Is he punishing me?
I just don't understand what is going on with dh. I told him last night that I wanted to make it up to ds and take him to Universal over memorial day weekend. We don't have his kids that weekend so why don't we go down. Well, he is insisting on bringing his kids!! He even called and asked bm if he could have them and of coarse she said yes! So now he is planning out a family trip and I don't want to go. He said fine just him and his kids will go then. When did I enter the twilight world? When did dh quit caring about me and what I want?
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I still have to pay for gas
I still have to pay for gas and hotel. I can swing it on my own but I was hoping he would come and we could do this together. That we could use this time to bond and bond with ds. He doesn't want that though, he wants to bring his kids.
Before I disengaged we had a
Before I disengaged we had a great time. Yeah his kids are jerks but he corrected them. Now he is pissed off at me and acting like I am being a baby!
So you want him to " bond"
So you want him to " bond" with a kid who ISN'T his... but leave his own kids at home?? lol
Would you leave your DS at home while you did some skid "bonding" at fun theme park???
Don't you have some important
Don't you have some important office work to be doing?
Not a member here needs to explain to you what's wrong with your latest scheme. Sure, leave his kids out. Bwahahaha. If you want to take your kid by yourself , do so. If DH wants to take his kids by himself , can he do so.
Happy family is over. You killed it. Now stop rubbing salt deliberately in the wounds and give the victim routine up. It's not becoming.
So we take 2 separate cars,
So we take 2 separate cars, pay double the gas and 2 hotel rooms because I chose to disengage from his kids? How is that okay? I am so over this!
I thought it would be a good
I thought it would be a good trip for the 3 of us. I didn't realize dh wouldn't see my point and insist his hellions go to. The timing is perfect since this just happened. We could have fixed this now instead of lingering feelings.
SS.
SS.
you've pretty much got it
you've pretty much got it right. She won't do anything for DH's kids, but cannot understand why he won't "bond" with her son.
His kids are horrible. Would
His kids are horrible. Would you want your step kids at Universal with you? Nope. i don't either. This was a trip my ds missed and I wanted to make it up to him. Not reward your summer school needing to attend kids trip.
It was a 3 day step kid free
It was a 3 day step kid free weekend. Timing couldn't be better. This was supposed to fix everything and he is blowing it.
I don't think he wants to fix
I don't think he wants to fix this, I don't think he feels there is anything to fix anyways.
Look, you can fix your son missing the trip for him by taking him, that's great, do that. But you cannot force someone else to basically apologize for something they don't feel they did wrong. Whether or not you feel what he did was wrong, he apparently doesn't and isn't looking to "make up for it" so just stop forcing it.
I think at this point you either need to sit down and really address this with your DH and see if this is going to continue going forward (you disengaged from his and him disengaged from yours). If it is, you two need to figure out if you're okay with that, and what that means in situations like this (emergencies). Or you just need to get over it and move on. Either way, whatever is happening now is not healthy because you're clearly dwelling on it.
Fix everything for who?
Fix everything for who?
Look, people feel differently
Look, people feel differently about their own kids vs. a stepkid.
So you think his kids are horrible, fine. He probably doesn't, even if he recognizes that they do some terrible things, he obviously still loves and cares about them, as it seems he is still involved in their lives.
How would you feel if he thought your kid was terrible and wanted to disengage, would you be okay with it? Yes, yes I know you'll tell me your kid is great and behaves and they have a great relationship. But just try to see it from his point of view, he still loves and cares about his kids, and you are sitting there telling him they are so flipping terrible that you just can't interact with them. Stop trying to force him to engage with your son, when you won't engage with his.
It's fine to disengage, and many times it helps, but you can't expect him to not do the same in return.
You wanted to take your kid
You wanted to take your kid but you didn't have enough money to pay for the trip yourself?
OP disengaged from DH's kids
OP disengaged from DH's kids because they are bad.
She refused to do a favour for DH and pick up his daughter from school when she was sick. OP admitted she was at home at the time. She could have picked her up but didn't want to.
OP's son had a trip to Universal Studios. She was supposed to drop him off at school so he could go. She had an unannounced meeting at work and couldn't make it in time so she called DH and asked if he could take her son.
DH said no, he was disengaged...(tit for tat situation).
OP dropped her phone and broke it therefore she couldn't call anyone else to take her son.
Her son missed out on his trip and OP is blaming DH.
Now it seems she wants her DH to reengage with her son, but doesn't want to reengage with DH's kids by going to Universal Studios without his kids only hers... :?
I think that is the story in short!
I thought that it would help
I thought that it would help heal the anger I had for dh and ds and dh could bond and help them. Stupid me for thinking of my family first over his kids.
His kids ARE FAMILY TO HIM!
His kids ARE FAMILY TO HIM! How do you not get that?
You want to take a family trip and to you your family includes your DS and DH. Well your DH has a different idea of what his family is, so you just need to accept that.
MY FAMILY. I said MY FAMILY.
MY FAMILY. I said MY FAMILY. My family no longer includes his kids. It wasn't a fun spur of the moment trip idea for everyone. This was supposed to be a trip to make up to ds. That is how I told him. That is how this trip was supposed to be!
We shouldn't be taking
We shouldn't be taking separate trips! That is the entire point of this post!
^^^^^ THIS
^^^^^ THIS
That isn't right. Either my
That isn't right. Either my son is family of dh is not. We agreed to this before we married that he would be a father figure to my son.
You changed the 'rules'. He
You changed the 'rules'. He isn't going to play Daddy to your son while you shun his own kids.
Maybe he's hoping to heal the
Maybe he's hoping to heal the anger he has for you, and he wants to bring his daughter so she'll bond with you, stupid him for thinking about his family first.
Cute. Thanks for kicking me
Cute. Thanks for kicking me when I am struggling.
Thank you. I understand some
Thank you. I understand some people feel I took it to far but they do not know his dd. I thought and still do think that I was right to disengage from his kids.
And that's fine, but the man
And that's fine, but the man you married obviously disagrees.
Yes. He is punishing you. And based on his behavior around this I would expect him to keep "punishing" you until you give in and either fully engage again or you file for divorce.
Your H is seems way less worried about your marriage than about winning. What is your priority and what are you willing to give? If your marriage to this man is your priority then you may have to engage to live with any semblance of peace. If your priority is your kid having a decent life and not becoming collateral damage you might want to shift your focus. Think about what you want. What you need for your kid. Then think about what your H has Shown you he is willing to give. Do they intersect? If not, cut your losses. If they do then go to therapy and stop trying to force your H to Bond with Your kid.
I am thick. I get it. I see
I am thick. I get it. I see his logic. I just don't understand why he won't just let me have my way on this! He hurt me. He cut me deep. This is a way he could make it up to me and he is refusing. I really don't get it. He is supposed to love me.
And you don't think telling
And you don't think telling him you don't want to be around his kids or help his kids didn't hurt him?
I could cry! You get it.
I could cry! You get it. Everything you said was 100 percent spot on.
I agree that she is trying to
I agree that she is trying to end it. But, I think she is going about it all wrong. OP, the last thing your DH wants to hear right now is that you want to go on a "family" weekend without his kids. Obviously, he is angry that you disengaged. He is now on a mission to hurt and/or anger you. I guarantee that he saw your offer to go to Universal this weekend as a way to punish you further.
I get that you are trying to end this war. But my question is: why do you want too? Why stay married to a man who doesn't care that he punished your son to hurt you? Why stay married to a man who has done nothing but show that he cares nothing for your feelings?
I just don't get why you would continue to lay on the ground so he can keep kicking you. It makes no sense.
Truthfully I think marriages
Truthfully I think marriages are supposed to be about teamwork. Neither of them is willing to change. I just don't understand why someone would lay down and repeatedly get kicked. It seems to me that they would both be better off without each other. I really don't buy this situation. The more I read about it, the more I think this is fake or the OP likes to play the victim.
If she were trying to end the
If she were trying to end the war, she wouldn't have a problem with including his kids.
What's trying to do is get her husband to move past this BUT keep the same rules in place. She will disengage from his kids whIle he plays super daddy to her son.
Unfortunately for her, this man isn't a weak, @-$% whipped punk. He's willing to play by the rules the OP implements, but he will make sure the rules apply to all of the kids, not just his.
Okay I think you might be a
Okay I think you might be a little dense. You tell us that you have absolutely no interest in bonding with your skids and HE needs to accept that. Okay fine. But why can't you accept that he has absolutely no interest in bonding with his skid (your ds) and he wants you to accept that? Lady it's a two way street and you can't be mad about it. He's keeping to the standard YOU created. I'm sure you'll say "oh but HIS kids are horrible" again, well maybe your kid is to him and his kids are to you? Every parent has rose-tinted glasses when it comes to their own kids so he might actually have been "dealing" with your son until you told him you weren't going to deal with his anymore.
My son wouldn't be alive if
My son wouldn't be alive if he acted like his kids. Dh agreed to be a father figure to my son before we married. Ds has a dad but he lives far away. Dh is the first man I introduced ds to. I was clear on what I expected and he agreed. No not be his dad but be a father figure.
And I'm sure your husband
And I'm sure your husband thought your agreement "for better or for worse" included being around his kids...I'm not opposed to your disengagement nor am I'm saying his kids aren't truly bad' I'm saying you can't parade around claiming disengagement them get mad when someone's doing it to your kid. Your suggestion to go to Disney for memorial weekend wasn't just about making it up to your son, you were also trying to make things right with your husband and that blew up in your face when he also wanted to take his kids. You are making two problems into one. 1. You are the reason your son missed his trip and you are responsible for making it up to him. 2. You are the reason your husband doesn't want to play dad to your kid anymore and the only way to change that is to change your relationship with his kids. You have three options; re-engage (don't recommend if they're so horrible), accept his new relationship with your son as "mom's husband", or leave. But I think you know this and just want justification for your actions and lack of acceptance of the inevitable.
This is a way he could make
This is a way he could make it up to me and he is refusing. I really don't get it. He is supposed to love me.
And how can you make it up to him, that you refused to help him out and pick up his very sick child from school? I'm pretty sure that hurt him.
Why can't you ladies see that
Why can't you ladies see that this person just keeps making fun of all of you and everything you write here about?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
yup
Hahaha this cracked me up!
Hahaha this cracked me up! Damn that autoscroll
I've never tried creative
I've never tried creative writing - not even in college. But I think I could come up with something better than this if I tried.
I'm waiting to see what
I'm waiting to see what happens in the next chapter...
Of course he is. You need to
Of course he is. You need to find a man who is a doormat and doesn't expect equality on both sides. Or at least one who isn't vindictive about your choices.
I am pretty sure this one and
I am pretty sure this one and black hole are one and the same. Very similar templates.
I rarely say this but this
I rarely say this but this chick is out of her goddamn ever loving mind.
The reality of your
The reality of your situation:
1. You asked dh to be father figure to your son. He agreed in order be in a relationship with you.
2. You can't stand his kids and are completely disengaged.
3. Your husband doesn't like the disengagement from his kids.
4. Your husband is now not acting like a father figure to your kid, because a father isn't going to punish his real kid to spite his wife
So.:: your options.
1. You tell him you don't like that he isn't keeping up with his saying he would be a father figure. He agrees and says he doesn't want to now, therefore you divorce.
2. You re engage with his kids, you become resentful. You divorce.
3. You keep on disengageing from his kids, he treats yours like you treat his. You are both resentful, you divorce.
Or 4...
4. You both grow up, you treat all kids with respect, but have little emotional investment with each other's kids. You both accept that, and maybe you stay married a while longer.
It doesn't matter what a group of Internet stepmoms say. Your sh did what he wanted, you don't like it. You can accept it and you all go. Or you don't and you both take separate trips.
Probably a-quarter past
Probably a-quarter past whatever time you stopped caring about what he wanted.
Apparently I'm the one in the
Apparently I'm the one in the Twilight Zone since I inexplicably keep reading the same nonsense over and over.
THERE'S A MAN ON THE WING OF THE PLANE!!!!!!!!
My "puppy" just turned 9 two
My "puppy" just turned 9 two weeks ago and all of a sudden he is "old" and not a puppy anymore.
This is about as relevant as most of this thread.
OP... I'm disengaged from my
OP... I'm disengaged from my DH's daughters. But, not to the point of not helping out if one of his girls was at school and sick. This is why......
This happened with DH's youngest daughter when she was 13 or 14. She got sick at school. BM couldn't leave work to get her because BM was afraid of her boss at the time. DH couldn't get her because he was on the other side of the metro doing a large customer job that had a deadline. He called me in a panic. I work from home so of course I said I'd get her and take care of her until one of the parents can do the care giving.
That's what you do for a sick child. That's what you do to ease your husbands mind. That's what people do to keep a marriage healthy and happy. We have each others backs.
I hope you learned a valuable lesson. You need to apologize to your husband. You need to redefine, for yourself, what disengagement means to you. If you refuse to help him out in a pinch, I'm not surprised he retaliated.
Disengaging is a delicate balancing act at times.
Wishing you luck as you try to piece your marriage back together.