going on. If nothing else, it might make him question what is going on and sometimes a tiny bit of insecurity is what they need to start treating us the way they should.
The thing is I am NOT always in his space, I am out for 1-4 hours every night , he does his thing every other Saturday, we really don't get a lot of time together, I just want him to plan stuff with ME, want to spend time with me (not that veg-out hour in front of the tele before we go to bed, beggared and with nothing to offer each other) I want quality time, I want him to tell me he appreciates me, loves me, finds me sexy - whatever - just SOMETHING.
You know, it would make my week to see him post something loving to ME on facebook. For him to put it out there about ME like he does the kids.
It's the small things, but when they are lacking - well they matter.
That asshole HIT you. Not acceptable to hit, shove, toss you. Call the cops, have him arrested.
You have to work on you. Get counseling, stick with it.
You live in the UK? Why can't dd take the bus to get to work? And the rest of the kids do the same to go to their extracurricular activities and you go pick them up. Now before the yanks on here start screaming about children on their own, it's a pretty common practice there. I got tired just reading about the 1-4 HOURS of running kids around every day.
Dh needs anger management if you stay with him.
My advice is you need to leave him. He's already got you in a headspace to where you are trying to harm yourself and the fact that you didn't mention calling the cops to address the physical abuse is telling me you think you deserve the beating you got at his hands. Abusers abuse mentally first so that by the time the first physical abuse happens the victim feels she deserves it.
Pick up your ovaries and get the fuck away from that spineless troll. Quit teaching your daughters that it is ok to let men abuse women.
I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I've been where you are. You have to decide how to find your happiness. Using suicide as manipulation is not an answer.
Hi. Thanks ladies. We live in Australia not UK public transport where we are not great, i dont' drive her to work often but her car was playing up so i did that day. I behaved badly too. Ii just went past my breaking point and i am so tired. I really lost it. I just kept screaming at him about everything - why does he never protect me, support me, put what ineed first etc why can his kid (sd13) call me a whore and he does nothing but then expects me to be welcoming them with open arms when i just needed peace that night. He had no answer and i was in his face screaming so he was shoving me out of his space. I know making excuses fir him but i have to own that i was out of line too. Not for what i was saying that's all valid, but for how i handled it (or really didnt't handle it) was not manipulating i took every damned tablet we had in the house. Obviously we dont take strong enough stuff. Bad joke. I took about 140 different tabs. Constitution of an ox? Not my time? Who knows. To be honest i still wish it had worked. I am just so tired. At this stage i have nothing left for anybody. My kids deserve better tyan me i am useless and pathetic. It's ok. I will get through this too. I'm just so wiped out right now. Sorry on my tablet cant do paras and typing is crap.
When the hospital released me he picked me up, we didn't talk - of course the son was there... how could he say no to his baby even with me in the hospital.
We finally talked later in the evening. The psych I spoke to told me I need to make him understand exactly the stress his kids put me under, just the thought of their presence now makes my ill - and it's not so much the son, just his princess. But I get ill, anxiety, stress. I suck it up for the weekends and Weds when I know they will be here, I put on a smile and I get through it pretty much.
But it is slowly destroying me that after all this time they (she) still behaves the way she does with NO word of support/protection for me from him. He allows this girl to be this way towards me. So HE is the cause of my illness.
Anyway, she said I needed to make it clear to him WHY sometimes he has to say no, he needs to acknowledge what his daughter and himself are doing to me and step up to take care of me. Which means putting what I need first.
He apparently got it. He had also talked to my mum a bit yesterday, and he was so scared and upset, and he said he does know, and he does understand and that he will do better, he will try harder, etc etc etc.
So, we go to bed ok. Not good obviously, but we are ok, we have been more honest about our feelings than for a very long time. And we are on the same page. We are going to keep working on it.
Fast forward to today. My dd's had dancing at 9am, so the plan was for me to take them dancing, get the groceries, pick up dd8 at 11am and go home to him. then he has to drop ss off at 1.30 and I had to pick up dd11 at 2. All sorted, we were going to just relax and have some quiet time, and just regroup.
I shop at 2 supermarkets, did one, just had to pick up a few items from the other. But I had plenty of time, so I popped on my tablet in the carpark and checked up on here. When I got off I had a text from him.
Bear in mind, it is BM's weekend. BM has a new boyfriend apparently. So, the deal last night was sd13 was invited to a sleepover party - from 5 yesterday til 1.30 today - in our town, half hour from BM. So BM thought to palm off ss on us, and have a night of passion with the new love interest. So, he took ss as we all know.
The text. SD has had enough and wants him to pick her up and he will take them both back to BM at 2pm.
I just said no.
Then I called. And I was like seriously? This is what you think I need after yesterday? Why can't BM get her?
BM said no, call your father.
So he offered to pick her up and take them both back to BM's by 11.30.
Ok, better but not the point really.
What the fuck happened to saying no to her sometimes, putting my needs first? And if he couldn't even do it today. Well. What hope is there.
Then he started screaming at me about how unreasonable I was and how she's his daughter she is his responsibility etc etc
I said but when she is with US you say she is not BM's responsibility, why when it is BM time is it always up to you to run when they click their fingers?
I am breaking apart here, I am a mess, I cannot take anymore. I still wish that what I did yesterday had worked, you are supposed to have understood, you are supposed to have promised to put me first, to help me, to ease my load. And the first snap of that little bitches finger and I am dust beneath your feet.
He is leaving again because *I* am such a selfish unreasonable bitch.
So. I am devastated. Why couldn't I have mattered enough for him to follow through - even today.
You cannot base your worth off someone else. You are internalizing his inability to say no as a rejection of you. Not only that, but this perceived rejection makes you want to end your life. I think you need a serious break from this guy. Do it on your terms to give you more sense of control. He may not be giving you what you need, but you can.
Comments
Hmmm. I am so tired right now
Hmmm.
I am so tired right now I could just curl up and sleep til next year I think.
Recent events.
Tuesday - OH had parent teacher interviews for ss10. Didn't ask me along, went straight from work, picked up SS - hung out with him for a while, did the PT, hung out some more, got home around 9.30 (dd has dancing 7.30-8.30 so I got home just after 9) OH gets up at 4.15am and works 12 hour days, so he's pretty wrecked by 9pm. So. no time for me that night - just a quick kiss and goodnight. Oh - and he told me NOTING about the interview - SS was failing all classes at the end of last year OH was worried, this I/V nothing.
Wed - SKID night - yay. He picks them up from school (3.15 - 3.30) gets home at 5. I had to leave at 6 to drop one dd at work, and the others had acro so we were out until 8.40. So, we get tea cooked, eaten and I run out the door. OH is supposed to leave at 8 to drop off by 8.30 and be home by 9. He strolls in 9.30 again. So, quick kiss and goodnight.
Thurs - SD13's PT interviews. My dd's had dancing from 4.30 - 8.30 so I was home by just after 9. His last interview was at 8.40. He had arranged to pick up ss (why not sd I don't know) and hang with him again as he had interviews over 2.5 hours with breaks in between. They were supposed to get tea in that time. He promised he wouldn't dawdle and would be home just after 9 as well. Hmmmmph So he strolls in at 10pm. I am a little pissed - he has a pizza uneaten - just bought - I asked WTF took so long, Oh I played with SS, then when I dropped him home I had a chat with SD about what the teachers said for about half an hour (he has 4 hours without me tonight - he could pick her up tonight and take her out for a few hours and spend time with her and discuss it all then but no, he had to do it last night) I asked why she hadn't just gone with him - he said perhaps she was too scared of what the teachers would say? Her last report was really bad too, assignments not handed in, work completed was unsatisfactory, working at 2 grade levels below where she should be etc, and for attitude she only got 75/100 - with lateness, uniform violations and bad attitude on occasions (I read all this in the report he hid under our bed)
So, I asked was it really bad then? He said NO???? I said well why was she scared then? No answer. Nothing is said to me about either skid. Now I am not disengaged, I want to know what's going on, I want to be interested, and I want him to be interested in mine. But I get NOTHING.
When he strolls in at 10 he puts the TV on and eats his pizza. I am pissed off. I want some couple time, I want to talk to him, I want some affection and for him to show an interest in me, and share his life with me. I give up and snuggle in to watch TV with him, but he is distant so I remove myself. He plays on his tablet. We go to bed and I have breathing issues which always get worse for a bit when I lay down, so I lay there getting my breath under control, and he pretty much ignores me, usually once I can breath again I roll over and cuddle up to him. This time I thought fuck it you can make the first move. He just lays there like a log. Eventually he starts to fall asleep but the light is on. I ask him whether he could turn the light off. He does. We end up having a discussion about how I feel that he doesn't love me, want me, need me. He makes no effort to make the first move ever, he is never the one trying to have conversation with me (I guess he gets all his chatting done with the skids) he never snuggles or pulls me into his arms on the sofa, always me. He never initiates saying anything nice or loving - I do. I asked him if he felt loved, desired etc and he said yes, I said I don't. He got all huffy because he feels he shows me love and my feelings are wrong.
I told him that my feelings are my feelings and he is not to judge right or wrong - the fact that I have them means that they ARE for whatever reason how I feel, and he should try having some empathy for the woman he supposedly loves - where is his caring that I am sitting here hurting because I feel unloved? No, it's all about him getting his feelings hurt because I don't appreciate him.
WE talk for a bit and he makes like he gets it, that if I am feeling it then something is lacking for whatever reason, and instead of defending and telling me I am wrong he could ask why, or acknowledge me and understand, say what can I do to make you feel loved/appreciated etc. What do YOU need Luchay?
I get none of that, just attacked. Which doesn't help me feel that he cares if you know what I mean. Now maybe I am being unfair. But I am just sick of doing all the running, I told him that, I said how would you feel if I stopped being affectionate with you? If I stopped touching you randomly, stopped telling you I love you, you matter, I appreciate things you do etc? How would you feel if I didn't reach for you in bed and tell you I want you etc?
I think he got it then. I don't know we will see. WE get to sleep about 12am.
At 2am I get a text from my dd21 (upstairs in her room) "I am so so so sorry, Opie (her dog - hereafter to be known as that damned dog) ate dd11's hearing aids, they were on the bathroom bench and I pushed them all the way to the back but he still got them I will pay for new ones" - she puts that damned dog in the bathroom at night if he won't settle in her room)
So, up I go to check out the damage, they are indeed destroyed, bits missing - thankfully both batteries are still there. DD21 is really upset. Now DD11 is to blame for this as well, I have told her over and over to put them away properly not leave them in the bathroom. The last time being last night in fact....
So, we have one damned dog with hard shards of plastic in his intestinal tract, have to keep a close eye on him for a few days (have spoken to vet) one dd11 upset and knowing she is in the poo for not taking care of her aids, now aidless until new ones can be arranged.... one dd21 upset and knowing her damned dog is on his last chance with me (having a few issues with bad behaviour which she needs to get him trained) and that she may have to pay out upwards of $5000 for new aids and FM set (the little speaker bit that goes on her aid was attached - this allows the teacher to be miked and talk directly to her over all other noise etc.)
And me, I am just tired.
Then I get on FB this morning and see that early today OH put up a status:
"Very proud of my kids, parent teacher nights this week for both my kids and as soon as I walk up to the diferent teachers and introduce myself as SD13's or SS10's Dad an instant content smile comes across their face and they all start telling me what good students and good citizens they are. A couple of times I had to pull them up and ask how they are going with that actual subject. Well done kids, you put me in a happy place, love you both."
And I think Fuck you OH, just fuck you.
and I secretly KNOW it's BS.
crying now. Yes that's it.
And I am probably over-reacting because I AM so freaking tired today. I just am feeling sorry for myself, and it would be nice to know that he cared.
holy shite! that was such an
holy shite! that was such an inconsiderate thing to do! Did he know you'd be checking FB? Why is he being so incommunicado with you yet has no probs posting it up for the world to see? Whose he trying to impress? BM? Sheesh - the man has blinders on, for sure!
It's so warped and twisted how they delude themselves this way! I want to slap the insensitive dick upside the head for making you feel like that.
If I brought this up with our Counsellor - she'd say that he's pushed you out of the core of your relationship and is now focused solely on his kids - you are now in an outer barrier. Man needs a wake up call.
Hugs to you Luchay - hope things get better for ou.
Oh yeah, he knows I would see
Oh yeah, he knows I would see it.
Yes, the inner core here has always been him and his kids. Sucks to be me.
Damn, girl! The man trul is
Damn, girl! The man trul is an ignoramus isn't he!
What about if you just started acting as though you were single? Just focus on you and yours and leave him to it - kind of a disengagement but a full fledged one - one that INCLUDES disengaging from him.
Sometimes, action speaks louder than words and if you can show him by acting single and doing things accordingly, it might shock him into reevaluating how he treats you. One great benefit from acting single would be that you could get so used to it that if it ever became real.. you'd already be on your way to finding peace.
That's what I told him I was
That's what I told him I was thinking of doing last night, I asked how he would feel if I acted the same way towards him that he does towards me.
He didn't like it, acted like he got it, held me, and kissed me and we went to sleep (til the damned dog incident)
And then I wake up to his facebook status about the wonderbrats. And I think Wow, just wow, you really don't get it.
To hear you crap on about how fucking great they are when they are NOT great, and I know they are his babies, but heck, I get NOTHING from this man, no appreciation, no acknowledgement, minimal affection that I don't instigate, and he gets straight on FB and gushes about them.
Where is the love OH? It's all for the skids, and I am sick of it.
So yes, not really going to bother with him for a while. Only we have a lunch booked for tomorrow - I planned, payed for and organised it. Perhaps I should find someone else to take LOL
^^ This. ^^ I think you
I think you really should try the "single living" thing and see if it shocks some reality into his skull.
And please pay attention to his actions. This behavior is happening only a few months after he cried to have you back and said he wanted to work things out. Do you think he is just falling into old habits? Or did he just say what he thought you wanted to hear to maintain the status quo?
Either way, he needs to wake up.
How is counseling going?
IF there is someone else,
IF there is someone else, then this is the wrong thing to do. IF there is someone else, she has been told a ton of lies. The number lie would be that he is done with the relationshiprelationship but the OP won't accept it. IF there is someone else, fawning over him will make the other woman think she's a desperate (almost) ex who is trying to hang on to a man who no longer wants her.
There is no one else, just
There is no one else, just him and his unhealthy relationship with his kids.
I'm out.
The last two days have been hell, I just got back from the hospital after attempting suicide - I can't even fucking get that right. I just suck all around really.
After not speaking to me all day yesterday he texts and asked if ss could stay over tonight. I've been sick all week, had a migraine the last three days. I said no. Heard nothing back.
He proceeds to ignore me all night. At about midnight I asked what he was punishing me for this time.
We got into it again - how he doesn't have to answer to me (common courtesy - if you are going to be late home how about a SORRY HONEY PLANS CHANGED, WILL BE THERE BY 10 is that too much to ask? Apparently.)
How he shouldn't have to ask permission to see his son. I said most of the time it's fine. but sometimes you need to hear me and understand the stress of having them here does to me, etc etc etc - same old same old. I need time too, my kids are here yes, but they don't cause stress, they don't make me ill, they go to bed, and they don't emotionally abuse me. I just after this hellish week need for you and I to sit and be together in peace, without any stress or drama. And sometimes that has to be more important that Ben wants.
We went around and around for ages, but we finally got to talking and listening, and compromising and understanding each other, and yet again it ended well, I thought. At about 3am we finally held each other and went to sleep.
Got up, took dd's to dancing. Got home, and jumped back into bed with him. As mentioned we had a lunch date planned. but we snuggled and talked and were really close, and we even made love. WE got up and showered, and got ready to go out, and all the while he was loving and caring and attentive.
I grabbed my bag and went out and he looked upset so I hugged him and asked if he was ok. He said yes, but he obviously wasn't. I said I could tell he wasn't. He was like "it's alright" And I said "see - there is something on your mind and you don't talk to me."
He looked resigned and said he would tell me in the car. I guessed immediately. I wonder if those who have followed my story for a while can guess what comes next.
You guessed it folks. He didn't say no to ss coming over (again) tonight.
I totally lost it. Complete meltdown.
And he just kept screaming at me about how ben's his son, he can see him whenever he wants he shouldn't have to ask my permission, yada yada yada. And how he would like my kids to not be there all the time too so we can have couple time!!!
Hellllloooooo - last October on one of the rare weekends when my kids WERE away you refused the weekend away we planned so you could play taxi to your kids on the SAt and Sun because BM needed you to on HER time...
*I* would freaking prefer not to have my kids here 24/7, I would LOVE a weekend off sometimes. It's hard work doing it on your own, we NEED couple time and we have to squeeze it in, make it happen where we can because we have 5 kids (ok dd21 isn't a kid but sometimes she needs stuff from me too) I would love unpaid babysitting - even once a month just one night so we could be a couple. I would have NO problems with that at all. Unfortunately, because he begged me to move to his state to live with him (our house we bought together) my kids had to move away from their own dad, and any chance at EOWE type visitation. which makes for long hard terms for me, and long breaks without them on the hols. it's hard but I was prepared to make it work for him.
Am I so unreasonable to expect just occasionally for him to say NO and put my needs first?
It's not all the time. It's not every time she bloody well asks. It's not even 50/50 - more like for every 10 times she asks I say no once. '
Is it so wrong of me to just NOT want that stress and anxiety in my life just sometimes.
I just wanted a peaceful night in.
And he has him until 2pm tomorrow. So even Sunday is ruined.
It got REALLY ugly, I did some terrible stuff as did he. He called me crazy, said I am fucked up in the head and I need help because there is something not right in my head. I guess he's right about that.
He shoved me a lot, hit me twice in the car. And threw me across the room - I hit the wall/doorframe and fell onto the ensuite floor.
He left and I took lots of tables, obviously not the right ones though dammit as I am drowsy but still fucking here.
I just want it all to go away, all to stop. I cannot take anymore. I am passed my breaking point and I don't want to do any of this life business anymore. They will all be better without me anyway. And I knew - when he asked me about ben staying over last night - I KNEW I was a mess and I needed peace and no stress, and HE KNEW IT TOO and he said yes anyway.
The Dr's pumped my stomach, checked me over, watched me for a few hours, psych consult, recommend see a counsellor, and voila you are free to go.
NOOOOO I am not okay. They even asked me are you still having thoughts of harming yourself now, YES .... and you can leave now, don't let the door hit ya and all that.
See ya later.. Well yes, you very well may. If there were anything left in the house to take. I don't know any other way - I tried drowning last time - but it was too hard (how ridiculous I know - I just don't want the pain, and I don't want a mess for someone to clean up and I don't want to crash my car or jump in front of a train - I could the rail line is about 50 metres away - but I wouldn't do that to someone driving the train.) So we have pills, and I have none, and I really do think I want to go, be done with it all.
So if you got this far, sorry for troubling you. I just need someone to listen to me.
Please think about your
Please think about your daughters. They love you and need you.
Just walk away from this guy. It will hurt for a bit but the pain goes away. Please focus on loving yourself and your girls.
Call or go somewhere and get help. Your girls need your love and guidance. Please do not do this.
yes I remember. LOL Thanks.
Thanks.
Omg!! Apparently he didnt
Omg!! Apparently he didnt tell what you signed up for?
Reading this , I felt as if you were just a replacement!
Im sorry your life with this man is that of a maid!
Show your colors!!!
Get on the computer and DELETE his Facebook acct...
Then plan a week away if not more! This is no marriage or life..
What is YOUR future like? Stand up and be noticed!
If he doesn't like your sudden independence, then you will know exactly what HE signed YOU up for by saying "I DO"!!
Do you believe he wants this
Do you believe he wants this to work? It's easy for people to say the right things but their actions will always reveal the truth. His actions are not screaming postive things.
What is it with dogs and
What is it with dogs and hearing aids? My girlfriend has had several eaten by her dogs. They actually take them off he nightstand. Crazy. I will tell you this, if my dog, ate 5K worth of something, they would be in a cage all the time or find a new home.
He can't chase if you are
He can't chase if you are always in his space. Back off. Go find some activities or a hobby that YOU enjoy that you can do on your own without him around.
Good men are most attracted to women who are independent and have their own thing going on. If nothing else, it might make him question what is going on and sometimes a tiny bit of insecurity is what they need to start treating us the way they should.
The thing is I am NOT always
The thing is I am NOT always in his space, I am out for 1-4 hours every night , he does his thing every other Saturday, we really don't get a lot of time together, I just want him to plan stuff with ME, want to spend time with me (not that veg-out hour in front of the tele before we go to bed, beggared and with nothing to offer each other) I want quality time, I want him to tell me he appreciates me, loves me, finds me sexy - whatever - just SOMETHING.
You know, it would make my week to see him post something loving to ME on facebook. For him to put it out there about ME like he does the kids.
It's the small things, but when they are lacking - well they matter.
That asshole HIT you. Not
That asshole HIT you. Not acceptable to hit, shove, toss you. Call the cops, have him arrested.
You have to work on you. Get counseling, stick with it.
You live in the UK? Why can't dd take the bus to get to work? And the rest of the kids do the same to go to their extracurricular activities and you go pick them up. Now before the yanks on here start screaming about children on their own, it's a pretty common practice there. I got tired just reading about the 1-4 HOURS of running kids around every day.
Dh needs anger management if you stay with him.
My advice is you need to leave him. He's already got you in a headspace to where you are trying to harm yourself and the fact that you didn't mention calling the cops to address the physical abuse is telling me you think you deserve the beating you got at his hands. Abusers abuse mentally first so that by the time the first physical abuse happens the victim feels she deserves it.
Pick up your ovaries and get the fuck away from that spineless troll. Quit teaching your daughters that it is ok to let men abuse women.
I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I've been where you are. You have to decide how to find your happiness. Using suicide as manipulation is not an answer.
Hi. Thanks ladies. We live in
Hi. Thanks ladies. We live in Australia not UK public transport where we are not great, i dont' drive her to work often but her car was playing up so i did that day. I behaved badly too. Ii just went past my breaking point and i am so tired. I really lost it. I just kept screaming at him about everything - why does he never protect me, support me, put what ineed first etc why can his kid (sd13) call me a whore and he does nothing but then expects me to be welcoming them with open arms when i just needed peace that night. He had no answer and i was in his face screaming so he was shoving me out of his space. I know making excuses fir him but i have to own that i was out of line too. Not for what i was saying that's all valid, but for how i handled it (or really didnt't handle it) was not manipulating i took every damned tablet we had in the house. Obviously we dont take strong enough stuff. Bad joke. I took about 140 different tabs. Constitution of an ox? Not my time? Who knows. To be honest i still wish it had worked. I am just so tired. At this stage i have nothing left for anybody. My kids deserve better tyan me i am useless and pathetic. It's ok. I will get through this too. I'm just so wiped out right now. Sorry on my tablet cant do paras and typing is crap.
So. Update. When the
So.
Update.
When the hospital released me he picked me up, we didn't talk - of course the son was there... how could he say no to his baby even with me in the hospital.
We finally talked later in the evening. The psych I spoke to told me I need to make him understand exactly the stress his kids put me under, just the thought of their presence now makes my ill - and it's not so much the son, just his princess. But I get ill, anxiety, stress. I suck it up for the weekends and Weds when I know they will be here, I put on a smile and I get through it pretty much.
But it is slowly destroying me that after all this time they (she) still behaves the way she does with NO word of support/protection for me from him. He allows this girl to be this way towards me. So HE is the cause of my illness.
Anyway, she said I needed to make it clear to him WHY sometimes he has to say no, he needs to acknowledge what his daughter and himself are doing to me and step up to take care of me. Which means putting what I need first.
He apparently got it. He had also talked to my mum a bit yesterday, and he was so scared and upset, and he said he does know, and he does understand and that he will do better, he will try harder, etc etc etc.
So, we go to bed ok. Not good obviously, but we are ok, we have been more honest about our feelings than for a very long time. And we are on the same page. We are going to keep working on it.
Fast forward to today. My dd's had dancing at 9am, so the plan was for me to take them dancing, get the groceries, pick up dd8 at 11am and go home to him. then he has to drop ss off at 1.30 and I had to pick up dd11 at 2. All sorted, we were going to just relax and have some quiet time, and just regroup.
I shop at 2 supermarkets, did one, just had to pick up a few items from the other. But I had plenty of time, so I popped on my tablet in the carpark and checked up on here. When I got off I had a text from him.
Bear in mind, it is BM's weekend. BM has a new boyfriend apparently. So, the deal last night was sd13 was invited to a sleepover party - from 5 yesterday til 1.30 today - in our town, half hour from BM. So BM thought to palm off ss on us, and have a night of passion with the new love interest. So, he took ss as we all know.
The text. SD has had enough and wants him to pick her up and he will take them both back to BM at 2pm.
I just said no.
Then I called. And I was like seriously? This is what you think I need after yesterday? Why can't BM get her?
BM said no, call your father.
So he offered to pick her up and take them both back to BM's by 11.30.
Ok, better but not the point really.
What the fuck happened to saying no to her sometimes, putting my needs first? And if he couldn't even do it today. Well. What hope is there.
Then he started screaming at me about how unreasonable I was and how she's his daughter she is his responsibility etc etc
I said but when she is with US you say she is not BM's responsibility, why when it is BM time is it always up to you to run when they click their fingers?
I am breaking apart here, I am a mess, I cannot take anymore. I still wish that what I did yesterday had worked, you are supposed to have understood, you are supposed to have promised to put me first, to help me, to ease my load. And the first snap of that little bitches finger and I am dust beneath your feet.
He is leaving again because *I* am such a selfish unreasonable bitch.
So. I am devastated. Why couldn't I have mattered enough for him to follow through - even today.
You cannot base your worth
You cannot base your worth off someone else. You are internalizing his inability to say no as a rejection of you. Not only that, but this perceived rejection makes you want to end your life. I think you need a serious break from this guy. Do it on your terms to give you more sense of control. He may not be giving you what you need, but you can.
yes, you are right. I KNOW
yes, you are right. I KNOW that in my head.