Who Put these Ideas in my Daughter's Head?
Last week my DD8 was having some trouble with her homework. She had to write six sentences, three about what she has already learned at school, and three about what she would like to learn about. She was having a hard time thinking of anything and was getting very upset about it, to the point that she was almost in tears.
My SO overheard us so when I went downstairs to get a glass of water he asked me about it. He asked me "Is D8 okay?"
I explained to him about her homework assignment and that she was upset because she couldn't think of anything.
My D8 came to the head of the stairs and said "Mommy, can I talk to you in private?" Okay, so we went into her room.
She said "Mommy, I don't want you to tell SO that I'm upset about my homework."
I said "I'm sorry, he was just asking about you because he heard you crying."
"No, I don't want you telling him because, because-" I could tell she was struggling to express herself so finally I said, "Did that embarrass you?"
She nodded her head.
I said "Honey, you don't have to be embarrassed, it's nothing to be ashamed about, everybody has problems doing their homework every once in a while."
She said "I don't want you telling him because he's not my dad."
I said "No, he is not your dad, but he cares about you and is worried about you when you're upset."
Then she said "I don't want you to tell him because he's not my dad. I've only lived with him for one year and he's not my dad. I've known my dad my whole life and I've only known SO for one year."
When she said this I was like Whoa, who put these ideas in your head?
I said "Who told you all this, that you've only lived with SO for one year and he's not your dad?"
She said "No one." I find that hard to believe. There is no way she understands how long a year is, or that we've been living with SO for one year.
She has a close relationship with my SO, my SO cares for both of my girls, but he bonded to my youngest one quicker since she was six when we started dating. I don't remember when it started but she tells him she loves him all the time.
I explained to her that no, SO is not her dad, but he cares a lot about her, he was the one that taught her how to ride her bike, that sometimes he takes her to school or picks her up from the after school program, and he spends time with her.
I asked her "Do you love your dad more than you love me?" She said, "No"
I said, "Do I love you more than your sister?" She said "No"
I explained "I love your sister, but that doesn't mean I love you any less. you can love more than one person and it doesn't mean you love someone else any less."
I think she got my point. I hope I handled this the right way. I'm just surprised to hear this from her.
We've been living with my SO for over a year now, and I don't know if my exH might have said something to her about him. My ex and my SO has a polite cordial relationship, so no problems there.
- amber3902's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You're right - I'm not sure
You're right - I'm not sure how she would understand how long a year is. Someone would have had to tell her that.
I come across the same thing with my SD6. She'll say something that I can tell came from her mom or another adult, based on the way she words it.
I don't know if there is a right way to handle this situation. I think you did the best you could at the time.
Thanks, like you say I did
Thanks, like you say I did the best I could at the time. The only person that would have put these ideas in D8's head would have been her dad.
Even though he doesn't seem to have a problem with SO, I guess he probably feels jealous of him and is trying to influence D8's mind against him.
She probably referred to him
She probably referred to him in some way to BioDad and he said it. He felt insecure and that is what he said. I don't think it is PAs, just a reaction and a bad way to handle it. You did fine, but also remember that he is not her dad and you have to be sensitive to that as well.
My sons went through this
My sons went through this recently and I posted about it. They are almost 7 and my husband is great with them. Not pushing himself on them but is just there when they need him. And they love him but all of a sudden it was 'But he's not my DAD so I dont have to listen to him' or 'I love you but I don't love DH'
I finally sat down and said 'You have one Daddy and one Mommy, that's right. But you do have a step father who helps take care of you. Everything we do for you, is part me and part stepfather. He cares very much for you and it hurts him when you say these things. Do you want to hurt DH?' and they agreed they didn't and said they were 'just kidding' and I said 'If you continue to speak and disrespect DH, he will do his own thing during our time together. I will not have you be mean to him. He won't be around for our days together. You don't have to love him or tell him but you will respect him or he will disengage from his relationship and I will support that because it's not a nice thing to be mean to someone who loves you.'
This changed them completely. They've gotten closer since that talk.
It was as simple as 'He loves you. He wants to take care of you. He understands he's not your Dad. If you don't show him respect, he will not do things for you anymore because you are not nice to him'
I think my ex has some jealousy issues with my husband and I'm not sure if or what kind of comments he's making. He knows he's not a great at some 'dad things' so he takes that out on my husband who is great with my boys. And I'm just happy my boys have 2 good men to look up to.
I think you just keep reiterating these ideals with your Daughter and she will come around. It's hard. Step-parenting sucks.
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your experience. I believe I have pretty much the same situation with my girls.
I've never tried to push my SO to have a relationship with my girls or vise versa, but I have always demanded they treat him with respect. I've also said something similar to the "you don't have to love him but you will respect him" statement to both of them.
I do believe my ex might be jealous of my SO, he also sucks in the dad department. My SO does not have any kids of his own and this is his first experience being with someone that has kids, but he's getting the hang of things. Also, my SO makes a lot more money than my ex, and he's given my eldest daughter a car for her sixteen birthday.
I don't know what's going on in my ex's head, but I'm sure these things do affect him.
I'll just keep doing like you advised. Something like this has never happened before, which is why it caught me off guard. I would have expected this from my 16 year old, but not my 8 year old. She is so attached to my SO, I was very surprised to hear her say something like this, it was so out of character for her.
She's 8. Kids who are 3
She's 8. Kids who are 3 might not have the concept of a year but by 8 they do. Seriously. They know one grade in school to the next is a year, that there's a year between Christmases, etc.
I'd be willing to bet she was talking to kids at school is where she got it.
It could be she understands
It could be she understands the concept of a year now, that might be another possibility.
Although the way she went on about how SO is not her dad, she's only known him for a year, etc. seemed rather "rehearsed" to me.