I wish you the best, and I truly hope that you can mend fences with your husband. You have been through so much, and in my opinion you have made the best choice for you and your family.

You may wish to work on yours and his wills to make sure that his exmistress and and the child have no entitlement to yours or his funds. I would caution to leave her a nominal amount, maybe $100 bucks so it can't be argued that it was a mistake not to have included her.

I do not think your decision seems heartless at all. I think it actually sounds pretty damn sane and well thought out. Best of luck to you on your reconciliation.

* My husband and I will continue with out reconciliation.

I assume you meant "our" and I wish you all the best if, in fact, you are choosing to reconcile.

I think this is a wise decision on your husband's part and I think it's best that he made it himself instead of "leaving it up to you." He should own that he wants to reconcile with you and also that he has already missed the boat when it comes to the other child. As so many stepparents know, it can be extremely difficult for a parent to recognize when their own desire to "love" is actually harming the child. Real love is doing what is best for the child, even if it's painful or others don't understand.

Your dh making this decision himself is certainly a key element in your reconciliation having any hope at success.

Well done. You are making the best of a very painful and messy situation. Good luck with this.

Sad

Best wishes. You're in a horrible position with no great options. Take good care and I do hope things calm for you.

Good decision and not sad or heartless at all. If the ex-mistress or your husband had wanted him to have a father-role beyond being financially supportive, they should have come clean and let you know about all of this 8 years ago. The fact is, the ex-mistress lost her husband and is now looking for a replacement for her and her daughter, simple as that. You are smart to nip that in the bud...and your husband is, too. Might be the first smart decision he's made.

You're right...you aren't a stepmom, and you don't have the obligations of a stepmom. You are a betrayed wife and friend doing the best she can in an awful situation.

Another Step brings up a good point. Your husband should never have admitted parentage and refused to be tested. Since there's now DNA proof and he's established a pattern of financial support, you're pretty much stuck with that. Otherwise, it would likely be on her ex to pay child support after the divorce.

From your other post...it sounds like he panicked and paid to keep the ex-mistress quiet more than to support the kid...

I'm glad the last blog didn't scare you off, I think you did the right thing for your son who should be the number one person you are thinking about right now. People make mistakes, and he's doing a hell of a lot more by financially supporting the child than lots of parents out there that just walk away. Sorry you are going through this

This is a really tough situation with no good outcome. Someone will lose out, whether it's your family or whether it's the little girl left without her dad. But the mom did not have the real dad and her life from day one, she's only now asking for it after the child is eight years old.
What an incredibly selfish thing for that woman to do to her little girl. To me, the villain in the story is the mom who kept her kid from the dad for eight years. And this woman was the OP's friend to boot when she had the affair. Nothing good will come from that woman.

The decision you and your husband made probably is the best one given the situation.

As I said on your previous blog, I personally couldnt forgive an affair (let alone an affair that resulted in a child) BUT I can respect those that make the decision to try to repair their marriage.

I hope that things work out for you both.

I do find it a sad situation for the girl, purely in that shes born to a mother who is using her for her own gains (yes NOW she wants the father involved but for the last 7 years shes happily kept her to herself)
I do not believe you have any moral responsibility to welcome this child, there is a massive difference between starting a relationship with pre-existing (pre-known of) children and your situation.

Thank you for the update! You don't owe any explanation to anyone! I do know that a lot of folks here were thinking about you and wondering what you and your DH have come up with!

I wish you all the best and hope peace for you now and in the future!!

This mistress is the same as a lot of BMs we have to deal with. She chose to cheat as well. She chose to risk pregnancy as well. She chose to have a revolving-door-of-dads for her child. She has AT LEAST the same level of responsibility for what has happened. She will find some other guy and fit his puzzle piece into her daughter's picture. The little girl will just have an Uncle Joe or someone who she calls "daddy" now. The BM's getting the money. She's just out the guy...who was already married...

I think you are being very wise about this decision. As you say it is unfortunate but it isn't your mess to clean up. I think you are taking the road most stepmoms on here wish they could have taken. Hope all goes well.

You did the right thing for your marriage. I was in the same situation, except it was my ex Dhs ex girlfriend. She had a daughter and told my now exDh about her when she found out I was pregnant, 2 yrs later. I did what you did. Tried to make our marriage work and refused to allow them in our lives. We told our boys once they were teenagers.

I ended up leaving my ex cos he was an absolute control freak with a nasty temper. When her daughter turned 18, she contacted my boys via facebook. They met..talked..spent time together. She also visited with my ex and his now new family. My boys didnt like her because she only wanted money and favours from them. Ex DH and his new wife ended up banning her from their house due to her dramas.

Leave it up to your Son to connect when hes old enough to handle it..and yep..absolutely keep them both Mother anr Daughter away from you. You actually have more reason to do this as she was once yiur friend. She would have already poisoned her kids mind about you and will end up being a major pain in your ass.

Let the Mother deal with it all. She knew what she was getting into..and thats not excusing your hubby..but stick to yiur boundaries. I completely understand you and commed you for being so strong.