I think for me it's a combination of a few things. I would attribute the most to BM- she has really gone out of her way to cause conflict. She has displayed several acts of PAS over the years and has tried very hard to sabotage and steel the relationships that my DH has with his children. If the BM we dealt with were sane, I think 90% of our problems would disappear.

The last 10% of issues is a combination between me and the overall dynamics of step life. I am to blame because I do have jealousy and "territory" issues around the dynamics. I hate sharing my DH with his ex- this is irrational on my part, he has good boundaries, but he still has to communicate with her. I don't like sharing holidays. I don't like having to run every vacation/schedule/activity by a third party. I would love to be able to say to my family "happy Friday, let's get out of here for the weekend" and go... we cannot do that. Lastly is the normal step stuff- it's just annoying trying to keep up with the schedules, what needs to go back to BMs and what needs brought here, our house rules vs. BM's lack of house rules, Our idea of manners vs. BM's lack of parenting. Transition days are difficult etc.

My DH is wonderful, my skids are overall pretty good kids. Their Pain in the ass moments are all normal kid things and my DH does a good job keeping them in line. In a lot of ways he is a better parent than I am, in other ways I am a better parent than he is, we blend well together.

DH's conflict avoidance was the biggest thing for us too. It seems like BM and bad skid behavior would have been easier to contain if he didn't act so scared of it in the beginning.

88% DH. He is a guilty dad. He takes that out on me and my bios.
7% BMs. BM 1 isn't so bad. And better now that she makes more money. E.g., do not call DH and ask him to buy SS underwear. Go buy your damn son some underwear...BM2 (ExWife) is stupid. No drama...she just literally believes that SS doesn't need DH and so he should just go away and leave her and "her son" alone.
5% me. I went against my good sense when we got married and played along with DHs "one big happy family" dream. I grew up in an intact family. A stepfamily does not function like an intact, nuclear family. It just doesn't. I should've set some boundaries (financially especially) up at the start.

50% DH. The fact that he avoids conflict. That he refuses to actually parent his children all the time and not just when its convienent for him. The fact that I feel like he isn't "loyal" to our marriage when it comes to the skids and thier bs. That instead of addressing issues, he has turned away from them. Allowing the skids to be disrespectful at times to me.

^^^ THIS. And the fact that DH is afraid that SS will turn against him so he has a constant fear of upsetting SS.

35% BM - Because she does not understand boundaries and has PAS'd out SS to where he hates me and just looks at DH like a paycheck. I firmly believe if she would have kept her thoughts about me and DH to herself and encouraged SS to form a relationship with DH outside of her and respect me as DH's wife and as an ADULT we would not have the problems we do today with SS.

15% SS - Because he is entitled, lazy (to a degree) and he wants everything and everybody to make it all about him.

80% - BM - She is just psycho & reeks havoc whenever possible by lying, manipulating, breaking the law, etc.

15% - DH - By trying to "get along" & falling prey to BM's games for so long, now that he is trying to set boundaries, it makes things twice as hard b/c I have to walk him through everything step by step & BM has zero respect for him. Also, even though he wants me to help him parent when it is convenient for him, if he disagrees with the way I am handling SD, then suddenly I have no right to parent :? One other thing is that I am always last on his priority list - for instance, take a day off to spend with SD - no problem! But take a few hours off to spend with your wife - eh, he'd rather take a nap

5% - SD - She's just a little kid being normal but she's not my kid so I get tired & resentful of the constant annoying chatter, cleaning up after her, spending my money & time on her needs, etc. Also, it is not really her fault that her parents haven't taught her any better.

DH and I fall into bad patterns of not trusting that we are in fact on the same team. It is SO much better now that we recognize it but it was pretty bad in the beginning.

One of my biggest fears was that DH and BM were "co-parenting" and deciding things that were going to affect my life too and yet I had no say in it. DH feared that I was going to get angry at him every time BM caused problems and that eventually I would get sick of his baggage and leave. It was really easy for us to feed each others fears by the way we reacted to BM antics. It was almost like we were setting ourselves up for those things to become self fulfilling prophecies sometimes.

The biggest hurdles we had to overcome: controlling our reactions to BM, not projecting our own fears onto each other, approaching every hurdle as teammates rather than adversaries.

99.9% is the fact that my DH refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem

Refuses to acknowledge that at best SD18 is ODD

Refuses to acknowledge that she is a liar, he will admit it when I speak in reference to it but have a conversation with her and confront her...NO

Refuses to have any conversation with his ex about anything that has to do with either daughter.

Doesnt give a shit about how SD15 does in school, or if she has seen a doctor, eye doctor or dentist or has medical benefits.

SD18 decided she was moving out of our home last year when I decided to become undisengaged and let her know it. She moved with DH parents. He gives them not a red cent.

MY DH deals with nothing that has to do with his kids.

So my thought process is, if you dont give a shit what happens to her after highschool ends and her mother doesnt give a shit, and your parents are paying for her every need, why the fuck should I care....

35% dh for disneying, 35% dumbass for being a shitty mom, 20% kids who should begin taking personal responsibility instead of blaming everyone else or expecting everything handed to them on a platter, and 10% me for being too ridgid.

OOH! MATH!!!

Me (static constant) 10% - On account that I hail from a different time, a different family upbringing and a different culture that (by some standards) are viewed as completely alien. (eg. No matter how many times I tried to explain it to DW, she still doesn't understand why my family opens their Christmas presents at midnight).

SS (Variable ) 25% - 2X - y^2 Where X is the number of days that passed that SS hasn't cried (X will never exceed 10), and where y equals the days where DW will ensure he goes to bed at the designated bed time (Normally y won't exceed 5).

DW (variable) 25% + 2X + y^2

Donkeykong (constant) Applying the above formula, Donkeykong is responsible for roughly between 31% and 33%.

External factors (imaginary numbers) - Girlfriend, peers, friends, teachers still constitutes as unknown variables and can only be modeled using phasors and differential formula but should, by my hyposthesis, constitute to less than 5%, so for the purpose of this exercise can be safely ignored - for now....

its a three-way tie....BM, PB, and DH..... :sick: