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To lie or not to lie

Countrymom's picture

When a stepkid asks you if you love them (or tells you that they love you), or if you’ll miss them or if you like them, etc, do you lie and say yes or do you tell the truth, or at least a nicer version of the truth?

My SS6 has told me he loved me before and I lied and said it back to him. He’s asked me if I liked him, which I do not, but I told him I like him when he’s not being mean, whining or complaining all the time, which hardly ever happens. He asked his dad last night if he’s fun to be with and DH said pretty much the same thing, that he is fun to be with when he’s not whining or being mean.

I am a terrible liar and hate lying or being lied to, so I have to tell him some semblance of the truth. I had a hard time saying I loved him back but would have felt worse if I ignored him. Just curious what others say/do when confronted by steps…

Comments

Maxwell09's picture

At six years old he doesn't know how obnoxious he seems so no, I would not tell a six year old that I don't like him. I agree with another poster who suggested just answering his question with another question. If anything he'll answer those questions and you might start to see what he considers "love". SS4 has a bad habit of telling me he loves me or flattering me right after I give him something he wants (like playing xbox as soon as he wakes up). I tell him "that's not what love is" and I explain to him what love means to me and what it should mean to him. There are other times he tells me he loves me randomly which I encourage and respond to but I've raised him more than both his parents put together unfortunately so it would be kind of heartless if I didn't feel something for a child I've raised since before he was one.

BethAnne's picture

I did lie at first. My husband asked me too. He knew I didn't love my sd then (and was ok with that) but asked me to reciprocate when she started telling me she loved me or missed me or whatever. He felt it was important for her to feel accepted. I did it for him. It did feel awkward at first, but I did at least like her on the whole. I do love her now so can say it truthfully these days.

It is up to you what to say on the love front, but remembering that for him love is not yet a fully formed construct in his mind but something people close to you say. I would also avoid saying you do not like him outright but if saying you like him is not an option for you, you could try to pick out somethings about him that you do like. if you wanted you could then temper it with a 'but I find it frustrating when you do...,because I know you are a good boy really.' Positive reinforcement can work wonders.

Countrymom's picture

Thanks for your comments, I will definitely try asking him questions in response instead!