She behaves this way because he allows it. The proper thing to do, as her father and your husband, is to tell her, "Sorry, but I will not attend without my wife." No further discussion is needed.

Hopefully the counselor will help. SD27 has tried repeatedly to make her dad choose between her & I. He won't do it...she'll send text messages that say "Enjoy your new life without your daughter and grandkids", etc. She's escalated lately..the newest plot was to get her sisters involved because I blocked her number from her dad's cell phone. Our counselor said that there's a good chance that DH is going to have to make a choice between the two of us...she's toxic to our marriage, and has too much power and control over her dad, and he cannot for the life of him make boundaries that he won't let her cross. Good luck - just be careful...you know how well manipulators turn things around. Keep us posted.

She gets hysterical and changes tactics because your dh is feeding into it by engaging in her nonsense and trying to "calm" her. She sees this as a "negotiation". He needs to say "I am bringing my wife. This discussion is over." As long as she is getting attention for her antics, they'll keep happening. You said yourself that the one time you saw it happen your dh spend AN HOUR with her. AN HOUR of daddy's undivided attention.

When my son graduates HS I will be at his graduation. With my husband. If my child throws a temper tantrum and refuses to be okay with my husband being there I will take it as a personal attack and I won't be attending. I won't go without my husband. And if my son acted that way it would be several years before I allowed him back into my life. I'm not the mom to be told what I will and won't do by my children.

I don't know when that changed? It seems generally accepted for kids to tell the parents what to do these days.

I went through this exact situation last year. SD18 was graduating from high school. DH and I have been dating since she was 5, married since she was 8. I helped support her private school education and DH and I paid ALL of her education expenses to age 15 and then half until age 18 (she went to live with BM at her choice at age 15). So after 10 years of marriage and thousands of dollars of support from me, SD sent her high school graduation announcement/invitation to ONLY DH. My name was not on it. DH called her and it was intentional, she only wanted to invite him. It was not a matter of not having enough space, it was a personal slap at me. But on consideration, SD18 said she would be OK if DH brought our two BDs (her half sisters) along. I bowed out (I wasn't invited anyway) and also did not allow DH to take our two BDs. I know he wasn't happy with that, but hey, SD18 got what she wanted and I didn't have to go deal with drama.

I'm sure the same thing will happen at college graduation, even though we are funding 1/3 and since DH and most of the money used for that is coming from the time when DH and I were together and saving for SD's college. But I'll get left out again. It's not a nice feeling, but I think it reflects more on SD than on me/you. I told Dh that if SD was my child I would be "ashamed" of her. He didn't even have the good sense to BE ashamed of her behavior, if that tells you anything.

Just answering this part of your post: "But ... she is trying to ban her Dad's new wife from a family event. I would never allow one of my kids to do that. Also remember that my husband then would have to drive 3 hours to the college, sit alone in the huge arena, go hug his daughter after the ceremony for 5 minutes, then turn around and drive home 3 hours, all on his own, while his daughter goes out to dinner with his ex-wife and her siblings. He actually wants me to go with him and share this moment that means so much to him. If I told him I was not going, he would be very upset. If this was a house party or even a family meal, it might be slightly different, although I still think it would be wrong. Would you really want to teach your kid that it's okay to exclude their stepparent from a family event? It's not just rude, it's also mean. I really don't think that my husband allowing her to control his life with tantrums is "standing tall!" When would it stop?"
My feeling is there are two aspects here. One, his style of parenting, that he allows her to be abusive. Well unfortunately she is a bit old for him to alter his parenting style now though it does happen, but takes time, and you can't really do anything other than counsel him there. Second, your concern that he is going to be abused in the process. I think that paradoxically, it will be beneficial and a learning experience for him to feel this abuse. If he really is going to go along and be bored, ignored, etc etc, then he of all people will see how negative the whole experience is for himself. This of itself will dissuade him from catering to her whims. Much better than you analysing it for him. I'd let him go and experience that crumminess for himself. That gives her enough rope to prove directly to him just how stupid and selfish her attitude is.

I had the same thing happen to me in my first marriage. My sd was graduating from "alternative" high school and invited my dh to go with the added, but dont' bring hismineandours. At this point he and I had been married for 4 years and her parents split for 6. I was pregnant with our first child and that was her reasoning for not wanting me there. She was worried it would upset her mom to see me pregnant.

So I quite happily told dh to go on his own, I sure didnt mind-and I really didnt. Her mom WAS indeed a crazy loon and I sure as heck didnt feel like I wanted to be in the same room with her. However, dh chose not to go-I gave him teh same arguments-"Oh, you'll regret it later, blah, blah"-but what it all came down to is that he WANTED me there for moral support. He knew her mom was a crazy loon as well-he had no desire to see that woman or have a confrontation with her. He was also afraid that they would waylay him and try to set up a dinner altogether and he wouldve rather stabbed a needle in his eye. He felt that they (meaning sd's family) would keep their distance from him if I was there as well.

He ended up not going. He offered to take her out to dinner at a later date to celebrate her graduation. However, her ceremony was short and in a small building. I had suggested to him that he could arrive a couple minutes late, stand in the back, and break for teh exit immediatly after it was over-but he didnt want to chance it.

An option for you and your dh would be for you to accompany him on this 3 hour drive-you can drop him off at the ceremony, do a little shopping and whatnot, and when it's over return to pick him up and the two of you can have a nice dinner afterwards. That way he doesnt have the long drive by himself, he can show you a video of the ceremony if he wants, you guys can still have some nice couple time, and perhaps if you are lucky, you'll be able to wave at sd as you are picking him up.

My DH would not go if I was not invited, but that is just us. I would never tell him that he couldn't, but he believes that we are a family, and she would have to accept me to have any decent relationship with him.

These idiot SD's only hurt themselves. Where are our DH's at Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years? With US. Instead of sharing these holidays with the SM as civil, adult human beings, they prefer to thrown tantrums over stupid crap. So they get left out, and then they bitch that they are left out. Our husbands eventually get tire of their shenanigans, and we no longer care, so then they can drag around their wounded psyche's for the rest of their lives and take out their daddy issues on their partners.

Show me one SD who is truly happy in her life and her relationships, EVER, who has these issues with her dad and SM. I don't know one, and I have 4 stepsisters that come to mind immediately.

YOur DH needs to stop playing into her drama. She will never stop until he stops.

Wow. That is a hard decision. What would I do? I agree with StepAside my kids would never put me in that position. They love and respect me. but I can see SS16 trying that with DH. What would he do? I would like to think he would refuse to go without me but I doubt it. My thoughts are yes, it is her day but so will her wedding, her first child being born, childs christening and so on and so forth. It will just continue throughout life unless a stop is put to it. Since when do we start rewarding bad behavour? If my DH really wanted to go (and I wasn't mad at him for coddling her) I would drop him off go shopping and meet him out front of the building when it was over with a big smile and kiss and if SD seen it I would also maybe get a hotel for the night and have a long rewarding weekend or night spent with my DH. Maybe later let SD know how much you enjoyed your trip out of town and time spent with DH. }:) Seriously, I think this will just continue unless a stop is put to it.

Honestly, after all this, why would you even WANT to attend this brat's graduation?

I have to agree with echo about going someplace where you're not wanted. If it were me, I wouldn't go within ten miles of that stupid graduation! Can't you share other important moments with your husband? Why are you insisting on this?

Her behavior is certainly hurtful.

But, for what it's worth, I'd say he should go to the graduation. As for any pre or post graduation events with BM, that would cross the line for me and not be healthy for SD - in terms of indulging a fantasy that her old family unit is intact.

I'd probably just let him go alone because I wouldn't really want to be there anyway (disengaged). Do you really want to go? I wouldn't.

She's dead wrong and it's obvious to all. If it were me, I wouldn't want to get pulled into the drama one way or the other. Maybe H. should respect that this is a pain for you and just go by himself. Could you and son stay in a hotel and have a fun day at a amusement park or being anywhere other than there? Maybe a mini vacation with the graduation used as an occasion for a date day with your son.

I'm banned from any of my skids' events - graduations, weddings, birthdays, holidays, whatever. If my Dh wants to go, its without me otherwise he's not invited. It's been like that for nearly 9 years now and I don't know if there's any solution. My Dh went the route of not going if I wasn't invited and ended up completely estranged from his kids. He missed his son's wedding. So he put up with their demands. If he hadn't then he wouldn't have been able to walk his daughter down the isle or see his grandkids. This SD sounds like a nut so who knows how far she can take this. It all depends on how much your DH can stand to miss. If he's fine with being estranged, then he should tell her it's with both of you or without him. If he can't, then tell him to hand his balls over to his daughter since they're hers now.

This is a typical attention-seeking drama queen reaction. I have A-S-D-Q too! You are part of DH's life now and little drama queen is still trying to run daddy's life and get his attention. Bottom line - she is jealous of you. No jealous woman wants the competition to be around. It is her day - she wants all the attention and you steal that from DH, in her eyes.

You should call the SD and ask her how she would feel if next 'event', whether it be DH birthday, or Thanksgiving or Christmas (whatever it is), that you don't invite her(SD)- you just don't want her around. And tell her, you are part of DHs life - you are his half-to-your-whole and you my dear must just get used to it. So I will see you at your graduation. (Don't give her a choice). Then when she calls daddy, he can say, "I am bringing my wife and we will both be there, whether you wants "US" or not. You are my daughter. She is my wife."

I'm glad your DH went to a counselor. Hopefully, this will provide the 3rd party answer he needs to help resolve his feelings and make a decision. and Good for him to say he wants you to go with him! He is trying to be supportive, but can't figure out how to make everyone happy. The counselor will help provide this perspective.

It would be hard not going to see a child graduate. But has he said directly to SD, "If wife doesn't got I will not go either, we are married, she is my wife."

You are worth the risk of him loosing his SD in his life and her knowing her dad didn't see her graduate - because it was her selfish decision. Don't worry, she will still come around after she is done being mad at daddy for supporting you - they always do........ Good Luck and let us know how it turns out.

If DH feeds her tantrums and attention getting tactics they will not stop and get much worse as she gets older. I like the idea of you going with him and waiting outside for him while he runs in for 5 min and congratulates her. Then she will see what her actions caused. Dear daddy will not be there for her drama. Soon she will figure out that if he doesn't play along it is not fun to play alone. Good luck with whatever you decide.

So familiar your situation! It was toxic before your arrival. Our vows never include or imply abuse.

I have a nest of snakes over here. BM, SS32 & SD-I-L as well as her rag-tag family. When SS got married both BM and SS said that I could not attend. Thankfully DH said that if his wife could not come then he would not either. At the same time SS and co-conspirator SD-I-L insisting that we give them thousands for the "event of the century." So we went and the BM actually attempted to physically assault me in front of my then 19 yr old BD. I am disabled which is no secret and was still in treatment for a life-threatening health issue. My 19 year old BD literally pushed her out of the way and led me beyond Tank Lady and into the bathroom (where BM was insisting was off limits to me). My SS and his Princess Bride along with her family are so toxic that after 12 years of trying my best that I have had to disengage for the second time. Even more sad is they now have two children. SS is always furious when his attempts to up-manage both DH and myself are unsuccessful that he has been in chronic tantrum mode for all of these 12 years. I am so done with these Dementors.

Choose your battles with a lot of forethought because I do believe you are in for quite a ride.

Please take care of yourself and set your marriage as the only priority. Your SD will not "get over it." She's an adult and her personality is set.

"Yes I'm a lovely bitch, and I'll have two sugars with my tea, thank you." - me

I think if he gives in to her this time then he just sets the scene for the next time. Yes it may be HER graduation, but, but for dad she wouldn't be having a graduation, and it is a special day for dad too, so if he wants to share that special day with his wife, then who is SD to say NO. She sounds like a spoilt selfish little brat and it is time dad stopped jumping through hoops for her. I would not drag this out too long though she probably enjoys the attention, dad tells her once and once only how this will play out. Either he is coming with wife no further discussion. Or I will not be coming because I will not allow you to dismiss my wife end of discussion. As I said while this bun fight continues she is getting lot of attention.

Stepkids are great at spin and manipulation. My husband missed his son's college graduation. It gave all the skids an opportunity to bitch and whine about how horrible their dad was for having a new family and replacing them. None of the family cared DH was only sent 1 ticket a before the graduation when DH told SS repeated he wanted all of us to go. No, the skids made it all about their dad not showing up instead of their refusal to accept me in the family. It could have been a great family event, instead DH was a no show and it gave the skids a perfect excuse to not to speak to DH for years.

I woud travel to the city with him. Take your son to a movie or something entertaining and meet up with him afterwards. He can sit there and watch his daughter, have a couple of photos (esp with his own camera) and then tell her "Well done sweetheart I have to run, I have a dinner date with my wife." And he shakes hands with his ex wife and tells her "We did well. She is on her own now in the big wide world!" And he walks away before she can say a word.

She loves the drama and will contact him and tell him how sad she was he didn't hang around. This is when he lays it on the line "I ma remarried you disrespected my wife. She is who I grow old with, not you. We need to get counselling together to move onto and adult relationship"

I wouldn't start WWIII over this. Don't go - get a refund on your present.

This is the opportunity you need to back away from this girl and have no contact with her at all. In a few years once she matures and sees you're not pushing back she may - repeat may - come around.

oneoffour-perfect solution!!!

Firstly sd sounds like a petulent 4 yr old, next time there is an event, and sd says to hubby I don't want her there, he should reply with, thats ok she dosn't want to attend anyway tee hee, seriously though, sd has thrown her toys out of the pram and see's you as the evil woman who has stolen daddy, hopefully in time sd will grow up and see that life is not black and white, in the mean time why bother spending time with the silly cow, life is too short.

And how wonderful about your son's perceptiveness.

Reading this story has helped me understand how bad things can get. I'm just at the hurt excluded phase now simply not invited to my step-son's grad but there has been no drama or battle. It's been good to research this before strategizing next steps. I don't want to turn this into a battle ground because I don't have a damaged relationship with my step son going into this issue and I don't want it to become further damaged. This step daughter sounds like she is a nightmare to deal with and it helps me realize how much worse my situation could be so perhaps I'll focus on the positive.