How to handle difference in rules for SD and BS?
I'm really struggling with how to handle my situation. I have a 1 year old BS and an almost 4 year old SD. We currently live with my BS's father's parents, and my MIL has been doing most of my SD's care since she was a baby when they split up. She is a huge pushover with her and as a result SD has become incredibly unpleasant to be around. Demanding, self centered, loud, intentionally disrespectful, more so than the average 4 year old. She is behind on learning her alphabet and anything education related because my MIL doesn't enforce literally any rules. She will let her speak to her horribly, and respond with "yes sweetheart." My SD can wake up and yell "OATMEAL" and my MIL rushes to get her oatmeal and gives her kisses telling her how she's her sweet baby. After she's just spoken to her that way, even.
My MIL will ask her "do you need to go to the bathroom sweetheart?" And she will scream "NO!!!!!!" rudely with a mean look on her face, she snatches stuff when my MIL tries to help her, she argues with her constantly and my MIL acts like she's the same age as her and argues back instead of putting her in timeout. She never goes into timeout for any of this. Whenever I'm in the distance to overhear this I usually say "that is not nice, we don't talk to adults that way" and then my MIL comes up with some roundabout way to justify it while seeming like she's disciplining her. Like "I know you just wanted to keep playing darling, I guess I probably should have waited to ask you about finishing your milk until you finished what you were doing, but you should be nicer and say "no thank you."" My SD gets in modes where she snatches literally everything my BS touches and screams if he touches her toys, but then when I give him one of his own toys to distract him she snatches those too and everyone else in the family acts like I'm too hard on her when I tell her if she keeps taking his toys she's going to have to sit in timeout. When my BS was a newborn and she bent his finger backwards to make him cry my MIL's excuse was "I know you saw the cocomelon show where they sing about fingers so you were confused and trying to do that with him baby, it's okay but his fingers are very delicate so we need to be careful." Like it's so obviously NOT that but she's delusional enough to think this stuff. Obviously she knows it hurts him. That's why she did it.
It drives me CRAZY and now my SD and I aren't very close anymore because she's so badly behaved that I have to balance out my MIL by constantly getting on her trying to set some kind of rules. Thing is, my BS is picking up on a lot of this and seeing it all the time. So my question is how do I keep him from becoming the same way? Is it fair to say "ok you're going to go in timeout for speaking to me that way" when his sister speaks to adults that way all day long and it's met with "yes darling I'll get you whatever you are demanding"? What is the best way to go about the difference in expectations? Has anyone been through similar? He's such a sweet baby and my SD used to be sweet too. Her MIL being so incredibly lax with her has just turned her into kind of not a very fun person to be around a lot of the time. I don't want that to happen to my BS too. He's already picked up on the way she screams and snatches her stuff whenever anyone touches it, and the way she yells "no!!!!!!" so I'm terrified that I don't know how to handle this moving forward. And yes I've tried to take on more of SD's care, MIL does everything by default and doesn't leave much room for anyone to help a whole lot.
The only way you can change
The only way you can change this situation is by moving out. Your MIL is not going to change and your SD will only change if you get her away from her grandmother's influence. How does SD's father react to all of this coddling and bad behaviour?
He doesn't like the extreme
He doesn't like the extreme coddling but in my opinion he's not great himself because he's either way too soft on her or way too hard on her depending on his mood, never any in between. It's like some days I'm about to throw up with all the mushy pushover stuff and other days I'm actually the one defending her to him trying to tell him to lighten up. We can't move out because when I met him he had so much debt and I didn't know about it initially until I already was very involved. Now I am home with our son and I have racked up lots of my own debt trying to get groceries and stuff. We aren't anywhere near being able to move out, sadly. I am planning to go back to school while I'm home with him but not much I can do immediately. We didn't plan the pregnancy. We probably wouldn't be together right now if it weren't for our son together, if I'm honest...But I am so terrified of what things will be like if he and his mom are raising him half the time that I have stuck it out to avoid that. She gives my SD a diet of probably 80-90% sweets and junk food. She eats sugary oatmeal, then cookies and marshmallows and ice cream and more cookies and candy all morning, then chicken nuggets every day for lunch, then more cookies and marshmallows and then a few bites of dinner and then even more sweets before bed. It's ridiculous and I literally want to cry imagining my son having that diet if we split up. And me having to be the evil parent compensating by making him eat healthy with me.
So, I am assuming that your
So, I am assuming that your earning potential.. even if you were inclined to go to work now would not be great. Because your child is 1.. you certainly could be working if you wanted to.. it would require you to figure out child care.. but it's possible.. you could also try working a job where your hours would be opposite your SO.. you work days.. he work nights for example.. so that you did not have to pay child care.
But.. you do have to face some realities and make some tough life choices.
You say you would not be with this guy if it were not for the baby. Where would you live otherwise? would your own parents take you and your chilld in so you could get on your feet? It's also possible that your SO would not actualy get enough custody to make as big of an impact regarding diet etc.. Chicken nuggets are not the devil.. and having some treats isn't going to in itself ruin your child.. if you are able to instill good habits in your home.. Because living where you are.. you will be hard pressed to keep your child away from the cookie jar.
I know it is short term scary to comtemplate leaving.. but do you want to be years down the road still dependent on his mom.. shackled to a loser that can't support himself... much less the children he created?
Honestly I don't trust him
Honestly I don't trust him enough to be around the baby on his own without me there. That's a big reason why I've stayed up until now. We have had some DV issues and he's had a record of yelling at our son and being a little too rough with him when angry, and I am terrified of how that would be if I weren't in the room even though I want to believe he would walk away before harming him. He is also very emotionally abusive toward me and I don't want my son being criticized so much and made to feel like he is never good enough. So I can't leave. He got 50% custody of his daughter and the only reason he hasn't been that way with her is my MIL basically raises her. It's like this mess where he is an unfit parent but his parents I guess are a buffer but they are bad for the kids for other reasons, so I just don't know what to do. My parents would let me move in with them but I don't think I can go about my day knowing he will be alone with my son and if he isn't then my MIL will be taking over and spoiling him. And I don't have any evidence of any of these incidents, and I've read that even if I had evidence they still would give him visitation and lead up to 50% custody anyway. It's so ridiculous but apparently it's how it goes...
The reason I don't have
The reason I don't have evidence is because even when things have left marks it never shows up on camera, and it's never severe enough to leave a really dark lasting mark. But he's choked me a few times and smacked me around and grabs me and throws me down. Among other things. But breaking it off means I'm just not there to protect my son anymore. It's truly a mess so now I've just settled for trying to do what I can to minimize the influence their family has on my son...
why in the world have you not
why in the world have you not has him arrested? That in itself is evidence and could give reason to supervised visits.
And I think the reason she
And I think the reason she coddles and spoils her so much is to compete with her bio mom. She loves and brags about how one time she saw SD in public with her mom and SD cried wanting MIL. And always makes comments like "I better not go out there when her mom picks her up, I don't want to cause a big issue" as if she thinks she's above her mom when really it's just a matter of her wanting whoever she hasn't seen recently.
You know.. the thing that
You know.. the thing that strikes me here is that you have nothing to say about SD's father.. the father of your child!
your SO has pushed his responsibilities of raising his kid onto his mom.. You two can't even afford to live independently from her.. and had another child.. that she will likely push to start overtaking YOU in caring for the child.
Why are you having to live with her? do neither of you work? Why don't you find a way to live on your own.. why has your SO not done anything to raise his own child.
It's HIS responsibility to raise his daughter.. not his mom's.. and if you lived in your own home with SD and your baby.. the rules could actually be the same.
That is how you fix this.. you and he stand on your own two feet.. even if you both have to work extra to make it happen. It won't happen under her roof.
Nothing about BM, either.
Nothing about BM, either.
It almost sounds like she is
It almost sounds like she is also a "non-issue" in her child's life.. probably related to life choices like drugs or something maybe..
Her bio mom is in her life
Her bio mom is in her life half the time but she has super lax rules too over there, my MIL "babysits" while my boyfriend works but it runs over into being an all the time thing. He's very uninvolved and self centered. Bio mom's other two kids and my SD eat horrible diets over at her house, and have horrible behavior. So over here if I (for example) tell her "do not slap your little brothers hand, that's not nice and you're going to go in time out if it happens again" both grandparents will say right in front of her "I think she's just doing what she's being taught over there, SD do your older siblings do that to you?" And she cries and says "yesss!!!!!!" And they coddle her. Absolutely toxic. I hate it and I'm so tired of it and if I could take my son and move away and have him all the time I would. Problem is I know if I do that they'll fight to get him half the time and MIL will have him eating mostly sweets all day with a few bites of dinner to break up all the sugar. And coddle him until he's just as much of a brat as his sister.
Oh I forgot to answer the
Oh I forgot to answer the question about us working, my boyfriend works but has tons of debt. I have racked up lots of debt since staying home with my son, and if I work my MIL will be coddling him and ruining his health with sweets so I'm always weighing what to do...It would be years til we could afford to move out even if I do go back to work. So I was sort of planning to do that once he's in school and won't be around MIL so much...What do you think?
You can't let diet be a
You can't let diet be a reason not to work. Don't have MIL babysit, send the child to a center. You are going to be lower wage from the sounds of things and can probably get assistance to help pay for it. Staying at home right now isn't the right choice. You don't really have the luxury of being a SAHM if your child's father isn't able to actually support your family.
Or OP could play the long
Or OP could play the long game and try to get into some kind of career program (maybe a technical school/shorter program), get assistance for tuition and daycare, then leave when she has better career options. Something like x-ray or ultrasound tech, with a shorter school program but making decent money. Or even better, if she has her family she could live with. The bad news is, she is forever entangled with this crappy family and the current trend is 50/50 if the dad wants it. And this dad has his mommy with all the time in the world and a desire to compete with his BMs for who is most loved by the grandkids. OP is in a bind.
Absolutely, a fast track
Absolutely, a fast track training program, daycare assistance and get the F out of that situation is the way to go!
Yeah I think you guys are
Yeah I think you guys are right, the first thing I guess I need to do is school. I have a hairstyling license (or at least will as soon as I take the state boards for it and pass them, which is the last step I've just put off for a few years because I've been pregnant and so busy with my son) but I don't know if I'll make good enough money that way and I do have another area I want to go back to school for anyway. I just feel so stuck at this point like how did I let myself get here.
I think that's much too late.
I think that's much too late. Finish your hairdressing licence, get a steady job and RUN! Start looking at the cost of small places to live right now. Consider moving away if the cost of living is too high. Next time your bf lays hands on you, call the cops. Can you imagine raising a child in a violent home where he learns that this is how you treat women? Consider what he's observing every day and growing up to think that this is normal.
Contact a women's shelter and ask for advice and help. You might be surprised at the resources they have. Plus it's always good to build a support network.
Yeah, there are really simple
Yeah, there are really simple ways to fix this but it would mean your BF needs to parent and you guys need to move out. If you can't afford to, you need to find family you can stay with and take your child with you.
Where is the children's
Where is the children's father in all this? Why is he allowing his mother to spoil and coddle SD? Does he not realize that it is not good for her? And why are you living with MIL? You need to move out if you want any influence on this situation. Where is the BM?
He works during the day and
He works during the day and is very hands off at night when he gets home. In other words, very lazy. Hard to get him to help with much other than watching our son while I take a quick shower every couple days or while I do laundry or make his lunch for work the next day. We are in so much debt, started with him being in debt but then staying home with my son I've racked up quite a bit too. I could move back in with my parents but my boyfriend has some aggressive tendencies and I worry so much about not being there part of the time when he would have partial custody, which apparently he would in almost every circumstance even with those aggressive tendencies. And my parents house has its own drawbacks, several large breed dogs and not the healthiest family picture for a lot of reasons. My mom and I also have trouble getting along living together which I always forget until I stay over there for a few days. Here at least the family is more functional overall. I don't know, it's sort of like I'm having to choose which things to expose my son to. I'm not happy in this relationship and it's almost at a point where it's a dead bedroom situation and just obviously not working, but the fighting between us has sort of slowed down since that's happened. Like neither of us care anymore so is it better to just avoid pushing my boyfriend to be violent toward me and avoid him on the days he's being overly critical and controlling? Or go be around my mom and probably fight every few days and have to deal with that again, and send him with my boyfriend and MIL without me there to protect him or influence him. I don't know. Sorry I'm venting so much.
If your boyfriend is working
If your boyfriend is working and you're living with your inlaws, what are you racking up all this debt for? Are you living beyond your means?
Oh and to clarify the dogs
Oh and to clarify the dogs are my personal favorite thing about being at my parents house and I sort of consider them my dogs because I love them so much, I just mean it's a drawback because my son is learning to walk and they can't really all be out at the same time around him because they get too hyper. I didn't mean they're a drawback overall, just right now at his age.
It sounds like you were with
It sounds like you were with a not great guy who was "okay for now" bf material, but not someone you planned to be with for life. Unfortunately you got pregnant by him, and now find yourself living with him and his low rent family. You're witnessing the way his family dynamic will ruin the next generation, and recognize it's bad for your child. It's a good sign that you have healthier standards for parenting, but unless you stop drifting and take action, your bio will be ruined, too.
You MUST get away from these people, OP. Where are your parents? Do you have grandparents or other family you could ask for help? Have you checked with social services for career counseling, educational or housing assistance? You've made some mistakes, but if you tap into that fierce parenting instinct inside you and work hard for your bio, you both can have a high-quality life.
Would you not be better
Would you not be better off leaving this guy and his spoiled child and his mother? Even if he (i.e., MIL) had your son half the time, wouldn't your son be better off having half (or more of) the time with you in a normal environment without coddling and without an older half sibling who isn't a good influence? Do you have family you could live with? I'd look into government programs where you could get assistance with daycare and education/job training to improve your prospects. It would be far better to make sacrifices and work your butt off now to provide a better life for your son than to wait years and years to dig out of debt, get a job and move out of MIL's house. You have options besides living with your MIL and staying with a guy you're with only because you had a child together. Explore them.
Sounds like you are stuck,
Sounds like you are stuck, but are you really? Your continuing to rack up debt because you are not working means you have to work. Even if it's part time or from home. Or if you need more or specialized skills for a higher paying job then you need to be in school. Explore financial aid options at your community college.
Have you explored credit counseling? That might help you with a long-term debt plan and reduce what you owe. Is it so bad that bankruptcy is a consideration?
What would you do if your MIL weren't in the picture? There have to be other options.
OP, this might seem like a
OP, this might seem like a silly question but... is your bf on the birth certificate?
Regarding your living I agree
Regarding your living I agree with all above. Definitely move out and figure out a way to make it work. Do you have government funded homes over where you are for the eligible?
Regarding the parenting I would stop trying to correct SD. You aren't getting anywhere with it thanks to being in MIL home. I have DD2 and parent her as best as I can. When SD takes your DS1 toys just pick them all up and move him away from her and if she cries ignore her. MIL will come running and deal with it anyway it seems.
When SD and SS hype up DD I remove her from them all the time. She cries and wants to go back and play and I distract her with something else like books and my attention instead. At this age it's easier and you still enforce boundaries. I tell the skids 'I need her to settle down now' and just make it about DD not about them.
Even though they drive me effing crazy how they fight with each other, muck around and be stupid, I just take DD out of the room and yell at DH to parent them and shut them up.
Last night though I did lose it at DH when he allowed SD to eat her chocolate Easter bunny at dinner time when I literally was cooking dinner. I don't let DD eat sugary food that time of night and knew DD would throw a royal tantrum if she saw SD with chocolate and not her. I said 'Nope, SD you should have eaten it 3 hours ago instead of at dinner time. I'm not allowing DD to eat that this time of night and you need to put it back as she will see'. SD glumly put it back and DD yelled 'Mummy said no chocolate SD!' Lol only because she knows her little routine and rules. There has to be some sort of compromise where the skids need to respect that too. They can eat sugary crap I don't care, just pick the timing to eat it and hide it from DD, that's all I ask as a compromise from DH. So yeah even I get frustrated with DH sometimes when it comes to his parenting. He doesn't think sometimes and it drives me crazy.
Where is your family? Do you have another support
Where is your family? Do you have another support system besides DH's family?
Get you and your son to your
Get you and your son to your parents house today. File for custody, report your asshole boyfriend for abusing you and your baby. They won't make you send baby to father until they investigate. That might make the grandma shape up. Is this creep physical with his mom and daughter too. Please don't keep thinking his behavior isn't that bad. I have been married for over 40 years and my husband has never put his hands on me like that, and I mean NEVER. You are in the beginning of a relationship, should best the best time. It will only get worse. If you stay with this dickhead he will also teach your son to be a abusing prick. Is that what you want for him? Please go.
He isn't that way with anyone
He isn't that way with anyone except me, and I've seen signs of it starting with my son at times but I've scared him about it enough that he hasn't even tried going down that road. I just worry about him being alone with him at all, mostly at night. I truly feel in my heart that if he had to deal with him at night that would end up happening. Most of the times he's put his hands on me has been at night, like if the baby wakes up too many times and I don't do things perfectly the way he thinks I need to to get him back to sleep as fast as possible based on only HIS needs instead of the baby's needs, or early in the morning. I panic whenever I'm out of our room at night doing something and I hear the baby wake up and worry if I take too long he's going to get mad at him. I don't trust him around him at night and I barely do during the day. Every time he's watching him the baby wanders off around the house unattended and he is on his phone half paying attention. I could stay with my parents but that has its own challenges because my mom and I clash a lot and my dad has substance abuse issues that I don't really want the baby exposed to...But I just don't know what's best at this point. I wish I could just move out on my own but that's years off in the future even if I start working at it now. I don't ever want to date again, all I want is to be stable and independent and my son to be safe and happy...
I know it's a stereotype and
I know it's a stereotype and people think "oh of course she thinks she's the only parent who should get to see the child" but I truly feel like I'm a better influence on him and if I knew I could get custody and just have it like "ok come pick him up if you're wanting to go take the kids somewhere or for a day one weekend here and there" but then let me pick him back up to sleep with me I think it would probably be best for him. But he fought for 50% of custody his daughter even though his ex alleged abuse against him (granted she was drunk driving with the child as a baby) and everyone I've talked to has told me even if you have video evidence of abuse they still work toward 50%. So it's the sort of thing where I'm afraid to break it off and realize it'll be 50% and then it be too late to go back and reverse it.
I'm curious, OP, as to how
I'm curious, OP, as to how your bf managed to rack up such huge debt?
Well when I first met him he
Well when I first met him he had quite a bit, I just didn't know about it initially. He makes a lot of impulsive purchases and it's always been a point of disagreement between us. Since I've met him (about 3 years ago) a few of the things he's put on credit cards is a metal detector, new speakers for the TV, an iPad, new phone, AirPods, newer Apple Watch, Apple TV setup and Apple Pencil and basically every Apple product he can find any excuse to "need," weight set, a $2k dollar camera setup and then lenses, flash, and a bunch of smaller accessories for that, a $400 air filter, $600 car parts he hasn't even put on the car yet, tire spacers or something where it makes his tires be like one inch further out as if anyone in the universe notices the difference or cares, a smaller $100 air filter for the bedroom, a $250 algae diffusion tank, then there's just a lot of smaller stuff that he puts on there. Gets into one thing and has to spend a bunch of money on it then drops it for a while and moves onto the next thing. He's gotten a lot better about not overspending but it's put us in a position where he can barely even keep up with his minimum payments each month, so the necessities have fallen on me to put on credit cards otheewise he comes up with a reason why we can get by without it. Like new toys for the baby, things I need that he doesn't see a direct reason for but it's important to me, like hobby supplies and stuff to work on his baby book which I have tried making by hand, getting tags and insurance for my car so I can drive our son to the park or go out and do stuff, gardening stuff, anything I find important he tries to get out of us getting so I have to put that on my cards. Groceries have mostly gone on my cards, all the baby clothes and a lot of the initial baby expenses (though some did go on his cards too). It's just in a cycle where all his money since I've met him goes toward minimum payments, so everything we need has to go on cards, but we keep racking up more debt. I have gone from having about $5k saved up in savings when I met him to now being probably $10-15k in debt myself, and my credit score has gone way down. I know it sounds horrible and ridiculous but it's partially my fault too. I have overspent some too. But just nowhere near as badly as he has. My overspending is like "oops I spent $80 at hobby lobby or target during the one time I get to go shopping in the month" and his is, or at least was, more like "oh btw I ordered a $900 camera lens because I can't use the camera now without this lens because the kids are moving too fast now, no point in having the camera if I don't get this lens."
No offence intended but... I
No offence intended but... I think you would probably benefit from a session with a financial advisor. You both seem to have trouble identifying what truly necessary.
It's the luxury/live at home
It's the luxury/live at home mindset of today's young people. But - as OP has learned, if you live with parents, you give them too much control over your life. Something tells me they eat a lot of take-out food, too. OP, just get away from this guy. Living with these people will skew your view of reality and even if you are frugal, this guy will spend you into bankruptcy. Plus he's abusive and his mom is controlling. Beg your family if you have to. Get yourself out of this debt and change your life. This guy and his dysfunctional family are just going to keep dragging you down.
Holy Wow!
How do you have that much credit card debt and no job.
You HAVE to get a job. Your child is 1 year old. You have no money - negative money even with all the debt.
Do not keep yourself in this position that you have to depend on this unhealthy relationship in order to survive.
Finish up your hair license and start working ASAP.
Your DH has choked you - that is the number one indicator
Your DH has choked you - that is the number one indicator that he will one day kill you. You need to reorder your priorities from MIL spoiling your SS to figuring out how to remove yourself from this situation so you don't end up in the hospital or dead. Contact the Domestic Violence Hotline and they will put you in touch with a local organization that will help you. (thehotline.org 1-800-799-7233)
Quit making decisions based on what "you have heard" and contact a lawyer and get your advice from them. You are not doing your child any favors by staying in a relationship where your husband is physically abusing you. You have indicated there are times he is too hard on your child, how long do you think it will be before he starts getting physical with your child?
Get that hairdressing license
Get that hairdressing license. If you can't work full time, work part time.
Apply for daycare assistance.
Stop putting extra things on your credit card. You don't have the funds to be spending at Hobby Lobby. Your child does not need lots of new toys. Look for toys at thrift shops. The ones near here have lots in good condition.
He choked you. Call the local woman's shelter and talk to them about your options.
OP, this is not a site where
OP, this is not a site where we advocate for keeping a father and their child apart. But from what you've shared, not only is your bf a physical and emotional threat but his whole trashy and dysfunctional family is a detrimental influence. You need a plan to get out, but you also need to ensure your bf will not be able to win custody or visitation. DO NOT share what you're doing with anyone. Stealth mode, girl.
You've made some mistakes, and will need to be strategic in order to get out of this situation, but it can be done. I can tell you're a smart young woman with good instincts, and there are many resources out there for single moms willing to work hard to create a good life for their children. Get that expert advice, and please please be careful.