Grandparents...
Ok. So a friend was telling me her parents buy for all kids but DHs parents buy for only their own. I see all sides of this.
But I think somehow it has to equal out. Fair isn't fair so it's not about that. But either all grandparents buy for their own or all buy for all. It's not ok to single out one kid. To show up at a house with 3 kids and only have presents for one. When everyone else shows up for all.
I don't believe it's ok to make grandparents buy for steps if they don't want to, but it's not ok to rub it in the other kids faces. Do it quietly or something like ok, time to open grandparent gifts and then each kid has one from their own GP. Something... And we are talking about good kids all under 9. Two are 6. There needs to be some balance ... And if one kid has no GPs that buy for them... Then they shouldn't be made away that the others do.
I get so mixed up about this. No, GPs shouldn't feel they have to buy for SKids but when all kids are full time and GPs are coming to the house with gifts.... There has to be a way so it is not right in the other kids face. Right?!?!?
I am of the view with SD and her kids if DH wants to buy Christmas presents it can't be just for SGd. There are 4 kids in that house. And they are ALL his ex-step daughters kids (well one is her step kid, but there full time)
Opinions?!?!
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Grandparents can do as they
Grandparents can do as they please. No one should be telling them who to buy presents for. Let go.
Oh I agree. I HATE
Oh I agree. I HATE fair!!!!!
I remember when I moved in with DH, SHD was throwing a fit because DD had something she didn't. She saw it as we were moving and wanted it. BS was 5 at the time. He responded with "well, my mom says you get what you get and you don't throw a fit and you don't get that"
I had to try very hard to not laugh
My MIL always says how she
My MIL always says how she loves all her grandbabies the same. Well..last year we get a Xmas card with ONLY the bio grandbabies in it from MIL. So, she feels very different obviously.
But I am fine with it. She did not pick a new wife for hubby or decide on divorce for her son and ex wife.
I say rock on grandma...do what you what to do.
Not a hill for me to die on.
Thing is, I agree and have
Thing is, I agree and have spoken to my kids about DHs family. Even though they have always included my kids. I made it clear to my kids to not expect it.
I agree life isn't fair. I tell my kids that all the time. BF does "fair". I do equal. Equal to their behavior, their ages and so on...
But when you have one set of GPs buying for everyone and one set buying 20 presents for only their GK... SM buying for her kids and skid and SF buying for his kid and skids... How would you handle it?? I've given her my advice. No, you can't make GPs do anything. But it's so far her DHs parents have nothing to do with her kids at all. Completly ignore them. I don't feel it's right to single one kid out to make them feel super special and let the other 2 watch.
I agree with the others.
I agree with the others. We're always on here saying that things won't always be fair for our skids, so I think that means we should accept that things won't always be fair for our own bios as well. Grandparents can do what they want when it comes to step-grand kids and it might not necessarily be fair.....and that's okay.
I will say this, whomever
I will say this, whomever raised kids to believe things will be or should be fair, did them a disservice. Life will never be fair. It just won't. We can want it to be but it will not. Having said that, a host makes everyone comfortable in their home and shows respect to all guests. If granny is throwing a party, she should make all the kids feel comfy and welcome just like one would an adult guest. That is just my opnion. If DH invites all his pals over, we make sure there is enough beer to go around, enough food etc, that is part of being hospitable.
If Granny is not the host but after the holidays simply does a drive by and leaves a gift for her grand, then what is the big deal? That is the grandma, of course granny will buy for her grandchild. It should be explained that way, and that simply.
But then, if Granny does not want to be Granny to the skids, then she doesnt have it both ways. She doesnt need cards or gifts from the skids on her days either. Skids do not need to acknowledge her for Mothers day or Grands days etc. If a bbq is thrown for a skid occasion there is no obligation to invite her. She doesnt have to be granny to all. But if she does not want to be then her place is with her grand and not the others. Just my two cents, flame away if you like.
I agree with your last
I agree with your last paragraph, Step Lady. It makes sense that it can go both ways.
There really needs to be a
There really needs to be a like button here!!!!!
Yep. I wish everyone including all parents. Understood relationships go two ways. If their precious refuses to acknowledge SM or SD then the same in return if fine.
Okay. So I shared the link to
Okay. So I shared the link to this with her. So she can get everyone's opinions.
But here is the flips side of this situation. BF is refusing to talk to his mom who has gotten grandson 27 presents so far. But wants girlfriend's parents to buy for his kid.
This is why she is so upset. Her ex-husbands parents were going to send a present for all the kids. His mom will only buy for her bio (and I told her that is ok) but when she told her BF that she told her ex-in laws to just stick with bios because that is how it is playing out boyfriend got mad. It's not fair your kids have their dad, us, his parents and your dad buying for them. My son only had my mom and us!!!! But boyfriends son will already being getting more then her kids because his grandma is spoiling the crap out of him and like I said just told them she has "only got him 27, so far"
So it isn't really my friend "D" with the issue. It's more her boyfriend who is now mad that she is going along with how his family handles it all and told her parents and ex-in laws that grandparents only need to worry about bios.
UGH!!!!! Seriously this stupid crap is why step families are so damn hard.
How can soooo many of these dads be sooo rediculous?!?!?! It's ok for my parents to only buy for my son, but your parents and ex-in laws need to buy for your kids and mine because his mom left and we need to make him feel special?!?!!!!
Okay, this really bugs me.
Okay, this really bugs me. Her boyfriend seriously has this double standard and doesn't see anything wrong with it? That's not cool. I can see why your friend is not okay with the situation.
Yep. He is HUGE with the
Yep. He is HUGE with the double standards. And that is why she is PIsSED. She doesn't belive the GPs have too, but she isn't going to let her kids always come last because of his special little snowflake
She did. BF is now all mad at
She did. BF is now all mad at her. Just pissed her off. It's all stupid b
It's such a blatant double
It's such a blatant double standard though. He doesn't see that?
I'm not surprised for some reason. All these dads think we SMs and our families should be so excited about spending time, effort and money on their perfect, precious little children.
I still don't think everything has to be fair all the time for all the kids in a household, but your friend's boyfriend is being ridiculous so I can see why this particular scenario is so frustrating.
Yep. It is a huge double
Yep. It is a huge double standard. It started about 6 months ago. They have been together 3 yrs. living together for 2 yrs. 6 months ago Bfs mom wanted to take her grandson to the movies. Ok, no problem. She picked him up, took him to the movies, shopping and out to dinner. Came home with a ton of toys and grandma and grandson sat in the living room with dad and GF while her kids were at the table. Grandma proceded to go on for about 30 mins with how much she bought her grandson and how much fun they had. Bugged "D" a little but whatever. Her kids go to stay with ex-in laws for a weekend about a month later. She has to listen all weekend to how it's not fair to BFs son. Why didn't he get to go??hmm because these people aren't family to anyone other then "D"s kids. So as time goes by Grandma offers to watch grandson on days with no school so "D" and BF can work. But starts refusing to take "D"s kids. This is new. But ok. Then grandma tells her son, "D" isn't family, her kids aren't family and her grandson is losing time with Grandma and Grandma doesn't want to have to spend time or attention on "D"s kids. Ok. Fair enough. Then it gets out of control. Thanksgiving comes around. BFs family gets together for Thanksgiving. Kids are flat out ignored by BFs family. Will not talk to them, do not answer direct questions nothing. "D" is starting to get pissed off. This whole time her family and ex-in laws are just carring on like BF and "D" are married with 3 kids. Treating them all the same. Christmas approaches BF tells "D" his family is only buying for his kid. When BF told her, they had already finished shopping. Kids got the same amount from "D" and BF. Her dad calls wanting to know what to get kids. She tells him what's going on, he replys with ok he will stick with her kids. Ex-In laws send money for "D" to buy for the kids. She calls them, tells them what's going on, they say buy for her kids only. BF flips out, he buys for her kids... She needs to spend that money on his kid too. Round and round they go. He ends up telling her, he will not talk to his mom she can do whatever she wants. But "D" better split that money on all the kids or he's not spending on her kids and will take back all there presents. It becomes a if you do, then so will I. As it stands her BFs kid has gotten the better end of the deal the last 6monthz. "d" treats him as her own, does everything for him. She better for him then dad is.
And BF is throwing a temper tantrum. It reminds me of Sweet Peas tag line.. By comprise they mean try my kid better and do more for my kid then your own. Or something like that. It's a mess and she doesn't get what's changed. But now, BFs mom is even ignoring her.
My mom has also gone
My mom has also gone overboard with gifts for my SD in the past and I've told her to cool it from time to time. SD and my husband now have these huge expectations when it comes to my mom and it bugs me. She's been so good to SD and they've taken it for granted instead of showing appreciation.
Last year at Christmas was
Last year at Christmas was the worst I've seen it. My mom brought this mountain of gifts for SD. She ripped through each one and tossed it aside to get to the next. When they were all open, she said, "That's it?" I was so embarrassed and my husband didn't even notice or see anything wrong with it. So this year I've told my mom to scale it back.
Good for your husband! That's
Good for your husband! That's great to hear.
I'm big on manners and showing appreciation when people do nice things for you too. My SD6 has become so entitled and just expects so much from everyone....and my husband and BM aren't teaching her anything different. It was like pulling teeth to get her to say "thank you" to my mom. Most kids know what to say when you prompt them with, "What do you say....?"
"BF is refusing to talk to
"BF is refusing to talk to his mom who has gotten grandson 27 presents so far"
I realize this isn't what the post was to be about, but :jawdrop: 27 presents 'so far'? And to think the Gma has another 11 shopping days left.
What the hell is wrong with a grandmother purchasing 27 presents for one child for Christmas? That's just crazy. That spoilt kid will be sitting there opening presents from just this one person for hours. I bet if I ask, you'd also tell me this grandmother also buys tons of stuff for this kid all year long too. No child needs this amount of gifts in one setting from anyone, even if some of the presents are toys and some are clothing...this lady is creating a give me give me give, it's all about me monster. If this child were mine, I'd ask my mother to please control herself and perhaps if she really wanted to 'spoil' my kid she could do so by opening a savings account in his name for college and perhaps take the kid out to lunch one day and assist him in picking out presents for truly needy children and also taking a box of canned goods down to the local food shelter.
So to the post itself. No, This grandparent doesn't have to buy for every kid, but she is doing this kid no favors by totally overindulging him. And for the record, I, myself would never invite a child (or any person for that matter) to my home on Christmas where presents were going to be passed out, and not have something for that child/person. It might not be equal to the money I spend on this or that other present person, but no child/person coming to my home as my guest would go gift-less.
And that last bit IS the
And that last bit IS the whole point - it doesn't have to equal - but it's just rude not to include all.
Ok, I have lived this
Ok, I have lived this one.
It's not about "all things being fair and equal"
about ALL kids getting the exact dollar amount from all people etc etc etc
It's about basic manners, courtesy, consideration, feelings.
First year we all lived together my mother bought the skids =$ value presents to my bd's. She had never even met them yet, sent all gifts down from interstate. Same for birthdays. My sister did the same. When both mother and SF and my sister and her family came to visit that first year they bought presents for ALL the kids. They did not walk into my house and shower MY kids, their bio relations with money and gifts with the skids sitting there feeling left out. They made sure the skids felt as included as the bios in the "family"
Cut to Ex-OH's family. Every time we have visited his sister she showers the skids with money and presents, EVERY DAMN TIME. PILES of gifts "OH SD I saw this at the shops and it made me think of you, so I bought it" At least 1-2 times a month we would go to her house and she would go through this huge display of making us ALL sit and watch what she had found to give the skids (she's 60 and her kids are all grown, skids are the youngest in the family by a long way so very spoilt) Now my kids didn't EXPECT anything, and it's not about being fair and equal and all that shit, but WHO in their right mind would have a family over for lunch and force two children under 10 to sit and watch two other children of very similar ages be showered with gifts money and attention time after time.
This year she came over with huge bags of birthday gifts for OH, and the skids. Not once in three fucking years has this rude woman asked when my birthday or my kids birthdays are so she can even send a freaking card (BTW - *I* send her, her husband and all their kids cards....)
And OH raves (and expects me to agree with him) about how fucking generous she is. No - she's rude and ill-mannered and fucking thoughtless if you ask me.
Already I have heard about the pile she has started putting away for the skids for Xmas (before we split) She's only bought SS a bloody electric guitar.... And there will be more.
Am just glad my kids will no longer have to sit through that.
Oh, and I also last year told my parents and sister to not buy for the skids anymore. OH didn't like it either but tough sh*t! I was hoping that perhaps a time or two of his kids having to sit through the painful experience of watching mine receive and he might understand my problem with it.
If his sister didn't want to buy for mine, fine no drama, but be a bit more considerate and discreet about it FFS. Ask OH to take the skids over without us so she can get her fill of spoiling them without being mean to mine.
Yep. We wouldn't do this crap
Yep. We wouldn't do this crap to complete strangers... So why is it ok with step-families. I personally told her his parents don't have to buy for your kids. BUT your kids should never be made to feel less then. They should never be forced to watched one get spoiled. It's RUDE and can be done away from the other kids.
I don't think everything in life needs to be equal or fair because life isn't equal and fair BUT bragging, rubbing it in other peoples faces.. That is wrong. Perfectly "equal" in a step family for SM to buy for her kids and DH to buy for his kids. If dad sucks, oh well. But I don't think any of the SMs on here would be cruel to a child and have their kid open 27 presents in front of skid when skid is done.
My parents are not kid
My parents are not kid people. They are coming around with my 2 year old, their only grandchild but they don't consider skids their grandkids. My skids don't consider them their grandparents either. My parents don't buy for my stepkids but they don't rub it in their face. They give my son gifts at a different time. My skids get gifts from dh's parents, bm's parents, who are divorced and apparently bm's fiance's whole family. They are not suffering. It bothers me a bit. I wish they considered them family but I can't force that on them. If they are with us for Christmas, my parents will get them a few gifts. If they aren't, they don't go out of their way.
Edit to add this dad is ridiculous. I would not be staying in this relationship. These kids are young and the double standards will never end!
It's not even about toning
It's not even about toning down - but perhaps showing some consideration for the other kids around and being discreet about it.
I get that some "family" just don't consider "steps" and second (or so-on) partners to be a part of it (the family) but don't rub it in their faces - show some manners and grace!
But when going t someone's
But when going t someone's house for the sole purpose of having dinner and exchanging gifts, why take the kids one knows is not going to receive any? No, no extended family should be expected to buy presents for the skids if they don't want to. But why take the skids over just to watch everyone else in attendance open presents? Let the skids stay home with the opposite parent and be happy playing and content their Christmas celebration is over.
Birthdays are different in that BD's are meant to be all about the birthday person. When having a gift exchange at someone's home for everyone BUT the skids? That in IMO is just cruel and rude and unnecessary. It's singling these kids out as the unwanted guest that just happened to crash your event and the 'host' managed to be generous enough to let the intruder eat a bit of turkey and a cookie while everyone else sits and glows over a pile of presents each. If their not included or wanted there to feel like family, than don't bring them over. I guess, IMO, if the parent knows there will be nothing gift wise for the skid but plenty of gifts for everyone else present, the least the parent can do if take over a few gifts the parent hasn't given the skids yet and let them open them at this event.
Even though my SD15 is a
Even though my SD15 is a spoiled rotten child, I still felt bad when my SM excluded her from the huge gift giving gathering. I however knew this would happen as I know my SM. So I on my own bought SD a few "extra" presents and put them under the tree so she wasn't "left out" and watching all my kids, cousins, nephews etc opening presents and her just sitting there. I am sure that is uncomfortable....My SM doesn't know her very well and is under no obligation to buy her gifts.
However, in this step crap situation I dont feel we need to purposely make kids feel more on the outside than they already do. So that was my remedy to not pressure the grandparents and not hurt anyone's feelings. A couple gifts "from Santa" can put a smile on SD's face and lessen the awkwardness for everyone.
IMO, of course.