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Forgotten things = another meltdown

Rhinodad's picture

This is going to be a long one. We had some bad weather here yesterday that caused traffic delays. DW wasn't going to be able to make it to pick up SD7 by 6pm, so I went to pick her up after I picked up BS3 from daycare.

Got to the school, everything is fine, drive all the way home, park in the garage and start getting out of the car.

SD7 says "You need to take me back to school right now."

Me: "What? Why?"

SD7: "Because I forgot some school stuff."

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm not getting us all back in the car and driving back up there. You need to be more responsible with your things. I'm sure you can get it tomorrow."

SD7 (yelling now): "Nooooooo.... that's not fair. Take me back to school! I need to get my things! I forgot them! I do take care of my things - I just forgot!"

Sd7's rant continues as we go in the house. Mind you this kids forgets/loses things constantly. Lost her binder (required by the school) several times, lost her coat, loses toys she brings to school. I know for a fact that her BioDad has driven her back to the school once, and another time checked the lost and found for her - despite it being right at the front door, where SD7 knows where it is and can look easily. But SD7 treats her things like crap, doesn't take care of anything, etc. I also know, tomorrow being the last day of school, that there is no homework or anything she needs to turn in. I did not feel sorry for her at all and just told her again: "You can get them tomorrow."

Meanwhile she's starts screaming at me about how I never do anything for her, how it's not fair that I won't take her, I'm so mean, it's my fault if it gets stolen, etc. She then proceeds to stomp around, throws her coat, takes off her shoes and throws them at the wall. My BS3 son asks me "SD7 is being a bad girl?" I told him yes, he goes and plays with his trucks quietly. So then I take SD7 aside and tell her, calmly: "This behavior is unacceptable. Do not talk to me like that, in such a disrespectful manner, I am an ADULT. YOU forgot your things, AGAIN, and it is not my responsibility to make sure you have them. IF they get stolen, it is your fault for leaving them there in the first place. Now, you can go to your room until your mother gets home, because I don't want to hear this attitude from you anymore." She does, slamming the door in the process. Whatever.

I call wife to warn her of what she's going to encounter when she gets home. She says she'll deal with it when she gets home. We hang up. A few minutes later SD7 starts screaming at the top of her lungs (just to make sure I know she is crying), and starts hitting the wall or throwing things. This is my house, and I'm not going to tolerate that kind of behavior, so I go in to her room. She has thrown things all around her room is still screaming, foaming at the mouth, spitting - honestly you'd think the kid was possessed. I told her to knock it off or I'd take everything out of her room and throw it in the trash. I shut her door. Well, the throwing things stopped, but the screaming gets even louder and I can here her quite clearly. I know she is doing it for effect, crying as loud as she can so I can't help but hear her.

So, I call DW again and tell her that SD7 is now screaming, foaming at the mouth and had been throwing things. DW tells me to put Sd7 on the phone. 5 minutes later Sd7 is done with her dramatics and calls me to get the phone back. DW says "I just told her to knock it off and we'll talk about it when I get home."

So, DW gets home and I'm in the process of cooking dinner. SD7 is still in her room, so DW goes in to talk to her... BS3 tags along and keeps repeating that SD7 "is being a bad girl." I had to keep telling him to mind his business. Anyway, they are talking and I can hear SD7 raising her voice to DW, but whatever. Anyway, I need to ask a question about dinner to both of them about their burgers and how they want them. SD7 cops an attitude and says "Give me cheese." DW stops her, says "You need to lose the attitude right now. Rhinodad did nothing wrong. It was your fault you forgot your stuff, and you will have to look for it tomorrow. I wouldn't have taken you back to school either."

I'm thinking "Alright DW! Standing up for me for once! Not letting the kid get away with her nonsense." Then DW rudely tells me: "Can you go away, forget about the damn hamburgers I'm trying to deal with something here."

Oh really, DW? Is it ANYTHING like what I had to deal with 20 minutes ago? Geez, I have no idea how frustrating/annoying that can be. None whatsoever. So now I'm pissed at DW's attitude.

Five minutes later she sends SD7 outside while I'm at the grill to apologize to me. I'm like, "Ok, do you know why you are apologizing?" SD7: "No. Mommy told me to." I explain to her that I can't accept an apology if she doesn't know why she's even apologizing. That leaving her stuff was not my fault, her things are her responsibility and she can look for them tomorrow. She starts to say "But, but, but..." I say "unless the next thing to come out of your mouth is going to be you telling me you know exactly why you should apologize to me, I suggest you stop talking and go inside." She did.

So dinner is ready, kids are at the table, DW and I are in the kitchen getting beverages for everyone. DW says "Did she tell you why she was so upset?" I say "Yes because she forgot her school stuff at school." DW: "She is upset because she made fathers day things for you and BioDad and is afraid they will get stolen."

I look at DW, shocked, and say: "So, what? I'm supposed to excuse her behavior because maybe she made something for me for father's day? All of her disrespect, screaming, throwing things, etc? She never once mentioned fathers day stuff too me - all she did was scream about how I was being unfair, etc. Regardless, it doesn't excuse her horrendous behavior."

DW gets angry "I wasn't saying that to suggest that it excused her behavior, just to let you know why she was so upset." (Even though this is what a normal person in my situation would probably think.)

Me: "I do not believe that. I believe she got so upset because I wouldn't take her back to school and she knows that BioDad would. She's upset because she thinks I'm Evil StepDad and I'm being sooooo hard on her. I guarantee if this situation had occurred with you, there would not have been nearly the drama our mouthiness out of her."

Then SD7 comes in from the table and so that is sort of where the conversation ended. SD7 proceeded to ask DW for chocolate milk with dinner (which is considered a treat in our house). DW says "Sure, if you are good the rest of the night." All I could do was shake my head... DW had just rewarded SD7 after some seriously poor behavior. I guess I shouldn't be shocked anymore.

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

Wow! This shit would piss me off, because guess what? Your BS3 is taking ALL of this in and it won't be long before he starts testing the waters and doing this crap that SD does (screaming, throwing tantrums, being disrespectful etc). Does your DW get that when she is busy making excuses for and rewarding the SD brat??

Starla's picture

I hate to say it..your wife seriously needs parenting classes in my honest opinion. Even if SD7 was soooo dramatically upset over forgetting what she made, the attitude is completely unnecessary. The BM just rewarded her and taught her that she can behave as she pleases as long as she can throw her BM a bone from time to time. Lol I would have taken it like that if my mom allowed me to behave like that. As for the door being slammed, she deserves to lose it until she can act her age. I feel bad for you bc this girl has mommy wrapped around her finger and she knows it.

AllySkoo's picture

OK (deep breath) I'm going to admit something here in the hopes that you can use it to help:

I've done what your wife did.

(Ducks and hides in shame.)

We have a BS5 who can SERIOUSLY test boundaries. And yes, I have rather abruptly asked my DH to just let me handle something - but because I was mad at BS, not DH. Doesn't excuse the behavior, and I did at least apologize for it. But yeah - your wife was insanely frustrated at her kid's behavior and angry, and she forgot to use her "nice" voice with her Dear Husband. (I'll apologize for her if you like. I'm so sorry.)

I've also been guilty of giving my kid chocolate milk after one of those episodes, because at that point? I'd seriously give up a kidney, have an un-medicated root canal, or go live in a convent where everyone is only allowed to speak once a year just to not have another fight. Sorry again.

About the only thing you can do with this, is to recognize that if your wife is like me, it's all coming from a place of utter exhaustion from this crap. She wants her kid to behave, she's embarrassed and angry and frustrated and has no idea how to make it stop.

So. I dunno if your wife is feeling what I'm feeling, but if it were me? All I really want my DH to say is this, "Babe, it seems like you're getting sort of overwhelmed with the kid testing boundaries. What can I do to help you?" I may not actually have an idea, but just to know that we're a team? And that he's not looking at me like, "What are you going to do about this?!?" Would be SUCH a relief!