Am i in the right or did i over step as a step parent
I am 23years old
I have 3 step children sd age 7 ss age 8 ss age 9
I have 2 biological kids bs age 3 bd age 5months
We are a full family of 7
We have 50% care of my step children
I have found that hate the kids bm because I hate the way she parents. Letting the kids stay up till they full asleep in the lounge then they expect us to let them do the same, then they hate us for having rules. She hates me for taking the kids to the dentist, the optometrist, the doctors and getting their hair cut. She doesn't have health insurance because she knew we had it for the kids so when I found out that the kids hadn't had updated glasses for more then 3years I thought that it was time for me to pick up the slack and get it done. They needed new glasses, I felt like I was doing the right thing. The dentist was the same me and my husband needed to go and I found out they hadn't had a dentist appointment in 3 years and felt like they could go with us. The hair appointment was a request from the kids, my ss age 9 didn't want long hair as he was getting teased at school for it and his bm liked the look of his long hair so she didn't let him get it cut. My sd wanted he hair short because it was hard for her to put up and brush but her mum liked it long and didn't let her get it cut and my other ss wanted his hair cut but his mum wanted him to gown it out. I felt sorry for the kids and knew her wishes to keeping their hair long but how much does the kids have to suffer. Their mother started telling them that they were sick, sd had gluten intolerance, ss age 7 cannot eat sugar, ss age 9 has iron deficiency, I asked her to see the dc notes but she said she had none because she hadn't taken them to the dc just self diagnosed them at home. So my instincts wanted me to take the kids from her permitly but in stead I took them to the dc to get blood tests to prove to her we had healthy kids and she was wrong to tell them that they were sickly kids. I was right they had nothing wrong with them, she had put them on diets and had told them that they were sick and not allowed to play out side.
She believes I took her mother rights way from her and trying to replace her, so now shes ringing me up, texting abusing me for what I felt was the right thing...... Did I over step as a step parent
I would do the same thing for my own kids, I didn't do anything I wouldn't do for them.
My husband made all the appointments but as he worked I took them to all of them.
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It really is the bioparent
It really is the bioparent who should be doing these things...what was your spouses position on all of those things? And why didn't your spouse take care of them? Sounds like you did what the parents should have been doing, but a whole lot of people wouldn't like the step-parent doing it and would consider it over-stepping boundaries.
Me and my husband were on the
Me and my husband were on the same page, with the dentist, doc, hair, optometrist. He made the appointments but I took them to them as he was working. So now I'm taking the brunt of her anger.
*yawn* Stop doing what Dad
*yawn*
Stop doing what Dad should be doing. You're making your own troubles. Parent your kids and let Mom and Dad parent the others. You have no rights. You can't " take the kids from her permitly [sic] " no matter what your "instincts" tell you.
I know that I cannot or have
I know that I cannot or have any rights, But it scared me to think she was telling them that they are sickly kids with things wrong with them. When they are healthy beautiful children.
"Did I over step as a step
"Did I over step as a step parent" Yes, you did.
Those kids have two parents and based on what you posted, neither one of them are parenting. Dad has the kids 50% of the time, so both mom and dad for the kids not going to the dentist, eye doctor, getting haircuts....
You really need to step way back and let the parents parent their children.
How in the world does a 23 year old get stuck in this mess??? You should be in college/grad school, traveling, hanging out with friends...ENJOYING LIFE, and not sitting at home with FIVE KIDS :sick:
You mean well but really it
You mean well but really it isn't your place to parent . Step back . Only 23 and so much responsibility . Geez at 23, I was fallen down drunk every night and could barely take care of my cat lol , kudos to you .
I would just stop talking to
I would just stop talking to BM. Don't pick up when she calls, block her or change your number. There is zero reason she should have your e-mail or phone number, she should be contacting your DH, and you can tell your DH not to tell you anything that goes on in those conversations.
I would and have done these things for my SD, even though I'm disengaged in about every other way. I tend to follow the "do not harm" rule when it comes to skids, I don't go out of my way to be super sm, but I make sure SD has everything she needs in our home, and my own kids always come first before I consider jumping through any hoops for my SD.
I never pay attention to what happens at BMs house, or get myself worked up about it. Nothing I can do about it, anyway... However, I never follow BM's rules. Sd did as she's told, or I'd tell DH find another babysitter... and, if BM has a problem with your household, she can fix it through the legal system.
*duplicate
*duplicate
I agree: 1. Stop doing these
I agree:
1. Stop doing these things because you're making BM jealous, and then she's going to turn your SKIDS against you--and she may succeed.
2. Make DH do some of these things because eventually you will resent him for having to do the heavy lifting.
3. Cut all contact with BM, don't feed the drama.
I agree with the others. You
I agree with the others.
You meant well but you did overstep. It's not up to you to take care of your H's kids. That is his and the BM'S responsibility.
You cannot care more about his kids, than he does. If you hadn't of brought all this up, would he have acted on it?? You pointed it out and he made the appointments, but he chose to turn his back on his responsibility and you took over out of concern.
It's not your job to parent your skids. Leave it to your H and the BM. You have enough on your hands with your two bios.
The BM should have called and texted your H instead. It's his responsibility to deal with her. Not yours.
Do you see where we're all going with this? You have a full plate. Don't take on kids that are not yours. You're going to counter with the fact your H works. However my argument will always be.......what would he be doing if you weren't in the picture? He'd deal with it one way or another.
Let you H handle all of these things. Bite your tongue if he's not doing it in your timeline or at all.
Block the BM on your phone. She's not your ex and not your problem.
If you can, print out all of the emails and texts in case you need them later on.
"but step parenting is this
"but step parenting is this weird bizzarro world where up is down and down is up."
Well said!
You did not overstep. In a
You did not overstep. In a family of seven, each bioparent/stepparent/Martian parent!!! needs to do what they can to get things done. You did what you did for the good of the kids. That was all so kind of you.
That said, BM will never ever be ok with it AND your DH probably needs to at least try to fit in some of these parental responsibilities, despite his work schedule.
And, take care of you in all this. It is really easy- with a large family, a poison BM, and jobs- for a SM to completely burn the hell out of wanting to do anything for her skids.
I would be one to take over
I would be one to take over like this, too. If it works well between you and your DH, then keep doing it. I know, it's opposite of what others have said... To a certain point...
You have to get some boundaries. If your DH can take them to these appts and haircuts, then make him do it. You are a backup if he absolutely CAN NOT GO. Haircuts can be done in the evenings and weekends. Some drs appts can be after school/work.
It's easy to make an appt, but your DH needs to at least take them to MOST of these appts.
That way, when BM b!tches about it, your DH can handle/respond instead of feeling like he HAS TO stick up for you.
Stop taking BM's calls/texts/messages. Ignore. Radio silence.
You are 23. Please tell me you are still hanging out with friends every so often and have a life of your own!!!!! Do you have any backup of schooling?
Schooling no I'm a drop out,
Schooling no I'm a drop out, studying realestate online 2hrs a night and work at night mon-fri for 5hrs cleaning.
Don't have time for anything else.
I am not a parent that can do alittle for 3 skids and a lot for the my bio-kids, In my home i treat them all equally and my step kids treat me very well because to them they get treated better with us then at their bm's place. If its needed i do consult my husband but in the end the doing it, getting it done falls on me.
Not an excuse just information
Husband works 12hrs a day as a supervisor for a factory, then i go to work, He does dinner, school homework and then looks after the little ones. I come home when they are in bed and have to give my sd a kiss because she will not sleep other wise then i do my studies. I get up during the night to feed the my bd and take the my 3year old son to the toilet. Get up the next day make sure kids have done everything ready for school take them to school. Then go home with just my 2 kiddos and then I pick the kids up from school then my husband comes home.
this is 3 days a week and then i get them a day on the weekends so in a fornight i have them 8days, 6school days and 2 weekend days sundays.
I just find life hard and don't know what I'm working towards somedays
"I just find life hard and
"I just find life hard and don't know what I'm working towards somedays".
I don't have any input about overstepping. But I do want to ask you about this comment. Tell me what you want from life. What is your plan to get there? You are young enough to make your life the way you want it to be.
Not knowing what you are working towards means you need to contemplate what you want - a goal. You are a kind, hard working lady. You can accomplish what you set out to do. Don't get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of your long term goals. It makes the hard times tolerable.
I've been up since 5am and I suck on this phone. Just please know that you can do what you want and have the life you want. Only you can decide what that life looks like.
Puke's BM stopped taking her
Puke's BM stopped taking her to the counselor because BM didn't like what the counselor was telling Puke about her. Although Puke needs to see a counselor I stay out of it. Not my kid. H took Puke to dentist and optometrist because we have insurance on Puke and BM hadn't taken her in a while. I stayed out of it. Not my kid.
We can't invest more in the skids than their parents. Not our place. It also opens us up to hurt and frustration.
I got mighty ticked off when
I got mighty ticked off when my kid's stepmom took my then 5 year old to hair salon and chopped off her long blonde hair to shoulder length without asking. i also got mighty ticked off when daughter required dental surgery and she chose the dentist and made the appointment as I pay the bill and some dentists here are out of pocket and some are covered. Now if she wants to take them for routine bang trims and no dramatic hair cuts or regular dental appointments at the regular dentist, I have no problem with that. I too have my kid's 50/50. Half the week.
I work 5hrs at night
I work 5hrs at night Cleaning, i don't know, i feel bad when they talk to me about things they need that as a parent of my bio-kids i would do with out it coming to that point. When my 9 year old ss cried being bullied, when the school teachers where asking about glasses and when i found out my other ss was having pain in his teeth. Felt over whelming and didn't want things to get worse.
I did tell their bm what was happening and the kids feelings they also sat down with her and me to talk about it and she told me she had no health cover.
then a few days later we texted her what we were planning with the dentist and glasses and got no response's
So my husband made the appointments and i got it done.
I think shes annoyed about ME doing it with out her, WE payed for everything.
But she didn't communicate her wishes and now the communications are bad to the point i have stopped all together talking to her.
BM and DH would ALWAYS text
BM and DH would ALWAYS text me back in the day to ask me to take the kids to the doctor for them.
NOPE, NOT A CHANCE! So then they would ask grandma and grandpa to do it, so they didn't have to miss work or something like that.
Parents need to be aware of their kids health status, not my job, won't do it, not ever.
My kids SM took DD ONCE to the doctor because she thought her periods were "heavy" and she might be anemic and suggested we consider giving her a shot to stop her periods.
She wasn't anemic and i just ignored the shot suggestion, my exH said, I don't know about that stuff, so you make the decision and pumping my kid full of hormones for no good reason isn't my thing.
did you!!
No you did not over step. I have 3 step kids and 1 with my DH. They live with us full time and see their mom every other weekend. I took all my SK to the doctor, dentist, haircuts, school appt. That is is my husband could not so i did.
She is mad becuase she does not have sole control anymore, you DH can do what he wants with his kids during his time. She will need to learn to get over it. You will also need to learn that if she continues to blame you, your DH will needs to be speaking with her on things not you or it will allways be your fault.