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SD19 is moving back home on Wednesday!

My4kidsmom's picture

SDstb20 is moving back home Wednesday!

Now those of you who know my story are probably picking your jaws up off the floor.
This is the girl who set out to destroy me and very nearly did. She has done so much that I can't even go over all of it. She has been gone for 2 years now. In that time period she has managed to completely fail out of a free university education to the point she cannot attend university until she spends a couple years at community college getting her GPA back up.
She has spent most of the past two years getting drunk, high, pierced, and tattooed.
In the years before she left my home, she managed to make me move out THREE times, emotionally devastated our family and her siblings, and drove me into a health crisis from the stress.
She has spent the past two years attacking us on social media and very angry that she could no longer manipulate us.
So WHY in the name of all things holy would I let her back in you ask?

It's a complicated answer.
First of all, DH is a different man. He became a Christian, stopped drinking entirely, has clear boundaries, and parents now from a place of conviction and love, not of guilt. He also makes it VERY clear that I am his queen, his priority, and his life-partner and everyone else is secondary to that commitment. He now has a very strong 2 year record of having my back always.

Secondly, she has hit rock bottom. When she failed out two months ago, the VA money stopped so 1,000 a month "poof" is gone. She is working 2 jobs, can't pay her bills, has no tires for her car and all her friends are still in college. Rock bottom is a great place to be when you need to change your life.

As for me, I honestly forgave her a few weeks ago. Deep in my own heart, prayerfully and purposefully forgave her for all the things she had done to me and our family. I did this for myself. To release myself from all the bitterness, anger, and pain. I was tired of carrying it. I raised her mostly alone since she was 9-10 years old. My DH was deployed most of that time and BM had zero custody and lived 3000 miles away. She was my daughter.

Out of the blue two days ago I felt something in my heart say "you need to bring her home and try one last time to help her"
As soon as I started telling DH he said he had just felt the same thing. Now keep in mind that we haven't spoken to her in almost a year aside from a few angry texts from her. We had cut her completely off.
In hindsight, it was the best and only option we had AND without any support from us, she destroyed her life in record time.
So when we called her after we had prayed and made our decision, we found out her dire situation. Her attitude was one of a broken, defeated, and hopeless kid. There was no bravado or posing.
So we are going to Idaho (6 hours away) on Wednesday to put tires on her car, pack her up, and move her home.

We have been very clear on our expectations as well as the consequences for not following them. She agreed without any argument or negotiation (a miracle in itself).

These are our rules.

1. Enroll in community college full-time starting summer semester.
2. We have full access to grades via the college education portal
3. Maintain a B average
4. Get a part-time job immediately
5. No drinking/drugs at home or anywhere else
6. Random drug testing
7. Curfew is midnight
8. No overnight visits anywhere else for at LEAST 6 months. You must be home every night.
9. Get into counseling-we will help set that up.
10. Attend church with us every Sunday morning.
11. Keep room clean
12. Do household chores as asked
13. Must commit to a full year at home to get back on track in school-we will not be a flop house.

This is all in writing and the consequences for not abiding by them will be her moving out and no longer receiving any support from us.

This is a last-ditch effort to help her get her life on track. What she does with the opportunity will be up to her but we will know in our hearts that we did everything we could to help her.

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

Oh dear Lord, I wish you well! Leopards rarely lose their spots, but maybe she will surprise everyone. It's definitely good that you have a list of expectations for her to follow. I know that is where DH erred when he moved SD17 in. It was just a freaking free for all.

Jsmom's picture

I have the same typed list on my computer, waiting for the day we have to do this. I will say this, "god bless you", but I am still on the fence if I would actually do this. I do know someday SD will surface again. DH knows I will try to do what you are doing, but every day that she cuts DH off continues, I am less likely to want to.

We gave SD19 a chance in 2013 and she burned us. I know we could shape her up, but I am not sure if the struggle to parent her now would be worth it and it may destroy my marriage in the process.

Glad you are trying for her, but you have to stay strong and remember the way she made you feel when she disrespected you. Hold her feet to the fire on the rules and she may stand a chance.

furkidsforme's picture

I really hope she is ready for a change. Maybe she can do it.

At 19, I was a functioning adult... but I was a party girl, did drugs, sold drugs, was promiscuous, and hung in a bad crowd.

One day, watching a beautiful young lady who was very high make an ass of herself at a get together I had an epiphany. I didn't want to be "that girl".

I got a new phone, and threw my old one away. I dropped every single friend I had, like that. EVERY LAST ONE. No contact, no goodbyes, nothing. I got a new job and started over.

I went from partying hard on serious drugs to eating vegetarian, meditating daily, and taking care of ME. I never looked back.

So, it can be done. I hope she does it. Sometimes you just wake up.

My4kidsmom's picture

Thank you all for the input and good advice. I'm familiar with the principles of Al-Anon and we are preparing ahead of time.
She knows this is her last chance so I hope she takes full advantage of this. We are cautiously optimistic at this point.
I will keep you posted.