I read a bit of your blog that you linked above. Something that stuck out to me in the entry about your first weekend with them is that your husband got two "breaks" or times to "chill out" but you got none. Why? Don't let him push all of the responsibility off on you.

Ha! Enjoy it? Not likely.

To be clear. I have great skids and I think I'm a good influence in their lives. They talk to me, respect me...and I respect them. I even love them, in my way, and I wouldn't trade them or my life with my DH. I really have a "best case scenario" here on Steptalk (other than profoundly wanting but not having my own kids...but that's another story). Really. I completely lucked out.

But you know what? I STILL dread EOWE and breathe a sigh of relief on Monday mornings, like today, when skids head off to school. I think part of that is my personality and the fact that we have a small house. I don't like feeling like I have nowhere to go to be alone for s few minutes...nowhere to refresh and recoup my energy...I STILL fantasize about "what if" I'd chosen a different path at 25...a path with a childless man...my own family...

I completely recognize that my skids are good, that my DH is good (he messes up a lot but he tried to understand me and he has gotten MUCH better). These feelings are all me.

Say all that to say...please run. Don't assume that something will "click" at some point and you'll be happy. Don't assume that your feelings will change...

Your step daughters are adorable! Four and five can be such fun ages!! I didn't see anything in your blog about them being terrors or anything of that sort.. with that being said it sounds like you are just at a loss as to what your "place" is in their lives... are you overstepping? are you not interacting enough? Should you say something about uneaten food? Should you not reprimand? etc.

I think that being a SM will ALWAYS be a struggle... from the occasional (or not so occasional) BM nonsense, the skids acting up, but it sounds to me like you are laying a good foundation for a relationship with them. I think you need to keep it simple. Don't let yourself get so worried about whether you are doing things "right" or not. My "right" may not be your "right" I really think being a SM is a trial and error, figure it out as you go deal and it sounds like you've got the right ideas

You are going to get a lot of crap advice on here. Take some and leave most. But here is my sincere advice:

#1- Get the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin and read it. Not for the purposes of deciding if you should stay or go, but to look at the common and predictable problems step-families come with. Then you can discuss those issues with your partner.

#2- Consider that your partner may not know how to have a relationship with his kids without having a woman guide it. You say before you came along he had not seen his kids in 14 months. That is NOT a sign of a very good parent. In fact, it's pretty awful of him if you think about it. So just be aware that he may be unconsciously using you to facilitate a relationship with his kids. This is something the two of you should discuss, and maybe he should explore with a therapist.

#3- Sit down with yourself and decide what concessions in life you are willing to make when it comes to taking on a man with kids. Will you contribute to their upbringing financially? Will you house them? Would you take them in if something happened to BM? Is that what you want?

#4- No, it never gets fun. The most "fun" it ever got was the enjoyment of seeing my partner happy that I did something for his kids. That's it. The rest basically sucks.

#5- Make sure your partner is also making you an equity partner. No dumping work on you, no dumping kids on you, no using you for maid and nanny services, and your voice is completely equal to his in all matters. Then you know he wants a partner, and not just help. Many divorced men just want help.

I am also a young stepmom. I am 28 now and have 4 stepkids, and was 24 and DH and I started dating. You have to know a few things about this site:

1) Many of the posters have really terrible situations. Psychotic BMs and terror skids. They sometimes see other posters through these lenses. This is not anything negative on them, a sad situation is what they are used to. Having skids can be great IF and only IF you don't have a psychotic BM and your husband is a parent (i.e. demands respect and demands they treat you with respect, is not a disney dad, etc). Many posters told be "RUN! GET OUT" when I first joined and I am glad I did not take their advice (more on why below).

2) You need to chill out and SLOW DOWN. You have only known these kids 2 months, if that. Chill out. It takes TIME to build a meaningful relationship. You are not their parent, and while you seem to have more parental instinct than DH, he is their parent.

3) There is no way in hell you should get a card on mothers day after 2 months. LOL!!!!!!! I've been in my skids lives for over 2-3 years and wouldn't expect that. AND I have a very close relationship with my skids.

In my honest and humble opinion, you are WAY overthinking everything. You are never going to enjoy this if you spend every moment worrying about everything. You had a whole paragraph dedicated to them eating pringles. Who cares? My philosophy is always "If this won't matter a year from now, who cares" My skids get on my nerves at times, ruin their appetites, and are complete wusses, but I try to just shrug it off.

You need to completely erase what you *think* being a stepmom is like. Wipe out painting nails and baking cupcakes and braiding hair and giggling, etc. You need to just take things one thing at a time with no expectations and let the relationships evolve ORGANICALLY. If you become too overbearing or want everything to be perfect all the time, the girls will pull away from you and resent you, and so will your partner.

Honestly, 21 is way too young for this responsibility. However, you technically are an adult and can make your own choice. There are a few books out there for young stepmoms you can check out, just search on amazon. One I liked was "A Career Girls Guide to Becoming a Stepmom" or something like that. I would also advise you take that blog down. You can post them here in your blog section. This site is more anonymous and private. I don't know your BM, but if she found out you were detailing every step of her kids lives including pictures, she may not be pleased. DH may not be thrilled as well.

If you had told 21 year old me I would be a stepmom to a 16, 13, 6 and 5 year old (older 2 girls, younger boys) by 28, I would have laughed in your face. However, by taking my time and letting things develop organically, I now have an awesome relationship with all my skids. It helps that I have normal and supportive BMs with whom I also have a great relationship. And my DH is my partner and I am his priority, he only has extremely rare Disney dad moments. Even when DH was pushing me to "be more loving" and have a "perfect" movie-type relationship, I ignored him. I knew we all had to do this at our own pace. I think the skids respected that, especially SD16 and SD13. Teenage girls are TOUGH and they can sense a phony from a mile away. I've always been real with them, never faked enthusiasm or affection or anything of the sorts. They knew what they were getting was the REAL me, and they gave me the REAL them in return. Now both SDs (I think) view me like a close aunt/friend and confide in me, take advice, etc.

PLEASE calm down, slow down, and if you decide to stay in this, take it one day at a time. Know that NOTHING will be perfect. You can make plans, but they will be broken. You can have expectations, but they will be squashed. Just see where things take you, while keeping true to yourself. Good luck.

Duplicate sorry

Triplicate, sorry

I became a stepmom at 22; to answe your questions: it's never gets fun, it never gets easier, it will always be the way it is now or get worse (worse because he has two and they're girls). They are 4&5 so their fundamental personalities have already been created so if they irritate you now then you stand no chance for teen years. I can't say it can't be done because I'm living proof it can be done, but there's no happy ending if that's what you're looking for here. With smaller children there's more BM drama, there's more "Firsts" for them to fight over; if I could do it all over again I would never have met BM. I would have stayed in the shadows away from all the stress it's caused me. My choice of course and my DH is the best thing that's ever happened to me but I will tell you like I tell any of my friends who mention dating a guy with a child "no! Don't do it, run away, get out before you've wasted too much time because not everyone can handle all that comes with this life." You just met the kids so you can still back away from the situation.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh.... The reason you are in this situation, and I quote, "When I first met my partner he hadn't seen his kids for over 14 months. I was the one to encourage him to start seeing him and building a bond. I don't regret my decision, I just wanted to know if at all, it will become a 'fun' thing?"

You got what you wanted. He is now establishing a relationship with HIS children. You pulled a classic SM move in that you cared more about him having a relationship with his children than he did. This rarely ends well.

And to answer your question if this will ever "become a fun thing"; I would be shocked if it did. If you are looking for fun, go out with your girlfriends and have a night on the town!

Children are meant to be "fun things". They are a responsibility.

I am one of those SMs with the psycho BM, lol, so I do have dark lenses. So I'd like to comment on something else:

Many of us have gone through divorce and many of us here know what it means to be with a man who has a completely opposite parenting style. It seems you''ve rushed to trying to figure out whether or not you'd enjoy step parenting while glossing over the even bigger issue: can you parent alongside this man?

Parenting, as the kids get older, is very much like playing a sport. I have 4 kids and DH and I have to be a great team in order to drive kids around to all their activities, handle all the school functions, handle 2 full time jobs AND hhandle the household. We are constantly tossing the ball back and forth as we run accross the field. Most of the time, the partner catches the ball.

In my previous relationship, I was running with the ball byy myself. If I tried to throw it to my partner, he'd drop it because he was interested in other things, it was exhausting.

Love does not equal a good relationship. You can love many men, you can only build a great partnership with someone who has similar values, goals, upbringing, etc.

People with two opposite parenting styles will eventuallly fight like cats and dogs. I'm happy for you that you don't want to feed the kids Pringles, I am like that too, I buy organic stuff, nitrate-free stuff, and I'm very careful with what I feed the kids.

If my DH was not on board with this, we'd have a problem.

The question is not "am I right or am I wrong?" the question is "Is this man similar enough to me that we can work as a team?"

I also was/still am a young SM....My fiance and I got together when I was going 19 and we've been together 5 yrs. To answer your question - no, it doesn't get more fun. A couple of posters have pointed this out and I will say it too...your SDs are the fun age right now... it's an uphill battle. Step life was a breeze for us when my SD was 2,3 and 4 years old. Between 4 and almost 7, it's gotten twice as hard for me.

A lot of posters are going to get on here and tell you to leave, run and never look back because you are so young. People told me the same thing. And to be honest, I wish I had listened a little harder. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret staying at all. I love my fiance and my SD (despite the struggles we go through because of her mother), but I had no idea what I was getting into. Even at 21 after I'd been around for 2 years, I had no idea what I was getting into. I'm not going tell you that you should leave, but I would read everything you can get your hands on and think very hard about this. Someone suggested Stepmonster, I would read that if I were you. Read some of these blogs on StepTalk.. Take everything with a grain of salt, because a lot of posters on here have it a lot worse off than functioning step families have (no offense to anyone, that's what we're here for right?). But you need to see how bad it can get, especially since you could potentially a be SM to 2 teen daughters. Decide if you can put up with this now, because it will not get more fun.

Parenting is hard enough. Taking on that role in the life of a child who is not your own, is even harder. Good luck to you.

I'm going to jump in as a fellow 21-year old SM...

My SD is 4 and she's adorable (most times), my SO is fantastic, we've been together 3 years, living together 2 years... but would I do this over again? Absolutely not.

Being a young SM is hard. At first, it's awkward but fun. You get to do things you're not used to doing, like taking the kid(s) out for fun activities and making snacks and watching kids tv with them. It's cute and all. But as time goes out, you will start realizing that you're missing out. In my opinion, as a young SM, you need to make a decision and be firm.

You've stated you're not leaving and you want to be a part of your stepkid's lives... but are you ready to take on parental responsibilities completely? For me, I was willing to participate in family activities and take on parental responsibilities as they suit my schedule. I love my SD, I am there for her, but I will not drop my own happiness for her the way I would for my own child, if I were to have one.

My SO and I decided early on that I would be a great role model and parental figure for her, but if I need to travel for some reason, I go. If I want to go out with friends on the weekend, I go. If I want to sleep in, I sleep in. If I need to work late, I do. He does virtually everything and accepts my help when offered... This is the only way being a young SM would work for me. I don't sacrifice for her unless I want to.

Now, some might say it's not fair to SD... I disagree. I'm here for her, I spend time with her, but she HAS two parents who would put her above everything else.

This is what I would recommend for any young stepparent. Be involved, but don't get taken advantage of or pushed to take a bigger role than you'd like. You are young, there is so much you will want to do and accomplish - don't let anything, even a stepkid, hold you back.