New Here, Hello to All, ......
Hello Everyone, and Happy New year to everyone.
I am new here and I stumbled on this site about a week ago. I was in search of looking to vent my various problems that I have with my current Fiance, His ex wife, and His 3 children(or my soon to be step children)
I apologize if I don't know all the lingo , but I am a quick learner, and def in need of some advice, or thoughts, outside of my family telling me to leave my fiancé....I am a 40 year old Divorced women with a 9 year old bio son. Was married for for 10 years , and got div due to his cheating.
I met my fiancé 4 years ago, and started dating after my div. He too is div with 3 girls ages 9,15,&16.
Long story short, His children, are ALL his ex wife, and He has had multiple problems during and after his div with his ex-wife as well as the children.
The only child that still does visitation with him/us is the youngest. The other 2 only contact or answer his calls/messages when they need something. Otherwise they are bad mouthing their father, both publicly and privately. But that topic is a horse of a different color.
I guess what made me actually join this site and finally post today is several reasons.
I have always taken a back seat to my fiancé and his children.
I am good hard working women , who takes family very serious.
However over the last several months , or maybe more(because I am too blinded by my love to see)there has been major issues in my household.
I would like to first say my Fiance does NOT work. He has not worked in 9 months after getting laid off, prior to that, he worked 2 months and was out of work for a year, and prior to that same deal.
I have been carrying his weight, and expenses, as well as his child support and his kids needs, even though 2 out of 3 of them do nothing but talk bad about me, have disrespected me in my house, and so on(again, a whole nother story)
I have tried talking to him about this, but have gotten now where(about all these issues)
I have have some doubts lately about my Fiance( his parenting, his truthfulness,etc), which probably stems from my past marriage regarding trust issues. However, he has not been honest with me all these years about information about his kids, and his ex.....
I recently discovered information about his children that nearly blew my top off. As well as his obsession with his ex wife.
Its funny how a person can hate someone so much(at least to my face) and then reach fro them years after their div.
Today my problem stems more with my fiancé, and the issue with the kids(step kids) is usually my primary anguish......I would like to get some thoughts from everyone what they think of this....something that happened just the other night, that is not sitting with me very comfy...
My ex had some issues in a place the other evening and apparently he did something bad, yet he doesn't tell me the whole truth, nor does he alert me that their is a problem until he arrives home very very late. Not only does he do something that I really still cant wrap my head around, but he tells me 1 hour after he gets home about this issue, & (after several phone calls where he has walked out my front door)that he called his ex wife to check out and see if what "he has done" has stirred up any problems???????? Ummm wait one second, did he just say his ex wife? The one he hates, the one he says very bad things about on a daily basis? YES, he sure did.
Well it seems that my fiancé has a very good relationship with his ex(god bless him, but DONT dare lie to me all these years about that) I was very much unaware that he would ever call her under any circumstance. However he did, and boy when I got to the bottom of it all, it was BIG...and instead of concerning or caring that it will affect our lives( what he has done), he goes to her? Am I missing something here? Does this not look like a black and white issue? Am I about to marry a man who is exactly like my ex, and is secretive, and keeps secrets from me.
I was hoping someone can kind of talk me down off the ledge here, because I am not understanding where I took a back seat to my own life here, not only with this, but with how he has treated me with his kids, etc, which I will certinaly explain in another blog. This is just an extension of what has been going on in my household with his 3 children over the last years, as well as the ex wife. Who has made me produe more gray hairs than I would like to admit!
Thank you all so very much for everyones thoughts and god Bless!
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Comments
Dear ybarra357, Thank you so
Dear ybarra357,
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. I cant tell you how much I do appreciate this. I agree, and my gut is telling me he is still involved with her even after 5 years being div'd. I do understand they have 3 lovely children(using this term loosely, and sarcastic) with her, however, this "issue" that he has done, I still have not got the truth about, and he chose to go to her? I am quite confused, and quite angry, as these problems stem far deeper than this. However I was praying I was over thinking things. Turns out your own gut is usually correct.
It's amazing how we can find
It's amazing how we can find ourselves in situations that take years to develop that, if told before it happened, we would have said NO WAY would I ever do that! I'm in almost the exact situation so I'm in no position to give advice, but I really am glad you found this forum. For me, it has at least opened up a new way of looking at things. If nothing changes, nothing changes. So I will read the responses here and you have all the support you need from me! I completely empathize.
Dear gigiboo, Thank you so
Dear gigiboo,
Thank you so very much for your support. I wish you the best in the world , and I do hope your situation improves as well. I wish you the very very best and thank you again for the support, I cant begin to tell you how much it is needed. I am so very happy to have found this site. I am hoping I can get some great, non-family (they can be super one-sided) advice, and thoughts that are very much needed.
Best of wishes to you & thank you again!
I completely understand!
I completely understand! I've stopped talking to any family and friends because for one thing, they are tired of hearing it. Also, I KNOW what they are going to say and honestly, I KNOW they are right. It's not just about love, it's about commitment. Like, for better or for worse. I'm not married either but I've committed and I'm all in. But I still need to talk about it, when things are hard. If I keep beating him up verbally, it won't do either one of us any good. So, I'm hoping to form some friendships here and be able to vent. Long term, I realize things have to change. But I can't just leave and not look back. I'm too far in for that. I think learning how to set boundaries is my first step.
Dear Fortifiedwithwine, Thank
Dear Fortifiedwithwine,
Thank you so much for all your support.
I did however discuss this with him in the past. I have also tried this tactic. It turned into a very large argument, and a promise to pay me back, and a promise to get a job, you name it I heard the excuse.
I always feel so sorry for him, and even more so for his children, and god forgive me , but they don't deserve a dime out of my pocket after the torment I have been put threw wit his 3 children, the 2 oldest especially over the years.
I guess my self confidence, or self worth must be low(that's what my family tells me) , and I even started therapy to boost my self confidence, and sort through my thoughts about my situation with my fiancé, his children, and ex, however, It hasn't done me a bit of good. My fiancé is very very good at manipulation, I swear he has wrote the book on it, and every time he backs me into a corner I cower......I think I need to grow a set!
Thank you so so much for all your support, It means so much to me!!!
Dear MaryFreakingPoppins
Dear MaryFreakingPoppins ,
You are exactly right! I don't really know 100% what went on, but he did indeed reach for his ex for advice, help & consoling. It is just something I would not expect under any circumstance. So I am def Pissed with a capitol P, and that's being nice. After all I do for him and his 3 spoiled children. I swear I never ask for a metal of honor from him for all the bills I pay, both his, mine and ours combined. But I let him move in with me and took his 3 children in under my care, while most of the night, especially over the time he worked, I cared for them all, including my Bio-son, (who of course is my main concern first)
However, I do expect some respect from a person, especially the man I am about to marry to please keep me in the loop about the things that go on in his life. And when something so BIG happens that will affect our life together, I should have been the first one who was called. Not only was I not called or told about this for some time after his arrival home. But he changed his story so many time, he was actually confusing me and making it seem like how the hell am I getting mad at him, and how can I be so selfish about this , when the problem is in his lap????I don't think this man seems to get this. Its not the only issue, he broke my trust on so many levels, and I think you are correct, I am just a bank and I have been this from day 1 with my fiancé.
Its a very sad but true realization....I cant thank you enough for all your support, it means so much to me ....Thank you thank you thank you,
Dear
Dear Keepitsimplestupid,
Thank you so very much for your thought and advice...I need to hear the thruth, as much as it hurts. This is exactly how I need to hear it.....As far as I was told from my fiancé(which I don't even know how much of it is true anymore), They did separate years back first due to money issues. He had mentioned he could no longer pay his mortgage, his 4 car notes, etc, and they had a falling out. And yes, he was in and out of jobs he told me as well, and she NEVER ever worked. However, in the midst of that, he had also caught her having an internet(and possible physical affair) with an old boyfriend, and few others...so I am sure with that information, plus the money troubles it sent their marriage into a down ward spiral. Again, I still believe I only get half the truth from him now.
Its so strange how I didn't see this all from the start.
You are right, I am not married to this guy and pulling away and out might be my best and only option...Again this reaches so much further, but the biggest thing on my mind was his contact with his ex...I am just blown away at what he has done to breach my trust.
Thank you so very much for all your support, I cant thank you enough...
Dear Gogiboo, I agree with
Dear Gogiboo,
I agree with you, it seems that our situations are very similar. I too have family that is certainly tired of hearing it, and I actually don't want to be planting any more bad seeds about my fiancé, or his kids in my families heads. However I have noticed over time, that my fiancé is certainly trying to keep me away from my family as much as possible. This I have noticed over some time.
I really do wish you the best of luck, and look forward to speaking with you...Thank you again so much for all your support!
Thank you exhaustedsm, I
Thank you exhaustedsm,
I agree with you, and I should get a handle on things a bit here. My skids are being affected Unfortunately because of the turmoil that has been generated in my household due to BM, which is a different story that I was going to start on another blog topic. Unfortunately, I can no longer support or carry these kids, or BM's support anymore. I can barely get the essentials for me and my son, let alone for my fiancé and his kids.
But he has made me feel so guilty about this(one of our recent fights), and asking him to get a job. I mean for pete's sake take a job ANYWHERE to help support your 3 kids and household.
He has no interest in helping out or getting out of the bed to get a job these days, and keeps relying on me to pay his way and his ex wife's support. ...Its like all the support I get from my ex goes to his ex, and that's not fair or right in my book.
The children call on a daily basis, saying BM is drunk or they have no food, and I feel horrible for them(the BM has custody and he has visitation every weekend with his kids, however only the littlest one come to my home now over last few months)The mother has been dating and bringing in several random guys to the children's homes, and the kids have complained they have no supervision, etc, However when they are at my home (all 3 in the past), they have cause so many problems, from Peeing the beds, stealing my personal stuff,leaving dirty dishes every where, cursing at me when he was not home, Slamming doors in my face, making false accusations about me & my son, etc. Which just sent my house into disarray for years, because he believed all of his precious children, until it was too late.....Hence why the 2 oldest no longer come to my house....
I cant thank you again so very much for all your help and support! It means so much to me.....
Dear
Dear Keepitsimplestupic,
Thank you very much for your great advice,
Yes, a college fund has been started, I have been very diligent in making sure my son does not go without, however I am the one who really goes without in the long run. Overall, I have to agree, using my CS for my fiancés CS and kids just does not work for me any longer.
I have made a few anonymous calls to CPS in our local area. Each time this weasel of a BM comes up with something to send them into a stalemate, and they end up closing the case. I am 100% certain that she is doing things to harm these children, but If my fiancé doesn't help his own kids there is nothing further I can do, so now its in his hands.
I thank you so much for your support.
I certainly think that letting him take care of his and his own is best.
However, I know he cant do it. And I am no longer comfortable being with a man who chose to run to crazy BM for his problems. So I think it might be time to just walk away. I am thinking that might be best. This has become beyond dysfunctional at this point!
I was used for many years by
I was used for many years by my first husband and it took me a long time to see it. In fact I am still being used because I cosigned on debt. Look at this from an outsiders perspective... if a good friend told you this story what would you tell them to do? You need to get this parasite out of your life!
Dear Flying.Purple, Thank you
Dear Flying.Purple,
Thank you so much, you have certainly put this in perspective. You are right, if a friend or family member told me this story I would tell them to run. I just wish I could take my own advice. I am trying my best to let go. So much easier said than done of course. Thank you so very much for all your support! Lord knows I need to hear this all....
It's one thing to "help"
It's one thing to "help" financially and another to completely taking advantage of someone's good heart !
Your questioning this tells me you know your thoughts are valid ~ he is completely taking advantage of you.
My DF was out of work for a period of time as well I helped for awhile but then I read him the act. I realized him losing his job was a shot to his ego BUT he is an adult & needs to contribute to society for the household and more for his mental stability. sometimes we need to reinvent ourselves ~ it's the cards we are dealt ~ roll with it. Get off your ass !!!
He is taking your kindness for weakness. It's difficult to see it but it's clear. You are putting the effort in but he isn't. He needs to buck up n get a J O B !!!
His kids are HIS responsibility NOT yours.
The issue with going to her is mind boggling if it had nothing to do with the kids. You are his partner now NOT her. I'd be beyond pissed ~
Dear
Dear Easylikesundaymornin,
Thank you so very much for your support and kind words. I agree some time off from a job is acceptable, but months and months, and I swear it is pure laziness is taking me for grated. Some how I thin me writing this out has made me see a clearer picture of the entire situation, which in my head and heart is far worse than I thought.......
It is past mind blowing that he has reached to her(his ex wife). I don't really understand why at all. I just cant seem to wrap my hands around it. He tells me that he did it because he was desperate? What?? desperate to speak with her? The one he complains about daily, and says he's always out to get him. Why in the world( and given the history wit this BM, his ex) would he ever ever look to her for help. I am his SO, and no one else should have been contacted at all. Not only did he contact her, but he continued to speak with her when he kept walking out our front door at 1-2 in the morning. Now if there was not a thing to hide, why couldn't he speak to her in front of me. Granted I didn't know he was speaking to her at all, when he went outside to well after...which makes me more suspicious. This women would do ANYTHING and I mean anything to bury him for any reason what so ever. But now looking back at all the years history, I some how feel most of his stories to me were lies....And my trust in him is out the door 100%.....I just don't understand , and I don't think I ever will.....
Thank you so so much for all your great advice and support!!!!!
Journaling or putting
Journaling or putting thoughts into words is so helpful. I do it ohhhh so often.
I think your spidey senses are correct ~ always go with your gut. No need to second guess your thoughts. When your heart places a part that's when you second guess.
If I didn't know any better,
If I didn't know any better, I'd say you just wrote a very accurate and exact bio of my last 5 years. I didn't marry him as I knew doing so would mean marrying his bat shit crazy ex as well. What you've got here (and as keepitsimplestupid put it)is a man who is still emotionally bound to his ex. This is most certainly due to the guilt he feels from the failed marriage. No doubt he also parents out of guilt. We women can stomach a sexual affair (as horrible as it is) much better than an emotional affair. That man will always be bound to her emotionally and you will NEVER EVER change that. It's on you if you can tolerate that in your relationship or not. Personally, I could never stomach it...I'd rather catch him in bed with another woman than know he's investing his emotions into someone else. Rip off his Superman cape and tell him you're going to give it to someone who deserves the love and respect that comes with it. You're going to fight this battle for the rest of your relationship with him. Sorry for the harsh words...but I speak from first hand experience. Right down to the child support issue and disrespect from the skids.
Dear perfectsaralee, That
Dear perfectsaralee,
That almost brought me to tears, as I know exactly what you have stated is 100% the truth! You are right in every way possible. I don't know why or how I didn't see this from the very beginning.
He certainly is MORE emotionally attached to her then I was ever aware of, and ever willing to accept.
I agree with what you said, seeing him in bed with her would have been easier, i swear, and my words to him exactly the other night was "you might well as had sex with her, because what you did was on the same exact level in my head"...He told me I was crazy, absolutely crazy and irrational for thinking this way. He said and I quote, I might as well have had sex with her the way Im being crucified"...He does not see this my way at all. I have not spoke to him now in a day( and he has not reached out to speak with me either), and I don't plan to until I can get my head straight. He likes to emotionally blackmail me(as I like to say)...He has made me feel like this is all my fault, and I am selfish for not thinking of his needs first, and stop worrying about him contacting his ex...I cant understand his concept, nor will I accept this as an answer. He breached my trust , and I don't know how to move past this, not ever. Again this is just icing on the cake too, as we have had several issues in the past, but I think my days as a doormat are coming to an end......
I cant thank you enough for all your support, It means so much to me....
What his walk not his talk.
What his walk not his talk.
When I was married my hubby cheated on me ~ telling me things with the "hag" were over but he was emotionally attached to her. Went to a therapist ~ and what she said to me is like a billboard moment.
What his walk not his talk. His actions must match his words.
Bam ~ hello. So simple & so powerful.
Don't make someone your priority when they treat you like an option
Wow Easylikesundaymornin, Now
Wow Easylikesundaymornin,
Now that makes some perfect sense. I have to agree, Thank you so much for sharing this. I will take that and use that in my own head when thinking about all of this...Thank you so much...I am so very sorry to hear you had cheating issues as well. It can be so very hurtful. I wish you all the best in the world always! Thank you again so much for all your support.
keepitsimplestupid, AH very
keepitsimplestupid,
AH very good question,
He tells me he's in bed for most of the day, almost until 3 pm. Sometimes when I arrive home from work he is still in bed or on the couch. Now it wasn't always like this, but it is getting worse over time.
I really don't have a clear cut answer as to where he could be honestly. I mean I am not home, and he could very well leave and go out for all I know. What the better question would be is where and who he might be seeing after he goes out to the gym in the evening. This has been a constant wonder of mine, especially lately. He has a tendency to sleep all day and go to workout at the gym in the evening.
I just don't know anymore. Between his kids, and now this new stuff with him I seriously need to start thinking about an exit plan.I didn't even sleep in our bedroom last night. I am very hurt by what he has done. And he hasn't tried to reach out and apologize at all.
While I completely believe in
While I completely believe in "helping" your partner during difficult times, what your fiancé is doing is simply taking advantage of you.
The worst part, is that you know it but are feeling too invested to just walk out. If you don't walk out and you make the HUGE mistake of marrying this parasite, you will live to regret it. You will also be teaching your son, that it is OK to be a leach and to suck women dry for everything they have. Very, very bad examples you are setting here.
Cut this bastard loose. He will take you down with him.
Dear Unfreakingreal, Thank
Dear Unfreakingreal,
Thank you so much. I have to say , it is looking more and more like he is taking advantage of me for sure, and with his newest "stunt" and contacting his ex I have to say it is time. I just need to fester up this courage.
It is true, I have invested so much heart, love time, not to mention money into this relationship. I am just sick to my stomach over this. I even had to take the day off of work to pull myself together, something I would never do. I normally work even when I am sick... But emotionally I just could not bear to work when my head is in a fog, and my job requires my full attention. He has my head, heart and stomach in knots. I truly feel like I am reliving my failed marriage ,and more so..... Thank you again for all your support,
idkwhattodonow - I can
idkwhattodonow - I can understand the mindset of throwing away all your efforts, love, time, and MONEY. But, think about your SON. What would you do if your little boy came to you and said "Mom, why are you letting (insert name here) take advantage of you? Why doesn't he work? Why does he hurt you? and WHY DO YOU LET HIM DO IT?"
What will you say to him?
He should be your driving force. Sometimes, when we don't have the strength to do something for ourselves, we DEFINITELY have the strength do it for our children.
So use your son as the force that guides you. Your love for HIM, I can guarantee you, is GREATER than any love you may think you feel for a fucking man.
Get out, get out NOW.
My Dear...I so want to sit
My Dear...I so want to sit down with you, a tall bottle of white zin and show you the real damage that is being done to ALL parties involved. You love this man? And his children? Then something needs to change and you seem to be the one stopping progress on this. Sorry idkwhattodonow...but I've learned to use the backbone God gave me and not just let someone rip it outta me piece by piece. You're wreaking the single most important thing that your family needs...YOU! Think of your son if no one else. You're setting a very bad example for him. How long must you subject him to this?
The light bulb went off when my BD 5, said, "Mommy, if a man made me cry like "insert Fiance name here" is making you cry, then I'd ask him to leave. Why do you let him treat you like that and make you cry so much and so hard? You told me to never allow anyone to repeatably force tears of sadness from me...why Mommy, why do you let him do that to you?" Oh my...she called my ass out onto the carpet!!! She's 5!!!!!!! Your son could very well call you out too...and just an FYI...the pain your Fiance is causing you right now won't come close to that of what your own flesh and blood will inflict on you when you're called out on your own behavior you're preaching to NOT have happen to them.
Dear Unfreakingreal and
Dear Unfreakingreal and perfectsaralee,
I have to agree with you both. I do need to grow a spin and think only of my son. I think we have all (me & my son) have done enough and have gone threw enough of this at this point. Not only with this recent event, but with the past.
I have to say I am just NOT happy anymore either. I am feeling resentful twards him and my skids. Have been for a long time. But since he contacted his ex-wife that has grown tremendously.
I think starting an escape plan is in order. As much as I do love him, I DO love my son far more than ANY one in this world. My son is my heart and soul and to think I would be hurting him in this way just destroys me. MY son deserves a home that is HAPPY, and less dramatic, especially over the last year. I mean it has been better since the 2 oldest skids have not been to the house at all. But still sometimes that is just enough.
I just feel so bad saying to my fiancé GET Out! What I would love to say is "get your lazy ASS UP, pack YOUR shit and Get the FUCK out"...But then I think I would just stand there and cry.
I think going our separate ways is best at this point. I am not even sure I want to have any part of my Skids or BM or even the youngest skid whom I have been able to bond with that doesn't seem AS damaged. I just don't know how to approach him with this? Any thoughts or suggestions? I know he has NO job, and no where to go, So how do I walk softly and ask him to leave. Because frankly, I don't even want him near me since this last incident. I lost ALL my trust in him.
You sound taxed and
You sound taxed and rightfully so. I've learned that men respond to consequences very well. I'd like to send you a private message if that's ok?
Dear perfectsaralee , Yes,
Dear perfectsaralee ,
Yes, thank you that would be great. I am taxed more than I can express. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you so much for all your support!!!
I'm with you...please check
I'm with you...please check your "messages" on this site. Once you accept my friend request, I'd be more than happy to share more information with you. Hang in there...this too shall pass.
Request Accepted. Thanks so
Request Accepted. Thanks so much perfectsaralee! :):)
It is always wonderful to speak with you!
Dear Echo, Thank you so much
Dear Echo,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. You are correct, I would not re marry my ex husband, and by marrying this man, I just think I might be repeating many of the same situations, plus more. Thank you so much. I enjoy reading your advice on your posts!