Tired of being second to my husbands ex. Input anybody?
My husband and his ex were "divorced" but still living together as a family when we met. I was not clear on the arrangement until a few weeks after we met and started dating. His excuse for this behavior was that he didn't want to leave the house as it would affect custody or his ownership in the house if he were the one to go first... BUT they were ALREADY DIVORCED. Papers signed. After a little pushing on my end, the house was sold and he moved out. Although he now says the arrangement was also "financial", both of them earned six figure incomes, and he could have afforded a few hundred dollars extra a month rent. It never made any sense, and still doesn't.
His first birthday we spent together his "ex" baked him a birthday cake. She bought him expensive golf clubs. While we were dating, if she said "jump" he'd ask "when", "where?" and "how high?" It wouldn't matter if we had plans or if we were in the middle of doing something.
We broke up early during our courtship as he felt it was too soon after his divorce and he didn't want to get serious with the first person he dated. When we broke up, he cried profusely... about her.
After about three months we ended up getting back together and eventually got married. For the first few years of our marriage she had no boundaries. Constantly calling, emailing, texting. She wanted them to be "good friends"
They chose an AU PAIR together, without input from me, to live in our house half the time.( at that time he had joint custody) Our first Thanksgiving dinner I sat across the table waiting while he talked to his ex in laws on the phone, ending the conversation with "I Love YOU too". His ex invited me to lunch to "get to know me" early in our marriage. This is where she began laying down the rules for our house and "THEIR KIDS".
It took six years of arguing to get all of these scenarios under control, and things did get better. My husband swears that he loves me, but when push comes to shove, he still puts me second. Although she divorced him, she has never remarried, and wants to desperately hang on to him and "their family". She kept the last name, refers to him as "Daddy" to the kids (teenagers) and uses every excuse to have "better communication" with him any door she can open, she will try to open. Again, one kid in middle school, one in high school. I'm so sick of it.
Last night his daughter was in a school play. My daughter said she wanted to go see her step sister in the play, but that she had tests the next day. I told her I would get her home early so she could study. I emailed my husband's ex to make sure she was bringing the kids to the play, and she responded that she would. Of course I assumed if she was going to take them to the play, she would also take them home, and my husband never told me anything different.
We live half an hour away from the school, in a different county and different town. We drove my car, even though it nearly has a flat tire (leak) and was close to empty gas.
The play was half over and was at intermission. The time was getting away and my daughter needed to study for her tests. I asked, "how much longer is the play, and the kids are getting a ride home with their mother, right?"
He replied, "no, they are not. I'm taking them home after the play." "She (his ex) wants to leave early, and I told her I would take them." Taking them home would effectively add at least another half an hour or more to the evening, and my daughter needed to study. So, I said, "why can't she take them, she lives around the corner..." (about 1.5 miles from the school), and he replied, "I'm not going to ask her, you can ask her if you want, but I already told her I would take them and I'm not going to ask her now to take them since I told her I would." He told me three times that I could ask her, but that he wouldn't. His reasoning behind him personally not asking her obviously had nothing to do with the kids preferences, it was about her, or he would not have been okay with not taking them as long as I asked. Why? He personally can't let her down, that's why, but it's no problem to let me down.
So, I said, "fine, then I'll drive my daughter home (one hour round trip on an almost flat tire) and I'll come back and pick you up. He said, "fine, but hurry because I don't want to be waiting here." It took me 1.5 hours round trip as I had to stop and get gas, and he did wait, and she ended up going to the school to pick the kids up anyway. This was a huge price for me to pay simply because he wouldn't ask her to give her own kids a ride home.
So, here's my question: Am I overreacting? My husband, who swears he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone, will not inconvenience his EXWIFE to stay a few more minutes at his daughter's play and take his kids home(to her house where they live), but he has no problem telling me to go ahead and drive 1.5 hours round trip on a flat tire just so he doesn't inconvenience her.
For all of those people who might say, "Talk to him about this".. I have. I have talked to him for six years about this kind of behavior. Yes, it has gotten better, but anytime he needs to make a quick decision without having days to think it through, he will always make his ex the priority. His visceral response is always to choose her, and I'm sick of it. I"m tired of talking. I don't want to talk anymore about the same issue that never ever ever gets full resolution.
Does anybody else out there have any other suggestions???
Thanks!
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Comments
I don't have any suggestions
I don't have any suggestions (that you would like) because I would not have gotten back with him after the first break up. Actually, the break up would have happened as soon as I found out he was still living with the ex.
Why have you put up with this for so long? You have shown him that it's okay to treat you like this.
Talking does no good, so what do YOU think you should do?
Actions speak louder than
Actions speak louder than words. I hear who is number one is loud and clear.... why don't you?
Oh, and if this has been going on through your courtship and marriage, it will not change now. You have trained him that you will accept this. In his heart of hearts, he thinks you are onboard with the ex being #1. After all, she was while you dated, was while you were engaged, was while you were getting married, and still is today.
My only advice? Get a good marriage counselor, and move out but go to therapy with him. Unfortunately for years you have trained him that you will accept this. He won't believe that you won't accept this until you show him.
Edited to add: Maybe also use some of that counseling time to explore why your self esteem is low enough to date a man who is still living with his ex, and continue the relationship and eventually MARRY HIM despite him continually putting the ex first. He does this because you allow it.
Ah.... sloppy seconds. A
Ah.... sloppy seconds. A place I REFUSED to be with DH. When we were dating he only acted about a quarter the fool as your DH, and I made it clear I wanted no part of playing second fiddle to an ex. DH HATES BM2, but because she is such a bitch and makes life hell if she doesn't get her way, DH would just try to appease her to "keep the peace". I'm cool, with keeping the peace, no baby mama drama... but NOT when it is disrespectful to me or places me in the sloppy seconds position.
the final straw was when we were supposed to play golf together one afternoon and DH (BF at the time) called to tell me that BM2 called and asked him to come pick her, her BOYFRIEND, his two kids and SS up because her car broke down about an hour away from us on their way to an amusement park. Dh was calling to tell me he was going to have to cancel our golfing to go pick them up. WTF? BM didn't have a brother, sister, mother, father, friend, that she could ask??? BMs boyfriend didn't have a brother, sister, mother, father, friend, that he could ask??? I was pissed and told DH that I saw how my future looked and I didn't like it. That I was always going to come second to his ExGF and that was not a place I was willing to be. When we hung up, he was still planning on going to get them. Then about 15 minutes later he called and said that he told BM he couldn't come... and guess what???? BM found someone else to get them!
I'm not sure why you married this man, when your relationship started out with this Ex-adoration crap. But hind sight is 50/50. At this point, I'm not really sure what you do. I guess you have two options. Deal with it or make it crystal clear to your DH that you are NOT going to deal with it and set clear boundaries, expectations and make him stick to them and make clear what the consequences will be if does not.
When I met my BF he was still
When I met my BF he was still living with his EX as well. A few months later he moved out and we began dating. About two years later we moved into a house together. It was pretty rough up to that point. If I could go back, I would have waited. Not a year later he was kicking me out saying that this would allow him and her to be friends. I guess I was the one stopping the friendship. Not the fact that she hates his guts. 10 months later I was back in the house.
He learned a good leason while we were broken up. She hates him. He used to say things like my family, talking about her and her kids that aren't his. He doesn't do that anymore and he isn't a doormat anymore. The break was the best thing that ever happened to us. I also learned from it. I am no longer upset when he has to speak to her on the phone or talk to her during a pick up (used to drive me mad). I just don't care anymore. That break made me realize that, as much as I love him, I'm fine without him. He's not so fine without me. He learned that.
Your situation is different because she doesn't hate him. Makes me wonder why they divoriced in the first place.
Maybe you need a break, or to take a break from his EX. I have never and will never be the contract for his EX. We don't talk. They aren't my kids, and she isn't my friend.
^^^THIS^^^
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I know this is besides the
I know this is besides the point, but if the kids lived 1.5 MILES from the play, why would you drive 1.5 HOURS? Why didn't you just stay the extra few minutes to drop them off?
I agree with the other poster who said you should seek counseling. I think for yourself first and then together. It definitely couldn't hurt at this point
It took 1/2 an hour to get my
It took 1/2 an hour to get my daughter home, but half an hour to get back, then the gas stop, coming in the house, etc.
The bottom line is, is would have cost about an extra 45 mins or hour if we waited for SD to get off stage, get her stuff, then drive them home. It was already after 8:00, and my daughter needed the extra hour to study.
I guess the real problem here is why my husband thinks it's was more important to appease his ex than to try to make his current happy. That's the real issue.
Nope. The real issue is why
Nope. The real issue is why you're showing your young daughter that allowing a man to treat her as a doormat is OK.
I don't understand at all why you allow your DH to be so disrespectful. And I REALLY don't understand why you're letting your daughter think it's ok for a guy to treat her like that.
^^^THIS^^^
^^^THIS^^^
honey, the only thing worse
honey, the only thing worse than staying 6 years with a man who is still in love with his ex is staying 6 years and 1 day. turn this user loose, forgive yourself and chalk it up to a learning lesson. IF this man loves you, he will come back, but do not resume this same relationship. the balance of power MUST shift, and marriage counseling can help. if he's doing it properly he will be pissing her off regularly and he won't think twice about it.
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you didn't ask BM yourself, since you have no problem communicating with her via email.
In the above situation you had a couple of options. You could have told your husband "Look, I promised my daughter I would get her home early so she could study. I'm leaving. You can come with us now, or stay here and try to find your own way home."
Or you could have talked to BM yourself, since DH wouldn't, and asked BM to take her kids home because you had to get your daughter home.
Like everyone else says, your DH treats you this way because you allow it.
for along time he would go
for along time he would go behind my back on stuff
this is what you have to be careful of and if you decide to put your foot down and give DH an ultimatum, you need to be prepared for this to happen. And given what you presented in your post, I'm guessing that IS what will happen. You'll put your foot down, and rather than stop being enmeshed with BM, your DH will just begin covert operations with her.
You need a hard coare come to
You need a hard coare come to Jesus talk with non negotiables and be willing to walk away if he does not want to change. And couples counseling. AND most importantly counseling for you on your own
I wouldn't talk to him...I
I wouldn't talk to him...I would pack his shit and send it to BM's. Demand that the next man makes you his first lady, above mamas, daughters, and definitely, EXES!
I dealt with DH always making
I dealt with DH always making decisions because of what BM said or because she needed help.
With DH standing there, I had a confrontation with BM while she had asked DH to do something in her back yard. Because we had argued before DH did anything and I wouldn't leave his side, she told DH to leave. A comment I said to her was that she had enough men coming and going in the house in addition to having a husband, she didn't need my husbands help. That was the end of her ever asking for help from DH. }:)
Some how over time, I got DH to repeat to BM "let me talk it over with HE5 and I'll get back to you" every time she asked for anything. She of course took it as I didn't want the skids around. Which was not what I was thinking. I was tired of her dictating my time with my DH and how my household ran. But she has not asked DH for anything since }:)
I would have told DH that you were leaving with your daughter and he could leave with you now or find a way back to the house. Then I would exit and get into the car, if he followed good, if not, oh well!
Dr. Phil always says "you teach people how to treat you" You need to teach him better.