Wow. Although I think that doing that to anyone is pretty effe'd up, it seems obvious that you're DH has had it up to "here" with that flat line, "FU Very much DH" attitude you've laid on him.

I'm on the other side of the coin.. I have no children and he has 2. If my SO EVER spoke to me the way you speak to your DH, I would have been so very long gone. You love your children because they are your children. Maybe they're perfect angels, maybe they're not. To give your DH Zero rights to whatever your "little one's" do or say to him, then I'd say, shame on you.

Just my opinion..

You are upset with him for throwing ice on your nephew but you go back and spray his boxers with pepper spray? You both sound really mature...sounds like you need a divorce because neither of you are willing to be adults and actually resolve your differences.

I totally agree with Yosemite. It was horrible and abusive.The pepper spray is "just a joke" too.

I have to agree with what Ladyface said. Unless the kid has a heart condition, ice water won't hurt him.

What your H did was rude, however retaliating with a potentially damaging "joke" instead of having an adult conversation tells me there are more problems in this marriage than solutions.

I understand your anger over the situation, however your actions towards your H could be considered physically abusive. I would ask that you grab his boxers and wash them before he is hurt by your prank.

Then grab a notebook, a pen, your H and go for a drive somewhere so you can talk this out and maybe outline in writing some sort of resolution regarding kid/skid/adult interactions in your home.

I have a 15yo son who would not get out of bed in the morning, every morning, and I am often at the point of dumping some cold water on him. I would probably thank my DH if he did that.

My situation is similar to yours: my two boys, 15 and 18, live with us, his kids do not. But we parent my kids together. I disagree that the primary bond in this kind of family is mother to her children, and the dad/mom's BF or husband/or any other father figure is on the side. This is what PD BMs have with their kids - it is very unhealthy.

If your boys see you two as a team they will benefit more than if mommy is always there to "protect" them and thus give them more power than the man in the house. They do not need that power now, they need to see adults as having that power together. When there is a disagreement between my husband and my sons, I support my husband. We can hash it out behind closed doors but we have a united front for all to see.

Somehow I do not think it was abusive to dump water on your nephew ( i see you are in AZ, not North Dakota) - nor would i advocate that method on a regular basis. But IMO on a regular basis kids have to see that adults are a team; then they will grow up and look for that kind of partnership in a relationship and not fall for a strong ballbuster ( like mommy) who will emasculate the hell out of them.

I haven't read all the responses, and I'm all for fun and jokes between couples, but you are taking his idea of a joke and plotting revenge instead of returning the joke. I saw your update and it is the right thing to do, but I still think you are blowing it way out of proportion.

Also, I don't think you are in a position to be married IMHO. If you place your DH/ your life partner/ soul mate, etc. below your children and talk about him the way you are here with no respect to his opinions, feelings or place in your and your kids lives other than to be treated like just another adult, you really have no business being married.

I feel sorry for your DH!

So what kind of model are you presenting to your children? That one person makes all the calls and the other person has to sit by and nod? OK, so this child you have insisted on taking in (whether he agreed with it or not) has to be accepted as your own and DH has to play along with it. Yet this is a marriage? This is 2 equal partners in a loving selfless relationship? That you both are recognised as the single parent you are and 'the other adult in the house'.

In time your kids will make the same kind of choices in partners. Because this is the model they see on a daily basis.

And FTR, throwing ice and water over a 15 yr old who will not get up is not abusive. Spraying him with pepper spray or hitting him over the head repeatedly is abusive. Is the ice bucket experience an extreme reaction? Yes. But as your husband has no autonomy in your home I suppose he was pushed into a corner.

Consider separating which will allow you both to parent the way you want.

We hear this so much on this site: 'The spouse is the #1 priority and the child is the #1 responsibility'.

I'm always thrown for a loop when I read about a situation on here that seems to go against that line of thinking.

I haven't read all of the responses yet, but Yosemite, I don't think that "getting DH back" is the answer. In your post, you said that your kids come first and basically further state that what DH wants or doesn't want to happen in your home doesn't really matter if it doesn't matter to you. It sounds like the flipside to what a lot of SMs go through. I also didn't read your backstory so I'm not sure if there is anything more going on, but the fact that you threw the D word around seems like the way you're feeling is pretty serious. Is there a way where maybe you can communicate with him, letting him know that dumping ice on your nephew is considered physical abuse? Is there a way to resolve your issues without having to resort to ultimatums?

Can I ask why Dh was in the kid's bedroom telling kid to get up to begin with? You said it wasn't late, you had no problem with kid still sleeping. What prompted DH to go in and want the kid to get up?

Was DN suppose to be getting up to be doing something (example: helping you out in the yard cleaning up)? And then when kid didn't leap right up outta bed instantly, DH dumped a cooler of ice/cold water on the kid? WTF?

No, this wasn't a ha-ha gotcha practical joke between two people who like to joke around together...this was DH being an asshole. I'm curious as to what instigated the entire episode.

Teachers & neighbors have rules. If a child were to not mind a teacher or neighbor that would be disrespectful ... Why on earth earth would you not allow your husband to parent all? If your son didn't get up when told that's disrespectful

I went with a friend to visit her family in another state. Her SF decided that we didn't get up early enough (our schedule was to stay up late and sleep in. They wouldn't allow us to do any chores so I have no idea why we needed to get up early) and dumped ice water on us.

I was absolutely enraged.

I didn't read all the comments, but my opinion is that you need to get a divorce. Not because he dumped ice on the kid, yeah, that was fucked up, I'm sure you can get over it, as will your nephew. Not because you pepper sprayed his boxers either. A bit on the psycho side, but in anger we all do dumb shit, I lit ExH's underwear on fire once so I get it.
However, your post seethes with hate and anger. Your marriage sounds like a war of the roses. Blending 2 families and then expecting that neither ADULT/PARENT is to play a role in the others children is bullshit.

What gives ANYONE the right to say "Ok, I'm gonna marry you but you see those kids? You're nobody to them, so you keep your opinions, parenting, disciplining to yourself. And those kids over there? I'm nobody to them either so I'll keep my opinions, parenting and disciplining to myself."
That is ugly and is not in any way shape or form what it means to be married to someone you love.
It's actually quite sad and you need to get divorced pronto. Wow, I'm still shaking my head.