Double Standard what he does for his children he does not do for my children

Experience anyone? How did you handle it?

My daughter walks to bus stop it's 12 degrees outside, dark, 6:15 in morning (they are in high school), he sleeps isn't bothered that she has said she is scared and doesn't like walking to the bus stop. Her brother, my son who is up, takes her now. She doesn't wake me up to take her because of my weird work hours (even though I would do it in a heartbeat if she would knock on my door). Fast forward, his children are here on their scheduled time. He sets his alarm clock to take his children to bus stop and pick them up from bus stop, which does include my child but only when his children are here does he do this. He does not take my children or pick them up from the bus stop ever, only when his children are here, he says "she doesn't ask for a ride". Not too mention, he expects me to be home to get his youngest who is 8 off the bus, because that is what sp do. Is this fair? Is this a double standard? My child has expressed hurt from this, yet he says he "doesn't do that", obviously he does.

Another example, He will go to his children's basketball practices etc, stay and observe their practice, but in the off chance he drives his SD to a practice, he drops her off and doesn't stay to watch. He doesn't show interest in my children's activities, unless his children are sitting there watching and he wants to show he is a doting SP, so when I say something he makes a point in front of his children that he does ask, and well heck they witnessed him asking about their activities, so then I look crazy. Example is my son went to a computer convention for 4 days, he had 4 days to ask how it was etc, not until the 4th day when his children arrived, did he then say, oh how was your convention that you went to....it's stuff like that, it's like he puts on a show when his children are here.

Anyone with similar experience?

tiredofhiskidsbeingentitled's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Thank you, I agree, what he

Thank you, I agree, what he does for his own should be done for his SKIds, I do it for his because, well I'm kind and think of them all as my children, not separated. He has put all of us through so much, our entire lives have revolved around his children, his divorce, his custody issues, his children and their fake mental issues (going to mental hospital visits etc, just to later find out manipulation and admitting to lying), like for 3 years plus, it's old, I'm tired, and I think he needs help. There is something wrong with him.

Another thing, has anyone experienced their husband when trying to talk to them about an issue regarding children or anything I suppose, natural instinct is to be a little defensive, but what happens is never answers the question and then he turns its around and makes it all your fault...I believe that's abuse, I'm no stranger to Passive-aggressive people

Sounds like manipulation,

Sounds like manipulation, yeah. I wouldn't be too fond of a relationship where we can't properly communicate about issues and come to a resolution when we talk. It seems like you've talked to him about it before, but it's never actually been solved... and that's not a good sign.

Starting today, not planning

Starting today, not planning on it! But ultimately it hurts the child, which is where I am at in my moral dilemma. He is at work, and she is still young and has a drop off, off the main road and has to walk all the way to the other side of the neighborhood, I'm stuck.

I second what JayRay said. I

I second what JayRay said. I would just stop doing anything for his kids AND I would explain to him why i'm not doing anything. You either act like one family or act like two - he doesn't get the benefit of you treating his kids like family if he doesn't do the same for your kids.

I don't know.... you've got

I don't know.... you've got those of us who do exactly what your DH is doing. I NEVER went to one SD practice, but I've never missed one of BS7 practices. I take BS7 to school every day as it is on my way to work, while I DID take SD because her school was on my way as well, prior to BS being in school? Nope, DH had to get his ass up and take her. The reason is though that I was disengaged. SD was a jerk. She stole from me, lied, had no respect, and was well basically a sociopath. Not my kid not my problem. Does your DH have a problem with your daughter?

no problem with daughter he

no problem with daughter he just treats his kids one way and does for them, and treats mine a different way. This is my second go around of being a step-parent. My children with my first husband had children from a previous marriage that I raised and now I'm reliving the nightmare again, but this guy doesn't know how to parent together, work together and his guilt of not seeing his children all the time transfers into multiple things in our lives.

Honestly it sounds like he's

Honestly it sounds like he's not all that interested in your kids and has disengaged from them. SMs are advised to do the same thing on this site all the time. At least he's not making your daughter walk while he drives his and he's still willing to drive your kids to their activities. He hasn't completely checked out. The only issue that could be a question is the 8 year old getting picked up from the bus stop. If the 8 year is mature enough and the distance from the stop to your home is safe, then he can probably walk it alone but 8 is still young enough to need supervision and your kids are in high school. Totally different age groups and expectations. I really don't think you can compare the two.

Since your DH's reason for not driving your daughter is "she never asks" remind your daughter to ask him the night before. If she asks politely at dinner if he would drive her to the stop in the morning, perhaps he will. If he refuses you can then start a discussion as to why (out of earshot of the kids) and maybe get to the bottom of it without this becoming a tit-for-tat situation.

his kids don't ask to be

his kids don't ask to be driven, he just does it. If it is raining etc, he goes to pick them up from bus stop when they are here, but if the same thing is happening when they are not here he doesn't do same for SD. Frankly it's messed up and I'm sick of it. He is not hurting me, he is hurting the kids that are trying to be a family. His get special treatment, they don't even feel acknowledged. They see them get away with whatever, and well you know the story...

It's not messed up - it's

It's not messed up - it's disengagement. His kids don't ask to be driven because he as a parent decides to drive them. You as a parent are choosing to let your daughter walk. Have you ever sent him a text when you saw it was raining and asked him to get your daughter? You are blaming him for things you aren't willing to do for your own kids. By YOUR actions of sleeping while she walks to the bus stop, you are telling your DH that YOU think her fears are unfounded. Why should he care more about your daughter than you do? Please read Sueu2's post below very carefully. I think she's the closest to the actual situation.

Perhaps I'm an evil stepmother, but I don't let my stepkids get away with 'blanket' requests, and neither does DH. SD11 tried asking to be awakened a half hour earlier every day. DH told her to either ask specifically the night before if there was a set reason (like needing to complete homework) or she needs to learn to use her alarm clock. I'm up a full hour before everyone else, so it's not like I'd be overly inconvenienced by waking her early. Your DH would have to specifically get up early to drive your daughter to the bus stop, and you aren't willing to make her put in the effort of asking politely the night before?

his kids don't ask to be

Kid isn't asking you for ride

Kid isn't asking you for ride because you say she doesn't want to wake you, however you'd gladly take her if she asked. Stepdad says he would give her a ride but she doesn't ask him to.

But, per you, kid is scared and walking in the cold dark. Why? Because she wouldn't ask either of the adults to take her. I guess I'm not seeing where her morning walk was unfair double standard on stepdad' part. Why didn't you and your daughter ask SF to drive the kid , please, the evening before? I'm going to assume your SD and/or DH asked you about being around for SD's bus and you gladly agreed.

She is scared because it's a

She is scared because it's a large neighborhood and it's pitch black, rightfully so...SD gave stepdad a blanket "will you take me to the busstop every morning" awhile back, has he, NOt once.

I am not surprised. I would

I am not surprised. I would not do anything for someone that talked to me like that and I would expect my husband to make his child apologize for being so rude as to demand rather than ask.

So your husband sets his

So your husband sets his alarm to get his kids to the bus stop and when he does so he also takes your kid. Why don't you set your alarm to get your kid to the bus stop rather than coming up with the excuse that she doesn't wake you up? You are an adult, if you want to walk your kid to the bus stop then get up and walk her stop complaining that your husband isn't doing it for her while making no effort to do it yourself. As for watching the games it is up to your husband how he spends his time, he sounds pretty nice to be driving your kid places.

The only complaint that I could see as legitimate is that his communication with your kids is poor. Well the only way you will solve that is by upping your communication levels with your husband and discussing it with him.

If you do not want to look after the 8 year old then don't, do not do it and then complain about it or try to use it as leverage as to why a teenager cannot get herself to the bus stop without complaining.

This is time to sit down and

This is time to sit down and talk to DH... be honest and open, tell him what your told us.

Then tell him you are disengaging from his children like he disengaged from yours... give him the link below to read and you both do this.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

DH is not wrong in not attending your children's activities or drive them around when his brats are not there... he's disengage, he feels your kids your problem... the problem is he thinks you have to do for his kids everything, this is not fair, his kids his problems and make that very clear....

You do not have to collect his children if you are not driving for your children, you do not have to babysit his kids if yours are not there...... see where I'm getting with this... but sit DH down and talk to him about it start off by saying you both should try it, maybe all the kids will be happier...

To be honest, I could be

To be honest, I could be accused of this. I have DS15. DH has SS12. I do not do the things for SS12 that I do for my son. SS12 is not my responsibility. DS15 is my only responsibility. SS12 is DH responsibility, so I in turn do not expect him to do things for my son.

However DH is different from your husband in that this is our arrangement and he never expects me to do for ss12.

You are here

Double Standard what he does for his children he does not do for my children

Comments