Finally! I met my therapist today.
I finally had my first session with my therapist today after waiting two weeks. I spoke about how DH and I have different parenting styles when it comes to SD19 and SD13. It felt so good to have my feelings validated! As soon as I got into the "hedgehog issue" and the toxic trouble that is known as SD19, my therapist was like, "Oh, you need to LAUNCH this Skid. Pronto!" I told him I thought she was BPD. He asked how I would describe her and I said: disrespectful (even to DH), entitled, enabled, juvenile, a BITCH, and all the while she's got DH wrapped around her finger.
My therapist basically said that she needs to be told what is expected of her while she's in our home. That falls on DH who is a huge Disney Dad. The therapist said that we need to set expectations for SD19 when she is home on breaks, and if she doesn't follow through there needs to be consequences. I stated that there have never been consequences for SD19. She's never had her phone, car or laptop taken away while she's here. I told him how toxic and enabled she was, and that even I was always making excuses for her behavior and biting my tongue. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I had walked on eggshells long enough. He said DH and I need to be on the same page. The best part? It was when my therapist said that all I wanted was some common things to be done in the home, as a family unit. I told him it was so frustrating that these SDs have no boundaries. I told my therapist about all of my health issues and how I have always tried to do the right thing for this household. I also said that even if SD19 contributes to the household, things won't get better until she loses the attitude. SD19 is a primadonna, and she has always been a pain in the ass. A Jeckyl and Hyde pain in the ass.
I go for my next session on Saturday. I hope I can make it through the few weeks that SD19 is home, Memorial Day through 4th of July.
~ Moon
I think after a few sessions
I think after a few sessions I can invite DH on a Saturday. I think he might actually like the guy.
I wish I could afford to do
I wish I could afford to do what you're doing. Our insurance isn't of much use until the deductible is met. It's high.
I agree with your therapist. I've told DH all of that, but he won't upset his princess. On the rare occasion there are consequences, he spends all his time smiling at her, and trying to talk to her. She ignores him, and he gets all worried...it's disgusting at times.
What really drives me crazy is when DH says, "She's got to learn." Isn't that what parents are for, to teach children? She's so far behind in maturity, and responsibility, it's almost sad.
Sometimes I wonder when she hasn't learned anything in six years...is it laziness or is she just that immature and irresponsible? Either way, she's always going to have to rely on daddy to get by, because he isn't going to make her grow up, or learn to be responsible.
Hi Not!!! That's what I told
Hi Not!!! That's what I told my therapist.....that SD19 will ALWAYS be calling DH, even when she's 30! She's not used to being told "No." That is precisely why this entire Hedgehog thing has been such a pain in the ass. I told my therapist that I'm resentful and I don't need this toxic SD19 in my home with her hoity-toityness and her attitude. The only one who can possibly begin to help her is DH.
My therapist started speaking, as if he were DH speaking to SD19, and I chimed in with "No, I don't have to right now, I'll do it when I feel like it!" I was playing the role of SD19 being a snot bag, and I told my therapist that's what it's like on the few rare occasions that someone attempts to parent SD19! My therapist gave me a "goodness " look and said that she definitely needs to launch. As in now, out. I again told him that the problem is DH, and that he puts his princess first. Makes me sick to my stomach.
The therapist said he has some good explanations, lines if you will, that you can use when dealing with a toxic BPD who is spewing shit at you. He DID say that you have to suck it up and let it roll off of you, and he understands how incredibly difficult this is. Problem is, DH won't change, won't hold SD19 accountable, won't have any consequences.
Meanwhile, DH is OUT OF TOWN on business for the week, and SD13 hasn't come home. Chances are she's at an after school activity, and because DH parents oh so well, she didn't care to let me know by sending a text. Now THIS is something that should have consequences, too! If DH asks, I'll just say SD13 didn't come home from school. On the bus. Which is a half hour ride away.
Doesn't anyone give a shit about doing the right thing? BE RESPONSIBLE!!
~ Moon
Last week DH sent a text
Last week DH sent a text message to SD asking her when she would be home...she was in her room sleeping.
I have nothing to do with her coming and going, it's all up to DH. If he has to go out of town, he has to make arrangements for SD. I WILL NOT be responsible for her. If he doesn't think I know anything about parenting, I should not have to be the one taking care of her.
Not, I like that line, "If he
Not, I like that line, "If he thinks I don't know anything about parenting, then I shouldn't have to be taking care of her."
Little StinkBug13 just got off of the school bus. Let's see if she can manage to open the front door. Aw, look, you didn't even need a KEY because DH got the deadbolt with the number pad, where you punch in the code! What's that DH? I'm not supposed to lock the bottom lock on the doorknob? Because then the SDs won't be able to get in? Yeah....SD19 always left her key at school and would text SD13 to come open the door. SD13 would be too LAZY to get her key out of her backpack and would jump the fence and come in through the dog door. I have a good mind to lock the bottom lock very soon. If SD13 wants the bottom lock unlocked when she gets home then she'll have to remember to unlock it when she leaves in the morning.
SD19 can't even shut the door all the way. :jawdrop: Push harder big girl! No, put your cell phone AWAY and use both hands, CHECK the door to make sure it's shut. Yeah that was last summer and winter. Sorry, just venting at how stupid these skids are! I need to do another post about SDog, it'll be like story time!
~ Moon
I remember well how
I remember well how empowering and healing my time with the marriage counselor I found for XW and I was after XW walked out of the final session she attended when after 7mos we began to address the lack of sex and intimacy in our relationship. She stood up, angrily spouted "I don't have a problem with sex!" and stormed out never to return. Of course she did not have an issue with sex. She was accepting every available deposit she could stroke up from who the hell knows how many partners. While I was being far less randy because I was married. I kept seeing the therapist for 3 more months until in our last session she told me "You are fine, you have an amazing child like zest for life that I would never have guessed at when you first came to see me 10mos ago. Of course if you wish you can keep your weekly appointment but I may not be here for that hour. Keep in touch." Then she gave me a hug and off I went.
I hope your therapist is as helpful for you as mine was long, long, ago.