OT completely- about a dead friend
I don't have many friends or people to confide it.
This is the first time this has come up since FDH and I have been together. I'm at work already and plan on telling him all about this when I get home. But for now, as crazy as this is, I need to get it off my chest.
I grew up in a small town with a bad drug problem. Its a town people traveling between Chicago and Rockford might go through to save time. I've lost many friends since high school (I'm 34 now)to drugs and to death. The deaths come with no closure. I never found out until months later as I've stayed busy with my kids and once upon a time, college.
There's one friends death in particular that I mull over quite a bit. Probably because the family never told us how he died. I know it wasn't heroin...this one never touched the stuff.
He died nine years ago. This is a friend that would appear out of nowhere for a game of HORSE or to smoke a joint. He was one of those people that had an innocent personality.
I remember in high school I stayed a night at his house once. We stayed up all night talking. We were both about to fall asleep and he whispered "can I kiss you?" I remember thinking, how sweet. I know he had never had a girlfriend. He proclaimed to respect women so much he was scared shitless of them. lol Thinking about that makes me laugh. Anyways, I'm preparing for this kiss and what does he do? He kisses me on the cheek. I know my smile must have been absolutely ginormous. Then he asked me if I like it! lol
Thats' just an example of my dead friend who every once in awhile visits me in dreamland and keeps me up all night long playing HORSE. It hasn't happened in a long time. I wake up tired like I really had been playing all night long. Not only that, that sad, weepy feeling stays all day as well.
I think he's started visiting me again lately because I've been talking to this sister on FB. She posted a pic of him "Can't believe its' been nine years!" One of her braver FB friends asked what happened to her brother? I checked that post multiple times a day for a week to see if she actually answered. Nope.
The thing that kills me is that I hadn't seen him in a couple of years, but saw him the night before he died. I have a good idea of what happened, I just wish I knew for sure. I'm glad I hugged him that night...I was genuinely excited to see him.
I kick myself for not going to his funeral. Friends of mine showed up a half hour before. I didn't even know he had died before they knocked. I was in such a state of shock. I always had a hard time making myself go to funerals, anyway. Bringing those two friends up, I don't think I've seen them since then either.
IDK. Glad its out of my head. I'll just leave this here.
- Rose.Colored.Glasses's blog
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Comments
*hugs* I have a friend who
*hugs*
I have a friend who died 12 years ago now. He was also one of those genuine people. He did drink too much, and that's what killed him when he was only 35. About 2 weeks before he passed, we were out at a bar together. I was very depressed at the time (my mother was dying, I wasn't in a good place with my then boyfriend, my job was too mired in office politics etc) He looked at me, and said very seriously "Z3girl, I love you. I mean it. I love you." He said it in a completely non-sexual way. It brings tears to my eyes. He was such a genuine, kind person who short-changed himself. He had so much potential, but lacked the self-confidence. He literally dropped dead from complications of cirrhosis (that he didn't know he had). Felt sick one day, next day dropped in the bathroom.
I told my DH about this when we first met, and he doesn't believe men and women can be friends without sexual tension. He was actually jealous of a dead man. I can't talk about this friend to DH. This friend was like a big brother to me.
I'll never forget my friend saying he loved me, and I miss having a person like that in my life. No games, no strings attached. Not many people like that out there.
OP, feel glad you had a friend like that, and shared a special moment. Memories like that are priceless.
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
I feel for you, Rose. I lost
I feel for you, Rose. I lost a special friend twelve years ago. How I wish he would visit my dreams.
I read this click-through
I read this click-through from FB yesterday, so apropos to this moment with you online now.
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/my-friend-just-died-i-dont-kn...
Partial quote "I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it."
Some people never leave
Some people never leave you.
My very first boyfriend, Tim, died in 1995, when he was 32 years old. He had a 3 year old and an 11-month old.
We remained the best of friends after we broke up and I was devastated by his death. Still am, truth be told.
I go to his grave every October 21 (the day he died) and July 4 (his birthday). His widow remarried, had more children and changed my friend's kids last names to a hyphenated version of his last name and her new last name. That made me sad. It's clear from the gravesite that he doesn't have visitors except me.
My DH tolerates my visits - his sisters knew Tim and Tim was something of a celebrity in our town for his accomplishments in his short life. I told him from the beginning that it was part of the deal.
It seems to me that some people touch you in a way that no one else does.
I had a friend commit suicide
I had a friend commit suicide when I was in junior high. It haunts to me 'til this day because he told me the day before that he was going to do it (with a smile) and I thought he was joking. He was too happy of a guy, or so I thought. He wasn't at school the next day and when I walked past his house on my way home, it didn't occur to me why the police were parked in front of his house.
The original story was that the gun went off when he was cleaning it but I knew different. And a week later, when another classmate shot himself, the truth came out.
Some deaths, we just can never come to terms with or get over.
Heroin is terrible. I
Heroin is terrible. I completely understand trying to be close to and helping someone into that. My best friend OD and died while I was away at college. I didn't find out until two months later.