I HATE step life!!
I am at the point where I feel like I am going insane! I hate my life, I am frustrated, tired, angry, disillusioned!! Glad I found this site and now worked up the courage to post after lurking for a few days.
It all comes down to one person: my husband's ex wife. I hate her. I have never hated anyone, but every thing this woman does must be motivated by crazy! She is mean, malicious, controlling- their child is like a possession she uses to make my/ our life miserable.
My poor husband - although he has set boundaries with her over the last few years- is still subject to her crazy whims and abuse on the phone or on email. I am just so tired of it all. He is a good man, but his ex is bent on destroying any form of civil relationship they could have for the sake of their son if things don't go her way!
We have been together for 3 and a half years, married for one. The latest is a blow up over a school vacation split. My husband is supposed to get his son (SS9) as of tomorrow. She said "I will think about it". The vacation dates are agreed to at the beginning of every year, now she is playing the bitch and making all sorts of demands, like my stepson being with us longer than planned because SHE needs a vacation from him... OMG I am just so sick of it all. Every thing has to be turned into a fight with her!!
Is it always like this? Does it get better? Are my options divorce or killing her?? I am worn out, exhausted and tired. I wish she would just drive off an effing cliff somewhere!
Right now, any words of advice will be appreciated.
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Comments
I have smiled for the first
I have smiled for the first time in days. Thank you for the laugh and welcome.
I will order the book
Thank you taushalove. I do
Thank you taushalove.
I do understand that I need to seperate myself from my husbands issues with his ex. I can't help but over hear her screaming on the phone and my husband getting angry. Some things affect us to. I support him with his son, but I don't own his problems with his wife. I agree with you that it's between them.
Thank you also for pointing out that I need to watch supporting him being with his son and him needing me to spend time with them
Best thing my husband did was
Best thing my husband did was STOPPED talking on the phone with her. Email only. Best thing he could do. Everything is in writing. Plus stick to CO at all times.
We stick to the co, but then
We stick to the co, but then BioMother has a fit.
We don't give into her because it always resulted in her abusing the grace extended or asking for more, then demanding more than what she was entitled to. It got out of hand.
We learned the hard way: no favours ever!
And stop the phone calls.
And stop the phone calls. Does wonders.
Your dh really needs to step
Your dh really needs to step up and put up the boundaries.
He simply tells her no, it will be on the agreed upon dates. She will threaten to keep the skid at first, but when she realizes that she has no control, she will agree.
Bm in my situation used to always threaten the we don't get to see the skids, then when we seemingly stopped pursuing it and let her win, she would threaten us that we had to take the skids. Follow the court order, no favors ever.
Snowflake, why does it always
Snowflake, why does it always have to be a battle? A fight to get what is rightfully yours?
It is exhausting. I am sorry this was your experience too.
I don't know if this is the normal behaviour because I don't have children that goes to an ex.
We do follow the custody order without deviation. It's his ex who wants changes at the drop of a hat and then pitches a fit when the answer is no. I can not handle this!
Interesting point. "it's what
Interesting point. "it's what she wants".
Never considered this before Rising2
Ignore the whore You state
Ignore the whore
You state something simple and obvious but I never saw it. She wants to upset our home. What sort of twisted person does this? (I know the answer.)
We are trying to peacefully get on with our lives and not bother her. They are divorced five years already. Why won't she just get over herself already?
Thank you for this!! Really. It helps me with my perspective and focus. I am playing right into her hands. I need to focus on my H, our life and not his insane baggage.
It really shouldn't have to
It really shouldn't have to be a battle, but when your dealing with a high conflict bm unfortunately she will make it a battle. Whether it is because she is crazy, bitter, or simply can't move on it needs to stop.
We had to go no contact because she wouldn't stop the berating. I feel bad that it affects the skids, but that it is not on us that their mother can't stop berating.
I don't know what her problem
I don't know what her problem is, but we feel the brunt of it.
Close on crazy sometimes. I don't know if she has psychological issues or is plain nasty. Hard to tell the difference some days.
Shameless plug. Back when my
Shameless plug.
Back when my wife's ex was making our lives misreable, I started applying Sun Tzu's ART OF WAR in dealing with her ex. It actually helped prepare us mentally. I wrote a series of blog posts on it.
First one here:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/133433
Thank you Drac0. Very
Thank you Drac0.
Very interesting read. Can you please tell me where I can find the other blogs? I never thought of applying Sun Tzu to biomom. Good idea.
Here you go, Part
Here you go,
Part 2
http://www.steptalk.org/node/133693
Part 3
http://www.steptalk.org/node/134193
Part 4
http://www.steptalk.org/node/134406
Part 5
http://www.steptalk.org/node/134600
Part 6
http://www.steptalk.org/node/136996
Part 7
http://www.steptalk.org/node/140609
Part 8
http://www.steptalk.org/node/151694
Thank you :) Will read it
Thank you
Will read it all.
There's about 9 parts to it.
There's about 9 parts to it. Click on "Drac0's Blog" and go to the last two pages. They're all there.
Have him keep contact to
Have him keep contact to email only. No phone. If it is an emergency, she can leave a message. This helps because, if/when he has to go to court, her crazy is documented.
Then have him try parallel parenting and strong boundaries to cut BM out of your lives as much as possible.
Very good idea misstep. Phone
Very good idea misstep. Phone contact can be limited to email or text.
I don't know if she will do this, but he can request that she puts her craziness in writing! It will limit her being able to interrupt our evenings with her random non emergency phone calls.
I hope she writes with all the swearing and caps too! Captured forever.
Look into single party
Look into single party consent laws in your state. Where I live, as long as *I* know I'm recording a conversation then it's legal. Hell, even if you require two-party consent you can preface every phone call with "This call is being recorded."
Either it'll get her to dial it back if she knows she's on record, or it'll document the crazy if you need it!
Thank you Allyskoo. I am it
Thank you Allyskoo. I am it in the US, but I will look at the laws regarding recording phone conversations. It should be easy enough for my husband to do.
I'm in the US too. I
I'm in the US too.
I recently had to research the laws in my state due to another issue (not step related). I'm actually quite cheerfully giving this woman enough rope to hang herself with now, and not nearly as bothered by her threats! 
Just knowing that I can prove what she said is a HUGE weight off my shoulders!
Oops, sorry. I am NOT in the
Oops, sorry. I am NOT in the US. I don't know how not became it. Apologies.
Damn autocorrect!
Damn autocorrect!
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the kindness, generosity with advice, recommendations! I am completely overwhelmed
So much learned in a short space of time. So much to think about and consider. So many light bulb moments!!
Why didn't I find this place sooner!
I feel your pain all too
I feel your pain all too well. Still lurking before deciding to share. (new here...why do I feel like I just arrived at an AA/NA meeting when I don't drink? LOL