DH acts "hurt" when I need space from skids
This is my first blog post.
In the earlier days of my relationship with my husband, I actually looked forward to the skids coming over. I have no children so I loved being able to do "family" things together and it was all new, the kids were so sweet and loving at all times. I would rush home from work to make a meal or spend time with them. I would accompany him on pick ups and drop offs, I would rearrange weekend plans to be home with them, etc.
Well, as you can imagine, that has changed. I still love the kids but I get more attitude from his son and more "testing" from his daughter. For example, I asked his son to please come inside the house so we could get ready to leave. He looked at me dead in the eye, said "no" and walked away. I told my husband and he said "I will talk to him about it if you want, but he does that with me too." Great parenting! SD likes to test the waters, for example she will write "I love mom and dad" on a piece of paper and tell us it is for her mom and mom's boyfriend... then she will looks at DH to see his reaction. She's little but I can already tell she will enjoy manipulating each household to the best of her ability as she grows up.
I no longer rush home to be with them, enjoy cooking and cleaning for them or spending my whole weekend with them. DH and I have a lot going on and I am tired. I don't want SD attached to me from the time I walk in the door until she leaves.
Last weekend I put my foot down. The skids generally will wake me up because I am the "morning person." In the past, I was glad to make myself a cup of coffee and feed the skids so my wonderful, loving man could sleep in. Well, now I hate it. On Sunday I pulled the covers off of DH and told him to get up and make us all pancakes. Then I went back to bed. He even served me the pancakes in bed. It was lovely.
Yesterday from the second I walked in the door SD was by my side. Asking questions, demanding attention, etc. We ate dinner as a family and I spent about an hour with SD until I finally went into the living room (where DH was relaxing and enjoying a TV show) and told him to entertain his kid!! He looked at me like I had just broken his heart. He had SD leave the room and then told me I should "kindly let him know I would like a break, instead of being bitchy and demanding." Is it me or is that kind of ridiculous? I feel like he should acknowledge that I haven't had a moment to myself since I walked in the house and help entertain his highly needy and demanding daughter?
He is on cloud 9 when the 4 of us act like a family, he wants that so badly and for the most part, I gladly play the role of step mom and set aside my needs to "be a family" when they are over. I enjoy a lot of it and I do it well. But, I also have my moments where I am overwhelmed and uninterested. He doesn't seem to understand that they will NEVER be my blood, I will never look at them with the same awe and admiration he does. They are his exes kids that they share together and that will forever be in the back of my mind, a repulsive little secret resentment. I just need him to understand that I have these feelings and be more sensitive and aware, instead of me always having to be sensitive to his special kids and difficult situation..............
- AJanie's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I am so passive sometimes I
I am so passive sometimes I make myself sick.
I can totally understand what
I can totally understand what you are saying. But I can also understand your DH's side. He doesn't have the same feelings of needing a break so he won't get that part right away. But maybe your approach for telling him you need a break was wrong. I am not judging because I have the same problem. I get to my boiling point and instead of being kind, I turn bitchy. Maybe when the kids aren't around, explain to him how intense the constant neediness is and make a plan on how to better communicate when you are at your limit. Maybe a "tag, you're it" in a joking way to DH will give him the heads up. As long as you both communicate about what is going on, it will make it better.
I have to remember, Men can't read minds. And trust me, I forget that saying a lot. But they can't. So he has no idea you are overwhelmed.
So talk to him, come up with a plan to playfully or nicely tell him you need a break and tell him that you expect him to honor that break.
The, next time the kids are over, try it out. If DH fails to help, then disengage. Find activities to do on your own and give yourself a break.
But it sounds to me like your DH is willing to help, so give him a heads up and a chance.
I do have to remember he
I do have to remember he can't read my mind. I have a tendency to take on too much and then snap, instead of carving out time for myself intermittently.
I understand your feelings.
I understand your feelings. DH probably is comfortable with the "mom takes care of the kids dynamic" (even though you are SM). It probably did hurt that you pointed out that SD is NOT your child and that HE should actually parent her a bit. But, truth hurts and we all say things in less than graceful ways when we are tired and frustrated.
The pancake breakfast was a perfect solution. A conversation with him that reassures him that you DO like his kids, but that you can't be their only caregiver/playmate/entertainment when they are at your house. Tell him you need some time to do things yourself and that he should cut you a little slack because you really aren't used to having kids around "all the time!".
Kudos to you for trying with the kids and DH is right, kids will push boundaries and test the manipulative waters on occasion. It's up to him to help you keep that in check when they are in your house!
Next time your DH gets all
Next time your DH gets all pouty because you expect him to actually parent his own children - just tell him to grow up and to stop acting like another one of the kids. Preferably with least amount of bitchy tone you can manage.
How submissive is she
How submissive is she supposed to be when requesting said break? To me telling her DH to entertain his child absolutely conveyed "I need a break from this child".
It's not her child. She doesn't need to ASK if she can have a break because she needs one. She doesn't really need any excuse.
When someone hands me a baby (which I don't mind or I wouldn't do it at all) I just hand the baby back when I'm ready to stop holding it. I don't make excuses about why I don't want to hold the baby any longer. I just give it back. "Here's your baby back".
I agree with this. Sometimes
I agree with this. Sometimes people put on a face and pretend to be someone they think the other person wants. Then, when they get that person, they change back to the person they really were. That's not fair. It doesn't sound to me like the kids are being mean to you or your husband is abdicating his parenting role to you. It seems to me that you set the pace and he was happily rolling with it because, in an intact family, mom usually takes on the child rearing and house jobs. If that is going to change, you need to communicate that with him. Being bitchy to him is not the answer.
My situation was similar, I
My situation was similar, I went to loads of effort at the start. I sat DH down and got him to imagine having to spend every other weekend with next doors kids. He likes them but couldn't stand them for long. I explained because he has no connection with those kids. Just as I have no connection with his.
That was a few years ago, now I have lost patience with having his kids around. I just tell him 'I DO NOT have any kids, you DO. You stuck your d#%*in the stupid whore so now you have to deal with the aftermath.' He fully understands what I mean!
The lovely ladies on this site helped me disengage to a point where I'm learning to sleep again at night.
Your DH needs to parent, 100%
Your DH needs to parent, 100% of the time they are visiting him. I suspect he was so pissy with you because he was embarrassed at being pulled up on being a lax parent. It's not what anyone wants to hear but you did the right thing in telling him to get in there and look after his kids.
If your DH is habitually making you feel guilty, ask yourself if you are being emotionally blackmailed, and if the relationship is healthy. You may be married to DH, but you are still an individual person, with your own interests. Do what you want to do on the weekends. If your DH doesn't accept that then there is a big problem with how he treats you.
I tell my DH the truth about how I feel. It's been hard for him to hear some of these home truths. But he made it a lot easier by arriving home one evening and complaining about a kid he saw misbehaving. I asked him to understand that if he feels that way about someone else's child misbehaving, how does he think I feel to witness persistent behaviours in my own home, week after week. That really made him see the light.