It's amazing I even try anymore
Yep, today is Valentine's Day. I leave a red bag filled with a card, valentine tic tacs and a candy bar in my SS11's room this morning. My husband said he got something from the Valentine fairy, really? He knows who it's from. All day, no acknowledgement from SS11 about it, or that he opened it, liked it, thank you, etc. Nothing.
So we go to lunch, on the way taking him back to his mom. I ask if he opened it? His dad said "yeah, what was in it"? He said, oh some tic tacs, a candy bar, and a card that I don't remember what it said. I'm sitting there the entire time waiting for acknowledgement or a thank you or something. I sit basically with my feelings hurt. Husband/Dad says well your stepmom did it. He said, oh ok. Then husband said maybe you should thank her? At the exact time I say, well "You're Welcome" (before SS could say anything), cause now I'm a little ticked. I don't even know why I try anymore.
Then at the restaurant, he asks his dad is he had quarters to go play games. He said no, ask to ask me. He then asked me for quarters? I said "IDK, you hurt my feelings earlier, do you think you deserve any quarters?" Then my husband gets mad at me, that he's a kid and whatever else (I blocked him out). I'm thinking really? So he's excused from bad manners of saying thank you for a gift??? He'd have to say thanks to anyone else right?! And of course, hubby doesn't take this chance to explain how you should react when people do things for you w/out asking. How you should react when you receive a gift from anyone. I said "I don't have to do these things but I do". As I continue to get the bad wrap. I then gave him two quarters, he got up and left to play a game. My husband acts as if I was the rude one. At that point, I say "see, and not even a thank you for the quarters either." Geez, SMH in disbelief.
So not cool. I know I'm the adult and suppose to act better but he/they make it hard, so hard to do nice things for SS. And hubby wonders why I don't talk to Skids more. Hmmm....IDK, let me think.
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At this point in my life as a
At this point in my life as a stepmom I feel like these kids are brainwashed to be rude to us. If they are nice to us and say things like "thank you" or even have a good time with us that equals betrayal to BM. Don't expect more than what you got, don't get attached. You can do nice things, but you might get thanked in like 20 years, like I finally did with my own stepmom. I was brainwashed too. Learn your lesson and live your own life when SS is visiting, or not, but don't expect to be thanked. It is what it is.
YEs I'm pretty sure his BM
YEs I'm pretty sure his BM has a lot to do with it. She alienates and brainwashes.
I don't get it. Valentine's
I don't get it. Valentine's is for lovers , for husbands / wifes , boyfriends / girlfriends. Not for children , or parents , or teachers . Why are we elevating children to adult status, confusing them with their roles in the family unit ? Off course children are entitled to love , but not to symbols which represent romantic , therefore sexual love .
No valentines anything from me , or DH for (s)kids , period .
IMHO off course.
Totally agree .
Totally agree .
Including kids in Valentines
Including kids in Valentines day isn't new, creepy, strange.....
I'm 47. Growing up my parents gave my sister and I cards and candy on Valentines day. I did the same with my son. As kids, my sister and I gave cards to our parents, each other and our classmates.
I always have my students make cards for their parents and exchange cards with their classmates.
Why turn something fun, sweet, innocent... into something creepy?
We grew up with gifts from
We grew up with gifts from our parents too. Valentine's isn't just about lovers and romance. It's about LOVE in general to me.
My mother (not an American)
My mother (not an American) always got me something small on Valentine's Day. And it's only a week from my birthday. She always insisted on getting me a small toy, or as I got older, a box of nice chocolates. When my brothers married, she'd get my sisters-in-law chocolates as well. She didn't make it into a real holiday, but she always got me something. I now get my kids little chocolates, but I make a bigger deal out of it for my husband.
DH used to always buy candy for SD24. He used to make a point of buying those candy hearts with the little sayings on them (I can't stand them). He stopped doing that when she went off to college. He always bought me much nicer chocolates, perfume, or jewelry.
I don't think any way is the "right" way; it's just the way you decide to do it.
This is the reason we have so
This is the reason we have so many entitled little brats in the world today...no parenting.
Exactly my point. Who raises
Exactly my point. Who raises these kids??? My BS knows to say thank you, etc. My SS on the other hand acts as if he could care less. So unfortunately, makes me not want to do things for him. But if I didn't, my husband would say "why didn't you get anything for XXX?" Effing annoying. If you or BM raised your kid to acknowledge the simple act of someone doing something for them, they might get more.
I don't get it. My SD says
I don't get it. My SD says thank you if you give her a gift in person. However, her kids don't and she has never nudged them (now six and eight) to.
Most anything mailed to them is not acknowledged until I email and ask if it is received.
DH mailed a card and small gift to the grands last week. No acknowledgment.
Eventually, probably in a couple of years, DH is going to stop sending gifts as he stopped sending items to his oldest daughter after a spate of non acknowledgments.
I don't expect a formal thank you, but how hard is it to tell your kid to call their grandfather and say thank you.
I feel your pain.
If my ssons (at 11 yrs old)
If my ssons (at 11 yrs old) failed to be courteous I would speak to their father about it. This is his father's place to teach his son how to recognise the thoughtfulness /kindness of others. If the boy has never said thank you for anything in the past you may as well expect him to start conversing in French. And this lesson rests firmly with his parent... aka DH.
Although I would not have given him the quarters or told him he hurt my feelings. I would have told him "I do not have any quarters for you," And left it at that. If DH wanted him to play games he could go and find some. Just pull back. Mild disengagement is sometimes all it needs.
DHs kids would always push through the door and let it slam in my face. One day I turned around and went back to the car. DH came out of the store and asked me what was wrong. I told him allowing kids to push past me and let the door slam in my face was rude and discourteous. My 'icing on the cake' was always "Is this the way your parents brought you up?" I knew full well his father (USAF colonel) and mother would have probably killed their kid and made an alibi for each other rather than let their children behave like this. DH said this is how his ex allowed them to behave. I then said he could go out in public with his kids and ex in future because she still called the shots. I walked home (3 freaking miles!). And someone got the 'frosties' for a few days until I spoke to his mother. Then he got an earful from her and things changed.Sometimes you need to put your foot down but never give them a hold over you.
Woohoo! Finally some kind of
Woohoo! Finally some kind of action!
I think part of the problem of so many women on this board is that they "talk" to their DHs.
I have boys, and a DH and I can tell you, they DON'T RESPOND TO GUM FLAPPING.
There needs to be some action!
BRAVO!
I did bring it to husband's
I did bring it to husband's attention and he simply played it off as if it wasn't a big deal? WTH?? How's this kid going to act in the future with anyone who gives him anything? Like I said, this would have been the perfect opportunity for his dad to explain how you should act, etc. But nope, he sat there and made me look like I was a "bitch" again.
And I already had to address
And I already had to address that "who goes into places first" issue with him too. I'd flat out make him go back outside and hold the door for me, etc.
Exactly! I used to go all
Exactly! I used to go all out for the skids on holidays hoping to gain one scintilla of acceptance. Bad idea. The end of all this was many, many slaps in the face, including a CPS report and also guilty daddy behaviour excusing the rudeness as being shy etc. (shy, HA! The most boorish, ballsy children are "shy")
The coup de grace was when YSS asked if "just you (Chef) and me can make Easter eggs" then purposely turned his chair so that his back faced me; this despite the fact that he saw me setting up the egg dye stations while his Dad was surfing the web.
I slowly weaned myself from those activities. Used to buy in brand name everything including sweets. The Easter 09, the oldest two children had PASed out and YSS received cheapo dollar store candy--the kind that looks mass produced in Bejing
All made more painful by the fact that I never had holidays growing up. How I would love to have had birthdays Easter Christmas Halloween etc!
In that situation, you have a
In that situation, you have a choice to either take a leadership role or to be part of the team. You chose to be part of the team, but since things didn't go the way you wanted, you resented your role.
It was nice of you to arrange and give a gift to SS. You could have been the one to insist he say thank you, to teach him about manners. But you didn't take that chance. You sat around angry that he didn't do any better, pissed off that DH didn't do any better, and you lashed out with some short-tempered words and some grumpy behaviour. Why? Why not stand up in that situation and lead?
If you CHOOSE to sit in the backseat of your life, you don't get to choose where you go.
Yeah I personally find the
Yeah I personally find the idea of gifting anyone other than your spouse on Valentines day a bit weird, but hey, its all about how you are brought up right?
My SD5 asked one year why her dad bought me a card and not her, he explained to her about Valentines being a day that couples make extra effort to show their love and appreciation. Job done.
But at the same time, we dont really make a big deal out of Valentines, we do cards, and then its either out for dinner if SD isnt here or trying out a new recipe and cooking together. Its more about using the day as an excuse to spend all day together.
But your SS is 11, I'd be saying hes getting a little old for it. Hes starting to have hormones shooting around and maybe he does find it a bit childish or even a bit weird that step mum got him something for Valentines. I know you did it out of the goodness of your heart but now you have perfect reasoning to stop bothering with that.
And as for your husband snapping at you with the quarters. Damn, I dont know how you can cope with that, reads that hubby is happy for you to be a doormat.
As soon as Puke stopped
As soon as Puke stopped appreciating me, I stopped doing for her. DH would remind her to thank me but there was so many things he didn't know I was doing for her that she never thanked me for. Then I did a few things for DH regading Puke that when he put Puke first I stopped doing.
I stopped setting myself up for being hurt.
I did the same thing, left
I did the same thing, left v-day gift in her room, except I never expect a thank you, nor did I receive one, as per usual... but I bought my own two something (much nicer presents at that), I figured I should include her a little, but only for my conscience.... if she had come up to me to ask me for something, like quarters, even if I had them, even if she had said thank you, I'd say, sorry no quarters, ask your dad.
Hi OP, I agree with you that
Hi OP,
I agree with you that DH screwed up here.
Here are some things to consider in the future:
a. an 11 year old boy probably is starting to find Valentine's day stuff childish (my boys find it annoying, it's really more of a girl thing)
b. let DH lead. The way DH handled this entire thing (telling him it was a fairy, etc) shows me that he was never on board with the present. You felt the present was appropriate, DH did not. As the step mom you can assist DH, but HE needs to lead, it's his son.
c. your actions need to match how you really feel. This kid KNOWS you're annoyed at him, so getting a lavish gift from you, probably just makes him feel wierd.
d. not getting a "thank you" from a child, happens to bio parents ALL THE TIME. Then we remind them, and life goes on. It's not unique to SKIDS... it's pretty universal.
And finally, the most important thing in my mind:
HUSBANDS AND BOYS DO NOT RESPOND TO TALKING. It is completely ineffective to lecture a DH or a SON or a SS. Completely useless. They just hear "blah, blah, blah", like they've heard so many times in the past from so many women in their lives. They KNOW it doesn't mean squat because we DON'T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT TALK.
Next time, tell DH that the situation has left you upset and LEAVE FOR THE DAY. Go get a mani, pedi, have a nice time. Give DH the gift of missing you. When you come back, tell him you had such a good time, that perhaps you will do it more often... and that maybe, some day, you both might need to live apart.
THIS will get some action. And if it doesn't, LEAVE FOR THE WEEK. DH should be valuing you more when you get back--and if he doesn't, you know you are NOT valued.
SS11 is in 5th grade but his
SS11 is in 5th grade but his mom shelters him so much, he has no friends, or activities, etc. so his mentality is more like a 3rd grader. But yes, I agree, I will step back and not do much else for him. Such a shame that DH can't have my back like he has his son's. And such a shame BM is probably the reason he is the way he is. We have him every other weekend, so we try to teach him proper manners, etc. but obviously doesn't work. And the other weekends we don't have him, he's at BM mom's (grandmother's) house while BM is always out doing stuff with her boyfriend. One day BM and husband will realize where they went wrong. Oh well.
The kid is definitely rude
The kid is definitely rude and lacking in manners. On the other hand, a Valentines Day gift from your stepmother is a bit much. You seem to be trying too hard.