What is my role?!
I really don't know and I am someone that likes things all nicely laid out so I know what is expected of me.
My BF never definitively answers when I ask what he expects from me. He jokingly compares me to both Cinderella and Mary Poppins! He has said that he knows it is a difficult situation (high conflict / guilt tripping / obsessive BM) but that he appreciates my support.
The children are with us full time now (temporary court order) pending investigations. The children are seeing their mum at set times and this is supervised.
I don't really know what my role is in the family or if I even have a role as my BF and I are not married.
I am such a worrier though and worry that I will let everyone down now the kids are here all the time or that I will over step my role or not do enough or say the wrong stuff. I am reading a couple of parenting books at the moment.
I am just so scared as the kids seem to be craving attention and reassurance right now and I don't want to let them or my partner down.
It would be so much easier with a set of rules that everyone followed!
I know that the children have a mum and love her. At the same time I have been doing "mum" stuff way before this latest drama where the courts became involved.
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What would you like your role
What would you like your role to be? Really, it's up to you, how much you take on.
Personally, I would tell you to tread carefully. I'm sure your BF was just joking when he said somewhere between Cinderella and Mary Poppins but, neither would be a good role. I think you know why.
How about just being a caring adult who is there for them but, who doesn't allow herself to become everyone's doormat in the process? Get in sync with BF about his parenting style and ALWAYS stand as a UNITED FRONT towards BM and the kiddos. Keep the lines of communication open and be honest with him and yourself, while you navigate this life together. Realize that things won't always be easy but, they don't always have to be hard either. Make rules, learn and teach good boundaries. Take your time. This isn't a race, it's a journey.
The kids think the Mary
The kids think the Mary Poppins thing is pretty funny but they are quite .... I guess protective of me.
I don't really know what I want my role to be. I don't want to go in all guns blazing then realise it was too much for me - I think stepping back would hurt the kids.
We are pretty good - we don't bad mouth BM here but do correct her lies. And both kids have been upset by the stuff that their mum says about their dad and about me too. Luckily they don't seem to believe it but they don't feel able to speak up to their mum.
She's been reading quite a
She's been reading quite a few books, (Going by her other blogs.) I'm thinking she's looking for solid information from those who are living this life. Also, I believe she is stepping very softly so as not to create any extra drama. Plus she isn't sure where she stands in all of this as she is in a new(ish) relationship but, not married to the Bio-dad. Lot's of backstory here.
I am stepping softly but
I am stepping softly but worry that the kids need more than that from me. I don't want them to think that I don't care about them or that I am being distant.
My BF is supportive and appreciates what I do and also makes sure to give me time to get on with stuff like my coursework. But this current situation is new to us both. He has done the majority of the parenting anyway since the divorce years before I met him but I have no kids, not much experience with kids and have never lived full time with kids.
There is a lot of drama and emotional manipulation from the ex towards the kids and they struggle with that. Especially his daughter.
Routine basis ...we tend to
Routine basis ...we tend to split tasks. Cooking is mostly my BF, cleaning is mostly me, laundry is shared. I tend to make the packed lunches. We both help with homework - I am bad at Maths so he helps with that! We both read to the kids (they are 10 and 14 but the 10 year old started asking about a month ago when the drama started here) and we tend to do joint trips and days out. Sometimes we split activities by gender so he will kick a ball about with his son and I will shop or craft with his daughter. I bake with both.
We both work and both work shifts but his is a rolling shift pattern and mine is fixed. We have been together for almost 2.5 years, I met the kids after 4 months and we had tea together a few times then I was there for days out then (when they were comfortable) I started sleeping over. That was when I had known the kids about 2.5 months. I moved in 5 months after I met the kids and they were excited about it.
I guess I see it as they are
I guess I see it as they are his kids and he has been doing the bulk of the parenting himself so I don't want to step on his toes or jump in and takeover.
I like spending time with them but do sometimes need a little break. Just to read or potter about or something. I feel guilty about it but he tells me I am being daft and that I need that time.
I found it tricky right from
I found it tricky right from the start as the kids have a mum but she doesn't do mum stuff or seem all that interested in it. She saw the kids for 2 hours last night supervised and was on her phone the majority of the time but brought them gifts.
I don't think my BF would let me take over or even want me to. I know he is relieved that the girl talk / issues now tends to be my area.
I find it hard because they have a mum who doesn't seem super interested in them (she talks a good talk on FB about them being her whole world but the day to day practicalities don't seem to be her thing) but they seem to be craving attention. Both from my BF and from me. They both seem to feel settled here and did spend a lot of time here anyway but the drama and everything must be getting to them in some way.
She didn't buy them much
She didn't buy them much before it went to supervised contact. I am not sure about BM's own mother - she seems pretty normal but a bit overbearing. BM is either dictator, best friend or totally disinterested.
Food stuff with the kids (like a chocolate bar before bed) I would probably answer myself. Sleepovers I refer back to my partner even if he is on nights and the kids friends would be staying with me here.
I have literally no experience with children other than when I actually was one myself.
I do those basic things for
I do those basic things for them. With us both working shifts sometimes when the kids are here my BF might be on a 14 hour shift. Although I am used to having the kids on my own as BM would drop them off 8 hours early when my BF was at work.
Finances aren't joint but he pays all the bills. I pay food, trips, emergencies, treats and additional kid stuff. Especially now there is court costs that he is paying for.
We split chores pretty evenly and pick up the slack when the other is working. I am fussier about the cleaning though.
The kids (especially his daughter) come to me for a chat or for help with stuff. His daughter is a worrier too. She sometimes finds it hard to start the conversation with her dad (she doesn't always explain what she means well and gets muddled) so I tend to be the middle man. Then they usually have a really good talk.
The kids do read to us and by
The kids do read to us and by themselves. I don't know if it is a need for attention or comfort at bedtime?
I have been teaching them to bake for quite a while and my BF has had them help with cooking. It is something to put more effort into though as we do tend to do the laundry and making beds and all that. They will help when asked. His daughter is good at sorting laundry and putting it away and generally has a good attitude to helping out. His son tends to want to be out with his friends!
They are both good (his
They are both good (his daughter more so) at bringing their washing to the wash basket.
I have never had that happen but they have plenty of everything here and both are in charge of keeping their own drawers tidied.
I would probably do the laundry for them?! Maybe - it has never happened! If I am going to do a wash I tend to get them to double check their rooms for any washing but I don't go looking for dirty clothes.
^^^^^I so like this
^^^^^I so like this advice^^^^^
I thought co parenting was
I thought co parenting was something between mum and dad?!
We never had a proper discussion about it. It just sort of happened - the kids were so open to me and just accepted me straight off. That did cause issues as BM did not like it at all. She decided that everything I did with the kids was a dig at her then, rather than doing more with them herself, she would "ban" them from being alone with me. This tended to happen when her friends commented that the kids spent more time with me than her. The ban never lasted long though as she would want them looking after when my BF was working.
I haven't read that one - I will look it up on Amazon.
OK. How do YOU feel about
OK. How do YOU feel about this situation? Is it too much for you? Can you see yourself in this for the long haul?
These are questions only you can answer for yourself. I think once you figure all of that out, your role will become more clear.
You're not their mother. They already have one. Even if she's a worthless POS. No matter how badly she treats them, manipulates them, or let's them down.... she will always get a clean slate from them. That's just how the maternal bond is.
Never talk about the BM. You can listen but, make no comments of your own. This could create big trouble especially with a high conflict BM.
If you're expected to pitch in, then you should have some say in what the house rules are. Discuss expectations and decide what proper boundaries you'll ALL have moving forward. Never do more than the bi-parent. Leave all disciplinary actions to the bios. (Unless your health and safety depend on any split second decision by you.)
Give them as much attention, love, or caring that you feel comfortable with but, keep some space reserved just for you. Or you and BF. A relationship has to be allowed to grow or it will wither and die. (Just read some of the stories on here and you'll see what I'm talking about.)
It sounds to me like you've really been trying here, so be easy on yourself. Breathe. Most of all, accept now, that everyone will make mistakes. It's just human nature.
Yeah, you came with your own
Yeah, you came with your own personal 'motherly' experiences, which helped greatly to define your role. OP is bio-free and an unmarried SM in this situation. The good part is, her BF seems to be hands on, and that alone, can make all the difference in the world.
AMEN! I was married to a
AMEN! I was married to a Disney Dad. He's barely a speck in my rear view mirror now, LMAO!
I have been reading about
I have been reading about Disney dads on this site - I couldn't cope with that!
Yep, that is some scary stuff
Yep, that is some scary stuff there. Listen, read about it.... get to know the symptoms... immunize your BF.... and you should be just fine, LOL!
Seriously, don't cross that bridge before you have to. Sounds like your BF isn't one of those types.
Reading on here has made me
Reading on here has made me realise how lucky I am. Neither of us are perfect but we back each other up and, even though my BF doesn't really discuss feelings, I know he appreciates what I do. Plus he will ask my opinion on house / kid stuff.
I think we need to make a real effort to have time alone together as we don't get much of that.
We tend to run plans by each
We tend to run plans by each other with us both working shifts. Him more than me as him going out means I have the kids so he tends to check first. Not that either of us goes out a lot!
I do like spending time with the kids and I want to support and encourage them. It is a nice feeling when his daughter says she trusts me or his son wants to spend time baking with me.
Here's my 2 cents since I was
Here's my 2 cents since I was kind of in your position.
Great news that your BF appreciates your input and that his kids "like" you. No two situations are going to be the same. Even with the best partner and kids, if there is a problem BM, there will be stress. I sometimes say that I am not sure I would do it all if I knew what it was going to involve going in. AND I say that with two pretty normal, grown, young adult SD's who we don't support, aren't on drugs etc... It's hard because in the end, no matter how much drama mamma causes or how much she lets them down, she is their mother and they will love her. It doesn't mean they won't care for you but you probably always be 2nd to her and that can hurt especially if you have been the one to do so much for them.
It's great that your BF includes you on decisions too. That is a good sign. My DH told me that his kids wouldn't always be "FIRST" that we would all be priorities and we would all have needs at different times that took precedent.
You definitely do need to make sure you can have some getaway time too. We took the girls on vacay but also took trips with just the two of us. Hopefully her parents or your BF's can pitch in every now and again to make that happen.
The kids both say that they
The kids both say that they love me - they haven't been told to say it or anything. When introducing me to people my BF's daughter calls me dad's girlfriend but his son calls me step mum.
The BM definitely causes stress. I had never met someone so entitled and willing to lie and hurt others to get what she wanted.
I expect to be second to their mum. I just wish she hadn't damaged them. My BF's daughter especially seems to think that love is conditional so we are working on that. Both seem pretty clear that BF and I are reliable and keep our promises.
Getting the kids looked after is tricky as BM's mum is in on the emotional blackmail and BF's parents aren't in the best health. We have some daytimes though when we are both off work and the kids are at school.
I understand. Both my my DH's
I understand. Both my my DH's kids have some of their mom's traits. Not all of it is bad but some is not good at all. All we could do was be consistent with them to try to offset the promise and fail circle BM created for them.
That's the thing is they are a product of 2 people and they may have some of their mom in them just naturally. But, all you can do is care about them and try to make sure they are safe and stable with you and BF.
I don't know if it is that
I don't know if it is that they have her traits but they have seen that she screams and swears and makes threats and gets her own way, always wins, never takes responsibility and gets away with everything. Not a healthy lesson for them.
I love those kids and they, his daughter especially, are so much more settled now. Contact with their mum is up and down. Sometimes they have a good time and see other family too which they enjoy but other times they want to come home early as the nasty comments about us upset them.
BM refused to allow her
BM refused to allow her daughter to have counselling and managed to scare her (by saying she would have to be careful what she said or would get taken into care) so now she doesn't want it. We are working on emphasising the positives of counselling so we can get them the help they need.
With the court stuff being on going we are being careful not to provide ammunition to the other side. Not that they are above lying and guilt tripping anyway.
I am not a short term sort of
I am not a short term sort of girl!
My BF and I got serious pretty fast but didn't want to jump ahead and meet the kids fast. Plus I think it was good to have that time to get to know each other alone. Especially as in recent months we don't get that much alone time. It is normally during school time and then we just end up doing chores or supermarket shopping! Evening dates are a rarity.
The clean slate thing ...... I try to understand it. But it still seems crazy to me to keep going back to someone who speaks to them badly and treats them badly. And it is all so inconsistent. It must be confusing for them. I think BM has gone too far with her daughter now and she has said she doesn't trust her mum any more and feels like she can't rely on her.
I do get a say in house stuff - when the kids want friends to sleep over or stay for tea. I tend to refer big things back to their dad and I only discipline if he is not here. Even then if it is something bigger I refer to him first.
It feels like a bit of a balancing act!
It really is a balancing act.
It really is a balancing act.
Hopefully your parenting styles are similar, because that really makes things more solid and beneficial for all involved. As for the BM and her treatment of the kids... well even a dog will lick the hand of it's abuser. Loyalty is a funny thing.
Actually the more you open up and share with us, the more I think... stop worrying so much, you got it all under control! LOL.
I am a serious worrier! I
I am a serious worrier!
I think our styles are pretty similar. I am probably stricter but he isn't lax or anything. If he is working nights I tend to be more firm about bedtimes whereas he will give a little extra time. Also they don't tend to play me up or back chat me and I don't shout. I read my parenting books and try to apply it whereas he has the confidence of actually being their parent.
Hopefully the loyalty has a limit somewhere when the kids talk to the court about what they want.
I figured that my baseline
I figured that my baseline responsibility was to help make sure they didn't die or sustain life threatening injuries when they were with us. haha.
So, I basically gave myself the "power" that you would give a babysitter. I could make sure they were fed and do that kind of stuff but no discipline beyond yanking them from a danger or sending to room until their dad could deal with it.
It sounds like the kids are a little adrift due to issues with the mom. You don't ever get to put her down, just say things like "oh that must be so hard for you. Oh, that seems like she really tries doesn't it?" etc..
Other than that, be nice to the kids and follow your BF's lead on what he wants from you. However, you have to be careful because some guys naturally abdicate the kid responsibility to "the woman" and in your current status, that isn't fair to you or his kids. Make him be a parent too.
The only times he tends to
The only times he tends to abdicate is relating to girl stuff or if his daughter is really emotional or worried as I tend to play middle man then and find out what is wrong and then her dad talks to her.
I read (online somewhere) about not discussing the person or the incident but more discussing how it made them feel - that is what I try to do. I do have to bite my tongue sometimes when they come home full of promises.
Adrift is probably the right word for them. His son isn't really talking about what is going on but his daughter is. It was like a dam burst in her and all these fears and worries came pouring out. Stuff that her mum had said and done and how scared she sometimes felt. She has said that she feels safe and loved here though.
My BF doesn't mind at all -
My BF doesn't mind at all - in fact he is happy as he said it was confusing as there is a choice of about 50 products!
I don't have any bio kids and
I don't have any bio kids and my DH's EX was the queen of promises and then the queen of disappointments!
She would promise the girls extra fun things like trips to see cousins or shopping sprees that just happened to land on my DH's weekends. So, we would end up juggling the schedule, and inevitably the lady would fall short on her promise. If he said NO, the girls come with me, the girls would be upset thinking they missed something. In reality, she rarely followed through. She may have even thought she would actually do the things, but is horrible at follow through.
I would bite my tongue and try to not say negative things. The closest I would ever get is tell the girls that their mom has a harder time with things because she doesn't have an education and that if she did,she could get a better job than she is currently qualified to do.
I skip the fact that she lied about being a nurse when she met DH and actually has flopped out of various things like real estate after getting licensed and never following through. The lady works harder at getting a job, but can't keep one. haha
Some of the comments that BM
Some of the comments that BM has made about me.... I have really had to bite my tongue. Like when I baked with the kids and she was made a really sarcastic comment about me being lucky I had time to bake. Astonished by that one as I work and she doesn't so sometimes I get in from work after a long shift and still make time for the kids. I remember doing a 12 hour shift then coming home to make Christmas cards.
She makes promises (and bribes at the moment as she wants them back living with her) and they have always seemed to believe her. She spent all one Summer promising them a trip to the beach but never did it.
"oooh Girls, we are going to
"oooh Girls, we are going to go have a shopping spree when I get my Tax Money:)"
You know I am not sure if they really are lying or are just so wishful thinking that they have themselves believing their own crap.
It was just something she
It was just something she could promise them and it never happened...ever! She also promised theme park trips and outerbanks and all sorts of other things.
My MIL said that one time when kids were living with her (before I met DH he worked out of town and so his mom had them). BM calls MIL and says she wants the girls so MIL packs them up and drives an hour up the road. They meet in a parking lot and mama gets out and says.."ooooh girls, I love you but mommy can't take you today" and then she left and the girls cried all the way home.. Tragic
I hate the BM for what she did to my DH, I hate the fact that she had any of his time but I also hate the things she has done to her girls.
It is hurtful stuff. Like
It is hurtful stuff.
Like when BM promised her daughter a girl night just the two of them but then her boyfriend was there - poor girl ended up in her room alone.
Or when they were due to go back to their mum's on Monday night - text middle of the day saying she can't have them back that night and was busy. Every day she said she would have them back, promised them takeaways and a film that night and then changed her mind midday. They eventually went back on Sunday night. When they asked what she was so busy with it was with her boyfriend or that she was tired and needed a break.