About to Lose Child #2
DH has been struggling so much over the past six months or so with SS15 ignoring us, pretending we don't exist. It's become increasingly uncomfortable (and honestly, pointless) to have him in our home. He speaks to no one, interacts with no one, and is basically a ghost wandering around. He admitted to DH in so many words that he only keeps coming because he wants to stay in our school district.
We discussed this at length with our therapist last night. She and her husband went through something very similar with her younger SD when she was a teen. This girl also had a BPD BM (like SS15 does) and never did rejoin the family.
Dh already lost exSS10, and he's devastated at losing his other child. But, like he said to our therapist, he really already has. He lost those kids the moment they were conceived by a sociopath, honestly. BM had PASed exSS10 completely out of our lives, and has been working on SS15 for quite a while now.
Our therapist knows what we both went through in the past, before we met. She knows what we've been through since getting married. Our story is one she likes to tell (anonymously, of course) to other couples to give them hope. We know we deserve happiness, but we feel like it'll never happen as long as BM's influence is in our home. Our therapist doesn't advocate this often, but she says it may be time to let SS15 go. He's almost 16; he is who he is. We can't change BM's hold over him. He's terrified of losing her love and will do anything to make her happy. There's nothing more we can do. He's decided to check out of our family, so maybe he needs to be with BM full-time.
I cringe at the thought of paying her support. She never asked for it before because of her "pride." But who the hell knows what she'll do?
Out therapist suggested one of two things:
1. Having SS15 take a "break" from us, say, for two months. If, after that, he feels like being a real part of our family, making an effort, we can go back to two weeks on and two off, like we have now.
2. Reducing his time with us, to maybe one week per month or every other weekend.
Honestly, we both know that as soon as he stops coming 50% of the time, most likely he won't come at all. DH doesn't want that, but he knows he can't continue the way things are. He's ready to let him go.
We feel like we failed Blended Family 101. But we also know it's not our fault. With the BPD BM we're up against, we didn't stand a chance. She's so threatened by my mere existence she can't have her sons like me. We used to be close. ExSS10 and SS15 loved me. I loved them. I feel...well, pretty much nothing anymore.
The conversation with SS15, when we decide to have it, will be brief, since SS15 glazes over after a few sentences:
"SS15, we both love you and would love for you to be a part of our family. However, your behavior has made it clear that you don't want that. We think it would be best at this point if you (take a break from us/reduce custody time, whichever we decide to do). If you decide you want to start making an effort to be part of our family, we'll welcome you back."
DH's family thinks we're horrible for "letting exSS10 go," not that we really had a choice in the matter. Now they're really going to hate us (read: me). DH won't let me take the blame for this. I've done everything in my power to make this kid feel welcome, and then some. It's not my fault his mother's an insecure POS.
Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?
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No advice. You've done
No advice. You've done everything you can. Sometimes you can't win the fight. I am so glad that your DH is by your side and that you are together. I mean really together. I think a lot of us on here would be so happy to have the support of our DHs and it would make all the difference in our marriages.
Thoughts are with you and your DH.
Thank you. I really do feel
Thank you. I really do feel like there's simply nothing we can do anymore. And having the DH that I do makes all the difference in the world. I'd clone him if I could, ladies!
(((((Hugs)))))) sorry, I have
(((((Hugs)))))) sorry, I have no advice. I'm sure this is tough. I was just talking about this with my mother last night. Sometimes we as parents have to let go and hope they come back. This is just a sad decision for everyone involved.
No advice. Just I am so sorry
No advice. Just I am so sorry this is happening. BM has made sure her kids don't have a dad. So sad.
wishing you and DH the best.
And that's what it all comes
And that's what it all comes down to: BM needs to be the most important person in her kids's lives. It doesn't matter how much it hurts them, as long as she number one. It's so sick, and so very sad.
We're definitely leaving the
We're definitely leaving the door open to both of them, just in case some miracle occurs and their heads are extracted from BM's nether quarters. But we're not hoping too hard, and we're sure it will be many, many years, if not decades, before this occurs, if it does.
I think we need a break from SS more than he needs one from us, though! It's exhausting. He really doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us. He's just "doing his time" so he doesn't have to change schools.
Unfortunately, I know you
Unfortunately, I know you know where I'm coming from, tog. I'm sorry about your situation, too.
Miraculously, SS's mid term grade report was all As and BS, with one C. Don't know what happened there, but at least something's right in his world.
No offense taken. BM has
No offense taken. BM has already poisoned him, though. He already believes we've given up on him even though he's here half the time. Why? Because Mommy said so, and Mommy can't be wrong! If SS disagrees with anything she says, she'll treat him the same way he does us: she'll ignore him for weeks on end. She's done it before. DH doesn't plan to give up on him, just dial back his time here since SS15 has said he'd rather not be here but with his "real" family instead.
I had a girlfriend go to the
I had a girlfriend go to the wall trying to get me to "save" SD from her own bad behavior. I kept telling her I couldn't. She didn't understand until I invoked her own nephew. All that kid's life my friend was in knots about him and felt her sister's parenting was terrible and exacerbating the boy's problems. At one point, she and her husband offered to take him in -- of course, her sister was appalled and refused. Before he turned 21, the kid was in prison. Not jail, prison.
I finally said to friend, "If you could have saved your nephew, you would have." Her face dropped and she said, "OH! I finally get it. Not. Your. Kid."
"Yup," I said. "Not. My. Kid."
This step-parenting thing is an illusion. It looks like you are in a great place to influence a kid, especially a struggling one. In reality, you are the last one who can do so. It takes a whole lot of groundwork before you arrive for any kid to be ready to accept you and on top of that it takes both bio parents somehow agreeing to give you authority or take your advice. The odds on that are very, very long.
I hope you two can find a way to get through to your in-laws. Glad to hear your DH won't let them paint you as the bad guy. As for the boy, is it possible to wait until he is 16? I just keep thinking of a fifteen year old's brain as a bunch of unbaked bread dough. He may not even process the words you say to him as English. Past the age of 16 it seems to me he may have some chance of comprehending why you are presenting him with this choice.
Believe me, I have a 15 year old sd right now and it is very hard to live with her. But she has that bread-dough look to me, too. I agree with your counselor that past 16 they are basically baked, but 15 seems on the dark side of him being able to figure out he has a role or a choice in all this.
He's almost 16. We've tried
He's almost 16. We've tried everything we can to get through. I don't think a few months will make any difference. Because he doesn't want it. He's not receptive to anything we have to offer. Stepparenting really IS an illusion. I've done more for this kid than his own mother has even thought of doing. It's made no difference. None.
i got nothin' ghost. i'm so
i got nothin' ghost. i'm so sorry for you and your dh.
“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
I feel for your DH. It is
I feel for your DH. It is pretty much the same with us and the SS'. BPD BM had them so twisted that we had to let the SS' go back to BM for the good of SD and us.
It was hard on DSO but when the decision was up to him, he was able to accept it easier than me giving an ultimatum.
Wow, this post makes me worry
Wow, this post makes me worry for the future. my Ss is 6 now and I worry that this may be the road were looking down at this point. I'm sorry you're going thru this but it sounds like a good plan to at least try to make him see things from a different view. I hope everything turns out better than what you're probably expecting.
Sorry to hear but I agree
Sorry to hear but I agree with the therapist, if the kid doesn't want to be there, it's just causing all of you disfunction.
It's hard on your DH I know. We will be facing this real soon, DH's girls are SD11 and SD8. SD11 only shows up or talks to DH at holidays or gift receiving occassions. He's told me that by the time they are 16 he doesn't expect to ever see them again.
I think the best thing is to
I think the best thing is to let him go. Hard to do, trust me we did it with SD18 and DH damn near was in the most horrible depression. But, now she is off at college and he tried again several times and now she got mad at him again for telling her not to post about Pot and drinking on Twitter. Now hasn't texted him in two months now. He is done playing her games, it is up to her.
These kids are awful and it is the PAS that causes it. Shame is they would be better humans if they had their father's influence in their life and BM has robbed them of that.
Someday my hope is that SD comes back and is willing to be a better human in our lives. We can give her the guidance and structure, but as every day goes by that she is doing all the partying in college, it is more likely she will OD before that can happen.
Someday he will come back, but honestly the turmoil in the household with these kids is not worth it. Let them go and be happy where they are sure they will be. We did that and she is a damaged individual due to BM. Not our problem, we tried. Now it is up to her on whether she comes back into our lives.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies, empathy and advice. The past three years have just been one giant shit sandwich for us with these kids and their so-called mother. I just have to remember that it's truly not us. We've tried. God knows we've tried, but you can't win when dealing with a sociopath. All we can hope is that the kids get a clue once they're adults. These two boys are so damaged I don't think anything can help them now. We're here if they need us, but they don't. It's as simple as that.