You have a mini-wife on your hands and a disney dad. I've had to cope with most of this shit too. SD was 11 and still sleeping in her dad's bed. She was always extremely hard to put to sleep and from many nights of frustration and no-sleep, he found it easier just to let her sleep there. Until I came along.

I found this site.. and boy did it help me! First time I learnt the words "emotional incest" and "mini wife". Unfortunately, this is all on your boyfriend to fix. If he's still allowing her to do all these things, then he, as her parent, has to be the one to put a stop to it.

Maybe you should look up emotional incest and see if this fits.

My SO and I had to go and have counselling to save our relationship. Counsellor was fantastic. She made him see that he was actually damaging her future if he kept allowing her behaviour. My SO finally saw how he was enabling her to behave the way she was, and he put a stop to it. Unfortunately, that 'caused more dramas with BM and SD no longer visits.

This is absolutely 100% up to your boyfriend to fix, and untl he does, it ain't gonna stop any time soon. Ask him how he'd feel if someone pointed out how inappropriate this was, to his face? The sitting on his lap at 13? Hell, No! That is just :sick: Has she got a facebook? Maybe take a photo of her when she does this and plaster it all over her facebook. Kids are fantastic and getting other's to check their actions and maybe she needs them to see how pathetic she looks.

Did I read correctly that you asked a 13 year old her bra size in front of her father? (Even if wasn't in front of him it was way out of line.) And that you think it is up to you to get her bras at Victoria's Secret just because she is wearing sports bras? That is so not your problem or your place - especially since you seem to be initiating it.

I am really glad that Thunderfoot does not cling to DH because I would vomit. She gave him a back massage once (because she was in trouble and trying to kiss ass). THAT made me uncomfortable. Of course he was laying across the bed watching TV and she came in and asked if he wanted a massage. I had to leave the room. When I came back, she asked me if I wanted one. Ummmm no...I do not want your hands on any part of me. Thank you very much. Just hearing the word "Dadddddyyyyyyyy" in some baby voice is enough to make my skin crawl. If she was sitting on his lap and trying to hold his hand, no just no....

The only real comment I have on this post (because I am a bit creeped out by the behavior this girl and her father displays) is about the Victoria Secret comment. Yes it may have been a bit forward and really non of Tab's business. However, I do know that there are very few stores anymore that will actually fit you for a bra. They actually help you find the right size bra you should be wearing. I have done that myself. Once I found out what correct size I needed, I either bought them WAY cheaper online or at a less expensice store. And not ALL the bras at VS are sexy or slutty. They do have a line for teens. So really, other than the fact that Tab suggested it,,,VS is NOT the issue in this post.

I actually think this is an issue that would not even be an issue if we were not SM's.

And I have been guilty of this as well. I think we would view it as sweet if we were not SM's. JMHO.

VS has a teen line, its called PINK. However, I would not pay VS money for bras for myself much less for SD. I took her bra shopping a few weeks ago because her POS mom never does ANYTHING for that girl. BM will go and spend hundreds on lingerie for herself, but her daughter? Nah, that's DH's job because you know the CS she gets isn't really for her child after all. I took her to TJ Maxx and bought her plenty of nice fitting bras that were appropriate for her age.
As far as the clingy shit goes… My SD14 is clingy with her father. Yes, it's annoying but personally, I don't see it as sexual behavior. I see it as her being an annoying kid that's always up her father's ass. He has learned how to push her off when she does something that bothers him. Like one time we were at my sons football game and she sat on the bleacher in front of DH and she leaned back in between his legs and rested her arms on his thighs. He pushed her forward and told her "Yo what's up with that? Move!"
So he knows when her actions are those that most resemble the actions of a lover and not a daughter.
OP - you left this guy because of this shit. It has gotten worse not better and it will probably NEVER get better. I'd walk if I were you.

If I were you, I wouldn't want MY DD around a man who lets a pre teen sit on his lap for 26 minutes. Your SO makes me shudder when I picture him.

By the way... A few ladies and I have a Facebook group specifically for women dealing with mini-wife syndrome. It is a no-judgement group so you'd be free to vent there as well as learn strategy from women who've been there. You can find us at https://www.facebook.com/groups/miniwifesyndromegroup

I'm not going to get into the bra argument, since you've got plenty of feedback on that piece.

I do think this is creepy. But do know that you need to be super careful in this discussion. Insinuate that something is wrong with your guy's daughter? Your guy shuts down. Insinuate that there is something wrong with his parenting? Your guy shuts down. This needs to be a discussion so you need to be reeeeally careful in your approach.

I didn't have a mini-wife with icky physical stuff (seriously, how does he hide the morning boner??? :sick: ), but there was an emotional companion situation early on between my SO and his adolescent daughter. It came to a head when she asked him a highly personal question regarding me/the workings of our relationship and he didn't hesitate to tell her. I flipped out. He couldn't even see how inappropriate it was to tell a child something incredibly personal about me that not even good friends or family know about. It was as if he'd elevated her to an adult and me to a child.

We spoke generally about it and I told him that it sucked for his daughter's development to make her into a little adult buddy. I sent him a couple of articles about opposite sex kids as emotional companions after divorce and the impact of burdening a kid with adult problems and how that impacts their development. He understood it and realized it wasn't a selfish thing coming from me; I simply saw something he couldn't see because he was too close to it. Also, the articles I sent placed no blame on anyone. I think this was one of the links I sent, emphasizing point 4: http://psychcentral.com/lib/kids-and-divorce-ten-tough-issues/ He got it that this is just something that happens because kids will want to take care of their parents and it's up to the parent to stop it.

As I see it with you , there are two problems here, one that impacts you directly and one that does not. But the one that does not impact you is influencing the one that does. The one that doesn't impact you directly is that he seems to be in a relationship with his daughter, at least in her eyes. The one that does impact you directly is that this means there is no room for him to have a relationship with an adult woman, because SD is inserting herself and competing with her new "rival" for dad's affections. Even though it doesn't impact you, he has to fix the first to fix the second.

So explain that you see an odd dynamic between the two of them, and that you did research and that this is something that can happen with divorced dads and their daughters. It's no one's fault. SD doesn't know any better and it may not even be conscious decision making on her part. He certainly didn't notice, because he thinks the closeness means he's being a good dad to her. Problems arise when the kid effectively considers herself dad's partner, they arise when physical gestures continue well past puberty, and they arise when dad tries to re-partner and kiddo feels replaced and starts a rivalry with the woman Dad actually wants to stick his penis in.

Give him some reading materials and make that the end of that discussion. I'd also point out, next time just the two of you (LOL - not if SD can help it!) are out somewhere and you can observe a nuclear family with their daughter(s). Ask him to look at the family. Ask if he notices any girls crawling all over the dad, or if they are trying to physically get between their parents. If it's little girls, ask how it might seem to watch that family if the girls were older and had breasts and were crawling all over their dad. Wouldn't it be a little icky to witness? Would the mere presence of mom discourage it? (Yes, because Mom is Dad's partner, so no room for minor daughter-girlfriends). Does the daughter seem to know her place as a child in the family structure? Get him thinking about these things.

I hope that's helpful. You want to bring these issues up without accusations. You want to assume the best of all parties, and that this is something that just happened, and it's coming to a head now because Dad is trying to be in a relationship with a woman other than SD. And that SD isn't going to stop naturally, it's on him to hold up proper boundaries with her. Those include: Dad has alone time with his girlfriend, when SD is with them she does not attempt to wedge herself between them, Dad holds hands with girlfriend and does other displays to make it known that girlfriend is the girlfriend, Dad starts to see his daughter as a child again and not his companion, Dad starts to parent and stop this dynamic because that is WHAT IS BEST for SD (even though it doesn't feel like it.) But you want him to see the problem for himself, and then help him come up with a new set of rules/actions for the "what if she does this?"s that will come up.

As for her sleeping in his room, that's a tougher one because of the roommate. If he had his own place, having her own space/room would be a no brainer. Ask him what the plan is for that, because that is a very tricky situation once puberty is involved, and kids are wiser to the world. (I mean, seriously, how does he explain the tent in his boxers? Eww.)

I hope that was helpful.