I guess I will be writing this blog to vent..

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we lost our first one March 1, 2013, miscarriage and had to get a D&C. September 19, 2014, I realized I was 5 days late but didn't know if it was the stress I was consuming. (in a custody battle currently) I took a pregnancy test, and it had a faint line. Just to verify that I was pregnant, I went to the doctor that following day, and they said I was pregnant, congratulations. I was in utter shock. I didn't know if I should be happy or scared.. all these emotions.

I know my husband was thrilled and so was my family. I wanted to hold off telling my son until I saw him in person because he has been praying I would get pregnant. He has been praying that mommy would have two. Who would have thought coming out of a 5 year old so eager to have a brother or sister.

Then almost two weeks later, I started bleeding. It wasn't bright blood. It was really dark. My first pregnancy, with my son, I bled the first trimester. My doctors then, told me it was normal as long as it was brown, its the blood outside the uterus, like an old period. Then, I started having left abdominal cramps. Okay?? So I don't remember this in any of my pregnancies. One Saturday evening, Sept 27, I told my husband we needed to go to the ER. I just didn't feel right. We went in, ..ohh my goodness, the ER likes to take their time. I felt like we were their forever. From 4pm-11pm. ..

Crazy, huh? They did a pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed. They did a vaginalexam, and said that they couldn't see anything, but doesn't mean anything because I was around 5 weeks. My hgc levels were at 18,000 that night. The ER doctor told me I needed to see my OBGYN immediately just to follow up on the level to make sure they were okay. So I had some more lab work done, and my hcg levels had doubled to 28,000. My OB said okay, I want you to get another vaginalexam done in a few days.

Well, that day came to go get my vaginal exam done, I couldn't get out of bed because I was in so much pain on my left side. I had to have my husband drive me to my appointments. The nurse said return back to the office so we can talk. I found out right their in the room that at 6 weeks their should be a sac in my uterus, they couldn't find anything their. Nor they couldn't find anything in my tubes, but because I was having so much pain in my tubes, he told me I was have ECTOPIC Pregnancy, and I needed to do either one of these two things, go and surgically remove it before it ruptures, or go and get the methotrexate shot to terminate the pregnancy. I didn't know how to respond because it was still registering that I had to kill the baby before it killed me... (way I took it)

Of course we chose the methotrexate shot. For all that doesn't know what that is, which I didn't know until my doctor explained it to me either. It kills the embryo and makes the baby dissolve in the tubes. They would have to continue checking on my hcg levels until they decreased to 0. So, we left the office and went to another office to get this done. The shot doesn't hurt, but the medicine is very uncomfortable. Since I am a big old baby, my doctor prescribed me some pain killers to help.

I had this all Wed, October 1. The methortexate shot doesn't work right away. Well, I definetly felt nothing. I didn't start feeling cramps until Friday evening, and Defintely SATURDAY. This weekend, my husband is scheduled to get his kids. So instead of telling his exwife the truth, which I do understand because she is a nosey cow. He tells her we cannot get the kids because my wifes out of town, and I have to work all weekend. No one to watch them. She goes well I have a photo shoot and they cannot be with me. She says what about your parents? Of course his parents says yes. Having the methotrexate shot I cannot be around people, its a chemo shot that lowers your immune system. Dr said not be around anyone for 48 hours atleast and def a week of not having or going anywhere because of the immune system. (which I already have a crappy one anyways)

I didn't mind his kids staying at his moms. Saturday arrives, I have horrible pains. I mean excruciating pains, and I pass the sac in the toilet. It scared me more than anything. I feel scarred for life. .. I have never seen anything like that and really didn't dawn on me to begin with since my second pregncy m/c I had a D&C. I call my husband crying on what to do I think you should come home soon, etc, etc. HE tells me do what you think you should do. Flush it or burry it. I didn't want to touch it, and all I can think of is.. that poor baby.. I ended up flushing it, and he comes home about 3pm and goes back over to his kids to have dinner with them. Only came back to know that he had a friend with him that had to get home..

Saturday night, I am sooo much.. I was in tears and medication wasnt working. I ask my husband to call the drs office so we can get someone on call. He gets someone on call and tells them I am hurting, what is to be expected. The dr on call basically says its normal to be in pain, but if the medicine is not working its possible something could be wrong, bring her in. Instead of bringing me in, he tells me to take another pill and if doesnt work we will go in. I take another pil in pain and it still doesn't work and he is beside me sleeping/snoring away. I am crying in pain beside him..
Following morning, he gets up early and leaves me to spend with his kids. I am so angry with him.. I don't talk to him answer his calls. He doesn't come home until 8pm. Asks if I am okay? Wonders why I am giving him the silent treatment...

Goes in and asks my mom, shes like you are supposed to be with your wife but instead of her grieving over a loss of a child by herself you choose to be with your kids when she needs you the most. All he says to her, is we have an agreement that our kids come first. That agreement was made before we got married. I have already told him numerously that neither kids come first.

Now today, I woke up Crying and so much anger in my I tore him up in a text message. I know sounds terrible, but in a text I can describe my feelings without forgetting what I am feeling.

The only answer I get is you could of called me to come home Sunday and I would have? Why in the word do I have to call to get you to come home when WE lost a child, but you choose to be with your own kids?? I have never felt so much anger in my life until now. The only things he said is I'm sorry, forgive me. Thats not enough for me..

HE is a wonderful man. But I am so tired of being on the back burner when it comes to his kids. Because I don't put mine first. IF I did I wouldn't be living with him. I would have left and moved to be closer to my child until I won back custody.

I am angry, I am grieving, I am hurting inside and outside. The most person I needed couldn't be here for me.