SHOULD WE ASK A BIO HOW THEY REALLY FEEL SOMETIME?
The Norman Rockwell family is an erra that is long gone. Today's children often learn early that the squeaky wheel gets attended to just to avoid the iritation of hearing the squeak. No one says life is always equal and fair. But I often think of the child that is not the noise maker at this time of year.
At this time of year I am reminded of the several years my sister, her husband and children would open presents on christmas morning with their bio and foster children. For the sake of fairness there would be equal presents for all the children under the tree,
With the little income they had, bio grandparents on both sides would include something for foster children also. After all, these are only children and no one wants to leave some of the children empty handed in front of others.
This is where the present scenerio ends for the bios. And never did they complain. They were raised to be thankful and share with those less fortunate. Yet I expect it had to be noticable to them that there was often a lot of disparity.
They attended the christmas parties held for foster children of their household. They observed the trunk full of opened presents being loaded into the van from numerous charitable organizations and children service funds for certain "family members"
They watched as the fosters returned with loads of goodies they recieved from "guilty syndrone" mom . And all her relatives. Also dad and all his many relatives who were easing their conscience.
The trunkful they returned with were just all they could fit at the time.
My sister's foster days are long since over. When hard times hit and as a family they made difficult decisions to eliminate ALL holiday spending in favor of trying to keep their home. Since several other family members were in the same boat we all did the same.
When the family did not show up for the yearly foster party. Case workers insisted on dropping off the presents for the foster children even though they had been told the family would be unable to celebrate their own Christmas. They never considered how the bio's of the family would feel.
When the fosters returned, they came with a car load of their opened presents. Even though my sister had requested they not do this before hand. This was met with indignation that the child was deprived of enjoying their own present. No consideration for my sister's bio's In fact not even a tray of cookies from these demanding people.
These were exsperiences with fosters. But the same sense of unfairness seems to repeat itself with many of the step stories.
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You're really putting down
You're really putting down foster kids? So what they got toys and your sister's kids didn't.
Her kids were not cursed with unfit parents. They have a stable, loving home.
Chances are they have never been abused. They get to see their parents daily. They don't have to wait for ascheduled two or three hour visit. They maybe have never been homeless, lived in a shelter or lived with a drug addicted parent.
I agree with you on one point ~ life is not allows equal or fair.
no, I am not putting down
no, I am not putting down foster children. I am aware many come from bad situations. She was always very good to them. These are children that were actually treated the same as her own. Trips to Sanibel / disney, everything without reservation on her part.
I am pointing out that what ever " their household" amount was for spending, it was always shared with the foster's equally. The obvious difference , and often bragging and showing off to my sister's children of what they got from other sources was quietly accepted by her children.
It was the advacates [family members and caseworkers] for these children{pre teen and teen] that lacked common sense and consideration for my nieces and nephews.
The expectation that the fosters should be driven to this party to gather gifts while their own pre teens sat there knowing there was no christmas for them that year was a bit much to expect.
When they did not go to the party, the caseworker insisted on showing up at the house with the intent of having the presents opened . even though the nieces and nephews were present.
When the fosters went home for christmas day, their family members were asked to not return them with their new gifts. They knew the reasons. Yet still, the feelings of these nieces and nephews did not seem to matter. They were upset that anyone should keep their child from returning with their new stash of belongings for entertaining theirself.
I don't think OP is putting
I don't think OP is putting down foster kids. I read it as wondering how bio kids feel when foster kids (or skids in many situations) get treated differently because of their circumstances. For instance, the biokids may have felt bad or wondered why they didn't get any presents when the foster kids got many. It's true though, life isn't fair and the biokids are lucky that they have a stable home and loving parents, where the foster kids get extra presents to make up for the fact that they have a rough life with little stability.
sueu2--- My sister did phase
sueu2--- My sister did phase out of the fostering programs after that group of children returned home several months later. As far as the idea that foster parents get rich from the checks they received, I did not see that to be the case.
They were foster parents for almost 20 years. They had a good income separate from foster checks. Their intentions were good and for the sake of fairness it was not unusual for their own household funds to be spent on covering the expense of having an upper middle class lifestyle. It does get costly to pay for adjoining hotel rooms due to the increased number of people, additional tickets for every family event attended,scouting costs, athletics, provide housing large enough to allow the child their own room, Children's service attempts to phase these children back into their own homes by12 to 18 months. By that time they have very much become part of the household.
When the economy changed, her children's lives had to change. They were the bios who accepted drastic changes in life and did not complain. There comes a time when the bio mother has to stand up for her own children.
Whether it is a foster situation, or a step situation there does come a time when enough is enough. Because someone elses child came from a disadvantaged background does not make them more deserving then the bio child. My sister's children also had feelings. At the time as children their feelings also counted.
It was the advocates for the disadvantaged children [caseworker, child's own family members] that knew the situation and could have been much kinder by delivering the toys to the foster children's parent home. The mother could have kept her gifts at her own home and used them there. It was heartless to insist the bikes,skates,sleds and such be dropped off for during the week and picked up with the children on her weekends with them. They had been asked beforehand not to do this. They chose not to listen.
My nieces and nephews had a right to their feelings being protected.
My state pays between
My state pays between $446-667 per healthy, non-special needs child, depending on age.
Fostering a couple of kids at a time can net quite a bit of extra household income.
STICKAFORK---Your right. It
STICKAFORK---Your right. It does add quite a bit of extra income. It also adds quite a bit of additional expense. After food, clothing,school activities,school expenses,allowances, cost of transportation,providing each their own room, additional utilities,vacations there was not much left to consider getting rich off of. That was never my point or the issue.
She isn't putting down foster
She isn't putting down foster kids at all! It is about treat children equal regardless. And to the "guilty ridden parents" they should look past their own children but also to the children who are being raised as their siblings.
In any blended type of
In any blended type of family, there are times where a child is left out. I used that time to teach the values of feelings. I hope your sister did as well- and it sounds like she did.
Bd20 would come home with her whole Christmas list. I always made sure that she did not flaunt what she got from her dad to SD. Explaining her dad worked long hard hours, got to see her twice a year and gave to her what he could.
I'm sure things were said between them.
I also know that when your kid is short changed, its easy to see other kids as bragging. Opposed to being excited. I am sure we all fall into that trap.
Hmmm... Your sister got money
Hmmm...
Your sister got money monthly for those foster kids, which then benefitted ALL members of the household...bios included.
This is so stupid to me. Same as SMs saying how "unfair" it is that skids get "two" Christmases. Let's see... the bios get one Christmas and have an intact family.
The skids have broken homes and get to bounce around.
The foster kids have loser parents that can't care for them.
Apples.
Oranges.
No comparison.
Posters and SMs like to preach about "life isn't fair" and then do what they can to make sure THEIR bios get as close to "fair" as possible.
Not all foster families use
Not all foster families use what they get monthly, costs go up income doesn't. I had an ex's mom who fostered his bff she didn't even know she would get paid she was taking him on as a child in need. She spent her own money on him and all she was paid was put in a trust for him knowing that on his 18th birthday he'd be dropped for any foster support. It would give him a financial start to his future. She ended up needing surgery that would leave her off work for 3 months with no pay when he was 17 he immediately asked for access to the truar to pay all the bills. It was Christmas and she was able to provide none all the charitable gifts he received he shared with his foster family. Because someone cared enough for him to sacrifice for him she taught a young man who truly had no future what it ment to be a man. She gave him a future an education and he's paid it back and oaid it forward. But she had also taught him not to expect something for doing nothing.
He's now a foster parent too, trying to instill the same values.
Would be lovely if all foster kids were taught that value.
I'm a few years late, so you
I'm a few years late, so you probably won't see this, but that is a really beautiful story. And I'm trying to decide whether to do fostering right now. Just respite as I work long hours. But that is heartwarming.
Well said Lelena!
Well said Lelena!