Part 2
I just posted this blog https://www.steptalk.org/node/232287 and want to get a little perspective on the background of the grounding....
So the grounding of SD12 was due to lying. This is something that we battle with skids a lot and why wouldn't they. It is seen as OK by BM as she uses their lying to her advantage.
Anyway this past weekend was BMs custodial time and SD was to attend a church event that is a prerequisite to receiving a sacrament. (Sorry - this is an important detail not trying to get into a religious battle 
SO tells SD before she leaves that if for some reason her mom can't take her to call him and he will. I was also attending with my BD.
Well - SD is not at the event. She went camping with a friend instead.
Her excuse - she says BM called the director of the event and was told it was ok if she missed.
Now this is where I would like advise...I feel like...
1. At 12 years old you know what is right and wrong.
2. That is also the age where this event is essentially saying you choose religion.
3. Cannot attend due to illness, understandable. Camping, no excuse even if mother of the year says so.
4. No way would camping be an acceptable excuse to miss a mandatory event so it was obtained if at all by a lie.
My thoughts - SD should not be allowed to participate in the sacrament and wait until next year. Her own doing. Even if BM said its fine I think that the lying aspect of it is enough to say no way.
BUT I think SO is leaning towards speaking to the director and trying to figure out a way it can still happen. He feels that BM is at fault and any kid would follow their mother.
Am I just pushing back here because I can't stand the lying and manipulation of SD in general and I want her to suffer? Not sure which is why I pose the question.
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Comments
I'd be surprised if the
I'd be surprised if the director would let SD participate.
I'm catholic and we have a confirmation ceremony, sounds like the same sort of thing.
If the kids don't do the classes they don't get confirmed.
However, it depends on the priest and how lenient he is. Also, how involved the whole family is in the church. I could see a lenient priest doing a one on one with the child.
I should say that I'm not active in the church at all anymore, but there was a time I was.
I have to agree with your SO
I have to agree with your SO on this one. 12 isn't exactly a mature age and she had her parent's (the one in charge of her that day) permission to bail on the event.
Maybe she doesn't choose
Maybe she doesn't choose religion at this point in her life or ever. If she's not mature enough or ready, it shouldn't be forced.
I am sure the director will
I am sure the director will have seen similar things happen in the past and will either have strict rules that they want to follow so she will have missed her chance this year or if not they will talk to your sd and try to find out what is really going on. If this is supposed to be the time that sd chooses the religion then it is on her to choose and to commit to finding out and following the necessary steps. If she does not want to do that now then she still has the rest of her life to change her mind if she wants to.
Dad can act the concerned parent and try and fix this if he wants but I am sure that the director will want sd to be committed and making these decisions for the right reason. They will have had plenty of kids go through similar things. If she chooses never to commit that is her choice. If she needs an extra year (or ten) to realize that this is an important step for her to take then good for her for putting some thought into the process. If she does not really take it seriously and is happy for any excuse to get out of the boring bits of life to do fun things then maybe she isn't ready to make the decision yet.
Talk to the director yourself
Talk to the director yourself and say.. SD told a lie, she's old enough to know it's wrong and for punishment she needs to wait a year....
I'm sorry but SD got clear instructions from Dad, he even offered to pick her up and drop her off if BM did not want to take her, thus SD knew the importance and yet she choose to go camping instead.... she could've called Dad and said.. Mum arranged a camping trip for me, a friend asked me to join a camping trip and it's the same day... and then DH could've said NO.... get the picture... no SD made her own choice thus she can wait IMO
then again, I'm disengaged, I would not care at all if it happens or not, when and where... I just do not care, they have to live with their choices...
Stay out of this, is my
Stay out of this, is my advice. This is not your child and it's not your morals at question. If there is one area I have refused to allow anyone to interfere it is in my SS and his parents beliefs or lack there of.
My MIL and SIL have tried to force me to bring my SS in to my beliefs. I point blank refuse. I will NOT involve myself in something as personal as religion. If you want a way to make this child and her mother hate you to the nth degree, involve yourself in this matter.
Your inner conflict on this
Your inner conflict on this one is about boundaries. And tbh, if this wasn't a skid, you'd have way more insight and compassion but the same kinds of issues would come up.
If you were the parent, this would be an opportunity to allow SD to experience natural consequences. If she can't participate in the sacrament as a result of missing this event, oh well. If the adults around her (DH, BM, priest, etc) allow her to get out of natural consequences, oh well. Life isn't fair. Sometimes it's damned unfair. And that's ok too.
If I were the parent, I'd be kind and patient and understanding and expect her to talk to the priest herself to find out what, if anything, can be done.
If I were the sparent, I'd say, "Awww. Please pass the salt."