Thanks DW. That's the last time I open up to you about work.
I had a bad day at work yesterday. I got into a tiff with one of the managers here. Nothing major; very typical. “Hey Drac0! I know you were off for three weeks over the Christmas break but how come this work that was assigned to you not done!?!?”. It put a damper on my mood but in my line of business, you have to have the same work ethic as Captain Malcolm Reynolds sometimes. In other words, I don’t care what insults you hurl at me. I do a job. I get paid. End of story.
Not the first time it has happened and I know it won't be the last.
That being said, at the end of the day, while I was cooking and drinking a beer with DW, I told her what had happened. I like these moments with her because the kids are out of our hair (kids are not allowed in the kitchen while Dad is cooking) and it gives me a chance to unwind a little.
Later, I notice SS bouncing in and out of his room when he is supposed to be studying. So I challenge him. I ask him what is he doing. He says he is working on an essay that is due tomorrow.
“Oh really? It’s due tomorrow? And how long have you known about this essay?”
SS suddenly becomes quite mute. I do some digging and find out it is an essay that was assigned a month ago. This means that it is major assignement; worth a lot of marks.
“You knew about this all month and you are only starting on this NOW!? No wonder you are failing!”
DW intervenes and says “Hey! Just because you had a bad day at work doesn’t mean you have the right to take it out on SS!”
I stare at DW in disbelief. Not only was that uncalled for, but totally insulting.
A) DW bitches to me about her work ALL. THE. TIME. Not once have I complained about it nor have I ever thrown it back in her face. I always lend her a kind ear and have never used it against her.
Whenever I make an observation about SS’s lack of effort in school, I have ALWAYS been right.
So I was a bit shocked that DW would defend her precious tall-boy like that. She was successful though, and I backed off. I didn’t say a word to either of them for the rest of the evening. Oh but my salvo must have made SS scared because now wants DW to “help” him (Read “write the essay for me”)
DW spent much of the evening in his room "helping him". SS worked until way past his bedtime and was no where near finished.
This morning, SS wakes up and says “I don’t feel good.” – so guess who is getting a day off and avoiding a deadline?
I don’t know who I should be angry with more. Suffice to say I am never going to confide in DW about the perils I have at work any more.
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Comments
WHOA!!! I completely
WHOA!!! I completely disagree! How is it "unloading" on the kid to ask them how long they had to complete the huge assignment they have just now started?
The two issues have nothing to do with one another.
So sorry to read this. The
So sorry to read this. The one thing I am sure of at home is that DH is there to vent to and vice versa. We allow the first half hour at home standing in the kitchen and just unloading! Most days there isn't anything to vent about but we both know that once that time is over it's all about us and lets us get a good nights sleep.
Have you tried talking to her about this?
oh those moments unwinding
oh those moments unwinding together are fantastic
sorry the moment got trashed. damn i hate that she's so freaking defensive of the tall wonder.
and yeah, like crazytrain said - did you just plumb give up on your sun tzu stuff?
I never thought of using Art
I never thought of using Art of War on my spouse.
I never thought for a second that DW would throw my bad day right back in my face in defence of her son.
drac, i actually meant for
drac, i actually meant for tall boy.
calling him out (which yes, he deserved) only makes your dw defensive and her claws come out. and it has not motivated him for change in the least bit. u're handling him the same way and expecting different results. yup, you are in fact insane }:) (just kidding in how i said that!)
try it on him, not her. maybe her reactions may change for the better.
>Let him fail, it's too
>Let him fail, it's too late.<
I told DW that when SS drops out of HS (either because of failure or because he decides studying is not for him), then the day SS becomes an adult I am serving him an eviction notice. I will not support an adult in my house who is doing nothing. DW said if I kick SS out, she is leaving too. So I am doing my best to push him to succeed in school now. It's better I at least try now, and then kick him out because he failed, rather than do nothing and then kick him out.
At least I can say "Well I tried"
I'm in total agreement with
I'm in total agreement with Rutherford here. There's bigger issues at stake.
I can't believe she said that
I can't believe she said that first off, secondly even if you push him to succeed in school that's no guarentee that he'll succeed as a man, especially when he knows mommy will always take care of him. I fear this is my future as well with DH's kids.
Wow, she's sorely wrong if
Wow, she's sorely wrong if she thinks this approach is good. See, failure to launch kids DON"T HAVE A GOOD OR MEANINGFUL LIFE. So she's going to flush her marriage to coddle a man boy? As most of you know, SS36 is biologically my nephew, DH and I have been married and a nuclear family for 31 years . No way, NO WAY would a grown adult be lounging around my house. I love my kids more than life itself- that's why I've always taught independence and expected their best. And now I have a lawyer, a planner (in grad school) and a budding writer. Oh and I never, EVER helped them with homework. Don't get it? leave it blank and ask the teacher in the morning. Didn't do your project until the last minute? I'll brew you some coffee- good luck! Sorry Drac0- your DW needs a reality check.
If she really believed you
If she really believed you were taking your day out on SS it should have brought to you in a question away from the kid. Like "Hey are you sure you're really upset with SS or is your bad day at work why you're upset.
Let you think about it for a little bit and there's your answer.
Although it's plain to see that him putting off this essay for that long would do the trick, or maybe it was one of those straw that broke the camels back type of things. If it were my son I would have been on his ass too and you're wife will regret not listening to you once her tallboy comes home with a failing grade.
Deep breaths...and when you see his grades just say huh...look at that, I bet he'll be passing everything tomorrow. The teacher just probably put off entering the grades till tonight.
Sorry this happened to you.I
Sorry this happened to you.I think rather than not ever telling your DW about work it might be wiser to just not get involved with SS schooling.If he doesn't do his assignments then he & DW can face the music together.Your DW comment would have happened regardless it's just the fact that you offloaded earlier about work that it was used as a convenient scapegoat.If you hadn't mentioned work earlier but had dared to question why her darling precious wasn't doing his assignment until last minute I guarantee you she would have still been pissed with you for saying anything and would have still thrown you under the bus for it.So moral of the story carry on sharing with DW about work but let her handle SS don't even comment on it.If she as a grown woman wants to stay up all hours doing her son's homework and thinks that is acceptable then let her.
Don't you love the spouse
Don't you love the spouse that cuts you off at the knees when you have the nerve to expect common sense from their child?
I long gave up on trying to get SD16 to work on her homework when she was at our house. DH tasked me with helping her with schoolwork (because I work in a school???) and when I wouldn't give her the answers on an assignment she got frustrated and ran to daaaaddddyyyy and said I was not helping her. Of course he immediately sided with her without talking to me first and I am the evil stepmonster who refuses to help. Of course he comes to to me after she's gone back to BM's and asks what happened. I told him she didn't want help, she wanted me to do it for her. He apologizes to me, but I always find it interesting that it's never in front of her.
Jesus... sometimes I think
Jesus... sometimes I think that when some people become bio-parents, some weird switch goes on and never goes off again. You were absolutely right and I cannot understand why wife felt she had to protect her cub!
Two things. First, I totally
Two things. First, I totally agree that DW was WAY out of line saying that in front of SS. If she had an issue, she needs to address it with you in private.
I will offer an alternative viewpoint though, just to play devil's advocate. We can't infer tone from text, obviously, so this might not apply. But I know when my DH has had a bad day at work, his tone when correcting our BS5 is VASTLY different than when he's had a good day at work. He'll say something like, "Pick up all these cars!" Which is fine as far as it goes. He is, in essence, correct. The cars need to be picked up and since BS5 made the mess, he cleans it up. But you can say it sternly, or you can say it like you're pissed the fuck off and getting scary angry. Guess which tone he uses on a bad day? *sigh* I DO approach him privately later and say, "What's up? That seemed a little... extreme." He'll tell me he had a bad day at work and he's angry at his boss, and I remind him that's hardly BS5's fault, and he usually apologizes.
Maybe (now that everyone is calm) ask your wife WHY she thought you were "taking it out" on SS? Ask her if she thinks it's unreasonable to be angry that he procrastinated this long. Ask her why she's NOT angry. Better to at least try to open that dialog, rather than shutting down.
Ally - It's funny you put it
Ally - It's funny you put it this way because I have this issue with H.
He has a loud voice (he should have been a stage actor with the way he can project his voice). Even his whispers carry across the room.
When he is frustrated, angry or upset, it completely changes the tone of his voice to yelling. Even if he's not upset with me, his emotions come out in his voice and it sounds like he's yelling at me. To the point where I've told him "H....stop yelling at me please." Which usually leads to an argument that he's not yelling at me or he didn't mean to yell or some such thing.
I've brought this up in counseling, basically because I was tired of him yelling and then denying the tone of his voice. Even if it's not directed at me, I'm still on the receiving end of his emotional outburst. We're still working on this point.
That being said, I think Draco's W is a manipulative twat. If it's not tears, then it's threats with her. All the time. It's where his SS learned to manipulate. And if he thinks she's not going to pull this shit as their bios get older, then he's very wrong. She will also teach them how to manipulate via tears and threats as well.
I say, the next time she threatens to leave him because of SS, then Draco should go pack a bag for each of them and shove them out the front door.
Oh yeah.....the good old
Oh yeah.....the good old silent treatment. My mother pulls that shit and it annoys me to no end.
If I'm so angry that I can't talk, I tell H (or whomever) I'm too angry to discuss this right now. Please let me calm down and we can discuss it later. The silent treatment is just so wrong.
Yeah....I'm beginning to wonder if DK wasn't doing handsprings when their marriage ended. Grateful not to have to share a bed with a master manipulator any longer.
I forgot about that email
I forgot about that email incident! You're right, DW is pretty good at manipulation. It could totally be that this was her way of manipulating Drac0 into leaving Tall Boy alone. *sigh* I still think he should ASK her - put her on the spot even - before shutting her out and just deciding not to confide in her again.
My guess. This isn't the
My guess. This isn't the first time she's done this to him. It was probably just the last straw for him.
This is also the same man who debated whether or not to tell his W he was getting a bonus.
There are a lot of secrets and manipulation and communication issues in this marriage. I honestly don't see it lasting much longer.
I'm not sure how to go about
I'm not sure how to go about it myself, but I think the best thing might be for you to confront DW a LOT. Not aggressive, just address the stuff going on that you don't like, that affects you or your kids.
I'm guessing you shut up and (basically) pouted after her comment to SS. As many would. But that's how you play DW's game... not how you end the game.
Next time, respond with, "DW, that wasn't nice. I don't like you talking about me that way."
Rinse and repeat.