Here's how I'd look at it. DH should go tell BS to turn the TV down, because the situation is now and DH needs to take care of his own business. DH should ask you to remind BS of house rules or tell you when something to do with house rules isn't working, because you are the parent.

You're a full time parent, since DH is treating BS more like a roommate. If you were single, you'd be on the hook for that too. Same with working full time.

If you were single, though, you'd have more flexibility and you'd have less household chores/responsibility than you have now. So I'd step back in that area. Just because you come to the marriage with a child doesn't mean that you should behave as though you don't have the responsibilities of being a parent ie. you don't have tons of free-time to do household stuff. Besides, you are an equal partner doing more than equal of the work.

I think it's that weird step parent gray area of not knowing exactly what your place is.

The same stuff would happen with us. I'd say to DH.. can you please tell SD to not (insert 1 of 143,768 things here)
He would say why don't you just tell her? I'd just say "I don't know, it sounds better coming from you." But the REAL reason was because I KNEW that if I told her to do or not do something it would be one of the following:

1. she'd blow me off, because it was me telling her.
2. she'd get pissy with me because it was me telling her.
3. she'd run and tell BM and anyone else who would listen that I was horrible because it was me telling her.
4. DH would get pissy with me, because it was me telling her... cause sometimes it was A OK for me to say something, other times I just hated SD.

I don't know in your DHs case, I think he just doesn't want to be bothered.. not my kid not my problem... even his own kids are my kid, but not my problem.

I'm totally with your DH on this one. As the stepparent, I feel like I shouldn't have to be the bad guy, and in doing so, it only makes things worse or harder. It doesn't matter what you do in the house and what you do for BS, BS is your kid and what you do in the house has nothing to do with how you parent your child. I'd rather DH deal with skid issues, even if they are small, because I know the kid with be more receptive and I don't want to be the bad guy. If DH says, BS left the fridge open again, you should say, "I'll make sure to remind him to make sure it is closed".

It doesn't matter if you are doing something or if you are a team. Your kid, your responsibility.

My situation is different but similar. DH and DD have a great relationship and I am very fortunate that DH helps me out with DD, such as appointments, picking up from school sick. Honestly, I have driven DD to school less than 10 times in the last few years. (I do a lot of things for DH.)

When we are both here, he defers to me but has no problem addressing something if I am not there or he feels strongly about it.

It sounds like it's your DH'S personality and why do something if you can tell someone else to do it?

No, it isn't too much to ask and if DS is respectful to DH, there's no reason for DH to not tell DS himself.

You sound like my DH. Then when they started hating me for doing the parenting he wouldn't, he just got too much enjoyment out of that. It was bad cop/good cop and I was the bad cop. If I asked for him to back me up, out came the good cop. But he didn't want me to tell him that he needed to parent over X, y, or z--I wasn't to bother him with it. But if I did parent, I was the bad cop. It was a vicious cycle and he put me in the middle of it. I stepped out.

Parent your own kid. It's not your husband's job. The end.

From reading your responses I think that your real issues are to do with your perception that your husband does not contribute to the home as much as you would like and that small tasks that you feel he can do himself such as talking directly to your son feel more burdensome because of all the other tasks that are also left to you to do.

I would say, from my step parent perspective, that the parenting and other tasks I do for my sd I volunteer to do as a favor for my husband. Some days I do not feel like doing them and they either go undone or my husband must do them. As a non biological parent in this home I have the privilege of being able to step back when I want to because ultimately that child is not mine. The other tasks of the home however as an equal adult in the home I take equal responsibility for because that is being an adult.

The other things to remember is that sometimes it is easy to get caught up in our own burdens and to forget or overlook what our partners do contribute to the home and to making our lives easier. It may not be the dishes or the cleaning but it could be other factors and a little reflection may help to remind you of them. If you still feel like you have an unfair burden then it is time to have a conversation with your husband about how he feels like he contributes and how you two can lighten and even the load.

I have a question for you zero. How does you son respond to reminders about things like closing the fridge? Is it different if it comes from you or your husband? Just thought that could be part of your husbands reluctance to engage.

IMHO, Beth Anne is right. And I do on many occasions ask my DH to talk to his kids about XYZ. It's not that I am incapable of giving them the reminder, nor do I lack authority from DH to parent the kids. But SD and SS take things from me differently than they do him. DH doesn't see the difference. But he trusts me when I tell him I see it. Sometimes I ask DH to deal with stupid little things because I am stressed over other things and am likely to overreact if I try to deal with it.

If you are feeling burned out, like you've been giving more than you get and you just need help, I think you may want to consider pushing some of the burden of the house chores onto your DH. That may eliminate some of the stress of him asking you to talk to your BS about little things, since you'll have more support from him in other areas.

My DH would rather bitch about it to me than say something to BS. I've told him many times, just to tell him yourself, but no. It's lame.

I have no issue telling SD13 what's up, but DH frowns upon that too.

Your husband is handling things with your son the same way I handle things with my skids. I ALWAYS ask DH to deal with things--even so called small things. I don't feel it's my place to step in and correct/parent them when he is here to do it. And yes, there are plenty of times I notice something that he doesn't--stomping up and down stairs, door slamming--he gets tunnel vision and his hearing quits working when he is focusing on something. If he isn't around and I ask them to do something or have to correct their behavior, I always tell him.

Part of the reason I have chosen to do things this way is also the reaction I have gotten from him when I have corrected one of his kids...I feel like I get the third degree over the most minor things (hey, SD, could you please pick up your socks and put them in the laundry turns into a 15 minute conversation about "what did you say to SD"). I can avoid that by simply asking him to have the skid do whatever needs doing. This past weekend I mistakenly asked both skids to bring their garbage out of their rooms to put in the big bag I was about to carry downstairs...afterwards DH wanted to know what I was fussing at the kids for. Next time, I'll ask him to ask them to get their trash.

Honestly, if you aren't going to back him up 100% of the time at least in the eyes of the child, then asking you to take care of the problem is his best option.