Hello everyone!

I'm new to this forum but I have a feeling this is exactly what I need. I am in my mid-20's and have a 21 month old daughter of my own with my SO who has two kids from two previous relationships. My SS10 will be 11 at the end of the month and up until recently was in BM's care most of the time (and I say that with reservation, because she wasn't the one providing his care-she will pawn him off on whoever she can, me, her sister, neighbors etc.)My step son is such a good kid, she doesn't know how lucky she is. He is diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder and a recent assessment placed him on the Autism Spectrum. My SD5 resides with her mother and maternal grandparents. They provide excellent care for her however they are incredibly over protective. My SO and I began our relationship shortly after the relationship between my SO and BD's BM ended. I have had a long stating friendship with my SO since we dated a few years ago. When SD's BM learned that I was in the picture she became furious and would verbally harass my SO at ALL hours of the night. She would make his visitation with my SD as awkward as possible which resulted in his avoiding the situation for 8 months only dropping off child support occasionally.

Our story is a long windy one as most of them are. In order to understand where we're at, you must understand where we've been.

I met my SO in 2009 and we dated for a few months, but nothing serious. I was in college at the time and was slated to study abroad in Africa the Fall Semester of 2009-so I wasn't looking for anything serious. My SO had been through a good amount of hard times, not only his whole life, but around this time. His girlfriend of 3 years (who he planned to marry) had left him for another man, ended up pregnant, when that didn't work out she came back to my SO who took her and her baby in as if she was his own only to have her leave again and refuse to allow him contact with her baby whom he had grown to love. In addition to that hoopla, around that same time as he found out that he had a son who was soon to be 4 years old. My SO doesn't deal well with emotional pain. He avoids it. He avoided himself right into a serious drug problem. ENTER ME. Clueless and naive as all hell. And to be perfectly honest I had no understanding of what he was going through and to be even more honest I didn't have any intention of understanding-I knew it was "above my pay grade". I was young and right in the thick of one of the best times in my life-I was free and intent on taking full advantage of that freedom. I met SO one night at a bar, my best friend and his best friend made plans to hangout and I tagged along. Our relationship was very superficial if you can pick up what I'm putting down. He made it very clear that was what he wanted-and I was fine with it. He presented as a cocky, arrogant asshole, not my usual type, but I didn't really care-I was leaving in a few months anyway. But then something happened. We started "hanging out" regularly and he told me about his troubles. One night we had gone for a walk and he began talking to me about his ex. He told me what happened and what it felt like when she came back to him with her baby I'll never forget what he said:
"I just saw her and her baby and all of a sudden nothing else mattered. What she'd done, what I'd done, I just wanted to love them both."
I remember not saying anything. What do you say to that? It's a beautiful thought that it was possible for someone to love another person so much that they'd always be there no matter what. I was clearly very young, very clueless about how dangerous blind love can be. But I remember thinking:
"Wow. I hope someday someone loves me like that."
Things changed drastically after that. We weren't just "hanging out" any more. We were both making marked efforts to spend time together. I caught feelings, and I could tell he had too. But a deal is a deal and time doesn't want for anyone. I knew he was trying to numb the pain with drugs and I knew that I had no business trying to fix it. We talked a lot about where he was and what he needed to do. The last thing I said to him before I left was "I really hope you find someone that loves you all the ways you deserve to be loved. You're a beautiful human being even if you don't realize it." I wished him good luck and moved on with my life. Or so I thought.

After I returned from my trip I began seeing a boy from school. He was smart, free and we just worked. I dated him for the next 3 years: after graduation I moved to NYC and started my career. He turned out to be Peter Pan-he never wanted to grow up. He asked for a break, I decided to make it permanent and moved home. I had told my ex about my relationship with my SO, and I thought about it a lot over those 3 years. I always used to catch myself and think "maybe in another life". But there was always this odd pull of something left unfinished. I kept sporadic contact with my SO until he went into Rehab. He has worked very hard at sobriety and remains sober to this day. I visited with him once after that just to see how he was getting on in life and my ex hated it. I didn't see it then, but I really can't blame him. Needless to say my ex didn't want me talking to my SO, but the way I saw it I was an adult and I am capable of self control. And I was. I never cheated on my ex and I never would. About a month, month and half after my ex and I ended things I called my SO. I wanted to know where he was, what he had been doing and how his life was. I didn't know where he would be or if he'd answer but I just had this strange need to know. I hoped I would find him happy but I was also aware that I could not find him at all. Either way I needed to try so I did and I found him. He was still living with SD5's BM but had made arrangements to move out of her parents house. He was uncomfortable living there and she did not have any intention of moving out anytime soon. She was also drinking quite regularly and he has not touched alcohol since he got out of rehab. He did not bring my SS11 to SD5's BM's house because SS11 was very uncomfortable and SD5's BM made it clear she did not have any intention of integrating SS11 into their lives. This was very difficult for my SO who had decided to move in with a friend. He was very afraid of what this change would mean for SD5 and was dragging his feet. He had lived in the basement, slept on a couch and lived out of trash bags for a little over a year with the exception of a period of time where he was on an extended work trip. The way he described it was "I don't feel like I'm SD5's Dad so much as I am a puppet for them to present this happy little family to the world. I'm not happy and I have no say in my daughter's life." This is about the time I entered the picture. I have very clear morals, you don't cheat, you don't lie. My SO and I kept it platonic until things we're officially ended with SD5's BM. I'm not that kind of person. I provided an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on for about 2 weeks. I listened to him weigh the pro's and con's, I watched him cry over how hard this would be on SD and SD's BM. I comforted him but I let him make his own decisions. I also had put the final nail in my ex's coffin as he was having second thoughts about our "break" and I wasn't about to be emotionally dragged through the mud while he figured out if he could do better, especially after 3 years of doing everything I could to make our relationship work and being put through an emotional roller coaster of my own.

After that I saw him everyday. He would come over and stay the night. After a few weeks and some serious discussions my SS11 came over to visit. My SS11 is the easiest going kid there is. He's talkative friendly and can ask 80 million questions in 3 seconds flat. We've always been chill since day one and it continues to this day. He's my bff. He also likes to tell everyone at the gas station that I like Justin Bieber (which I do not!). Anyway, we're thick as thieves and he's amazing. I could not ask for a better step kid. He respects me, he listens to me, he accepts me and he comes to me with things he feels like he can't talk to anyone else about. Things are thoroughly good in this department-and I realize not everyone is so lucky. We were seeing him every weekend, now he lives with us Monday-Friday. We'll get to all of that.

Not too long after that I found out I was pregnant. We both were aware that I had just gotten back on birth control and it hadn't been long enough for it to work. We didn't care and now we have a hilariously lively little diva who keeps us busy.

So months go by. SO tries to work out a visitation schedule with SD's BM who would not allow him to visit his daughter outside of the home. Mind you, there are no custody orders for EITHER of my stepchildren. Only paternity has been put through court. They had agreed on a set amount of child support when he moved out and he was willing to pay her, however if she did not allow him to see SD he would not pay her. SD's BM refused to talk to my SO about anything BUT money. She said anything else he will have to communicate through her mother because she didn't want anything to do with him. After a few very awkward and draining attempts at visitation, the verbal abuse and threats began. SD's BM would tell my SO that he was nothing but a drug addict sperm donor and SD was better off without him. SD's BM and my SO met because they BOTH we're doing drugs. SD's BM did drugs at the beginning of her pregnancy but got help-she also refuses to move out of her parents house because it's "her safe haven". Which baisically just means she doesn't have to stress about paying rent or heat or whatever because it's taken care of. Her "household contribution" is her Food Stamps. So, for her to start throwing that around was incredibly unfair. She also informed him that SD had began calling her new boyfriend "Daddy" and she wasn't going to do anything to stop it. I could go on for days she would send 10-20 texts at 2:30am at least 2-3 times per week. And then about 5 months later, when she found out about me, whoa. It started all over again except I was fat and ugly and I (who has never touched a drug in my life) was a crack whore. Well, then I guess I was a crack whore with credentials, a degree and a helluva career to boot. Go me. Care at all I did not. It was what she was doing to my SO's confidence that was really starting to bother me. He started saying things like "maybe she [SD] is better off without me, I can't offer her what they can". He started crying at the mention of her name. He started lying to me telling me, he had tried to go see her but BM or BM's mother did not respond.

After a few months of this the texts slowed down. I talked with SO about SD occasionally and one night I checked his phone. BM's Mother had tried getting a hold of him to have him visit in a mutual spot (BM's mom is a wonderful lady who was not aware of what had gone on)and talk about things. I confronted my SO that next night about it because, A.) things may get worse before they get better but that's your child dammit and she deserves to know you love her and B.) what the hell? thanks for lying to me. He did begin to open up lines of communication with BM's mother at this point. But he wasn't consistent about it and even though it had become a regular conversation, the situation was stagnant.

SD's BM sent me a friend request on Facebook about a month later. My first thought was "oh hell no I don't need this too". But then again, fortune favors the bold. I asked her if this was "friendly fire" and she said that it was. That was the beginning of my relationship with SD's BM. We talked about what had gone on the past 8 months, where we had been, where he and been and what had happened. She thanked me for the explanation that I didn't have to offer and gave me her own. She said that after he left she began drinking more and would get angry and take it out on my SO. She also informed me that she had realized this and had been sober for a few months. We began communicating about SO visiting SD and how we could make this work. I talked to SO, showed him the messages and things have been on the up and up for them since. They communicate MUCH better and are now at a point where they can co-exist at t-ball games. SO still visits SD at BM's parents home where she lives because they have kept SD's circle very small and we have discussed all of us meeting once SO and I are done renovating our new house.

So that's my SD's story. My SS's story is much different. As I said above, my SO did not know that SS existed until he was almost 4 years old. At that time in my SO's life, he took this new found fatherhood on and has played a role in my SS's life since paternity was established. However, not being the most stable person himself for sometime in addition to SD's BM not being willing to accept him in their lives for a year, SS has remained primarily in his BM's care (she just so happens not to be the most stable being on the face of the planet herself). We are not entirely sure that his Autism diagnosis is just that, or if it's because he was never properly socialized. SS's BM is convinced that an Autism Diagnosis meant that she could begin collecting SSI and when she gave me the assessment diagnosing him, which SO was not made aware of, her main question was "will it be enough to get money." I work as a case manager for people with Developmental Disabilities, so if he truly does have Autism, it's not anything that I'm not well equipped to handle as I've been in the field for almost 7 years now. However, BM has resisted and thwarted all of my efforts to stabilize her chaotic home with lies and half truths. She moves quite frequently and her goal in life is to find someone to take care of her and her now 3 children (all of which have different fathers). Recently, SO and I moved our family in with MY parents while we renovate the house next door which is set to be complete in June. Generally, I pick SS up from school on Friday and return him on Monday-I also take him whenever my schedule allows (BM usually gives me 45mins to 2 hours notice that she won't be home, can't take him, is working or whatever she's got going on. I have had to set limits with this as she was creating chaos in my life and was not allowing me to work (I work from home as a more than-full time case manager and our household requires two incomes, PLUS I worked my tush off to get where I am and I'm not about to give that up because she can't get herself together). I would take my SS whenever possible and would re-arrange what I could when I could and it just resulted in chaos and stress for me, all because she worked the overnight and did not want to get him ready for school in the morning or had made plans for that afternoon. If I can't take him she asks me to ask SO's mother, which I do, but she is currently caring for SO's grandmother who has dementia and isn't always available. We recently learned that when we don't take SS, BM's sister is next in line and he practically lives with her for days on end. BM's sister has at least 5 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment at any given time and it's not the ideal environment for my SS, and even though BM's sister is rough around the edges she does pay attention to SS and is understanding that BM is difficult to deal with. If BM does not get her way she will lie, tantrum, guilt trip and threaten-at this point we've gotten so used to it it doesn't phase anyone any more. In addition to all of this, the places that she lives do not always have running water, her electric is always being shut off and even though she lives in section 8 housing-she hasn't gotten the paperwork to have a subsidy cover some of the expense of living there. She does NOTHING to help herself. CPS was called on her last year because she left my then 9 year old SS alone while she went out to the bar. Somehow this was unfounded. Showering regularly, tooth brushing is constantly an issue. She always tells us she's not sure why he says he hasn't showered because he does and she makes sure he brushes his teeth. She also told us that he had an upcoming dentist appointment and has told us that we cannot pick him up from school on Fridays like normal because of doctor's or other appointments.

Anyway, we moved, not intending on having SS full time-however once our house is finished our plan was to file for custody and try to have him as much as possible as we have been. Shortly after our move I got a call from BM stating that CPS had been called as she recently moved herself and switched SS's school district. When the new district noticed he had been missing school (because BM did not wake up to put him on the bus, or wanted to keep him home so SO would have to pick him up so she could ask him for money or whatever)they contacted CPS for truancy. The week before this, she had informed my SO he had missed school because he was having tooth pain. She asked if he could live with us until further notice. At this point she explained she had been kicked out of where they were living and had been homeless jumping from couch to couch with my SS for two weeks. I told her that he is more than welcome to come and live with us but I want his school district changed because he attends a special program a half-hour away from 8-2 and it is in the middle of my work day. She agreed. Over the course of the next few days she gave me the run around about doing so stating that the school district he was enrolled in will have to transport him from wherever because she's homeless (not true). SO filled out the paperwork for our district and turned it in. We have informed her all along. Well, then CPS contacts SO and I to do a home visit at our house (this is typical-they always check both places) and it is scheduled. The night before SS had pulled a baby tooth that was not ready to come out-out of his head because it was bothering him. When I say the tooth was literally half gone, I mean it had mostly rotted away and you could see through it. I contacted BM to get his medical info or ask what dentist he uses because I was worried it would get infected. She refused to give it to me telling me that he had an appointment coming up that she would take him to that and if I was that concerned he could go to urgent care, since all the surrounding hospitals have his info on file. When we had our CPS visit, after the worker interviewed SS, I took him up to my grandmother's and SO and I had a private conversation with the worker about our concerns. We showed her the tooth and the correspondence from BM refusing to give us any information to get SS seen. The CPS worker said that the hospitals having his info on file is not true and expressed her own concerns based on SS's interview. She called the next day to inform SO that SS had not been to a well child visit in 2 year and a dentist in 3. She provided his Medicaid number. I called his dentist who he supposedly had an upcoming appointment with and they informed me that he was in the system but did not have an appointment scheduled and that the soonest they could see him was September. SO and I made arrangements for SS to see another dentist that week and his primary the following week. We also filed for Sole Custody. Today I got a call from SO to pick up SS from school as he had thrown up 4x since he arrived (SO had it yesterday) so I picked him up, got him all settled in at home and texted BM to let her know. Her only response was that her 2nd child had it Sunday-Monday. This comes days after mother's day where she posted statuses and photos of her other two children, but none of my SS who had planted her a flower and made her a card at school which makes me so sad for him.

At our house we have expectations, chores and we take responsibility for ourselves. I want him to stay here where he is an equal and where we pay attention to him, not just pawn him off and use his diagnoses to get attention on Facebook. I want my SD to have a relationship with her siblings and to see her father more.

I goal at having a life where these kids' mothers can come over just to say hey and we all peacefully co-exist. We to alright right now, but it's far from perfect and with those custody papers being served any day, it might just erupt.