College Money and a Lie
BM got the skids savings accounts and college funds in the divorce. Over the years BM has told DH that she was contributing to it.
When I met DH he would give the skids birthday and Christmas money (from his family) to BM to put in the college funds. After I found out that BM didn't have to share the balance of the college funds with DH, I made him stop contributing to the accounts.
DH and I opened separate savings accounts and college funds for each Skid with DH as the custodian. We also made sure to share this information with our family. After we got married DH added me as custodian to the accounts as well.
So over the last 10 years we've been contributing monthly to the skids college funds plus adding Birthday and Christmas money from our family. We've done this even though DH has been paying 25% of his income in CS. We know what we have saved will not cover much of tuition but we thought it could help out with books and room and board.
Anyway SS17 is a senior in HS and BM has had him apply to all expensive private colleges - the lowest tuition costing 43K a year. DH asked BM how much is in SS17’s college fund. BM said, “I haven’t contributed anything since we split.” DH has been seething with anger since he found out.
DH is so angry that he told SS17 that he’s pissed at BM for not saving money for him for college. DH told SS17 it makes him sick thinking that BM, who is a professional and makes good money, couldn’t spare even $100 in CS to put in their college funds. I wish he wouldn't have put SS17 in the middle. DH has a temper and I’m sure SS17 didn't know what to do.
IMHO I don’t think SS17 is ready for college. His grades aren't consistent. DH and I helped SS17 get into a trade program for his senior year. SS17 goes to tech. college in the morning and HS in the afternoon. SS17 loves the trade he’s learning and has been offered full-time employment. SS17 is excited. SS17 will be half way to an associate’s degree when he graduates in June.
BM is pushing hard for him to go to college. While DH and I aren't opposed to it, we want SS17 to be committed to getting an education when he goes. We fear if he goes to a 4-year college he’s going to flunk out and be strapped with debt. BM keeps telling SS17 with grant and aid it won’t be so bad and that he’ll be able to pay the loans off quick after graduation because the career he wants to get into is high paying. :?
We have been talking to SS17 about finishing the trade degree and then working full-time and going to college part-time. Living at home (with us) and paying for as much of college as he can without taking out loans. But with BM whispering in his ear all the time I just don’t see this happening.
Thanks for hanging in there and reading this - I just needed to get this out – it’s been bothering me for days.
~BettyRay
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Comments
1. DH doesn't know for sure
1. DH doesn't know for sure about the college funds. We do know about her dipping into their savings accounts because the skids have told us over the years of "loaning" money to BM.
2. DH rarely says anything negative about BM in front of the Skids so I'm sure this was a total shock to SS17, but you're right, everyone has their moments. I don't know if BM has ever said anything to the skids about DH not contributing to their college funds (that she controls). DH sat SS17 down and showed him the account balance for his college fund and SS17 was surprised and grateful. SS17 even thanked me too.
~BettyRay
This is my way of thinking as
This is my way of thinking as well.
DH and I have been gathering information for SS17 on the community college, technical college and the 2-year university campus near us. All have great transfer programs. The community college even has a transfer program in the career track SS17 is interested in where all the credits transfer to one of the expensive colleges BM is pushing. It would be a huge savings.
~BettyRay
You all need to find out if
You all need to find out if BM was dipping in it. I do not understand why people lie. That cat is out of the bag. Sounds like a great plan who all have advised SS17 to do. What kind of trade is he in?
I don't think DH will pursue
I don't think DH will pursue finding out if BM dipped into the college funds. I've tried to get him to consider it but he won't.
SS17 is learning welding.
Thanks. I think a career in
Thanks. I think a career in welding would be great for SS17. If he takes this job he would be working 36 hours a week and getting paid for 40 - how cool is that? He would also be able to go to college too since he'd be working 3 days a week. I just think it's a great opportunity.
That's a fantastic program.
That's a fantastic program. There's a lot of money to be made in welding. I think your plan is best. Plus going out into the work force will show him what he needs to know about being a labor-er vs a white collar which both are a good way to make money but it will help him make plans.
Blue Collar vs. White Collar
Blue Collar vs. White Collar - It would be good for SS17 to experience this I totally agree.
Plus I think if he chooses to work and pay for school he will appreciate it more.
~BettyRay
I don't know why some BMs are
I don't know why some BMs are forever trying to persuade their children to do something that they are not ready for or that is not in their best interest.
I think that you and your DH should continue to talk to him and lay out the plan you described, and the pros and cons of both, so that he sees it makes much more sense and that it's best for him. Especially since he loves the trade that he is learning and will have a job. It never hurts to have something to fall back on, even if he does go to college. And those loans! Who wants to be saddled with those?
Hopefully, he will make the right decision. My SD sure didn't but she is not too bright.
I think learning a trade is a
I think learning a trade is a great thing.
DH and I have been comparing to schools with SS17, including tution.
How does a kid that age even understand what $172K in debt is? We've been trying to get him to think about the debt factor.
~BettyRay
Have you also reviewed
Have you also reviewed interest rates with him and what the actual payments will be, how long it will take to pay off AND what the total paid will be?
Perhaps, if you are able, make an appointment with a financial planner for SS. Will bm be able to convince him a financial planner is wrong? (I hope not!) It is 100% worth the cost of that appointment and SS would benefit so much!
Eta: crap....I just realized this is a zombie post.
*lol* I have the opposite
(For the record, OSD and MSD ARE both in college and doing all right. Not stellar, but certainly not flunking out as BM predicted! BM keeps trying to get them to drop out. Pisses me off.)
That's the same problem, she
That's the same problem, she is convincing them to do something that is not in their best interest.
My SD23 is completely dependent on others, thanks to BM.
Same
I'm convinced that's what BM is doing in our situation as well. Crippling these kids so they'll always need her. It's frightening.
No she doesn't get CS for
No she doesn't get CS for SS17 if he's in college full time. CS for SS17 will end when he graduates HS.
~BettyRay
Oh yes, I think BM is trying
Oh yes, I think BM is trying to get rid of SS17 by having him go away to school. She's engaged and getting married this year. I'm sure getting rid of SS17 is part of her plan. I think this is how she "sold" the situation to her fiancé.
~BettyRay
I didn't agree with this as
I didn't agree with this as well which is why DH opened his own accounts for the skids.
I remember when DH questioned me about why he should open separate accounts I told him he was stupid to think that BM wasn't pocketing the money, especially if she wasn't accountable to him or the judge or anyone.
~BettyRay
Just curious, if you had to
Just curious, if you had to do it again, would you do the stay at home thing and forgo a career?
If your SS loves the trade
If your SS loves the trade and has a firm job offer, start encouraging him to TAKE THE JOB and finish his associate's degree part time while he works. He can then decide if he wants to go on to finish a four year degree.
I have to be honest, a four year degree (or grad degrees for that matter) no longer guarantee a good salary. I know plenty of people who never went to college making more money at trades than people with advanced degrees and white collar jobs.
We have been encouraging him
We have been encouraging him to take the job, finish the degree and then decide if he wants to do the 4-year thing. SS17 hasn't decided yet - I'm crossing my fingers.
~BettyRay
DH planted the seed about
DH planted the seed about asking her about his college fund - we'll have to wait and see what happens.
~BettyRay
The Girhippo completely
The Girhippo completely drained all three college funds before they were even divorced! Good thing all three skids are as dense as Jupiter's atmosphere. Not that this will stop the Girhippo from slamming Pumpkinhead into community college when she fears the CS will run out just before he turns 21. . .
DD just graduated college and...
Has no idea what to do with her degree. She better get it together fast because she has huge student loans to pay back. I would have loved for her to go to a trade school and have no debt or much less and start out making probably the same or better than what she will with the degree. SS dropped out with one semester to go. He says he will finish his degree but right now can't take the stress. He is paying back student loans while working in a call center.
You’re right
College is so expensive, and there are a lot of studies that suggest a trade school is the better option for the money. Look up some of Mike Rowe's stuff on the subject.
Also, I always tell kids to make the most of community college. When they graduate, the school listed on their degree is just the last one they went to. That piece of paper will be a lot cheaper if they earn half of it at the community college level.
As for contributing, we have a similar situation. The three Skids are adopted and they're Native, so DH and BM receive money for their support each month. DH is a good provider and good with money, so he felt they didn't need that money to actually support the Skids. He wanted to put all that into savings accounts for the Skids to have as startup money when they're grown, but the ex had other ideas. Her skimming from those accounts was part of the demise of their marriage.
Since the divorce, what they receive they split 50/50. As far as we know, her half is part of what funds her household, which is ok, because supporting them is what it's for. DH's half, he puts into accounts for the Skids to have later, for college or to put down on a house or whatever. But since SS17 has been out of the house, DH has been putting into SS17's account out of pocket, since BM gets 100% of the money for him, and spends it all. I'm not crazy about this, largely because I believe SS17's startup fund will go towards his criminal defense and, if there's anything leftover, into his prison commissary account. But DH is trying to be fair. *sigh* Why can't he just be a jerk like everyone else?