I REALLY need advice
So I'm throwing SO this HUGE HUGE party in 3 1/2 weeks. He's turning 40 and it's a milestone birthday ... so I've been sneaking around and planning for MONTHS! I'm so so excited because I've gone so far as to creep the hell out of his fb and invite all his old high school friends! I've invited over 100 of his family and friends and I've been ordering custom stuff for months. Custom nip bottles, beer coozies, invitations, and even custom decorations with his pics or personal messages on them. I've also been collecting from fb, friends, and family pics for months that I've had custom designed and printed for this pinterest idea I saw of the #40 behind the dessert table that's all pics. I plan to also have framed pics around the location, a ton of his favorite drinks in form of jello shots, custom shooters with his pic and name on them, a bud light keg (as that's his favorite), a sweets bar (choc dipped pretzels, marshmallows, cookies, with various chocolate or dark colored candies as "black" is the theme + custom cupcakes), a nut/cigar bar to go with a beer/black/manly theme.... basically I've had my work cut out for me.
I've put my heart and soul and $$ into this party for about 9 months (including while I was pregnant) ...
SS20 was all part of the invite list / plans until 4 weeks ago he decided, whilst in a halfway house (please please read my previous blog posts) to OD AGAIN, this te not only dying, (he lived), but irreparably damaging his body. So I decided to exclude SS20 from bday plans...
About 2 days ago I decided to voice this opinion to SO'S niece who is helping plan said party ... and her "well how would **blank** feel about that" response prompted me to group mesg family to state I would prefer SS20 not be at the part and for NO ONE to go out of their way to invite him. He is still recovering from surgeries and consequences of his last overdose and being around alcohol is not a good idea at this time. This was apparently not MY decision as they all agreed 'how dare I exclude SS20 from his father's 40th bday" and not only will "SS20 will forever resent you for this" and also "SO will resent you if you don't include him"
... basically I'm being bullied by my SO'S enabling family to include JUNKIE SS20 in MY plans ... how dare i?? And now more than ever he needs family and support
Instead of a facility like I continue to recommend.
Honestly I KNOW the day will turn out to be about junkie SS20 instead of SO but they've bullied me into including him... including SO. This day has literally turned into something I've been excited about for months, to something I'm dreading.
How am I supposed to deal }:)
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Hahaha I should do exactly
Hahaha I should do exactly that
Without giving away my plans
Without giving away my plans I voiced to DO about his family and their views in whether or not I should include him, and him being his enabling self wants SS20 to be included.
I honestly feel like this will be a rift in our relationship, but on my side, not his like his family thinks
I'd cancel the whole thing.
I'd cancel the whole thing. If it's not about DH, then why do it? Instead you can have an intervention with the in laws. You are screwed if you do and don't invite SS.
I opted to cancel the entire
I opted to cancel the entire thing too. Ivery put my time and money into it so I should technically be able to invite or exclude whoever the F I want.
The theme is your issue in
The theme is your issue in inviting SS, I assume? Yeah not a great idea to invite a recovering person to what sounds like a over the top booze bash. But does the entire extant of Dad's birthday celebration have to be this one single activity event? Could you do a much smaller dinner party or something more 'family' friendly the evening before the big social party?
Maybe something with DH's parents, the kids mundane and traditional that he could celebrate with his father? It wouldn't be that more effort nor expense and you could still do the main gathering. Not to be critical, but I can kind of see the upset expressions you're getting from DH's family on this. You don't want SS there because he just od and he think he should be in rehab instead of a booze party....yet the young man's 40yr old father's birthday bash is centered around well, booze.
I don't fault you for not wanting the SS at the party, I just think the son shouldn't be excluded from his father's entire celebration.
None of them have ever dealt
None of them have ever dealt with any kind of drug abuse except one person who ended up clean through prison, so they have NO idea what to do or how to handle the situation. ... Despite my advice.
Honestly at this point, because I don't really have any family, and they are a huge family ... I feel like I am being bullied into allowing SS20 to attend.
They keep insisting he needs love, encouragement, and support from family, and that if I exclude him he will resent me forever. WELL FUCKING GOOD!! I have NO PROBLEM Being the bad guy if it saves this kids life
Will some of these family
Will some of these family members agree to act as SS's "escort" for the duration of the party? They should make sure he does not drink and he does not disappear for extended periods of time. They could also act as a "support system" for him if the party becomes too much for him to handle. And if he does become disruptive, they should escort him home.
If they think he should go to the party - the least they can do is watch over him. Would anyone consider getting some education on addicts before attending the party?
After all the time, effort
After all the time, effort and expense you've put into this, I totally understand you not wanting to just cancel the whole thing.
I'd put it out to the same people you already messaged on FB (SS's family member) this way.
"After careful consideration, I have changed my mind about excluding SS from SO's huge 40 birthday bash. Please feel free to extend an invitation to SS for SO's big day. However, because SS is a recovering addict and is currently recovering from OD'ing, I do ask that you all make sure SS is never left unattended and that you all make sure SS doesn't have access to alcohol. It would be so sad for SO and it would ruin the party for everyone if you don't take care of SS and SS ends up in an emergency situation again. With your help, I'm sure everyone, including SS, will have a great time."
And then don't waste a thought on SS. Let the enablers enable and the rest of the guests can have fun.
PS - I don't agree that it's SO's party if you've done all the work for it. If you're not a paid party-planner doing your job, then you are 100% in charge of the guest list. And if you accidentally left off SS due to you thinking he was still in the hospital etc, well... everyone makes little mistakes.
Thank you for agreeing that
Thank you for agreeing that after all my hard work and planning it is in fact MY party. It's a surprise one so SO doesn't even know what I don't want to invite SS to! I'm not cancelling because SO is wayyyyy more important to me than SS ever will be but I have decided to send a group mesg quite similar to yours and I'm having a long serious conversation with SS before I invite him. Lol maybe after I talk to him a bit he won't even want to come! He's not used to anyone ever yelling at him or holding him accountable for any of his actions, so whenever I do he turns into a big sloppy sobbing baby who's all "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment" and poor me poor me.
Well - you were right.
Well - you were right. Junkies can't be around alcohol. They just can't.
You would think that SS's
You would think that SS's family would be a little more concerned about him being in a party environment but obviously they are a bunch of enablers who cater to him, so....
Yes, it's your DH's son but he is an addict. This is not the place for him. SS himself should realize that and hopefully he will, after you have your talk with him.
If I were your DH or anyone who cared about SS, I wouldn't even be able to have a good time knowing that he was there. "Hey, SS, look at me do this shot. Too bad you can't have one!"
What are these people thinking?
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Why should I change all my plans and make it a dry party because they want a recovering addict there!? Not my problem.
Not only is it a party environment, but as far as I'm concerned he should be punished or face SOME sort of consequences for his actions, not be allowed to attend fun family events like nothing ever happened
Right!? Hello! Their defense
Right!? Hello!
Their defense is that right now is that he needs love and support from family and they don't want him to resent me if he's not invited. Honestly I could cate less about being the bad guy, because the bad guys in these situations usually end up right.
He needs to know that there are consequences for his actions instead if his family's "forgive and forget" approach. Buy hey, what do I know? I'm an outsider in all of this
I hear you. Sounds like they
I hear you. Sounds like they are confusing care and concern with enabling.
I am slightly confused as to
I am slightly confused as to why it was ok to invite him before the OD even though he was presumably an addict then too? But I suppose maybe the OD put things in perspective for you and made you realize how serious the situation is.
If it were me I would put consideration into making the party alcohol free and having a dry bar. The relatives can't complain because you are doing for SS. You don't have to worry about SS's sobriety being at risk or someone babysitting him all night. If you've already ordered/ payed for the alcohol, then you could see if it could be returned, sell it or have a second party for just friends.