Yes, I would not advise anybody without kids to ever be with a man who has some, period.

80% of the time there is no happy ending for the SM, regardless.

Agreed!!! Not doing it again. Maybe someone with older kids since mine is now an adult.

Like Sue2, I think most would have still stayed with their guy.

The fact is you knew how bad it was going to be the first time he didn't discipline his child or children. But you ignored it and thought it was a one time thing, he's not like that all the time.

Then he didn't say anything when that kid disrespected you, or he made up a bunch of excuses. Again you ignored it or rationalized it away, he's right the kid is tired or hungry or young.

When he ran right over to BMs because the kids needed something, you knew.
When he refused to go to court to stop BM/kids changing the CO, you knew.
When he paid for his kids car/school/phone over and above CS, you knew.
When you went to the inlaws for a birthday and BM was there and you were invisible or treated horribly, you knew.
When you were told to take the high road, that his kids were #1 in his life, that you are the adult and you should act like it, you KNEW!

You would have read these stories and you would have thought that your guy is different, he just needs you to show him the way. Once his kids/BM/parents/sister get to know you they'll love you.
You would have given yourself a dozen excuses to stay and you would never ever think that the stories you read on here would be what your life is going to look like in a few years.

Now that you're here, take the advice, unload and vent here and do the best you can.

Not even this site could have prepared me for what came about. I had an almost 2 year honeymoon with fluffy clouds and easy blending. Little did I know what was coming my way. If it had been that way from day 1 I would not have stayed with my husband.

I dated a Disney Dad of mammoth proportions for about 3-4 months and walked. His ex wife was an absolute honey whom I could see myself being friends with. The guy was an idiot! His daughter was nice too but I could see her heading in to spoilt princess land very quickly in her teen years.

Hi,
I'm new to this site and looking for some serious support. I'm a SM full time to my husbands three children, two girls 10 & 8 and a son aged 12. Together nearly five years and married for nearly two years. I have three from a previous marriage, two girls aged 18 and 8 plus a son age 14 and before his moved in full time over two years ago I discovered I was pregnant with our son now 21 months old. Their mother has caused no end of trouble for me, my SD's seen to enjoy this and when there is friction between me and my husband they relish it. We are in family therapy and they are due to meet all the children, however my BD (8) nearly died aged 3 and is behind emotionally so behaves childlike at times.

After marriage my husband changed, became irritable and nasty towards me and started to blame me for everything wrong in our home. Although his mother helps me here and there, he tells me infront of the children that I am a useless parent during arguments, that I do nothing and will bring the ex partners into the arguments. His daughters have been manipulating him for a long time now and this has caused him to dislike my youngest daughter to the point where he will ignore his daughter tell tailing all the time and misbehaving yet start having a go at mine or me for the same thing and when I proceed to challenge him about it being something they both do he starts shouting and accusing me of all sorts of nasty things.

Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, how did it resolve or did you leave? I am quickly seeing how he is one person in therapy and another at home towards his SD.

From an overstreseed, cannot cope anymore Mum!!! Thank you xxx

I found this site right at the beginning of the skid issues so this site helped me navigate those issues and gave me examples of things to do/not do. The advice I received is what helped push me through the bad times. Most importantly made me know it's okay to stand up for myself.

Because I took control of my life and made it clear to DH, I want him, but I don't need him and I won't put up with his kids mistreating me and if he was going to allow that to happen he can hit the road too.

We still have issues here and there but they are very minimal.

That is my concern, he seems to retreat then it comes back worse the next time and unfortunately he's had to outbursts during the festive period and doesn't seem to care about the children and how it impacts them. Worse still, he never apologises to me or the children and I do fear to leave my BD with him and my SD's because she's treated differently and would be shut away in her room.

I have tried to ignore and make it clear that I do not need him and I will leave, he resorts back to being the man I fell in love with and married but longest it has lasted for is 3 weeks and that's with me biting my lip the entire time.

Thanks for your responses, it is very much needed and appreciated xx

I found this site when I was married to my ex. We were together 19 years we have 3 children.

He lost his mind, we got divorced. Now I am happy and single.

I don't have any desire to date. But if I ever meet a guy I will NEVER live with him. I will not be getting married ever again either. I really have no interest. This web site showed me there are things worse than what I was dealing with. I didn't like the life I had. I certain don't want a step parents life.

I like my drama free life.

The site is a double edged sword to potential steps who just pass through. They either read the posts and think "oh that's not why my kid is so bad, my SO is great" OR they read the posts and think "okay this is bad but this poster didn't leave so it must just be the new normal that is steplife and I can adjust". Both are lies told to themselves so they can rationalize the decision they already had made up before they started looking.

The ones that make it out of steplife stop posting so all the visitors see are all of us...still in here fighting the steplife battle, and that gives them hope that they should keep trying because we are. But anyone here longer than a few months will realize we aren't helping each other fix steplife but rather fix our reactions to steplife.

Interesting question, and very interesting responses.

I know that had I found this site a while ago, my reaction to things would have been much different. I do not have children, so I did not know what to expect when I moved in with my SO a year ago. He was separated but not divorced at the time and we had been together 1 1/2 years prior. Things were uneasy and unstable between BM and he, and I was in an unstable place myself, financially and job wise, lacking confidence. So, the step thing wasn't the main thing in my life going wrong, but it sure did add to my load. For me, finding the words to my emotions really helped validate them.

Words like "Authority to parent, Parenting, Mini-Wife, Mini-girlfriend, disengaged", techniques for coping and reacting. Everyone here as seen it all pretty much. That really helps. "No man (or woman) is an island", yet we are all feeling so isolated. I cant talk to my mother, she loves the SD17.5, and her father is always defensive and protective. I had so much anger inside, and lacked confidence to an extreme degree.

I feel bolder, and more powerful with my reading and connecting and gaining of knowledge. For example, last night after dinner, the little SD10-almost-11 thoughtfully brought her plate to the sink after I asked. I looked at SO, and pointed. You see, she has grown 2 inches and can now reach and wash her own items. I pointed, and said "look there!". He got it right away, and told her to do her dishes. At first she gave a sort of whimper, tried to act cute. I just said "hey, the proper response should be "sure, happy to!" Then SO proceeded to coach her in dishwashing.

This site helped me accomplish this minor victory. Normally I would wash them and sulk, or complain, and then argue.

Another example is I asked SD10 to put away her toys if she was done playing with them, as it was close to bedtime. She did it immediately, instead of waiting another 20 minutes, and then sort of doing it. It was such a relief. Then we talked and laughed, and pet the hamster, and had some good positive bonding interactions.

I leave parenting to their parents. If I had known about this site, I think I would have stayed, but treaded more carefully and watchfully. Nothing really could have prepared me for BM, however, and all the crap she tried to pull. I would have argued less, watched more, and laid the law down quicker. As it is she always has her hand out for more, like SD17 who has no job.

I read through and re-read to strengthen my resolve and find ways to deal emotionally. Its cheaper than therapy!!!

I am much, much older than most here. I'm more in great GP territory that GP territory - 70s.

Even thought I dated men who were divorced with children in my 20s I NEVER EVER EVER considered marrying a man with children. Back in the "olden days" one could seriously date someone even for a year or two without any thoughts of marrying them. And I did.

Of course there were no message boards back then. It's not that I was any wiser than others - it's just that because of growing up in abject poverty I developed an extremely strong sense of self preservation. I was going to do NOTHING that would bring me down.

But to be truly honest - I was probably just too damn selfish to ever deal with minor children. DH's son was an adult out the door when I met him. I won't say he was "launched" - he was really more "evicted" after getting violent with DH (and many others).