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Still feeling betrayed

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Thu, 09/18/2014 - 5:19pm

I have had a lot of problems over the years with DH and SD. WE had marital issues over the fights about SD (who is now 36) married with 3 kids. Of course once Gkids came along I became the loving step-gramma, until the demands and criticism got to be too much.

Things just escalated and it felt like DH and SD ganged up on me and were emotionally abusive. I got very sick and the stress at that time (around 4-5 years ago) nearly killed me.

I disengaged 2 years ago approx. and although I have been in their company together, it is never comfortable and easy. So I stay away as much as I can.

DH doesn't see SD as much anymore since we moved away, but everytime he makes plans with her and gkids I feel betrayed. He apologized for his part and promised it would never happen again but I just don't trust him still.

SD has what she wanted all along now - no SM - since I am rarely around anymore. DH going to see her feels like he is betraying me and loving my enemy - or the other woman. That is how it felt for a long time - like she was the other woman - very sick.

I cannot get my mind to accept the situation as it is. I feel disconnected from DH because he still thinks SD did nothing wrong and sticks up for her. I feel so sad right now since it is SGK birthday this weekend and I am sure they are planning something and I am for sure excluded as usual. Now I don't really want to go anyway so why do I care that I am excluded - this is what I don't really understand. My mind is playing weird tricks on me right now and I just wish he would go away and stay away because of all the step-shit.

Any advise on how to get over this hump would be appreciated. Thanks.

Comments

bellladonna's picture

Submitted by bellladonna on Thu, 09/18/2014 - 6:27pm

Here's the thing. You can't depend on your husband to make you happy. No one can make you happy. Happiness comes from within. What's going on in your life? Do you have hobbies? Friends? Interests? What kinds of things make you happy? You should focus on those things instead of SD, sgkids, and DH.

To be honest, SD should be a non-issue at this point. She's a 36 year old woman. There's something more going on here.

Do you have abandonment issues? You have to get to the root of the problem before you'll start to feel better.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 09/18/2014 - 7:11pm

Belladonna is right. Only you can make you happy.
So they are excluding you. Get on with your life and maybe if DH sees you no longer care to be around him before, during or after his paternal love-fest he may just see things differently.
Appreciate that you do not have to go along and be uncomfortable. Send along a card and a gift from you for the child if you wish. And plan a day for yourself. Walk around naked all day if you want.
I wonder if you have a scenario playing out in your head where he realises what a brat his daughter was, he lectures her, she has a come-to-Jesus moment and apologises to you in front of all the gathered friends and family. You seem to want Your Moment to shine.
Sadly, it isn't coming. So spend some money (I find when my s/sons turn up and DH ignores me I find Hobby Lobby or Michael calling my name... and my debit card)while he is off spending time with his daughter and her family and do your own thing. Just send a card and a gift/money for the birthday child. That is the classy thing to do.

blayze's picture

Submitted by blayze on Thu, 09/18/2014 - 8:47pm

Well, I understand how you feel. I wouldn't be able to get over it. Your man stuck up for another woman (not your blood) and you feel that she wronged you. Would other people agree, in general, with your stance on the issue that caused the end of you and SD's relationship? Did DH only stick up for her because she's his daughter? If so, no way would my hobbies make up for the feelings of betrayal. I'm one of those people who believes that if you cause harm to someone I love, our relationship is done. I was adamant about SO cutting ties with BM not because she is an ex, but because she caused HIM and ME harm. She hurt two people I love and she had to go.

I think that it would be wrong for me to continue a relationship with someone that caused my man or my son pain... that may be harsh, and possibly illogical to those who don't share my values, but loyalty is high on my list of values... I give it and expect it... and if I'm generally a fair person who doesn't harm others, I expect my SO to stick up for me. And yeah, that means disliking/shunning those people who disrespect me (as I would do for him).

IslandGal's picture

Submitted by IslandGal on Thu, 09/18/2014 - 9:27pm

I'm sorry but I would have the biggest fit on this planet if my SO did this to me. He would be showing his kid that he doesn't give a shit about my feelings and would only encourage her attitude of nastiness towards me.

We are either a united front or we are not. Full stop. I would start finding outside interests or something to occupy my time. I would then start living my life as a single person, because that's basically what you become when he goes off to visit with her and grandkids. God, that would hurt so damned much!

I'm not sure what to advise because I haven't been in my relationship that long.. but I definitely would find something else to do, places to visit etc.

Try to focus on what makes YOU happy. Build yourself a network of friends who could fill your time and live as if you were single.

Me? I'd probably tell my SO that I need a break - a loong one..then plan a holiday away to collect my thoughts, and think about whether I want to remain in this joke of a relationship.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh - but I'm hurting for you and want to deck your inconsiderate hubby!