I need advice please
I've posted a couple of other times but mainly have been quietly reading for 2 years or so.
We have an appointment with our counselor tomorrow. There are a couple things I feel DH and I need to work on.
Bare with me PLEASE this is long but I need advice. Maybe even just an outside view point.
The one involving just our relationship.. Anytime we see things different whether it be something the kids did, we did, saw, said whatever DH always goes on defense I'm questioning his word, he's stupid, I don't respect him... The list can go on. Normally it will be something small. For example, I tell all kids stop moving the seats in the car. Leave tem alone. Next time we get in first thig SD does is ask him if she can put her seat up. I tell him I told them all to leave them alone. He goes on about how it's really far back one of the kids must have done it. I told him, no I did it. He doesn't believe me tells her she can put it up. I being it up to him 2 days later. He says I questioning him and he guesses it is my car so whatever I say goes he has no authority, right? I explain I told them all to leave them alone and as normal only my kids have to listen to me, I did it to close the gap between the seat and the trunk area (it is a wagon type vehicle). Oh, he must of misunderstood me. He didn't think I would have really done it but when I ask him if I have to fully explain myself to him for him to make SD listen to me, he goes back into why do I not value his opinion.
I asked him if he sees what he is saying. He questions me and we can dismiss it with oh, it was a misunderstand. I question him, I don't repect him, I make issues out of everything, I think he is a crap parent ...
He asks me well, when was the last time you told me it was a misunderstanding?? Seriously, we have this issue all the time, he never says he is sorry, he downplays everything he or SD do but up plays everything me or my son does. My daughter is Switzerland in this house no issues there. But I am just tired of his victim role.
My second issue. We have a tv and Wii-u pad in one living room, the xbox in another. SD is on netflix on the wii-u pad from 330- until bedtime everyday. No one else gets to use it. He tries to tell me it because she can't play with my kids, or whatever excuse he has that day. The last one was well she asks to play the xbox and I tell her no all the time so your kids can play the xbox. If I'm not home he lets her play the xbox. Came home tonight wii-u pad is in her room (so my son can't play it) and she is on the xbox. Seems like a small issue but seriously sick of how it is with her. My kids have household and personal chores daily. They don't get to play the wii-u and she moves to the Tv if the pad dies normall she had the Wii up so loud you have to blare the Tv to hear it over the wii in her room.
So my kids have to ( I make them) do personal chores and household chores. They have to share the xbox. Barely watch Tv, can't play the wii unless she is gone because he acts like she owns it. She has no chores barely cleans her room has only showered Monday and Wednesday this week and she gets to "own" the Wii-u. Watch netflix while eatting dinner even though she lost netflix for not being trust worthy. But we apparently have forgotten about that.
Let me give you a run down. My kids chore changes daily. They have it on their bedrooms wall. Today dd11 comes home from school, takes care of her bunny, picks up dog poop, and gets on the xbox. My DS9 has trash daily. On Monday is other chore is to take cans to the curb, Tuesday he brings them in. My kids and I have different days to clean the cat boxes as they were our cats when I meet DH. So today my BS9( he is homeschooled, the only one) gets up takes care of his snake, toads, chameleon, bird (yes I have a lot of pets) does school, after school takes out the trash, cleans the cat boxes, did a load of laundry during school, and waits to play the xbox. He did get some TV time as I told him to just turn it up louder the SD and the wii. At 450 I take my kids to back to school. Get home SD is on the xbox. BS asks to play the wii pad is in sD room. Told him to go ask DH for the pad. Apparently SD is getting off the xbox and right back on the pad so BS can't play the wii. Ok. My kids have to call BF. At 730 my kids have had maybe 1hour home that they shared TV and/or xbox time. SD had been on either the wii or xbox since 330. Like I said BS isn't allowed to get the wii pad. Late dinner, due to back to school nite we order pizza. (My kids begged me about 4 months ago to just eat dinner in their rooms away from SD, I let them). BS read while eatting. BD who supposedly is the only kid who has earned netflix (so DH said but we back track ALOT around here for SD) watches YouTube. SD stays on the wii. After dinner around 745, my BS gets 30 mins to play xbox. SD bedtime comes and goes. BS bedtime is 30 mins later then hers. He was off the xbox and in bed before she was off the wii. DD then gets to play xbox from 815-845. Both my kids read before bed time.
I have tried to talk to DH about the fact that SD is the only one he gives wii time too. He will not get her off it. He doesn't care. I'm getting pissed. It is such blank favoritism. His kid was given a privilege she lost for being untrustworthy that she hasn't gained back. She has no chores, barely cleans her room and my kids who are learning great life lessons (sharing, household chores,.... Etc) don't even get the same "rewards" available to them.
How do I bring this up with the therapist (tried at home it didn't work) and actually get DH to hear me????
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The pet thing is another item
The pet thing is another item that pisses me off.
DS has a snake, a chameleon, 2 toads, a bird, and a cat. DD has a bunny and a cat. I have a chameleon (different one) 2 cats and 2 dogs and 6 chickens. My kids take care of their pets on their own. SD has a 5 gallon rank with 2 goldfish. She has killed 3, DH ran right out and got her more. DH helps her take care of the tank. He does most of the water change out. Of course, me his wife gets very little help with my pets. SD has been caught hurting my animals. I have told DH I do not want her to touch them PERIOD!!!! She goes in the backyard, dogs get put up. She is not to touch the cats. DH has started giving her permission. I have come home to her messing with my Pomeranian. He told me straight out he is not going to call me to ask what SD can do. Isn't it pretty simple?? Unless it is her fish, or his pet ( he has none) he does get to give her permission to mess with my animals.
He will send SD in the backyard to play, I put my dog up.
Sounds to me like it's
Sounds to me like it's obvious favoritism. It's so hard to see it sometimes, but it happens. I would bring this post with you to your counselors appointment. I wouldn't let anyone see it but you so that your DH doesn't see you posted here. I would read it outloud to the counselor with your DH present. I would simply say, I wrote this out last night so that it would be clear in my mind when were here. Ask for your DH to add his input to your accusations and after he speaks allow the counselor to offer input to the circumstances.
My guess is, your counselor will have some suggestions how to work through this, if that' what you really want. My concern is more for your kids. They're seeing obvious differnces in how they're being treated in their own home. If you don't stand up for them no one will. I made the mistake long ago of not defending my kids enough. I trusted my partner to be a good person and have my kids best interests at heart. Unfortunately he didn't. I eventually left him and moved on. If you want to save this relationship, you need to clear the air and make sure he understands. If you don't you're heading for a mess.
Good luck to you!
I was concerned for my kids.
I was concerned for my kids. But I have them in counseling and I have explained to them along with the counselor that I am their mom. Everything I have them do is because of who I want them to grow up to be. I don't expect DH to have my kids interests at heart over his own, I don't have SDs interests at heart over my own.
I made sure to add I make them do chores. It is what I believe is best for them. SD doesn't have to do chores but she surely shouldn't be given preference for rewards.
I am full disengaged with SD. I have very little to do with her. This reward system makes me made because DD and DS do so much more then her.
Yeh. I'm fine with DH getting
Yeh. I'm fine with DH getting mad. But yes, I guess I do have to be blunt on this. My kids get in their room to be away from SD. Neither one likes her and I don't blame them.
I would bring it up in terms
I would bring it up in terms of what you want to happen vs. what is actually happening now. It seems like your DH will get defensive rather than proactive.
So for example: I am having issues with electronics. I would like to see a schedule with the electronics, I feel like all of the kids should have limits and have to share. I would like all of the family members to help out with chores, my kids will have more since they are there more but i want everyone to contribute. I would like DH and I to be a team and united front. When we disagree the children see one of us being undermined rather than both of us as authoritative adults.
All last school year SD
All last school year SD "owned" the TV. I talked to DH this summer about making it across the board. Time limits and must have our rooms picked up first. This lasted 2 months until my kids older half sister came to visit. Then it was all about poor SD she is left out. So heet her on Netflix even though she lost that privilege. In a month it has gone from scheduling to her getting it all she wants. From first thing in the morning on Weekends to after bedtime.
I fibd myself to be odd man
I fibd myself to be odd man out here a lot because of my level of engagement but I say eff that and change it yourself. Every morning change the WiFi password or steel the power cord and make each chore worth a half hour (or whatever) of screen time. Oh and if your DH challenges you on it, hide it from him too!
Wouldn't the problems that
Wouldn't the problems that come along with that being more of an issue for my bios versus me trying to get DH to understand??
I have no involvement with SD BECAUSE OF HER ATTITUDE AND DH (sorry my phone went on all caps and I don't want to retype that) does not back me up.
"feels left out" Wow. If I
"feels left out"
Wow. If I were the kid's parent, I would be teaching her to make friends with all the steps and halfs in the house so she is welcome on her own merit. Or if that's not reasonable because of ages, whatever, I would be scheduling play dates for her with her own friends so she gets socialized.
The LAST thing I would do is tell her she gets rewarded for anti-social behavior by getting to monopolize electronic devices that she can use to not only isolate herself further but also get her resented by the kids.
Gotta ask, is there still a
Gotta ask, is there still a lotta love between your DH and you? Do you like each other? Haven't read the thread carefully so sorry if I've missed important info. But from the way you two are communicating with each other, I felt it merited bringing up.
Married people are supposed to like each other and be deeply concerned about each other's happiness. What I see described here is more about winning an argument. It's your car, your DH should be teaching his kid to respect it, so that part's easy in an objective way.
Instead, he's coddling the child and pushing your buttons. You can stop arguing with him in two ways. Option one is simply be firm with both him and the child. "Excuse me, Dad, but I know you didn't realize the rule is xyz and I've already told SD this." Stick to that. Just laugh if he tries to wrangle, "you must be joking, hahah! (smile happily)" Get out of the car if you have to and refuse to go on the errand or outing or whatever it is. He can take his kid in his car, you take yours in your car. That kind of thing.
Option two is saying sincerely, lovingly, and with an open heart (in private between the two of you), "I'm not happy. I'm not happy at all. I need you to help me with this. I can't manage children without your backing. I need you to back me up. The car seats don't matter. How things are between you and me matters to the moon and back." Etc.
Just wondering if you two like each other enough to make any of it worthwhile?
We have felt that the other
We have felt that the other one doesn't like the other. Did that make sense? I have felt he doesn't like me, he has felt the same. But yes, we like each other. I am in the middle of the hiring process 2 hours away. We have had 3 over night stays without kids in that city for the job stuff. When kids are removed we do great.
During counseling he stayed he feels that I attack him.
Counselor stated that he thinks we don't trust each other to look out for each other. We are on the same team but tearing each other down. We have the start of a game plan. Work on small issue. Write down the topic at the beginning, and no going off topic. No tit for Tat.
One subject at a time.
We are to try to move forward setting rules for our household as a team. Flexibility gets worked in, once in awhile exceptions. But one rule is set it is the rule and we talk before it changes. No random changing of rules.