I'm not proud
Hello All! I've been simmering in a problem lately. Here it is:
I married my high school sweetheart when I was 22. We broke up for a couple of years after hi and got back together after I came home on leave from the Air Force. By the time we got back together he had already been married and divorced and had a baby on the way with this ex. So, I knew what I was getting into. 16 years later, my husband finally starts building a relationship with this child. We even drove to another state so he could meet her. I was the one who suggested the trip and meet up. Here is the rub. My husband could not understand why I didn't want to go with him to meet her. I am not jealous of this poor kid - I just need to adjust. I told my husband that he needs to build a relationship with this child before he tries to bring me in. Also, I had to listen to him go on about his ex for hours after the meet and greet.
His daughter invited him to her graduation. Awesome!... and he wants me to come with him - did I tell you it is a six hour drive. There is not a bone in my body that wants to go to the graduation much less drive a total of 12 hours for the pleasure.
My husband is soo happy about connecting to his daughter and he should be. But I am struggling to keep logic over emotions. I don't want to cause anyone hard feelings - the situation is hard enough. But at the same time, I don't want to be a part of it. I sit quietly and smile although inside I just want to run away from it.
I wish I could jump on the happy go lucky train with everyone else. Am I awful for not wanting to play an active role in this yet? Is my husband being inconsiderate for pressuring me to join him in these visits? He might just be trying to make me feel included - but I'm not ready to be included.
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Comments
She's an adult (or nearly
She's an adult (or nearly adult) stranger that you have zero ties to. Shoot I wouldn't drive 6 hours to go to my cousin's daughter's graduation, and I adore her.
Being supportive of your DH's time with his daughter is more than enough. No reason for you to go traipsing across the country to go visit a stranger when you have better things to do.
When you do eventually meet her you may find that you like her and may even enjoy spending time with her. Or not. Time will tell.
Why has he not been involved
Why has he not been involved in this child's life for this long? Did her mom hide her, or was it his choice?
Regardless, you are entitled to feel however you feel about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be in the picture. I think maybe your husband wants you to go to support him if he feels awkward or uncomfortable (which he should, if this situation is by his choice...how do you explain to your child that you CHOSE to not be in their life that long?).
Did he just find out about
Did he just find out about this 16 year old? I'm confused?
I totally understand what you are saying though. A step parent's level of excitement is rarely going to be at the same level as that of the bio parent. It just isn't normal or natural... ESPECIALLY if the skid is a stranger!
I love the movie ELF. It's hilarious and I must watch it 100 times at Christmas time. But I'm always stumped at the part, where the dad comes home and tells his wife that he has an adult son and she's all excited for him and can't wait to meet him. I don't know, maybe I'm just a jerk or maybe that's just the usual Hollywood fluff in regards to step families?
BUDDY? stepson? I don''t get
BUDDY? stepson? I don''t get it...
Thanks for your comments. It
Thanks for your comments. It was my husband's choice not to be involved. He paid child support the whole time. The mother remarried. My husband said she is manipulative and spiteful. He tried to visit his daughter before, but said the mom made it difficult. He didn't want to spend money on legal fees to get full custody. I think he wanted to keep to mom out of his life which meant (to him) his daughter was out of his life.
---My part was to let him know that I was willing to take this child in. I didn't push b/c its not my kid.
Now, the mother was removed from the home by the police (drugs) and the daughter found my husband on Facebook. The daughter lives with her half brothers and step-dad. The step-dad is an underwriter for a bank and even has a college fund for the girl.
I don't agree with my husband ditching his daughter for years, but I didn't feel like I could or should force him to keep contact. He needed to step up.
I posted because I seem to be the only person who isn't over the moon. His whole family is excited and asking when she is moving in with us. I'm not even sure what to call my emotion, but it isn't what everyone seems to be feeling.
Thanks. If the ceremony was
Thanks. If the ceremony was down the street, I'd probably go.
You're probably right. I'd
You're probably right. I'd like to think I could force myself through it if it was quicker.
Wow.. this is going to be a
Wow.. this is going to be a pretty big change for your DH. I will be honest, I think that the girl is going to have some very justified feelings of abandonment towards your husband and may resent you and your daughter. I'm not saying this to scare you but it is quite likely that she may see that he abandoned her to start his 2nd family. Despite the fact that her bio mom seems to be a trainwreck, she still will have a loyalty to her and if things were bad with mom, she may even be more angry that your husband left her in a shitty situation.
That being said, I think it's 100% ok for you to tell your husband that you want to encourage him to build a relationship with his daughter but that you think it's best if it's more with him alone at first. A big deal event to her like a graduation isn't the right place for her to meet her "new" family members. I think after a couple of visits that he makes to see her that it would be good to arrange a short visit to meet you and your daughter.
I think that it's important that everyone learn more about each other before big logistical changes are made to anyone's life. For all you know, the girl has followed in mom's footsteps with drugs or other issues. She may be perfectly lovely young lady too.. but I think there is no reason why you can't personally take things more slowly and not necessarily try to push into her life.
We have a 15 year old
We have a 15 year old together. She is excited about having a sister. I have no other children and no other marriages.
Your feelings are
Your feelings are understandable. She may be his daughter but she is still a complete stranger.
I think you and your husband need to talk about why he wants you to go, if it's just so you will feel included, let him know that you are not ready for that. Nobody knows where this relationship will go and you have your daughter to think about, too.
It's cynical of me, because I've been there, but it might not work out.
Thanks. I understand your
Thanks. I understand your point
How long since he has started
How long since he has started to visit with his daughter? Is she 16 now or 16 when they first started talking? Because then you mention she is graduating.
And is the BM present now? I know you said she was removed because of drugs. Was that when she was 16 or now? (Assuming she is older now)
Not sure exactly what I
Not sure exactly what I wrote, but I guess the girl is 17 now. They just started talking over the past year. BM is out of the picture for now (or at least that's what I'm told). I don't know when the BM was removed. I get the impression it was recent.
It is understandable not
It is understandable not wanting to jump on that "happy go lucky train" after so many years of not being involved with the daughter. Your Dh is probably overjoyed to be in contact with her because he may have been carrying guilt all those years. I am not condoning his many years of not being involved - that sucks for the kid and true, there probably will be those feelings of abandonment when the newness wears off of having BD back in her life.
It is something you are going to face eventually, is Dh pressuring you because he needs your support right now? Also, consider what feelings or emotions you may have towards this girl when you do meet her and she has already bonded with your husband and you weren't a part of that.
You know I think some men
You know I think some men just need someone there to be there comfort zone. I realized this the other day at my SS4's football practice. I usually sit and watch the whole practice with DH but it was getting to hot for BS1 to be out so I took him to the car. My DH was under the impression we would come back out after a little bit but I stayed in the car for the remainder of the practice because BS1 fell asleep. He was actually angry at me. He said something like "why didn't you come back? I had to stand out there by myself and with THEM (referring to BM, her boyfriend, her cousin and cousin's mom). That's when it dawned on me, sometimes he gets anxious too and I give him a feeling of reassurance even when I don't realize it. Perhaps your DH just wants you there for the same reasons. He doesn't know this girl and he probably has no intentions of making friends with his Ex but he's out of place and wants you there.
Its funny that you mentioned
Its funny that you mentioned his ex. She had tried to contact him through Facebook a few times. Most recently, in 2015. He had not responded although she wrote pages. I'll admit that I was snooping in his FB. I was looking to see if he made definite plans with his BD so I could reserve a hotel room nearby. I knew they were messaging on FB and took a look..
Later his ex came up in conversation and he told me she hasn't tried to contact him in 10 years. I'm sure he was trying to spare me grief - but the lie bugged me.
I think you should address
I think you should address the resentment of him lying to you, even to spare you, before you talk to him about other things. This is the kind of thing that would fester badly and possibly tear apart a marriage if let go for too.
Lying by omission is a hard line for me and I would view it as a breach of my trust, so it would make me less likely to want to support him, since it feels like he has no consideration for my need that he is truthful. It would give me anxiety that I don't know the whole situation he is putting me in, and so I can see why it would make you reluctant to put yourself in there--the best you feel like you can do then, is to not get in the way, because you're hurt he wouldn't tell you his ex contacted you.
Hugs, this is hard. He may have thought he did the right thing by not telling you, so I would set the record straight with him that you would like to know and that he's actually hurting your marriage if he omits these things.
This. You know what I'm going
This. You know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow? Going on a 5 hour trip with DH so he can take his final to pass this online course. He begged me to go with him even though I am not interested in going to the middle of nowhere with a 3 year old toddler in tow (I've been tutoring him in this course as well so he feels like if he has any last minute questions, he can ask me). Sometimes they seriously need emotional support to not feel so alone--that's why we became partners, right?
With that said, I am in your position, just 11 years earlier. DH has never met SS, and the few times he was "given" the opportunity to, he chose not to because of the stipulations placed on the trip by BM and his family (I'm not allowed to go, BD is not allowed to go, we are not to be mentioned in case it upsets BM, he has to stay OVER AT BM'S PLACE ALONE so he can bond with the kid etc.--she has full legal and physical since they were never married and she left the state when she was pregnant.)
He said if his family (myself and BD) can't go, then he won't either. Some people may not agree with his stance, but it was his choice and his alone. I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I think if your DH was more empathetic towards your conflicting feelings, you'd be more willing to support him during this. He wants his family around him not to create a big happy family but so he can have where he feels most comfortable (with his wife) with him during something that probably gives him a lot of anxiety.
Just think about it. Turned the other way, maybe you'd like him to go and support you if you started building a relationship with an estranged parent (if you had one.) However, it is your choice and the one you make by not going is not wrong at all (and I don't want to give the impression that I think you should go--I simply think it might be one of those things where your husband might genuinely need to be with the comfort of his wife. I know DH needs me if he ever had to be in your DH's situation.)
You hit the nail on the head.
You hit the nail on the head. Hubby has not acknowledged that this could be uncomfortable for me.
Why did you suggest the trip
Why did you suggest the trip and the meet up then? I know there are many who will say just let him do it on his own but for my hub and I we did not get married to just go off and live separate lives when it came to the our kids. We do stuff with each other and for each other even if it is not our favorite thing in the world because we are husband and wife and want to be there to support one another. Doesn't mean you can't ever be apart or do things one on one bparent to kids but something like attending a graduation with him, i would.
We were already going on a
We were already going on a road trip and she lived about 90miles from our route. I suggested that we could make a detour so they could meet each other.
Going to the graduation would most likely be a 2 day trip and full immersion. I sit through graduation every spring. I enjoy seeing the students I've known for four years moving on to the next stage in their life. But otherwise, the ceremony is incredibly boring!!! I don't even know this kid. To hell with spending 12 hours in a car listening to board game podcasts and trying to pretend I'm just as excited as everyone else.